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  #311  
Old 02-16-2014, 08:33 AM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Originally Posted by london View Post
I've discovered recently that I really struggle when relationships move "too fast", and not just my own. It is associated with my dislike of change. Even the slightest change is magnified. I even find positive change hard.

My current relationship moved fast. Too fast. And I just about handled it without freaking out. He disagrees that it moved fast so no surprise that he's met someone new and it was/is moving fast. I am/was struggling. I know now that this is a burden of being with me in a poly relationship.

I've said that if it's too much, I'll step away and let them stabilize then perhaps come back.
Awesome. Sounds like you're taking charge of yourself, as someone who moves "slower"-- unfortunately, in my case, I can't rely on that person to do the same
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  #312  
Old 02-16-2014, 08:36 AM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
I second that. Great advice.

We have an agreed set of boundaries. In them is an agreement to re-evaluate them at set times every 3 months.
Sometimes they don't change when we reevaluate. Sometimes they do. Totally depends.
Most of the changes have been unexpected changes due to the realization of them being unnecessary.

The biggest point is that it alleviates the "in the heat of the moment" discussions which amp up anxiety, defensiveness and emotional reacting. It allows for a more methodological dissection of "is this working for me" and "if not, what is wrong". Followed by clear cut requests and responses and discussion.
Yep. This is a rule of my polyship and one we've all found useful. Reevaluate terms of the poly agreement every six months.
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  #313  
Old 02-16-2014, 08:58 AM
london london is offline
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Take my situation.

He said he isnt prepared to pace things to suit me and I need to trust he won't neglect us.

He did compromise my trust once, we've moved on, but ripple effect present. He understands that his fuck up made things worse and is compensating by considering my feelings more than is typically reasonable. I'm trusting him even when I want to run, hate feeling doubtful. But I have to in order to get past this.

He's agreed to let me go quietly if necessary. He will try and balance organic growth vs going too fast.

It's up to me to admit that its my issue and I might need to step away, but it's also up to him to be firm about meeting his needs and accepting if our needs do clash. He has to be strong enough to enforce me stepping away if I can't.

Last edited by london; 02-16-2014 at 09:03 AM.
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  #314  
Old 03-24-2014, 06:27 PM
seakinganswers seakinganswers is offline
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Default Boundaries in relationships

I haven't posted in awhile. To remind everybody I recognize myself as poly but am willing to be Mono for my wife who wants nothing to do with the lifestyle. I cheated on her a few times roughly 5 years ago. All the trust issues got much worse recently when I told her I'm a freak in the bedroom and oh by the way I want an open relationship.

That's the cliff notes. We are seeing a therapist and I'm keeping an open mind even though the therapist isn't really poly friendly. Recently she started discussing setting up boundaries. My initial reaction wasn't great. At first I told her I don't have any. I completely trust her. And if she ever broke that trust then maybe our relationship isn't worth saving. That's how I think relationships should work in a perfect world. But reality us we don't live in a perfect world and no relationship is perfect.

So I started thinking about what my boundaries might be. So far the only one I came up with was that she is no longer allowed to look in my phone or log into my Facebook to check in on me. When she started doing it I thought full openness and honesty would foster trust. It had the opposite effect and she is almost convinced I am sleeping with this girl at work, just because we occasionally text outside of work and sometimes have some "inappropriate" humor. Even though I have 3 other guys at work I do the same with. Anyways I got tired of all the questions and accusations and decided to make that my first boundary. Is this productive? I have some friends that say they would never let their wife see their phone and they extend the same courtesy to their wife.

My other problem is that so far I have one boundary and it has to do with her lack of trust in me. I'm pretty sure her boundary list will be extensive and most will also have to do with her lack of trust in me. And on top if that we have a history of her using her being "uncomfortable" with certain situations to manipulate me and take all the fun out if anything I ever want to do. I think it's part of what got our relationship to be so bad before I cheated. So Something deep down inside me avoids boundaries like the plague. I have this image in my head of a dozen rules and boundaries having to do with who I spend time with, when, and what time my curfew is. It doesn't help that I got home at almost 4am the other day by no fault of my own. A few girls that came with us couldn't find their car and one thing turned into another and I just never felt comfortable leaving them downtown around a bunch of drunk and homeless guys walking down the street until they were safely in their car and on their way home.

I feel like I keep doing the right things and the honorable things and getting in trouble at home for it. Kind of like I can't win. And I will not agree to any curfew. At most ill agree to text her if I'm going to come home past a certain time but even that has to be flexible because I'm not about to watch my clock and get an earful just because I didn't text her in time.

Am I being ridiculous? I just don't get her mentality at all. But then again, I'm the guy that's so happy for her when she comes home and tells me a guy hit on her because I know it made her happy, so I have a hard time when I get an opportunity to do something fun and her initial reaction always seems so self centered and selfish because of all her insecurities. I guess in a sense we already have different boundaries. She can go on a cruise with her girlfriends and I can't. She can do overnight trips, she could go to Vegas, she could try out for Big Brother if she wanted to, etc, etc. I wouldn't be able to do any if these things. So maybe spelling them out will be helpful even if I think they would be unfair.
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  #315  
Old 03-24-2014, 07:30 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Sounds like a lop sided relationship. 2 things popped into my head

1 - that sounds like a fair boundary, but if you relationship was built on respect and trust, you wouldn't need to define it.
2 - Really sounds like most of this is stuff you need to be talking to the councilor about. From the surface it seems like you two have a different concept of what a relationship is. You have to build back trust. Some people would say slowly, others would say throw her in the fire. Up to you. You could allow her to build a craptastic amount of walls around your life, and then try to break each down individually..

Or you could decide you both have different ideas of what a relationship is.. she has very little trust in you.. those are two things that would generally push someone away.

Boundaries can be healthy.. sometimes they aren't just boundaries but little pieces of control. And on top of that, its up to each person to figure out how much control others can have over them, so the boundary is in fact, healthy for them. If her boundaries make you feel manipulated and controlled.. then that is another factor to take in

I guess the short of it is, based on what you have said you like and want.. you have 3 personal red flags about this relationship..

Then again, she hasn't defined her boundaries. You may be pleasantly surprised when you actually start negotiating. Councillors are virtually useless (I am saying this in a semi endearing way.. they are useless to people who already communicate well) .. they are (or should be) exceptional at one thing, mediating. Bringing two sides together to talk. They tend not to prescribe anything beyond all parties communicating.. in the end they get paid to help all parties talk. Compromise and meet somewhere in the middle to make everyone happy. If there is no middle ground. Break up.

Best of luck..
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  #316  
Old 03-24-2014, 07:53 PM
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alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
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Rules - acts of control - can wave their wand as a boundary, when in reality, it's a rule. A spouse is a partner, an equal, but sometimes for their comfort level a rule gets used and is coated as a boundary. Need to discern when she states a boundary whether it is just that (her boundary for her comfort level) or a rule that controls your actions and ability to be autonomous.

A boundary hub and I have is no discussion of a want or need first thing in the morning. This is not just a trigger for him but me as well. Makes for a bad day all around. A new boundary starting to form is to communicate a need or want face to face rather via text. A text...well a text is a chicken's way out of dealing with an answer they don't want. It's not fair nor is it true communication. I'm just as guilty of it as my partner is. His texts are "wants" and mine are "issues". Usually mine come up when at work and his, well his are when I am just in another room and he can't wait to approach me in person (usually won't bring it up in person so if he wants to discuss something I'm refusing to reply via text).

Due to being new at my job (it's a professional position), living in a small community, I have a boundary for hub and his girlfriend to not kiss in my work parking lot when she picks him up (we only have one car) or drops him off the next day (oh I work long hours right now except today...a sick kiddo I'm home with until hub gets off work). That's my boundary. I'm not trying to control how they show love to each other at all. He sleeps over with her, goes out with her, etc. But as I said, new to my job and we are not "out". I don't feel a desire to have to explain to a co-worker (whom I barely know nor know to trust) what they just saw. Hub and girlfriend can respect it or they can choose to not. So far it appears it's respected.

Just remember a boundary is not a rule and a boundary can change with needs and wants.
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  #317  
Old 03-24-2014, 08:41 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Initial thoughts-

1)Any rules need to go both ways. If no peeking at fb-neither of u get to. Etc. this tends to help the "stricter" person understand some of their annoying rules because they are bound by them as well *even if them doing xyz activity wouldnt bother their partner*
2) when defined as rules=things I hold you accountable for & boundaries=things I/we hold ourselves accountable for;
rules tend to backfire. Very destructive for ANY relationship, sexual or not.
Whereas boundaries are a natural occurence and discussing them tends to help partners (again of any type-not only romantic/sexual partners) clarify what they can be expected to do/be in any particular scenario. Also help an individual clarify for themselves how they expect themselves to act AND make idiosyncracies, biases, double sta dards easier to detect for ones self.
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  #318  
Old 03-24-2014, 09:53 PM
seakinganswers seakinganswers is offline
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I think I see what y'all are saying. I think the two of us would have a hard time agreeing what a rule is and what a boundary is. I honestly don't think her intent is to use boundaries to manipulate. I think she genuinely is uncomfortable with anything outside her control because she has trust issues. So in her mind its just a boundary to make her comfortable. When in reality it's nothing more than her subconscious attempt to control everything around her.

I should mention she already broke the one boundary I set and looked at my text history, then when I caught her she starts trying to validate her decision by saying their were questionable texts from a girl that called me a nickname. Which of course must mean I am cheating on her with this girl. And she joked about missing me when I was on vacation because last time I came back from vacation everybody at work acted like they didn't even know I was gone.

She is not sure she wants to respect my boundary because it gives me carte Blanche to cheat on her without her finding out. I keep trying to tell her that if she thinks by her not checking my phone I will run out and cheat on her then we might as well end this thing now.
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  #319  
Old 03-24-2014, 10:29 PM
seakinganswers seakinganswers is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
Sounds like a lop sided relationship. 2 things popped into my head

1 - that sounds like a fair boundary, but if you relationship was built on respect and trust, you wouldn't need to define it.

Isn't that pretty much true of all boundaries?
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  #320  
Old 03-25-2014, 02:40 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by seakinganswers View Post
I think I see what y'all are saying. I think the two of us would have a hard time agreeing what a rule is and what a boundary is. I honestly don't think her intent is to use boundaries to manipulate. I think she genuinely is uncomfortable with anything outside her control because she has trust issues. So in her mind its just a boundary to make her comfortable. When in reality it's nothing more than her subconscious attempt to control everything around her.

I should mention she already broke the one boundary I set and looked at my text history, then when I caught her she starts trying to validate her decision by saying their were questionable texts from a girl that called me a nickname. Which of course must mean I am cheating on her with this girl. And she joked about missing me when I was on vacation because last time I came back from vacation everybody at work acted like they didn't even know I was gone.

She is not sure she wants to respect my boundary because it gives me carte Blanche to cheat on her without her finding out. I keep trying to tell her that if she thinks by her not checking my phone I will run out and cheat on her then we might as well end this thing now.
The fact that she can't seem to help checking your phone seems rather obsessive-compulsive. It makes me think of the classic hand-washing to keep the germs away ~ the phone checking to keep the outside women away. How long did she go before she broke your agreement?
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