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Old 02-15-2014, 06:30 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Default Boundaries

Wanted to press a bit deeper on this....

I've heard you're supposed to move at the "pace of the slowest." That seems fair-- at first.

But how long do you accommodate? Do you slowly push boundaries? Wait for that person to be ready on their own and tell you? Hope they do? Set up an internal time limit and when that's reached, have a confrontation?

I won't post opinions, but I will clarify if needed. Just want to hear what others have to say....
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Old 02-15-2014, 06:51 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
But how long do you accommodate? Do you slowly push boundaries? Wait for that person to be ready on their own and tell you? Hope they do? Set up an internal time limit and when that's reached, have a confrontation?
I like GG's oft-cited advice to agree on a fixed deadline and hold them to it. People have a way of dragging things out if there's no external motivator to push them.

Along the way, have check-ins. How's it going? Are you on course for the deadline? Is there anything I can do to help?

This is all assuming, of course, that the person has agreed to the process and is ready and willing to do the work required to get there. If they're hesitant to agree on a fixed date, then it's probably a sign that they aren't really comfortable with the process as a whole. Then you need to re-evaluate the situation.
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Old 02-15-2014, 09:30 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I second that. Great advice.

We have an agreed set of boundaries. In them is an agreement to re-evaluate them at set times every 3 months.
Sometimes they don't change when we reevaluate. Sometimes they do. Totally depends.
Most of the changes have been unexpected changes due to the realization of them being unnecessary.

The biggest point is that it alleviates the "in the heat of the moment" discussions which amp up anxiety, defensiveness and emotional reacting. It allows for a more methodological dissection of "is this working for me" and "if not, what is wrong". Followed by clear cut requests and responses and discussion.
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Old 02-16-2014, 08:12 AM
london london is offline
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I've discovered recently that I really struggle when relationships move "too fast", and not just my own. It is associated with my dislike of change. Even the slightest change is magnified. I even find positive change hard.

My current relationship moved fast. Too fast. And I just about handled it without freaking out. He disagrees that it moved fast so no surprise that he's met someone new and it was/is moving fast. I am/was struggling. I know now that this is a burden of being with me in a poly relationship.

I've said that if it's too much, I'll step away and let them stabilize then perhaps come back.
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Old 02-16-2014, 08:33 AM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Originally Posted by london View Post
I've discovered recently that I really struggle when relationships move "too fast", and not just my own. It is associated with my dislike of change. Even the slightest change is magnified. I even find positive change hard.

My current relationship moved fast. Too fast. And I just about handled it without freaking out. He disagrees that it moved fast so no surprise that he's met someone new and it was/is moving fast. I am/was struggling. I know now that this is a burden of being with me in a poly relationship.

I've said that if it's too much, I'll step away and let them stabilize then perhaps come back.
Awesome. Sounds like you're taking charge of yourself, as someone who moves "slower"-- unfortunately, in my case, I can't rely on that person to do the same
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Old 02-16-2014, 08:36 AM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
I second that. Great advice.

We have an agreed set of boundaries. In them is an agreement to re-evaluate them at set times every 3 months.
Sometimes they don't change when we reevaluate. Sometimes they do. Totally depends.
Most of the changes have been unexpected changes due to the realization of them being unnecessary.

The biggest point is that it alleviates the "in the heat of the moment" discussions which amp up anxiety, defensiveness and emotional reacting. It allows for a more methodological dissection of "is this working for me" and "if not, what is wrong". Followed by clear cut requests and responses and discussion.
Yep. This is a rule of my polyship and one we've all found useful. Reevaluate terms of the poly agreement every six months.
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Old 02-16-2014, 08:58 AM
london london is offline
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Take my situation.

He said he isnt prepared to pace things to suit me and I need to trust he won't neglect us.

He did compromise my trust once, we've moved on, but ripple effect present. He understands that his fuck up made things worse and is compensating by considering my feelings more than is typically reasonable. I'm trusting him even when I want to run, hate feeling doubtful. But I have to in order to get past this.

He's agreed to let me go quietly if necessary. He will try and balance organic growth vs going too fast.

It's up to me to admit that its my issue and I might need to step away, but it's also up to him to be firm about meeting his needs and accepting if our needs do clash. He has to be strong enough to enforce me stepping away if I can't.

Last edited by london; 02-16-2014 at 09:03 AM.
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