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  #71  
Old 04-08-2010, 11:52 PM
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LR might "want" something, but, again, he has to want it too, other wise there is no value in it. He has to value what she wants too. Make it a common goal. If it isn't then LR has to adjust. She can't make him do anything.
Exactly-and boy howdy-the adjustment is wrecking havoc on the situation! It upsets him because what I wanted-he says he wants, but he says he can't figure out how to do it.
Example:Quoting what he wrote to me,
"I don't know how to be your man when you have another. It's how its been the whole time since you've been married. I was there doing his job when he wasn't. How do I do that when he is?How do I do what he did when he was gone? When he wasn't taking care of you? How do I keep doing that? How can I be on his level and have the same position as him when I've spent 10 years defering to him?....
I don't want to be secondary to you."

How the hell do I answer this one any clearer? To me its simple, keep doing it.
What seems to be confused here is that
TO ME what he was doing was between HE AND I.
It wasn't about "pretending to be Maca" or "doing Maca's job".

It was MY beloved BEING my beloved.

What upset me is that he STOPPED.

He says he's spent 10 years defering to Maca while doing all of the things for me that Maca wasn't doing but can't figure out how to keep doing the things that he's been doing WHILE DEFERING to Maca because he feels inclined to defer to Maca.
HUH?

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Taking the bag for instance. If I were to think of that in terms of me being GG I would not necessarily understand what value there is in taking things to a consignment store. I'm assuming you take things there LR to make a little extra cash. They may very well only take seasonal things as some places only take seasonal stuff. I am assuming GG didn't know all this or care. Not because he doesn't love you or not value what you want, but because he didn't know how much you value such things.
I actually take the stuff there because they give credit that can be used to get stuff from them-and they carry kids clothing and toys. So we buy a lot of the kids clothing there. Ironically-GG is a BIG thrift store purchaser and does the SAME things with all of our books. He takes the used books into the consignment bookstore and exchanges them for credit to get new books for him, me and the kids. He did know that they only take the bags the first 2 weeks of each month and why I wanted it done.
But the ACTUAL taking of it-that's just not a priority to him. So he said he would do it (because he wanted to make me happy?) when I asked if that was something he could do on his way to or from work. But then he put it off for MONTHS and by that time, there were MORE bags. They also only take 2 bags a month per person and he knew that too.
SO I ended up having to get someone else to do it.

The real stupid part is I would normally do it myself-but (and he is VERY VERY well aware of this) I can't lift anything over 5lbs (since October) and can't drive (pretty much since October), so I CAN'T do it myself.
Instead I try to do the things I can, like fold his laundry (he got it washed today-I folded it and took it to his room), same with the kids laundry and of course my own.
I did do dishes, but right now I can't do that either.
I do pay all of the bills and send the checks and whatever for him and us.

Quote:
Maybe taking a moment to look him in the eyes and say, this is important to me and this why, would help him get it.
I did, I do. Not only that, I generally ask-IS this something you can do? Because there are 3 adults+ the 18 year old daughter I can ask. He says YES and then he doesn't do it.

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Really its superficial compared to jeopardising the positive energy in your relationship. At least in my mind anyways.
The bag is superficial RP. It was his choice of example. I waited a few months. Then I got someone else to do it. Mind you-that someone else did ask "wasn't GG going to do this?" and that led to a whole family conversation since it was then brought up to him. If it were JUST the bag-or even JUST since I had the medical b.s. it wouldn't be such a big deal-the thing is, it's all of the time and it's not just me. In fact it's LEAST often a problem for me.
He does this in every area of his life-and to everyone he deals with. It's bothering him, the reason it's come up right now with me, is that I decided not to be his enabler anymore. I decided that since I can't depend on him to be dependable, I wouldn't depend on him....

BUT that comes with some consequences and those consequences are even MORE obvious right now because of my health issues.....

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Another way to look at it is to ask how you might feel if he were to ask you to wash his car when he is sick. Okay, knowing you, you would probably do it, but you might just wonder if it really matters. To him it does, to you it may seem silly and lack value.
I get your point-but I can HONESTLY say that without a doubt, this is what would happen:

I would think it was silly. I would stare at him a few seconds with my left eyebrow raised.
Then I would walk my butt to the garage, find a bucket, go upstairs fill it with hot soapy water and ask someone to carry it outside for me.
I would ask Maca to hook up the hose, and while he did I would go get my washcloth-yes I own ONE mark it ONE washcloth personally, which for the record was a b-day present from GG.
THEN I would go wash the stupid truck. I would rinse it and wipe it dry and make sure it was actually clean. I would wash the wheel wells and the tires and behind the tires (but I wouldn't bother drying those).
I would get into the inside, take all the myriad shit he has piled up in the seat and floorboard out (one item at a time) and figure out what the hell it belonged to and where it should go.
Then I would put the trash in the dumpster (pet peeve-why do they bring the car trash in the house when there is a dumpster in the driveway?).
I would put the work stuff on the shelf I created for him in the dining room for his work stuff.
I would put away the stuff that was just "not put away".
THEN I would clean dash, inside of the windows, inside of the doors (including that part that isn't in or out that gets missed all the time), the radio, steering wheel, stick shift etc. Vacuum the seats and the floor.
And being me-I would then spray the drivers seat with my perfume just to be a butt.
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I disagree that we should expect others to do things because we value them and they don't. If we value them and they don't then we should do them and leave it alone if they refuse.
That would be fine-IF HE REFUSED. My point to him is that his ACTIONS refuse-but his words keep saying yes and I simply can't take it anymore so I'm not going to ask.

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It is a whole other thing when someone says they will and then don't. Not okay with me. I would prefer they say they don't value it at this time and refuse.
Exactly! Cause then I know to ask someone else if I need help with it!

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It may sound obvious to you LR but not to GG. I hope this make some sense and you realize I made a lot of assumptions based on my own life experience. Hopefully you and others get something out of that.
Oh it made PERFECT sense to me RP. I just hope it helps GG and anyone else reading it too.

I love him-make no mistake. I won't give up on our relationship. But it's a "time of growth" and that is often quite painful. This is proving to not be an exception to that rule.
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  #72  
Old 04-08-2010, 11:53 PM
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Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
That deserves a celebration smiley

How the hell did you do that with the smileys????

Thanks for the celebration smiley by the way!
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  #73  
Old 04-09-2010, 02:02 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
How the hell did you do that with the smileys????

Thanks for the celebration smiley by the way!
Find a site like this

http://www.mysmiley.net/

Click on the smilie you want and copy the forum BB code into here



voila...smilies
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  #74  
Old 04-09-2010, 03:02 AM
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My oh my there is some learnin goin on here! I hope it's GG that is too!

I like your exercising example... I think that hit the nail on the head for me. I just went for a run, hated every minute of it, and now am feeling great.... sometimes we just have to do these seemingly stupid things and suck it up, because after we see the benefits.
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  #75  
Old 04-09-2010, 03:20 AM
Ilove2men Ilove2men is offline
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Excuse my intoxication, but is there something in the water making our men lose their damn minds? I haven't read the updates since this afternoon. I'll go back an read them tomorrow. I'm just trolling because today.. my first day truly being okay again was flushed away by my boyfriend and now i can't sleep... and boys are poo in my eyes at the moment. lol So myeah... Forgive me
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  #76  
Old 04-09-2010, 03:43 AM
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I JUST got back from a 4.3 mile walk-1 hr 15 minutes. Gotta make up my time AGAIN.
But I will.
Still have to be careful for now. But that's not a major loss on time, just a little one.

It was chilly-but not cold, snow melting off (again) and the roads are dry. Sun out-ah can't wait for summer!!!

Sometimes it sucks the things you have to do to get what you want. But if you want it bad enough-you find that the sucky things are tolerable.

I want to do an ironman triathlon. That means training. I have a blister on my toe-that sucks, it hurts, it's annoying. But I walked anyway-because I WANT TO DO THE IRONMAN. It's all about priorities.

Really the question for GG isn't do you want this relationship (fortunately for him that's not my style).
It's HOW do you want this relationship. He SAYS "I don't want to be secondary..."
But he also says, "I can't prioritize you above all the rest."

THAT IS NOT a PRIMARY relationship. Or to put it in less "threatening terms" that is NOT a PRIMARY PRIORITY.

My NUMBER ONE priority for 18+ years has been my kids.
That means that they WERE PRIORITIZED over EVERY ONE ELSE in my life............

Get it?

I do get the concept that multiple people can be equally important to a person-I even get that people who are NOT equally important might have equal importance at specified times.

I was telling a friend yesterday-IF Maca was home after a major surgery (like I am right now) and she called heartbroken over relationship problems, I wouldn't NOT be there for her. I would tell her to come over.
Because I could listen to her, hold her, be a friend to her AND take care of Maca's needs if she were HERE, but I WOULD NOT LEAVE HIS SIDE to go be with her.

On the other hand,
IF she was in a car accident with her kids-and the cops called because she and her husband died, and the grandparents were out of town, I would leave Maca and go to the hospital to get those three kids ASAP.
AND
Maca would expect me to, because he's not DYING. I would bring those kids back HERE where I could care for him AND THEM.

Ironically that book that Polynerdist suggested maca read, Living Happily Ever After by Marsha Sinetar talks about the solution I used in that example-
CREATIVE ADAPTATION.

She talks about how IMPERATIVE it is to have this in order to have a happy, fulfilled life (in chapter ONE).

She outlines on page 19 (which is only the third page in the first chapter) that "our emotions are translated into attitudes, thus becoming assets or liabilities. We use our emotions to help us apply our knowledge or to keep us stuck."

THIS is key for you GG-which you damn well know-as you READ this part of the book, and TOLD ME this was an issue you needed to deal with-before putting the book down and walking away from it all.

"If a person's attitude is negative when facing a predicament, if he doesn't wish to be bothered with the situation, if it intimidates him, if he characteristically backs away from problems, it matters little how much knowledge he has. Negative attitudes are likely to result in maladaptive responses rather than creatively adaptive ones. Attitudes determine how a person uses his knowledge to solve problems."

"Many people undermine their own creativity-and their own happiness-by overplanning or by being negative. They thwart their ability to meet new experiences effectively. In fact, they may actively fight a change-resist it at every turn. Often their own greatest battle is with themselves; they resist their own growth and personal development. This as we shall see, limits their ability to be creative and also deprives them of joy."


THAT is the issue.

MORE pertinent quotes-next page...

"They lean on others to do their thinking for them."

"Or they adopt passive, helpless responses, even physical limitations, that prevent them from making fuitful choices and actions."

"They may get more pleasure out of complaining than out of mastering their situation."

"Our ability to change and adapt successfully to life's pressures and problems lies within us, not with a strong other. Our inner resources help us confront outer circumstances in a uniquely competent way.Our creative adaptive response comes from developing this inner set of resources, and this development stirs in us a state of being in which fear-although experienced-is not debilitating."

AND THIS ONE IS KEY TODAY after reading the pity party entry I have to point the importance of THIS quote which GG-again-you ALREADY READ...

"Each of us has the choice to interpret a life event in a way that either builds our strength and self-respect or undermines it."

I COULD have let you not being the way I expected lead me to feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness etc. BUT that's NOT PRODUCTIVE so I started searching for what I could learn from it-and then worked on LEARNING IT.

YOU COULD be taking the same tactic. You could be looking at this and saying, "huh, I didn't realize. So what CAN I learn from all of this and what do I want to do from here." then do it.
Instead you write me PAGES of "poor poor me". YOU KNEW that's what it was before I read it-because you TOLD ME SO.
TO WHAT END?????
WHAT is the point? Seriously-I want to know.

WHAT is the point of what you wrote?
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  #77  
Old 04-09-2010, 03:44 AM
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Originally Posted by Ilove2men View Post
Excuse my intoxication, but is there something in the water making our men lose their damn minds? I haven't read the updates since this afternoon. I'll go back an read them tomorrow. I'm just trolling because today.. my first day truly being okay again was flushed away by my boyfriend and now i can't sleep... and boys are poo in my eyes at the moment. lol So myeah... Forgive me
I apologize for giggling. I hope you are doing ok. It's quite possible-but if so it's likely to be a HUGE world issue, because we don't all live in the same area..........
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Old 04-09-2010, 03:57 AM
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Originally Posted by Ilove2men View Post
Excuse my intoxication, but is there something in the water making our men lose their damn minds? I haven't read the updates since this afternoon. I'll go back an read them tomorrow. I'm just trolling because today.. my first day truly being okay again was flushed away by my boyfriend and now i can't sleep... and boys are poo in my eyes at the moment. lol So myeah... Forgive me

Im srry that your having a rough time with your BF. It seems to be going around. But dont give up hope on us guys. <HUGS>

Peace and Love
Maca
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Old 04-09-2010, 03:59 AM
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
I apologize for giggling. I hope you are doing ok. It's quite possible-but if so it's likely to be a HUGE world issue, because we don't all live in the same area..........
LOL It's a PANDEMIC!!! This just in... women are not the emotional basket cases. It was a big undercover plot to hide the real culprits!

I'm okay really. I'm just having a "can a girl get a break" moment... I want to be there for my men, but I can't do that when I keep getting trampled by their issues. I've been through alot recently (which you can way more than relate to) and I need to build myself back up a little. He needs space to "figure something out" So I'm being very boy and knocking a few back and I will stroll into work with my shades on and tell myself TGIF all day long... hopefully. lol
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Old 04-09-2010, 04:01 AM
Ilove2men Ilove2men is offline
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Originally Posted by maca View Post
Im srry that your having a rough time with your BF. It seems to be going around. But dont give up hope on us guys. <HUGS>

Peace and Love
Maca
We never do. That's why yall love us so much Thanks for the hug, who knew a digital hug on a web forum could mean so much... really.
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