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  #81  
Old 01-24-2014, 12:43 AM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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Lobe arrives in just over 8 hours! Anticipation. He's here for four nights... FOUR nights... Yeah. I'm all rainbows.

Today's my last full day home alone. Tonight: Lobe's here, til Tuesday morning. Tuesday to Thursday I have a fairly full schedule, including flying out Thursday evening. Then I fly back the next Tuesday with Ocean (who's still away).

Having the place to myself has been, and is, divine.

There's some chance that Ocean will be away for an extended period later on this year, from April to July. Well, he has a possible conference end April, in a city where he has relatives he can stay with, which is also a place he has wanted to live in for a while. Mid-July I have a couple of big family events in a nearby country (my grandma's 100th birthday and my brother's wedding), which Ocean is invited to. So, if he gets to go to the conference, I'll be pestering him to stay on for a few months, between that and the family thing. He thinks it'll be a good idea, but may need some encouragement

It's very early days, yet, but the possibility of spending 2-3 months home alone, makes me very gleeful indeed.

I'm surprised by this... I've always felt drawn towards communal living (and I have enjoyed my share-house experiences, very much) but living alone is also quite joyful! I feel myself becoming stronger, more self-reliant. It's like an ongoing version of travelling alone.

Last edited by fuchka; 01-24-2014 at 02:49 AM.
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  #82  
Old 01-24-2014, 07:45 AM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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Default Note to self

I was re-reading a blog entry I wrote a few years ago, and noticed I'd written this:

Quote:
the kind of relationship I want from a life partner is someone who I can team up with whole-heartedly to enrich not only our own lives, but the community around us.
That is a great summary of something that is very important to me. I wonder how clearly I've communicated that to people in my life who are growing to be my life partners. Are they inspired by a similar vision? It could manifest in many ways, eg neighbourliness, shared meals, performing art. Whenever the flourishing is outwards, not merely self-serving. I know what it is when I'm doing it.

Also, do I give myself enough space to keep focused on this personal priority? Or do I fall back to the easier default of caring for myself and close family and friends, but not beyond this?

Some thoughts to reflect on.

I'm open to learning more about how other people see the world, the different realities of experience, and letting my dreams be influenced by that insight. But there's a non-negotiable in amongst that, a scent that's caught me, that I want to follow...

I know that the people closest to me get that. I have that confidence, at least.

I see Lobe in 1 1/2 hours. OH MY GOD I'M TREMBLING
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  #83  
Old 01-28-2014, 03:02 AM
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Default A sonata in three movements

Long-distance is its own pressure on a relationship. Lobe's visit was great. There was a severely dismal slump in the middle, that extended to about a day and a half of his three-day visit... but I wouldn't say that detracted from the joy of seeing him. Yeah, fuck, it was grim. At one point, he was wondering whether he should head back earlier. The apex of gloom was over a late lunch on Sunday, at a cheapish noodle house in the city. We picked at the food, dispiritedly. Something ailed, and I had no idea what.

Lobe said "this feels weird." I asked some questions, scratching dirt for stones. Was it weird, seeing me in a different city, especially somewhere he usually comes to visit his friends? I could imagine it would be odd... particularly as he hadn't told Grotto's and his closest mutual friend that he's in town. Yeah, there was that, but it wasn't that.

I asked him to be as explicit as he could be about what was bothering him. Seemed pointless to hold things back, if you're talking about escaping the situation anyway (i.e. heading home). Lobe thought, and then said - he felt like maybe I'd come to meet him straight after fucking someone else. It seems like this niggle had compounded into a generalised mood of distrust for me, and distrust for this relationship being a safe space for him.

Wow. When I met Lobe on Friday night, coming off the airport bus, I was full of desire for him. He'd taken a flight straight after a work function, and then had to wait a while in the airport, so was well lubricated. I had spent the day nesting, and working up an appetite for him. We decided to walk home, and kept making frantic pitstops along the way. When we eventually got home, we fucked about some more, then crashed out.

Saturday was somewhat chirpy, but I could tell something was off.

By Sunday, there was a full-blown fog.

An unhurried, cautious clinical examination of what's triggering what. There are some reasons, yes - including a physical complication during sex that we're trying to figure out. But, mostly a jumble of annoyingly inexplicable emotions. This shit's just big, complex. I could empathise with where Lobe was coming from, I really could. He sees himself as monogamous. He's okay with me having other partners, but doesn't expect he'd want any himself. He hates, hates, hates long distance relationships. His ideal life partnership would be monogamous, uncomplicated... (ha!) This relationship would be difficult for his family to understand or accept, and isn't something he can currently discuss with his friends.

That's a lot of gunk. I'm surprised he's still finding this worthwhile! He says that it is hard but it's good. He is liking what it is.

Monday was compassionate, colleagial. We did some of our own work, side-by-side in the living room, played a video game together and cooked. We slept close. He left early this morning, a 5.30am taxi to the airport.

Ech, processing. It's like the brutal hangover of intimacy.

I don't mind though, to be honest. The pain of it is somewhat comforting. This is real, we're really doing it.
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  #84  
Old 01-28-2014, 03:10 AM
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Touching e-mail from Ocean this morning:

Quote:
Hey baby,

Just a quick note to tell you I love you. I've had a lot of time to think about things these past weeks and reassess my goals and projects. One of the things I am sure of is how good you are for me, how much I want to shape my life with yours and how much a part of me you are.

Thanks for being awesome.
Our eight year "first kiss" anniversary this April. God, I love that man.
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  #85  
Old 01-28-2014, 11:19 AM
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So many things happening, good and bad. You seem to have a lot on your plate. I don't really have any advice or comments, but I just wanted you to know that I'm still following your journey and find it fascinating. Good luck with everything.
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  #86  
Old 02-07-2014, 02:52 AM
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Thanks, Mya. A lot on my plate - very apt description!

A period of adjustment. Not sure if I've got enough time, energy... but will find out, no doubt!

Bear with me, a volley of names.

Grotto, Patch, Rick, Drew, Lobe.

All pretty good friends with each other, of the "go way back" kind. There are a few others in that circle, but only two or three more that I know very well, and who I'll leave out for now. En masse they're this peculiar masculine coven of ubergeek insanity... I can't fully describe the beauty of it, but they're a definite thing. The friendship they share is perfect, palpable, sacrosanct. A dark temple, at the threshold of which you must take off your shoes, and enter barefoot.

Patch is The Flatmate, he lives with Grotto. He's featured in a few posts like this one* (which incidentally includes a ridiculous map I made in a period of whimsy, ha) and this (though Patch isn't named there.) I've courted a crush on him, in the past, but it's like, whatever, now There's no story for the two of us but to be really good, non-sexual friends. Perhaps the pick-a-path book of our relationship that I'm reading from is the abridged version, but I don't notice any truncation. He's great, I love his friendship and conversations and hugs. We've traded massages, and it's cool to know someone who vibes with massage in the same way as I do.

Grotto loves living with Patch. They are currently working on a Complex Project together in their extracurricular time, and it's a buzz to witness their Buzz.

Rick is The Friend mentioned recently here (the close mutual friend of Grotto's and Lobe's) and awhile ago here* (scroll down to the conversation about camping.)

Recent news is that Grotto told Rick about me hooking up with Lobe. This was a Big Deal for Grotto (and I was actually quite nervous about it too, in the end!) It made it somehow more real. Rick's reaction was kinda hilarious: "Ha! Dirty old Lobe." And that was it. Pretty much as underwhelming as Ocean telling his parents about our non-monogamy.

Well. Rick's out of town for work for a couple of weeks, and this weekend Lobe is visiting the city again. Lobe and I were thinking we might need to scrape some cash together for a hotel (as I currently share a one-bedroom flat with Ocean), but in the end we're gonna stay at Rick's apartment as it will be empty. Convenient.

Drew is Another Friend. Not much to say about him right now, but he lives in this city and works with Rick and Grotto. He doesn't yet know about Lobe and me, but will probably find out soon enough. Here*'s a somewhat convoluted, mostly irrelevant and wholly out-of-date post featuring Drew.

[*NB these old blog posts refer to Ocean as Sago, Grotto as Carob, Djuna as Ella]
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  #87  
Old 02-17-2014, 05:17 AM
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Grotto's quite unwell. He's been dealing with difficult things around relationship dynamics, and with his work. His mood has become quite volatile, somewhat exacerbated by substance use. It's hard to tell how much is down to what. It's all mixed up.

I'm failing at being enough for him, right now. We've got into a bad position where he's been needing more time and I've been needing space. Not sure if I've written here about it before, but one of the more serious points of tension between Grotto and me is that he can easily feel abandonment, while I am quick to run if I feel trapped or engulfed. It may be that I need to take a break from both Grotto and Lobe for a bit. Because of their friendship with each other, and because of how certain things are triggering for Grotto, it wouldn't work for me to get space from Grotto but still be spending time with Lobe.

Not sure if this is needed, yet. Will see. Grotto asked if I would go to a counsellor with him. I found some options, but I don't know if I have the energy right now for counselling. I think it would be better to wait til we're both in the right headspace.

I've asked him to focus on self-care, and try to deal with the aspects of this that he has control over. Basically, take responsibility for his own wellness.

Meanwhile, I'm taking care of myself. It's good.
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  #88  
Old 02-18-2014, 02:06 AM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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I really admire your life and the way you articulate your thoughts and emotions. Ocean sounds adorably wonderful.

I hope you can work through the rough places with Grotto and Lobe. Something I have been curious about--they both seem very needy and/or mono-minded and/or easily upset by you just being yourself. Do you ever find that annoying? I feel like I would have lost patience with each of their issues by now, and I really admire that you haven't and that you care about them so deeply.
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  #89  
Old 02-21-2014, 01:04 AM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MeeraReed View Post
I really admire your life and the way you articulate your thoughts and emotions.
Thanks! I realise I can write a bit convolutedly on here, and I wonder if the story is too difficult to follow. I'm glad it is enjoyable reading, at least for some

Quote:
Originally Posted by MeeraReed View Post
Ocean sounds adorably wonderful.
He is. He really is.

A poem he shared with me very early on in our relationship is still a powerful expression of the strength he is in my life. It's 'Free love' by Rabindranath Tagore:

By all means they try to hold me secure, who love me in this world. But it is otherwise with thy love, which is greater than theirs, and thou keepest me free. Lest I forget them, they never venture to leave me alone. But day passes by after day and thou art not seen. If I call not thee in my prayers, if I keep not thee in my heart, thy love for me still waits for my love.


Quote:
Originally Posted by MeeraReed View Post
I hope you can work through the rough places with Grotto and Lobe.
Me too. The good aspects are so good, and the challenges seem to push me to be a better person. I'm also excited by the potential... These are the contemporary adventures, the terrain yet-to-be-mapped. We are bold, intrepid, making paths for others to follow, with boots and machetes.

That said, I feel somewhat detached about it too. Either it works, really works, or it doesn't. This is an experiment, and - however things pan out - in a sense we succeed if we simply manage to see it for what it is.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MeeraReed View Post
Something I have been curious about--they both seem very needy and/or mono-minded and/or easily upset by you just being yourself. Do you ever find that annoying? I feel like I would have lost patience with each of their issues by now, and I really admire that you haven't and that you care about them so deeply.
Hmm. My patience is partly because I care, but also because I see how this is worthwhile for me too. They are both really special people, and I love how my relationships with them enable me to learn, create and grow. Yes, the relationships have been more challenging in some ways, than my relationship with Ocean. But in other ways less so. For example, I haven't yet had to deal with either Grotto or Lobe feeling un-sexual towards me. Making peace with long periods of asexuality, with Ocean, has been tough.

Another reason why the rough times don't annoy me, could be that they're a signficant help for me to understand my own needs. MeeraReed, perhaps you have more clarity about what you need or want in partners or lovers. I'm still figuring a lot of things out. I find it easier to learn by doing. Oh sure, I read to learn, too. And share stories. And think about things. But mostly I just do it. Jump in, flail about, choke on water, clutch at vegetation, pull myself out, shake off, dry myself in the sun, laugh to myself and think "ok, what the fuck happened there? What have we learnt today, fuchka?"
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  #90  
Old 02-23-2014, 09:14 PM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fuchka View Post
Another reason why the rough times don't annoy me, could be that they're a signficant help for me to understand my own needs. MeeraReed, perhaps you have more clarity about what you need or want in partners or lovers. I'm still figuring a lot of things out. I find it easier to learn by doing. Oh sure, I read to learn, too. And share stories. And think about things. But mostly I just do it. Jump in, flail about, choke on water, clutch at vegetation, pull myself out, shake off, dry myself in the sun, laugh to myself and think "ok, what the fuck happened there? What have we learnt today, fuchka?"
No, I definitely don't have more clarity about what I want or need in partners

I tend to flail about mentally while not actually doing anything. I've had one lover-friend for the past two years (since I became consciously non-monogamous and solo poly). It's going very well, he dates plenty of others, I get plenty of time alone and the dynamic works excellently for us. I would like to find more connections in my life, but I'm not actively looking for a new partner because I'm not sure what sort of person or relationship would be right for me at this time, if any.

Lately I've been wondering if I'm using my own self-sufficiency as an excuse to avoid dating others. I am delighted by how encouraging and non-jealous my lover-friend is, but I have a lot of internal fears (mostly from a previous relationship) about ending up in a relationship with someone who struggles with my autonomy and my non-monogamy. It seems very common for people--good, caring, reasonable people--to still struggle with those things. So I'm avoiding dating instead.

I find it very thought-provoking to read the blogs here. Thanks for your response.
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