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  #1881  
Old 02-17-2014, 04:17 AM
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Just a hello update.

AJ is picking up LB tomorrow and making dinner for our family! Feeling so loved by my long time friend.

On another note: Feeling quite forgotten today. Amazing how people leave your life and don't look back when you make choices they don't understand and judge as being the wrong choice. I feel shrugged off. It makes me wonder what is said or thought behind my back. I wish people would be more up front and honest. I prefer to hear all views. They think it best to be passive aggressive and say the very least in the hopes I go away. I'd say I didn't care if I could, but I can't, I'm deeply hurt and don't know what to do with that. Mono says I should let it go. He's the king of letting go. I, not so much.
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Last edited by redpepper; 02-17-2014 at 04:43 AM.
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  #1882  
Old 02-17-2014, 05:57 AM
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Mono is giving good advice. People make judgements, constantly (all of us). Their silence and letting go of you is really a communication by itself. What more need be said?
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  #1883  
Old 02-17-2014, 07:50 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by monkeystyle View Post
Mono is giving good advice. People make judgements, constantly (all of us). Their silence and letting go of you is really a communication by itself. What more need be said?
Yes. Walk away. Got it. Doing that is harder task but I will. Eventually. Thanks.
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  #1884  
Old 04-08-2014, 07:28 PM
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Hello Poly friends.

Little catch up.

I have been enjoying life and taking things as they come. Everything at the house is really good and we are all well settled. I enjoy each day and have no complaints about our new arrangements. We continue to make plans, live each day in our usual routines and love each other in our own unique ways.

I have been sorting out my relationships for the most part these days and that has had it's ups and downs. Creating friendships that are lasting and meaningful and that fulfill me has been difficult. I have a different idea of what friendship means than most after years of poly and I am working to express that, request what I want from others and figure out boundaries that make sense and are reasonable and comfortable. I don't want more partners but I do want to be close in ways that make me feel good.

I am not the sort to curb who I am around another and am finding more and more that I am a loner and prefer to make new friends and stay on the periphery of friendship circles rather than get overly involved. Is that a result of years of intense partnerships with many people whereby I was involved in many family circles? Possibly. Likely. Still, new friends have cropped up and I continue to be pleased to see where those friendships go.

I am enjoying what RP likes these days and taking note of what I can do in life that is without others rather than with them. I have a sense of belonging to those around me. I am enjoying the closeness of my inner circle and feeling like I belong.

I continue to see Brad although not as often as he doesn't live near me, has interests that are not mine, has different friends and I create tension in his life with others. He has his own life to sort out and I remain a constant confident and supporter when he needs me. For some reason we are attached to each other in ways that don't make sense to most so I struggle through and try and make it easier for all involved. I find that I am not as easily included in his greater life and that is fine with me but makes it more difficult to spend time with him. I hope that is temporary.

I have been spending time with Leo again and that has been really great for both of us I think. Slowly we sort out what happened between us and are developing a new relationship based on what we have learned and how we have grown in the two years we didn't speak to each other. We have gone over what happened, made our apologies and forge something new now. He is becoming someone who is close again and I am finding that he is included in my sense of belonging and being valued in the world.

My dearest friend right now is my ex wife. She has moved back to my city and I see her very often. She has a natural way of making life seem fun and light. She keeps my spirits up with her unending ability to just be there... even when I think that no one would be able to be around me for one second longer she seems to breeze through that and take me at face value. I am so grateful that she constantly renews my belief that I am loved and valued, even if I don't feel it from others and my negative self talk says otherwise. She simply will not stand for that and is confused that I would for one moment believe I am not valued by many...

The main thing I am doing these days is deciding not to over think and to let things resonate within me each moment. It amazes me just how many things are out of my hands and I have become involved in a conscious effort to just let things go and spend my time looking inside me instead. I have a lot of time these days and often find myself bored and frustrated. I am using the time to regroup and feel closer and closer to pouncing on a new phase of my life with renewed energy and insight.

Really the only thing in life is that there is no defining anything and that nothing is absolute. Poly or not is not what is relevant any more... what is going on right now and what I can do to create the feeling of safety, family, contentment and simplicity is. Fluidity is everything and there is no fail safe answer to anything when I decide to let life be fluid. Flaky, I know, but it works for me. Even if it confuses the hell out of those closest to me.

Hugs to those I love to share with here and that take the time to read. I welcome messages, updates and shared thoughts. Hugs to all.
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Last edited by redpepper; 04-08-2014 at 09:27 PM.
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  #1885  
Old 04-08-2014, 10:25 PM
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This sounds very much like where I've been at these last couple years and I'm happier because of it. You definitely sound much better than you did a few months back and it makes me smile.
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  #1886  
Old 04-17-2014, 11:30 PM
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Hey Redpepper
It is always good to read your posts and see how you are. I really appreciate the depth of your openness.

I'm giving polyamory my most serious shot to date due to the fact that my partner is dating my sister. Interesting times. My current thinking is that poly people should be loved in a way that is different to the mono version of love and maybe the fact that we tend to love as we would want to be loved contributes to the angst associated with mono/poly relationships. Don't know where this will all lead but we will see.

Happy Easter.

xx Sage
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  #1887  
Old 04-26-2014, 02:01 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sage View Post
Hey Redpepper
It is always good to read your posts and see how you are. I really appreciate the depth of your openness.

I'm giving polyamory my most serious shot to date due to the fact that my partner is dating my sister. Interesting times. My current thinking is that poly people should be loved in a way that is different to the mono version of love and maybe the fact that we tend to love as we would want to be loved contributes to the angst associated with mono/poly relationships. Don't know where this will all lead but we will see.

Happy Easter.

xx Sage
oh wow, haven't you come full circle.

Yes I think there is something to be said for that. Mono love is entirely different and just as valid. Poly love comes from a sense of seperate yet together. Mono from together yet seperate I think.... vaguely. Different on the inside. It's possible to seek either out at a time and be fine with either.

Life changes and needing love another way for a time is totally valid I think. It's all part of the human experience. I find it hard to talk about poly only now. Emotionally I love both ways and depending on where I am at in my life journey... different ways fit. I talk about relationship instead. As it pertains to certain people. Emotionally I am poly though. The act of relationship is different altogether. I could be both, either or neither.
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  #1888  
Old 07-25-2014, 03:40 PM
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In the past weeks I must of written this three times. Really though I am doing pretty good. happy, healthy, enjoying my uncomplicated quiet life. I am not sure why I have struggled but here it is.... A post.

It's been over a year since my life changed and I left the network of partners and friends I created for myself after I suddenly hit a wall one night of realization. I suddenly woke up for my poly haze and found myself again. I have been living with LB, PN, and Mono for several years now and we continue our adventure as a family. I chose them and now that I have no need to latch on to them for dear life in the hopes I could salvage what I believed I was losing I see that I made the right choices. Life has settled and love has grown in new and surprising ways. My loving heart has expanded again and I am finding new ways to love and be loved that bring new people into my life and new joy.

Everything is as it should be. PN told me today I shouldn't feel ashamed of my feelings and that I just need time to heal some wounds. Mono tells me to let go of the past and just be. I agree with both of them and in this moment have done just that. This is where I find strength to write today.

I feel I have had a huge shift in my trust and of others and that has been surprisingly freeing in a fearful way. Part of this is to do with the result of not feeling part of something I helped to create in my personal life I think. People I held close have shown sides I did not know before and it has created disappointment in me. My values have proven to be different than many of those around me and I just can't seem to accept that so I have shut myself out.

Shutting the door and stepping away from what I have learned from poly (for now) has suited me. It has meant being more brave than ever as I see the community I loved confused about my choices and sometimes unaccepting and judgmental. It seems that choosing not to identify does not keep me from people's belief that I am now mono (People do like to place people in boxes don't they?). I suspect it is just way to scary to believe someone would be brave enough to skirt the edge of all identifying communities by not identifying. No rules, no members and no attachments. For me it works, but it seems that if I am not identifying I am not able to be pinned down and therefore not accessible some how. All I can do is still be here, still be present and still show my face even though I am terrified of rejection.

Now I search for new horizons and go toward where I am appreciated and loved. I find it interesting that without expectations and because I have let go of reaching out to others and instead letting them reach out to me that I am finding that the strangest people come out of the wood work to connect. Not people I thought would but people who are supportive of whatever path I take, who appreciate my skills and personality and who are encouraging of all I do. Through the pain of loss and the joy of creating a solid loving foundation again with Mono, J and PN at the root, I am maturing and more wise than ever. It's a humbling thing to look back as see the mistakes and naivety I have had, but in time I will be stronger for it and forever changed into something better.
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Last edited by redpepper; 07-25-2014 at 03:54 PM.
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  #1889  
Old 07-25-2014, 04:38 PM
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  #1890  
Old 10-09-2014, 11:16 PM
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Just a little catch up;

I have been welcoming a new woman in our midst as PN has fallen in love and is head over heals for a married woman with two kids. His NRE has been a pain in my ass as NRE usually is but I am managing.

He announced he wanted to leave our house and situation about two months ago and the rug was ripped from underneath me. Fortunately for me I have been through far worse in the last years and felt no heartache over the end of an era, just fear. Fear of not being able to make it on my own (Mono isn't interested in committing beyond the moment). That abandonment issue I dealt with has been pushed to the edge far beyond what I ever thought possible. And I am still here and still okay. Proud of it.

I went to the bank, made myself familiar with my financial situation. Got on top of the worst case scenario and decided to beat my fear and rejoice in this final closure to my poly situations. A place of my own, my own money and time and me and my boy together. Sad, but mine.

The biggest worry was for LB. The boy is 11 and is not the sort to accept change such as moving into a condo with his mother part time. I was mostly worried for him. He has had the best that family can be and I don't want anything short of that for him. Still, not within my control.

This summer has been unpleasant yet I feel the best ever in terms of strength and perseverance. The unpleasantness came from months of taking care of PN's needs in his relationship and health. I didn't manage well and had to accept help a few times. Hard work for me. I am grateful to all who showed up to help me around the house and emotionally. Mostly Mono, who has struggled to understand PN for some time. He has been as patient as I.... Unfortunately part of the garden died, but I am confident it will come back again. Symbolic?

All that being said there has been more change; PN, now seeing things differently, no longer wants to leave.... I am left with one foot out the door and the door has slammed shut. I feel tossed one way and another with his rollercoaster of emotions and lack of ability to see clearly what is going on in his life. It isn't avoidable. I live with him and he is the father of my child. I must remain on a steady track for my kid.

I remain part of the poly community and maintain the friendships I have made and the one and only group I facilitate. It suits me. I am comfortable and hope with my wisdom I can be helpful and inspiring to others who are making "unique to them" choices. I hope to nurture the friendships I have and keep it simple and casual. All about fun with no drama. So far so good.

Off to prepare for a Canadian Thanks Giving dinner with my new metamour (?) that includes my mother in law and parents. They did it for me, my turn. I have become the beacon of solace and reassurance for them as PN plows through his announcements of change and out of control emotions. Sigh.... Looking forward to NRE ending.

I put people through this at one time. I will do my best to remain focused on the prize; a content life with health and happiest for all.
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Last edited by redpepper; 10-10-2014 at 04:20 AM.
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