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  #11  
Old 02-14-2014, 05:16 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is online now
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Originally Posted by nichtdaisy View Post
... Its so tempting to drop my needs and not do anything to further shake my primary's confidence in himself when he is feeling this down, but if I look back on the last six months, he is always down, always discouraged, and I already feel like I am treating him with kid gloves, which is making me a little resentful. But, I don't want to kick a man when he is down!...
I understand this urge...and would encourage you to (if you decide to go this route) put a time limit on this.

When MrS was devastated my "Jack-assery" mistake (you can read all about it in my blog if you like) combined with his depression and going off his meds...I gave myself (not him) a limit. If, in one year, he was still not OK and wanted to divorce me then I would let him go without a fight to find his own happiness - until then I was willing to shut down anything else and give our marriage everything I could. (We had been together almost two decades at that point - your time frame might be different)

Ultimately, if nothing changes and he is perennially miserable...?!
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


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  #12  
Old 02-14-2014, 06:45 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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What is it about lying that makes you feel gross?

If you're feeling guilty because you're keeping secrets, how does it benefit your partner to relieve your burden of guilt on him, making him carry the burden of your dalliances?

Another perspective... if you're feeling so gross about sneaking around, why is your first solution to tell your partner? What about ending the flirtations as a way to stop sneaking around?

I'm fortunate not to be the type of person who's burdened by guilt, I work more on a "will this harm or hurt another person?" mentality. If something is harmful to someone I love, I probably won't do it. If something is harmless, then I see it as privacy not secrecy. Working, of course, within the boundaries of mutual agreements of disclosure with anyone relevant.

In your case, it's the telling not the doing that will harm your partner, according to his own statement of preference. Perhaps your psyche is affected by the monogamous culture in which you were raised, where "having a romance with someone when your partner doesn't know about it" is cheating. But it's only cheating if your partner isn't given the opportunity to know. If they've been given disclosure and have requested non-disclosure, then it's not cheating.
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  #13  
Old 02-14-2014, 01:45 PM
scarletzinnia scarletzinnia is offline
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When he was processing his jealousy and discomfort with my proposition, and was coming to terms that he would have rather not known, he confessed that he has stepped out "a few times", but never told me because he took pains to make those affairs self-contained; jsut sex, once, and he drops contact with them. Somehow, this is ok in his book.

This struck me as awfully cold. I personally would never want to be with a guy who treats other women like this. I would be fairly certain that some or all of those sex partners didn't know that all contact would be cut off after one sexual encounter. Shuddering here. Are you sure he is the guy for you?
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  #14  
Old 02-14-2014, 02:17 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by scarletzinnia View Post
I would be fairly certain that some or all of those sex partners didn't know that all contact would be cut off after one sexual encounter.
How can you be "fairly certain" when you weren't there? There are plenty of women who just want to get laid, you know, and are perfectly okay with one-night stands. We're not always victims, nor hoping for a relationship to come out of a sexual hook-up.
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Last edited by nycindie; 02-14-2014 at 02:19 PM.
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  #15  
Old 02-14-2014, 02:37 PM
Amanita Amanita is offline
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The thing that troubled me more about that part was that he was keeping secrets about what he was doing, which conflicts with what Nichtdaisy seems to want to achieve, which is honesty. Also, the double-standard bothers me - that it's okay for him to do what he wants, but not for her (if I've understood this correctly). Or rather, perhaps, that he has trouble with her exploring polyamorous relationships, while he expects her to be okay with his explorations.

Aside from the honesty aspect, I think equality is an important thing - both partners should have the freedom to explore to the same extent as each other. Whether or not they take it up is their choice of course, and there may be differences in *how* they take it up, which warrants further discussion.

(Sorry to talk about you, rather than to you, Nichtdaisy!)

To go back to your question the other day:
Quote:
Has anyone here felt really stuck articulating what they want from their primary partner in terms of space and perimssion when their primary partner is struggling deeply with something else? Its so tempting to drop my needs and not do anything to further shake my primary's confidence in himself when he is feeling this down, but if I look back on the last six months, he is always down, always discouraged, and I already feel like I am treating him with kid gloves, which is making me a little resentful. But, I don't want to kick a man when he is down!
Life is, sadly, most inconvenient and often packages ALL the dramas up at the same time. For example, along with navigating our new polyamory journey, Astraeus and I are currently dealing with the fall-out from tension with his parents (going back years, but recently ramped up because of our choices w.r.t. exploring polyamory), and also extreme financial difficulties. It's exhausting, but we are trying our best to keep on top of all the issues because none of them can be feasibly put aside at the moment.

While I can understand your desire not to put more pressure on your guy because of the other things going on in his life, you should also take a look at whether you really can put aside your own desires for the time being - you may find that doing so eventually introduces more tension between you due to your frustration. Again, good communication about your respective wishes and needs should help here.

Coincidentally, while looking for something else on the forum I found this article linked: How to Make It Work - Tools for Healthy Polyamorous Relationships. These guidelines seem to be a very sensible approach, IMO. Maybe they are a good springboard for further discussion.

Hope your coffee date went well yesterday (? not sure, re: timezones). All the best with working things out!

Amanita
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  #16  
Old 02-14-2014, 04:47 PM
london london is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
How can you be "fairly certain" when you weren't there? There are plenty of women who just want to get laid, you know, and are perfectly okay with one-night stands. We're not always victims, nor hoping for a relationship to come out of a sexual hook-up.
Thanks. I hate when people project their sex negative views and .stereotypes onto all women.
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  #17  
Old 02-14-2014, 04:53 PM
london london is offline
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It isn't dishonest to respect your partner's boundaries in regards to sharing. It's inconsiderate to decide what you want to share and force someone to listen.
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  #18  
Old 02-15-2014, 06:05 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by scarletzinnia View Post
I personally would never want to be with a guy who treats other women like this.
Then you're probably not the type of person to hook-up with someone with no prior relationship established.

Quote:
I would be fairly certain that some or all of those sex partners didn't know that all contact would be cut off after one sexual encounter.
Then it's their responsibility to ask before spreading their legs. Anyone who has sex with someone outside of an established relationship is pretty much setting themselves up for a one night stand.

Seriously, who goes home with someone from the bar and expects it to be the first step in a long term relationship? If it grows that way then bonus, but it's hardly status quo.

Gralson is a wonderfully loving, supportive, committed romantic partner. He's not polyamorous ("One relationship is more than enough work, thank you very much.") but he enjoys casual sex. That doesn't make him a womanizer. It makes him someone who knows what he wants. What's wrong with that?
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  #19  
Old 02-15-2014, 06:52 AM
Amanita Amanita is offline
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Originally Posted by london View Post
It isn't dishonest to respect your partner's boundaries in regards to sharing. It's inconsiderate to decide what you want to share and force someone to listen.
I agree, as long as both partners have a good idea where the boundary lies between discretion and dishonesty, not only for themselves but for each other (to avoid inadvertent stepping on of toes).
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  #20  
Old 02-15-2014, 06:41 PM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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This whole story is raising a bunch of red flags for me. How are your relationship issues going to end up impacting other outside partners. The other people who you are going to be getting involved with are also full, human people with needs and feelings as well. One night stands with a DADT are probably fine. If you are looking at anything ongoing though feelings have a way of developing and if you don't have all your shit together in established relationships the shit can hit the fan in an epic way. Figure out how to communicate openly and honestly with each other before adding more people. (Your more people will appreciate it).
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