definition of Poly?

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by Mark1npt

Following your heart is the best advice you can give,

Break through!! Thanks Mark Now let me explain.

There is three parts to this equation for me; family and community, and priority.

a) How do you interact with your community? Is it based on following your heart or is it based on the community’s expectations in order to feel accepted.

b) How do you build your family? Is it by following your heart or shaped by the expectations of the community you want to be a part of.

c) If there is a conflict between family and community which inevitably will take priority if you follow your heart. Which will be sustainable and fulfilling.

If you follow your heart and find joy in life to it's fullest than I feel you have been true to yourself and everyone around you. This is not a question of right or wrong, but of what is right for each individual...there is no bad in that, no loss, just acceptance and self-awareness!

WOW! I find this topic very exciting although probably still off topic...Sorry Redpepper, can you forgive me

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by Derbylicious

I'm hoping that this doesn't sound like an attack on anyone. It's just my thoughts after reading the last 4 pages.

No attack at all Derby! Labels can be limiting and also at times lead to misunderstanding based on the definition by each person. Great thoughts

Take Care

[ImaginaryIllusion]

Ok...back to finishing my thoughts,

Originally Posted by redpepper

I find it interesting your views on our poly meetings mono.... I find that they really are following a group mentality. we have some strong players in that group,

Yes. Yes we do...and they are very vocal and take a lot of air time during discussions. But just because someone's loud, doesn't mean they're right...or that there isn't other views. When it's the only view being expressed, others who agree will feel more comfortable about speaking up in agreement. They also claim some experience in poly so I think some newer people in the community will tend to defer to them.
That doesn't mean there aren't other opinions...they're just probably held by those who aren't as vocal at the meetings.

Originally Posted by redpepper

I wonder if she has ever experienced the all consuming nature of really being in love. I certainly have with mono to the point where the thought of being intimate with anyone else seems shocking and unnatural. even with my husband... never mind any of my other intimate friends. Her opinion has definitely influenced our group!

She may...she may not. She's also young and has time. There's plenty of people who experience love and relationships in different ways...and it doesn't matter if we're talking about poly or mono circles.
Some people fall hard, fast, and repeatedly with different people all the time...dumping the current whenever they start getting too comfortable. Similar thing with NRE junkies. Some people prefer the slow burning match...some it depends on the circumstance and the people involved. As I think came up in discussion, it can also depend on age, or more importantly, the stage of one's life that they're in. That is very apparent when watching friends who are cronic NRE junkies, serial monogamists, and flash in the pan types who later in life decide to settle down for long term commitment...and many of them seem to have a hard time adjusting to the change. It's not what they're used to.
I guess the overall point of this is...my love, isn't going to be the same as your love. And it doesn't need to be.

Originally Posted by redpepper

I think the group is going through a romance really. We all met about six months ago and kind of dated and got to know each other... now we are going through a bit of a stage where we are on the verge of branching off our attentions to individuals... I'm sure some dates have come out of it and I know some friendships have (with the possibilities of more to follow maybe?).

I'm hoping the group NRE doesn't wear off too soon....we just got there!

Originally Posted by redpepper

I wonder too if being involved has changed our path? I don't think so but.... really, when it is just us three we do a lot better sometimes... things run more smoothly. But then again there is that dratty thing called "wanting to fit in." I want community and I want to fit in.... I am hoping to find that in our group. Not necessarily with the whole group, but with new friends made from the group....

Community kind of requires involvement, or it ceases to be a community. The upshot of that particular community is that it's small enough that you don't need to fit into it...because the other option is to mold it to fit you. Yes, there's strong personalities with their own very vocal views there. That simply may mean that those of us with a slightly different take on things will have to make sure to share our view as well. It's shouldn't be about group think...especially since as you say, the always-on-free-love life of the 60's is not for everyone....(I'd actually be interested to see if that attitude is as prevalent in other cities, or if it's a side effect of this particular city's old 60's burnout population) If you have your poly way, you should be able to share it as well. Once other voices are heard...you may find that you're not as alone in your thoughts as you might think.

I'm sincerely hoping that the group doesn't start breaking up and going it's seperate ways...since that would defeat the purpose of the community. I expect some people will come and go, as they move past the 101 stage. But overall, I'd much prefer the community to stay large, vibrant, and accepting so that others can find the information they're looking for when they decide it's time to look into Poly. It took years for the group to come along...and months before we could attend. I'd hate to think others should miss out on entirely.

My Poly, isn't going to be the same as your Poly. And it doesn't need to be.
But we better be able to talk about it...

[Mark1npt]

Nothing wrong with it Licious....sort of like following your heart......

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion

My Poly, isn't going to be the same as your Poly. And it doesn't need to be.
But we better be able to talk about it...

Beautifully put my friend!

Although there is another option; staying on the outside and focussing on what is real and healthy for each individual during the moment. I don't necessarily think this requires community involvement especially if it will affect the love you have for someone. Family involvement is another thing for sure. I just see family as a much smaller scale thing with much bigger long term impact.

I personally feel like a community of one in many ways although there is no loneliness in this. I understand it places limits on those that chose this path and I am not saying I am choosing this, but rarely do we get everything we want. Again it is about following your heart for sure.
I’ll be around to talk. I just might not actually talk!

Take care my friend.

[Mark1npt]

Bottom line is we all have to live and do what works for us, and as others have said there is no right, no wrong. Regardless of our definition of poly, we all realize that love is the key ingredient in our lives. No recipe can survive without it.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by Mark1npt

love is the key ingredient in our lives. No recipe can survive without it.

And I have unlimited love for Redpepper and her family..Just a matter of seeing how the ingredients end up mixing

[MonoVCPHG]

After I suffered a minor melt down, Redpepper and I had a nice long and at first heated conversation about my issues with community involvement.
The solution was in defining what our poly meant. We both want the same thing but I was incapable of seeing any future because I couldn't communicate my own needs to give myself to it. I felt selfish in voicing what I wanted to determine how our future would look. A future that involved security within the poly community.

We now know what our poly is and are flourishing, in love, and so excited to be on track. ...what a huge gift she is to me

[ImaginaryIllusion]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

The solution was in defining what our poly meant. We both want the same thing but I was incapable of seeing any future because I couldn't communicate my own needs to give myself to it. I felt selfish in voicing what I wanted to determine how our future would look. A future that involved security within the poly community.

I'm not sure if it's part of social conditioning of males, or perhaps the monogmous scripts, but I think I came across a similar difficulty in communications, and feelings of selfishness in asking for things which would conventionally be regarded as wrong. My wife and I are usually really good at communication, but in this case it took a lot more effort to push the conversation outside the normal comfort zone...but sometimes I guess that's where it needs to go.

WRT the poly community, I'm wondering what you mean by security ...

Anyways, it sounds like things are working for you...which is fantastic. It sounds like you were able to find a common frame of reference to build a shared vision of what you want. It's almost like some threads on this board are producing tangible benefits.

(btw...did anyone else see Mono refer to poly in the possessive?)

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion

but I think I came across a similar difficulty in communications, and feelings of selfishness in asking for things which would conventionally be regarded as wrong.
(btw...did anyone else see Mono refer to poly in the possessive?)

Just to be clear, I was not asking for anything that would be considered even remotely traditionally wrong LOL! I hope my statement wasn't taken as asking for anything that would go against my monogamous nature...I am hopelessly monogamous and very comfortable in that...I don't want to be anything else. I like being me.

Not to repeat myself, I fully identify Redpepper and my relationship as distinctly mono/poly. I am in a poly relationship though and therefore yes I referred to it as "our" poly...you got me

As far as what security within the community meant, Redpepper and me know what the basis for that is. That is something she can share if she chooses...I am just happy to be able to move on, forward, and towards a long loving and family filled future