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Old 11-15-2013, 07:31 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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I'm really against the idea of keeping score....but if you consistently break trust...it'll damage the relationship. Maybe even end it.

I also don't like having too many rules. Rules are usually made to be broken I prefer having standards, as in, We believe in regular communication with all partners. What that means may change over time and vary from person to person.
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Old 11-16-2013, 02:54 AM
Norwegianpoly Norwegianpoly is offline
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Don't punish rules broken. That is not good karma. Either it was too much for you and you end the relationship, and you forgive and work throgh it together.

There are phones. If you are uncertain, call or text and ask. If you are still uncertain, don't do it. Limit your drinking at parties, since more than a couple of drinks makes for bad decition making and possably rules broken. If you mess up, apopologigize and allow the other person to feel hurt for some time, and work on re-building the trust. Use a condom. Also, me and my husband has a "try not to fuck them in the same night as you meet them"-rule, but again: there are phones.
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Old 11-16-2013, 07:43 AM
london london is offline
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Location: UK - land of the free
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You have to be honest about why the rule was broken and see what it means for the future. If the rule was no kissing, and you kissed, perhaps you need to kiss other people and a rule forbidding it makes you unhappy.
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Old 11-16-2013, 11:13 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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"Do not create agreements for expectations of behavior you are not willing/able to keep. And if over time an agreement no longer fits, ask to renegotiate it FIRST. "

That seems the easiest and most polite.

The details of how people want to be together in whatever open relationship model they are practicing is going to vary.


has some sheets if you need something to look at to help "calibrate" and get on the same page so misunderstandings are minimized.

If you and your partner choose to participate in polyship with X agreements in place and once of you breaks them? And conflict resolution doesn't work out? The simplest consequence is you both stop participating in polyship.

Whether than means you "close" or "break up" is on both to discern. Either party can withdraw their willingness to participate. Nobody is going to make them participate against their will!

People could have second chances, and some skills take longer to learn and I'm willing to support them while they are trying. But there's a point where it becomes "no effort being made" here and gets ridiculous. You don't get 5 million "second chances" just to coast. YKWIM?

For myself? I like (3 strikes you are out.) Lying to me is a 1 strike because if I can't trust your word, all communication about all else is broken. If there's a problem that's becoming chronic and there is NO reasonable effort being made at all? It's just lip service?

On the clock then -- for 3 strikes you are out. If I have to bring it to your attention 3 times you are not serious. That (3 strikes) limit helps prevent me from allowing soft feelings for the person tempt me to put up with shenanigans longer than needed.

It's good you are talking this out. What the dealbreakers are and how you want to be together and how you want to be as exes if that ever comes to pass. Then there too you know what behavior to expect from YOURSELF as well as the other person, and can come to agreement on that. Then you can hold each other accountable to your agreements and play ball -- hopefully well!


Last edited by GalaGirl; 11-16-2013 at 11:28 AM.
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Old 11-16-2013, 06:42 PM
Dianthus Dianthus is offline
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if the boundaries aren't deal-breakers in and of themselves, you're setting yourselves up for some really unattractive rules-lawyering by setting a punishment for breaking the rule in advance. Firstly, you're planning to have your rules broken, which is never a good baseline to start from.

And secondly, you're inviting thought patterns like "Well, I really want to do X with Y tonight, but it breaks the rules. But if I break the rules, I know that Z is going to be the punishment, and yeah... I guess it's worth putting up with that punishment to get my way right now." That sort of transactional thinking can really mess up a relationship. Plus, it doesn't say anything good about the strength behind your rules or your mutual understanding and agreement about why they're there in the first place.
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Old 11-16-2013, 06:46 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Have you done a search? If you would like to get a large cross-section of opinions, you could check out some of the many previous threads on how to establish boundaries or rules in a poly or open relationship. Some of these threads are real goodies, with lots of viewpoints, excellent strategies, and information. Just use the Advanced Search function, or Tag Search, for words like "boundaries" or "rules."
The world opens up... when you do.

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Old 02-15-2014, 06:30 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Default Boundaries

Wanted to press a bit deeper on this....

I've heard you're supposed to move at the "pace of the slowest." That seems fair-- at first.

But how long do you accommodate? Do you slowly push boundaries? Wait for that person to be ready on their own and tell you? Hope they do? Set up an internal time limit and when that's reached, have a confrontation?

I won't post opinions, but I will clarify if needed. Just want to hear what others have to say....
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Old 02-15-2014, 06:51 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
But how long do you accommodate? Do you slowly push boundaries? Wait for that person to be ready on their own and tell you? Hope they do? Set up an internal time limit and when that's reached, have a confrontation?
I like GG's oft-cited advice to agree on a fixed deadline and hold them to it. People have a way of dragging things out if there's no external motivator to push them.

Along the way, have check-ins. How's it going? Are you on course for the deadline? Is there anything I can do to help?

This is all assuming, of course, that the person has agreed to the process and is ready and willing to do the work required to get there. If they're hesitant to agree on a fixed date, then it's probably a sign that they aren't really comfortable with the process as a whole. Then you need to re-evaluate the situation.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
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Old 02-15-2014, 09:30 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I second that. Great advice.

We have an agreed set of boundaries. In them is an agreement to re-evaluate them at set times every 3 months.
Sometimes they don't change when we reevaluate. Sometimes they do. Totally depends.
Most of the changes have been unexpected changes due to the realization of them being unnecessary.

The biggest point is that it alleviates the "in the heat of the moment" discussions which amp up anxiety, defensiveness and emotional reacting. It allows for a more methodological dissection of "is this working for me" and "if not, what is wrong". Followed by clear cut requests and responses and discussion.
"Love As Thou Wilt"
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Old 02-16-2014, 08:12 AM
london london is offline
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Location: UK - land of the free
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I've discovered recently that I really struggle when relationships move "too fast", and not just my own. It is associated with my dislike of change. Even the slightest change is magnified. I even find positive change hard.

My current relationship moved fast. Too fast. And I just about handled it without freaking out. He disagrees that it moved fast so no surprise that he's met someone new and it was/is moving fast. I am/was struggling. I know now that this is a burden of being with me in a poly relationship.

I've said that if it's too much, I'll step away and let them stabilize then perhaps come back.
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boundaries, boundary negotiation, boundary pushing, boundary setting, broken agreements, dating, guidelines, jealousy, managing relationships, negotiation, poly, primary, rules, rules vs boundaries, secondary, trust issues, veto

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