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  #61  
Old 02-10-2014, 08:10 PM
bofish bofish is offline
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I haven't written much. I was a little turned off by the site after I got the private message from the "Custodian" making all kinds of weird assumptions.

I don't have a "loveless" marriage, That's for sure. I do at this point have a sexless marriage!

I went back on Cupid and I met a few guys I'm interested in. Most of them are poly. I want to go out with some of these guys and built a friendship first. I find that most 'dating" in my case means that you are going to meet and see if you want to "fuck." It is also interesting not disclosing my disability on my profile. i have written a lot about not being treated like a "regular woman" because I'm disabled. For many men, they are just completÚly dismissive of me. It was been very enlightening to present myself as abled and see how hostile and disgusting men are to women.

I've come out of my depression for the most part. The things I wrote about before remain consistent but it is slowly changing.

1. My husband's Gf - When we started, we thought that is could be a somewhat equal relationship with three way giving and communication. The issue remains that this is not what she wants. She wants my husband entirely separate from his home life, not to be integrated into "our" or "his" life. OK, here is the thing I continue to wrestle with: He has Saturday night allotted to stay at her house. He works Mon, Wed, Thurs, night and all day Sunday. When he goes to her house he is often gone for 24 hours. Right or Wrong, with our house and child, this is just too much for me.

What I have learned? I blame this all on the two of them. I don't like her,. Am jealous of her freedom, bla bla BLA. BUT what I have learned is that the issue is ME. I have been trained my entire life to put the needs of others over myself. And I do this all the time. The Gf has very strong boundaries about what she will and won't do. She has never (to my knowledge) made any concessions for me and rarely does for my husband. It is up to ME to make my needs met. So, I decided to tell him that with his work schedule a fixed night a week won't work. I asked that the night be moved around to accommodate our schedule a little more. He agreed. I also asked him not to make me feel bad because she's being ignored and so on. I know this isn't poly ideal... but their relationship seems to function more like a friendship with sex...I don't know.

Is anyone in a similar situation where someone is at work all the time and then has set night. What are your responsibilities to a lover who wants to be totally on the side?
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  #62  
Old 02-10-2014, 08:19 PM
bofish bofish is offline
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Default Lol

In the end, I sounded whiney here. I am interesting in dialoging about how people do things...but I need to be more unapologetic for getting my needs met. That is part of the issue. Can anyone give a link here to a similar situation.

It seems like many posts here have either intregated families, don't have kids, or are paramours. Does anyone have a situation with a lover who is not involved with the family and the primary couple has a kid (or kids)? How do you figure in the workload?

Last edited by bofish; 02-10-2014 at 08:22 PM.
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  #63  
Old 02-12-2014, 08:31 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bofish View Post
It seems like many posts here have either intregated families, don't have kids, or are paramours. Does anyone have a situation with a lover who is not involved with the family and the primary couple has a kid (or kids)? How do you figure in the workload?
My lover is long distance, so it's not directly applicable, but our timeframes just mesh well. We talk during the day at work, and then later in the evening after spouse and kids are asleep. She generally only sees her local bf on the weekends, so I work into her schedule equally well.

I visit her about once ever 3 months for a few days, typically during the week so as both not to take away time from my family and also not to take away time from her bf.
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  #64  
Old 02-13-2014, 02:49 AM
bofish bofish is offline
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Default Doctors, Disability and Poly

Today I went to the gynecologist. I decided, for lack of a better one and time issues, to go to a woman who i had been to 11 years ago. I saw her 11 years ago when I first became pregnant. At that time, when she met me she told mer condescendingly "you seem to have a grasp of what's going on for your situation" ...my 'situation meaning cerebral palsy. I quickly changed Ob_gyns and went with someone else who was not much better. Actually, she had to send me to another doctor (male) to get a sonogram. He was highly respectful and loving and I actually asked him to deliver my baby and told him how his colleague had offended me...he told me that he couldn't treat me because it would be like taking one of her patients. She found out what I had disclosed to him and when my son was about 2, somewhat apologized.

Today (ten years later) I let bi-gones be bygones and thought we would have a good laugh about it. When I first walked in, I guess she didn't remember me because the first thing she said was "What is your syndrome?" I told her cerebral palsy. She asked me if I were there for a pap-smear and I said, well, I had had one recently and I wanted to check for STDs. She briskly said, go take off your panties. She started asking me about my "syndrome" and how I got it. I told her it was a neurological condition caused from the umbilical cord being wrapped around my neck. Then she asked me if I had gone to school, and if I had finished high school! I told her that I had two masters and was a professor. She looked flabbergasted and said "good for you!" Then, I asked her to check for STDs. Instead of doing that, she said, well how long have you been with your husband? I said "13 years." But before she could say" well then don't worry" I lied and said "We broke up." Then, She said "Well, are you sexually active? " I said, "yes." She said "WITH WHO??" I didn't know what the hell to say...then I mumbled, "I have many lovers" All she said was "Do you use a condom?" I said, "always. I have a friend who died of AIDS." She dismissed the AIDS comment. I just said, did you see anything? She said "No." Then as I was leaving she goes "I'm really proud of you!" I was like ummmm, ok.
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  #65  
Old 02-15-2014, 08:44 AM
london london is offline
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I'm a single mum. My ex and our wider families help with childcare to ensure we both parent or child but also have a love life and social life too. This helps so we aren't tempted to integrate people into his life too soon just because we've got lonely and desperate and lower our standards.
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  #66  
Old 02-15-2014, 08:44 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bofish View Post
Is anyone in a similar situation where someone is at work all the time and then has set night. What are your responsibilities to a lover who wants to be totally on the side?
LoL I have a bit of both, but in two partners. Fortunately, I'm independent and it doesn't bother me. I also don't have kids, so that's a huge difference in terms of responsibility. Grown-ups can take care of their own needs, but kids need their parents to be present and responsible.

Gralson works out of town a lot. It's challenging for sure. So when he's off work, I earmark those days for spending time with him, and I tell Auto that I won't be available.

Auto and Zoffee have Friday night Date night. That used to be the day that all the kids when to their other dad's house, but that's changed since his work days changed. Auto works a lot too, and she has lots of extracurricular activities that keep her busy, but we don't live together or co-parent, so it's not the same at all.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bofish View Post
In the end, I sounded whiney here. I am interesting in dialoging about how people do things...but I need to be more unapologetic for getting my needs met. That is part of the issue. Can anyone give a link here to a similar situation.
Not a similar situation, but on the topic of getting one's needs met without guilt or shame... look up Nonviolent Communication. It's a way of looking at life in terms of feelings and needs, such that you try and accommodate everyone's needs, foremost your own. Amazon links: this and this

You're 100% correct that you need to learn to take care of your needs without any feelings of guilt or shame. I'm trying to teach Gralson the same thing. His mother was emotionally manipulative, and would make him feel guilty if he didn't do what she wanted. He would oscillate between being her slave and then skipping town all together and ignoring her phone calls. To say it was dysfunctional is a huge understatement. As nice as it might sound to be married to someone who'll do anything for you, regardless of whether they really want to, the reality is that you always pay for it. Any favour done for any reason other than you want to, will always leave you feeling resentful, and then you'll resent the person who asked you to do it. It's not fair to them, and it's not fair to yourself.
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

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  #67  
Old 02-15-2014, 08:56 PM
bofish bofish is offline
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Thank you SC and London for posting.

I realize after therapy this week, that my reactions have a lot to do with my childhood. I was basically abandoned at age 12 to take care of my 4 brothers and sisters. I was trained early on to ALWAYS put the needs of others first.

This was made more profound by being raised Catholic and Buddhist- two deciplines in which you are encouraged to practice compassion and give to people who have less.

It's funny, on the internet, I come off as a prickly pear. People here have accused me of being judgmental and uncaring and all kinds of shit. People are also very resistant against my vision of disability (as a mere difference, not a tragedy and in fact something that can be embraced). But in real life, I'm always the person to dwell on how to make things fair for everyone, give my last dollar away, and be the "matyr,." Now, I am in an intense learning curve because I need to learn not to take on the problems of others or put others above myself. This goes against the mythology in my own mind of being a "good" person. But, often I get taken advantage of.
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  #68  
Old 02-15-2014, 10:33 PM
bofish bofish is offline
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Default American Horror Story

I've been watching the dumbest show ever, American Horror Story: but what is interesting is one of the scenes in the last ep. season two where they expose the mental hospital conditions is stolen (nearly word for word) from Rivera;s expose of Willowbrook. Of course, it's not credited. To do that would be to acknowledge Willowbrook happened, which I have heard very few (if any acknowledge). Staten Island just built a college there- I don't even think there is a marker. It's was truly like a holocaust for disabled people and has yet to be acknowledged. Someone should make a movie. Maybe Leonardo Caprio can play a person with cerebral palsy!
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  #69  
Old 02-16-2014, 11:01 PM
bofish bofish is offline
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Sometimes i just feel like screaming. I just got off the phone with husband. We had plans as a family tomorrow (rare ones and it's a holiday). He "forgot" and scheduled a work session. The bind is we need to mooney...so work should be important, but again and again - this "forgetting" whenever I make plans for us! I don't know (sometimes) if this relationship is for me. I love him so much, but I just don't feel acknowledged.

Meanwhile, I was supposed to have a hot date this weekend, Turns out, he starts being unclear about the marital situation...hmmmm. So, that was out. Gee "dating" sucks. But I'm glad to have the experience of it all.

I read some of the posts on autism and they were helpful.
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  #70  
Old 02-17-2014, 06:19 AM
monkeystyle monkeystyle is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bofish View Post
I've been watching the dumbest show ever, American Horror Story: but what is interesting is one of the scenes in the last ep. season two where they expose the mental hospital conditions is stolen (nearly word for word) from Rivera;s expose of Willowbrook. Of course, it's not credited. To do that would be to acknowledge Willowbrook happened, which I have heard very few (if any acknowledge). Staten Island just built a college there- I don't even think there is a marker. It's was truly like a holocaust for disabled people and has yet to be acknowledged. Someone should make a movie. Maybe Leonardo Caprio can play a person with cerebral palsy!
Willowbrook is the most famous of mental hospital cases, save for perhaps London's. It led to federal legislation and endless press on the matter. Whether or not a fictional show should inject reality by attributing what were formerly common conditions in 'hospitals' for the mentally 'ill', to a single place, is probably something most wouldn't do. IMO, Willowbrook was one of many, many hospitals of monstrous acts here in the US - but the first one to get substantial press. Anyway, the one in the show I believe was some sort of private, Catholic-run facility. And I strongly doubt Willowbrook had a Nazi doctor performing experiments, a demon possessed lead nun - or a pack of aliens abducting people. So, some differences.

On DiCaprio, I read you were offended over the Wolf of Wall Street. I saw the scene you were upset about and felt it depicted barbiturate poisoning rather accurately (aside from ignoring the more serious side effects). Having experienced it myself in the distant past (and dealing with others being affected), I have some basis for opinion on that topic.
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