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  #11  
Old 02-20-2014, 07:08 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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I agree with GalaGirl. Use this time to invest in some serious marriage counseling. There is a serious passive aggressive tone to her email. The all or nothing statement sets off all sorts of alarm bells for me. Likely, she will make sure you "pay" for her decision to call it off with R for a long time to come, in one way or another. Sounds like she is staying out of obligation and not because she really wants to be there. Spend the next 3-6 months in counseling before addressing the poly subject again. Her statements about never bringing the subject up again makes believe that if thing come up that she thinks you won't like or won't agree with her, she will just find better ways to hide it in the future.
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  #12  
Old 02-21-2014, 12:53 AM
NewNTex NewNTex is offline
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Thanks for all the advice. I think you are right GalaGirl. I really appreciate you breaking it down for me. I was fearful of how badly she treated me the first time I asked to slow down so I was tying to avoid putting back on me but I now see that if I can weather the storm, this is probably the best course.

I am really wanting to get hew away from "R" now because I have found out that she has told him the level of discord and pain him making himself available to her is causing and he basically said "I'll always be here for you - you are the one I care about". He is toxic to my relationship and is not poly. He just wants to insert himself (no pun intended) as an affair partner, not as my metamore.

Thanks again to everyone here for the support and helping me get some perspective.
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  #13  
Old 02-21-2014, 01:40 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Have your wife read this thread and maybe some light will dawn on her.
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  #14  
Old 02-22-2014, 12:12 PM
graviton graviton is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NewNTex View Post
Thanks for all the advice. I think you are right GalaGirl. I really appreciate you breaking it down for me. I was fearful of how badly she treated me the first time I asked to slow down so I was tying to avoid putting back on me but I now see that if I can weather the storm, this is probably the best course.

I am really wanting to get hew away from "R" now because I have found out that she has told him the level of discord and pain him making himself available to her is causing and he basically said "I'll always be here for you - you are the one I care about". He is toxic to my relationship and is not poly. He just wants to insert himself (no pun intended) as an affair partner, not as my metamore.

Thanks again to everyone here for the support and helping me get some perspective.
I hate to be the devil's advocate here but I'm going to turn the tables on you a little bit. Another way to look at it is that you have become toxic to the relationship or that she has become toxic to the relationship. Think about it. These are two people that want to love each other. A third party is telling them no you can't love each other and you can't be with each other, not even a little bit because it makes me feel yucky. I realize that this sort of behavior is acceptable because society has told us that it is acceptable for spouses to behave this way but when I write it out like that it makes it seem very childish doesn't it? Keep in mind that this is not just your relationship but it is also hers. Its like two children who share a ball. The minute one of the children decide they don't like how the ball is played with and want to go home is when the game is over. I have empathy for you as I have been in the same position. I am sorry if i seemed overly logical and callous but it is the truth.
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  #15  
Old 02-24-2014, 03:26 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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And therein lies the really tough part about polyamory (as viewed by some)....

letting your partner do anything they want to do as long as they aren't physically hurting you.

I say physically because emotionally hurting you is a nebulous area. What may hurt your feelings may be something that the other partner could validly want. And just because it "hurts you" doesn't mean (to some) that they shouldn't be able to do it.

So what if she wants to be in a destructive relationship. People learn by trying and failing. It sucks. It really sucks when you're trying to stop someone you love from making a mistake, but if you take the radical autonomy version of polyamory, you shouldn't be able to veto any partner your partner chooses. Take that to the extreme that you're experiencing. The guy she wants to be with is practically going "nanny nanny boo boo" in your face with the whole "I'd kill someone if they did what I'm doing to you to me." Even as dickish as that is, should you be able to veto a partner for being so rude? I'm on your side of course. I'm simply saying that from the poly theory side that a lot of people are on, there are almost on valid restraints you can put on your partner, despite the crappy behavior of the metamour. (You'd hope that the person you love would love you enough back to hate when the metamour was crappy to you...but when blinded by NRE or even true love...that might not happen)

So...all you can do is set your own line in the sand, past which the relationship with your partner isn't worth it. You can communicate what hurts your feelings, but don't expect that to force them into changing their behavior.
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  #16  
Old 02-25-2014, 05:55 PM
NewNTex NewNTex is offline
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Well, it's been a week and many changes.

My wife finally realized that forcing this relationship was not in the best long term interests of our relationship. She then told me she was ending the relationship with "R" and that she would own the decision. At first I was relieved but then I became reflective. I then chose to go to her and change the dynamic. I told her I wanted to give her the opportunity to see where things might go with "R" and that I was choosing this freely. Since it wasn't being forced on me, I could feel my love returning, replacing the resentment and from there I was able to offer it as a gift. This little thing completely changed everything. I no longer felt I was drowning, I felt empowered and back in the relationship. The change in my wife was dramatic as well - she saw the almost immediate difference in me and she also felt the love flood back. It was a very powerful moment for each of us.

I did request that she have "R" read this and realize that this is where I would like for him to be coming from rather than some of the earlier items. My wife agreed with the statements in the link and said if he can't be like that, then she shouldn't be in a relationship with him. This alleviated my fears of "R" since I could accept him acting like my partner in this and my wife agreed that he needs to act like a partner. He should either respect me and our relationship or she didn't want him as my metamour. Like I said, major changes in attitude from that tiny difference in perspective.

The level of stress and anxiety I've had over the last several months is now almost gone. I know we still have a long journey and there are many more potential bumps ahead but I truly feel we found the win/win for us. I feel like we reestablished our partnership connection and that hopefully gives us the strength to handle the bumps better. I certainly feel more confidant than I have in a long time.

My observation that I can give back to the poly community is that one partner trying to steamroll a mono relationship to poly isn't the best approach. It creates levels of resentment that impedes acceptance and sets up a win/lose dynamic. Instead, present your case to your partner so that they see the level of importance it is to you but don't force the decision or take the decision away from your partner. Trust them that they love you and will eventually be ready to work towards a win/win. It's out there if you pursue it together. My two cents

Thanks again to everyone who contributed and gave advice. I truly read and contemplated them all.

Last edited by NewNTex; 02-25-2014 at 06:12 PM.
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