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  #1  
Old 04-08-2010, 08:07 PM
faraday faraday is offline
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Default My ex

I dated my ex for two years back I high school. We broke up when I went to college but continued to sleep together for about four years when we were both single. He is a good friend and has met both of my partners and like them a lot. He is married and in a monogamous relationship. His wife actively dislikes me.

I donít blame her she is monogamous and Iím in love with her husband. And he is in love with me. It happens. My ex and I have a bad history of destroying each others relationships but this stopped when I started dating my boyfriend and came out to him as poly. I have been really respectful to his marriage and his wife. I donít see him much because he lives across the country. But recently I was near him and we spent the weekend hanging out with my girlfriend.

It was amazing and connective and wonderful. I had missed him more then I had realized. I didnít push for anything sexual (like I said this was a bad habit but neither of us have crossed that line since he started dating his wife almost 5 years ago) he thanked me for respecting his boundaries. He told me he was having a rough time (his wife is long distance as well)
We talked and laughed and had a great time. I asked him if we could see each other more than once a year. He was all for it. We did talk about sex, he told me that he was sacred I would push for sex because he wasnít sure if he would have said no. He told me that he thought someday we would be sexual again. He told me about his wife saying he could be more intimate with other people while he is on the road (he tours about six months a year) He told me he is still in love with me. I told him I still loved him. All the while talking about respecting relationships.

And we did touch a lot. He tours with a bunch of men and is starved for touch. It wasnít anything overtly sexual. We held hands and held each other. At one point I just touched him for awhile while we were talking. He got an erection so I stopped.

After he left I got a phone call from him telling me we couldnít talk for awhile. That his wife was really upset and he offered to not have contact with me, that it wasnít a forever thing. I was sad but okay with it. I want his relationship to be happy and healthy even if it means I canít be a part of his life even as a friend.

This is the part where I feel like Iím lying to myself. Because my ex and I are friends but the love and the sex is always between us and I donít think itís fair to his wife. But I do miss him and I hate not being able to talk to him after reconnecting.

Lately heís been calling my boyfriend to talk about stuff (they donít know each other to well but they do like each other) His hard time isnít getting easier or if it is it's happening very slowly. I want him to be happy. I want his marriage to work. And I want him in my life. I feel so selfish. And Iím trying not to buy into disliking his wife because she doesnít like me. Iím trying not to mentally blame her for his unhappiness. Iím trying to keep perspective.

Anyone have some words of wisdom?
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  #2  
Old 04-08-2010, 09:06 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I try to remember that every single person is doing the best that they can-with what they have in any given situation.

Her best may suck for you-but hating her won't make her best any better.

OFTEN times when we treat people with true loving kindness-it does help their best get better.

She hates you-why?
Does she KNOW you?

My husbands ex-wife has hated me for years.
Everyone thought it was because I'm the new wife.

It's because she felt like I was a better mother to her son than she could ever be.

I WAS and AM a better mother to our son than she has ever BEEN-but she CAN improve.

Tomorrow she goes in to rehab (again). No one will have anything to do with her, NO ONE.

Except me.

I have written her every few days-for 2 weeks. I spent Sunday on my knees praying for her at church. I told her I'd keep her in my thoughts and in my prayers, I have.

She wrote me today, "God bless you. No one else has ever shown they cared as much as you-and always through everthing I put you through-you've kept it up. I hope I can be that strong someday."

Maybe she will, maybe she won't.

But I can assure you she's a LOT easier to deal with like that then when she's violent and out of control.

MAYBE it's time for you to take the bull by the horns for your friend and stop trying to talk to him-talk to his wife.
Reassure her of your respect for HER position in his life. Show her that she does matter.
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Old 04-08-2010, 09:22 PM
faraday faraday is offline
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I have thought long and hard about contacting her. And I think if my ex and I where still communicating I would try it. I'm worried if I contact her now she will think it's just so she will say we can talk again.

My ex told me she's really disliked me from the first time we met. I sort of thought that was true but I wasn't sure. When my ex met my current partner before he left he hugged him and whispered "Take care of her". My partner and I both found it really touching. So when I first met his wife I did the same thing. And apparently since then she has hated me. She thought I was being possessive and controlling.

She doesn't know me. She doesn't live anywhere near me. We've interacted all of 3 or 4 times. And since the first time it hasn't been for more then like 10 or 15min at a time. And everything she knows about me is from her husband who hasn't known me well since I was 18 or 19. So I'm sure all the stories she has heard about me are not positive. I would love the chance to talk to her. To reach out in some way. But I'm frightened that she will take it the wrong way. Or that it will upset the work they are doing on there relationship. And I wouldn't want to contact her without talking to my friend first and right now that would be crossing a line that has been pretty clearly put out there.

I think I'm doing an okay job of not disliking her, of keep my heart open to her. She must be pretty amazing and I think if I could just meet her at an even place we would get along. But I don't know if that is the right choice right now.
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Old 04-08-2010, 09:38 PM
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vandalin vandalin is offline
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I have an ex-boyfriend (my pre marriage days) who I recently got back in touch with. There was nothing romantic, we were not interested in anything except being friends. We had been IM'ing and that is all. Unfortunately his wife doesn't like me very much, although you could say that if I hadn't broken up with him they would never have met. Other than my breaking his heart, she has no reason not to like me, especially after 7-8 odd years.

They have two different definitions of what is personal and private, his is much more lenient than hers and we would talk about things like sex, but not in the context of us having it. She had a fit. Now we can not talk...possibly ever again.

I was so upset and hurt that I wrote him an email and said a few things, without really thinking of how they would be taken, basically insulting him for not standing up for himself. A week later I wrote him an apology but I doubt I'll hear from him any time soon.

Yes, it sucks to have a friendship ripped away, especially in your case where it is more than platonic friendship. Even if she didn't already actively dislike you, you have one thing that she doesn't have with him, a past. Sometimes that is enough for some people to feel insecure and fearful.

I hope in time you and your ex can work with the wife to come to some kind of arrangement, whether as just friends or as more. Remember, it is not you, but her insecurities that is making this happen.
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  #5  
Old 04-08-2010, 10:49 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by faraday View Post
I have thought long and hard about contacting her. And I think if my ex and I where still communicating I would try it. I'm worried if I contact her now she will think it's just so she will say we can talk again.

My ex told me she's really disliked me from the first time we met. I sort of thought that was true but I wasn't sure. When my ex met my current partner before he left he hugged him and whispered "Take care of her". My partner and I both found it really touching. So when I first met his wife I did the same thing. And apparently since then she has hated me. She thought I was being possessive and controlling.

She doesn't know me. She doesn't live anywhere near me. We've interacted all of 3 or 4 times. And since the first time it hasn't been for more then like 10 or 15min at a time. And everything she knows about me is from her husband who hasn't known me well since I was 18 or 19. So I'm sure all the stories she has heard about me are not positive. I would love the chance to talk to her. To reach out in some way. But I'm frightened that she will take it the wrong way. Or that it will upset the work they are doing on there relationship. And I wouldn't want to contact her without talking to my friend first and right now that would be crossing a line that has been pretty clearly put out there.

I think I'm doing an okay job of not disliking her, of keep my heart open to her. She must be pretty amazing and I think if I could just meet her at an even place we would get along. But I don't know if that is the right choice right now.
So-here is my suggestion.
Whenever their anniversary comes around, send a card, addressed to THEM, put her name first (I know not miss manners appropriate but whatever).

In the card write a heartfelt message to them congratulating them on their anniversary.
Include a short note to her that you are so happy that your friend has found such a wonderful woman to love and cherish and care for, who also loves, cherishes and cares for him.

Nothing more-nothing less.

Then step back-might have to do that a few years. But it's worth a try.

IF you get a thank you, great. THEN make sure you know when her bday is-send her a REALLY nice card wishing her a great bday and expressing that you hope it's all she ever longed for.
If not-try again next year.

So often we take the "either or" response to things. Either I AM friendly with this person or I am NOT.
But trust and friendship grow with time and opportunity.

We CAN create opportunity even if the other person is scared shitless or we made a move that they interpreted badly at the beginning. It's just that we have to create that opportunity ALL THE MORE GENTLY.
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  #6  
Old 04-08-2010, 11:56 PM
faraday faraday is offline
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That is a great idea! Thank you so much! I will do that. Sometimes I feel silly for not seeing options that are right in front of me.
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  #7  
Old 04-09-2010, 12:03 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Don't worry-we ALL do that.

It's a lot easier to see the options in someone else's situation, because there is no personal emotion or stress clouding our vision!
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