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  #11  
Old 02-13-2014, 08:01 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Wonderful feedback. Greatly appreciated.
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  #12  
Old 02-14-2014, 12:09 AM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vanquish View Post
Wow. Not the response I was expecting (except from nycindie).

First, I labeled the thread as graphic. If you didn't want to read it, you were warned. I didn't even really get that graphic about things. I could have gone a lot further.

Second, I wasn't trying to brag at all. In fact, what I wrote was the opposite of bragging for me. I was really afraid that I was going to get a bunch of people telling me crap like "well if you don't know, then you didn't do it right." and other versions of "you're really shitting in bed." or "8 years!! you're an idiot."

Third, the information I gave was pretty non-descript actually and you don't know what partner I'm talking about, so it's not like you can attribute it to one person in particular.

I open up about something that I feel exposed about and I get insults instead? Awesome. FFS, you are strangers on the internet. Wtf was I expecting.

Inyourendo, I have had a grown up conversation with this partner. She understands how my marital history affects my trust issues. When you're thinking dysfunctional thoughts just "having a grown-up conversation" doesn't always fix things. On one level I trust her and know she's not a liar. On a fucked up level my brain still has nagging thoughts and dysfunctional fears. Your advice amounts to "suck it up." which isn't helpful at all.

Dagferi, I'm sorry you were offended, but a) that was not my intent b) you're mischaracterizing my post and c) all you did was repeat the same thing that Inyourendo said. If I'm on a forum board about relationships, I know I need to have grown-up conversations. That's not a newsflash.

What I was looking for was help working through trust issues. Not insults.
I see you label your post as graphic. I was just letting you know that o was only responding to the first part in case I missed something from the rest.
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  #13  
Old 02-14-2014, 03:53 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I agree with Nyc.
I don't mind the graphic-and I think you did great at labeling it as graphic repeatedly.

As for the rest; relax. It takes time to re-train our brain. You have to retrain your brain after being lied to for so long. That takes time-and concerted effort on your part to continue forward in spite of the fear that your new partner may be lying. ESPECIALLY when there is no signs that suggest your fear is warranted.
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  #14  
Old 02-14-2014, 07:23 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Graphic shmaphic. This isn't a board for children or the workplace. We're adults here. If you don't like it, don't read it. You don't need to add to someone's guilt and shame by making a big deal about it, especially when maybe the problem is that you're too uptight about your own sexuality that you can't handle a few mundane details. Oral and a bit of light bondage is too much for you? That's fine, but it's your own hang-up. Kindly take your sex shaming back to the 1950s.

---

More than likely, your wife's inability to reach climax is more due to her own sexual repression and lack of experience. Many women don't know how to pleasure themselves, which makes it pretty much impossible for anyone else to do a good job of it.

OK. Quick cultural history lesson. Prior to the sexual revolution of the 60s, women were not "supposed" to enjoy sex. It was for pleasuring your husband and making babies. Nice women don't like to fuck. Then along comes Our Bodies, Ourselves (among others) and suddenly, women learned that sex can be fun! So the pendulum swung too far the other way, and suddenly instead of using women for their own enjoyment, it became man's job to satisfy his partner by bringing her to orgasm. Nice men don't finish first.

So along comes your marriage. Your wife knows she's supposed to enjoy sex, but for some reason, she's just not that into it. For the record, neither am I. Some of us just aren't, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Reasons to fake it are numerous, but they include everything from not wanting to hurt your feelings, to wanting you to get it over with so she can go to sleep. None of us can say why she faked it, and probably she can't either. But the bottom line is that it's her body and her issue if she can't climax.

Trust and self-esteem are notoriously difficult issues to overcome. Most people never fully recover. Validation has to come from within. No matter how many women you bring to orgasm, you'll never get over it unless you start letting it go on your own. Chances are you've got other issues with insecurity, or else learning that your wife had been faking it would have been reacted to externally, as in "why would she lie? that's not very nice of her." rather than internally, as in "what's wrong with me?"

I recommend speaking with a counsellor to work out your self-esteem issues. Praise is empty, it only fuels thoughts of inadequacy because it's unlikely to be believed, and more likely to be taken as manipulation or deceit, because you don't believe it for yourself.
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Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 02-14-2014 at 07:25 AM.
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  #15  
Old 02-14-2014, 09:42 AM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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Excellent post SC - I wish there was a like button. vanquish, SC has said exactly what I would have wanted to say. I wish you luck with your ongoing journey.

----

I'd like to echo some of what SC said about sex shaming. This post was clearly labeled as a little graphic. If that sort of thing is a problem to you, don't read posts that are marked as being graphic.

It does not show kindness or compassion to read something that you have a good idea might upset you and then take that upset out on the OP.

Plus - I hate to see that sort of negative attitude toward sex be perpetuated. I see it as incredibly damaging.

Don't want to derail your thread further, vanquish so will continue my thoughts on this subject in my blog.
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  #16  
Old 02-17-2014, 04:40 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Thank you, all. I'm working on my issues and your wisdom and assurances helped immensely.
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