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  #31  
Old 02-13-2014, 04:45 AM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is online now
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See and spending the night is something that is extremely important to me. I have 4 overnights available to me and 1 of them will be with my boyfriend at his house
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  #32  
Old 02-13-2014, 05:01 AM
seakinganswers seakinganswers is offline
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Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
What you want is fine. But you're asking your questions in a poly forum. In poly, this behavior is unacceptable (just as your lifestyle would be unacceptable to someone who was mono). Someone who identifies as poly would probably be looking for more than you could give. What you need is someone who already has a partner (or doesn't want one at the moment), is open, and is looking for some fun on the side. That's what you're offering. Telling them that the relationship between you and them is always going to mean less than your relationship with your wife. But they might not consider you that important either, and you can both use each other as you like. That's not a criticism; though I personally find that kind of relationship unfulfilling.

I''l warn you, though, that feelings cannot be controlled. What do you do if you "accidentally" fall in love with the woman? Toss her aside because your wife might be a "nervous wreck"?
I'm sorry. In probably being really stone headed at this point and maybe it's because I don't have any experience yet but a few things I just don't understand. If being poly means committing the rest of my life to multiple people than I am NOT poly. The last thing I want is more commitments. I very much separate the terms love and commitment. I can love the hell out of someone without committing the rest of my life to being with someone. I can always happily committ to loving someone forever because I've never loved a person and then stopped. Even if they have really wronged me. But if I'm a married person in a poly relationship and things are not going well with the girlfriend then its got to be easier to break up with a girlfriend than a wife. A girlfriend would likely have an easier time breaking things off with me if she got a great job offer somewhere else and didn't want a long distance relationship. A wife couldn't do that.

So in that sense the commitments would be different would they not? And that doesn't make you love one person any less than the other. It just means one relationship is in a different place than another. I also wouldn't say the girlfriend is nothing more than a casual fling or cheap sex just because there is no long term commitment to each other. I think you can have a very deep love for a person and at the same time be willing to lose that person if circumstances ever changed. In particular if you thought the other person was perusing something else that made him or her even happier.

I think it's awesome how committed you are to everyone involved. I guess I just don't see why it's necessary to consider a relationship poly or to say that you truly love each other.
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  #33  
Old 02-13-2014, 05:55 AM
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Originally Posted by seakinganswers View Post
But if I'm a married person in a poly relationship and things are not going well with the girlfriend then its got to be easier to break up with a girlfriend than a wife.
No one said commitment in a relationship means it has to last a lifetime. Legal marriage can't guarantee that and neither can polyamory. If you commit to honesty in your relationships, then of course you would be committed to speaking up when things go bad. If you are in a problematic relationship, whether it's a spouse or a lover, and feel it must end because the problems cannot be resolved, then end it. It doesn't make sense that you break up with someone just because it's easier than breaking up with somebody else. In simple terms, you ask yourself, "Is it still a fit or not? No? Okay, goodbye."

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A girlfriend would likely have an easier time breaking things off with me if she got a great job offer somewhere else and didn't want a long distance relationship. A wife couldn't do that.
Why not? If a married woman got a job offer far away and wanted to go, but her partner didn't want to move, she'd still have the same choices a single person would: decline it and stay or accept it and move. How that gets worked out logistically would be up to the two people involved and how they see ways to get their needs met. Furthermore, haven't you ever met anyone who lives apart from their partner for work reasons? It's not that uncommon. There have been more than a few married people here who live in different cities than their spouses - hell, even different countries.

Whether in a poly or mono situation, I think it's important to always question how we've been conditioned in our culture about what is proper and expected in relationships. It is also important to look at and share how one defines certain common words such as commitment, love, partnership, serious, casual, poly, open, fwb, etc., because they really do mean different things to different people.
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 02-13-2014 at 06:01 AM.
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  #34  
Old 02-13-2014, 05:57 AM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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The last thing I want is more commitments. I very much separate the terms love and commitment. I can love the hell out of someone without committing the rest of my life to being with someone.
There definitely seems to be a split between the "free love" and "commitment" poly camps. To me, if you have no interest in committing, as deeply as a marriage would be, I have no interest in anything lasting more than a few months. Not worth my time. And telling me you love me means very little to me. Showing it counts. And part of showing it, in my mind, means I am not discarded just because your other partner has issues with your having feelings for me, or making time for me, or whatever. I want to feel security in the relationship, independent of your relationship with another.

Otherwise, it's not poly; it's open.

I hope that makes sense.
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  #35  
Old 02-13-2014, 07:02 AM
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You can absolutely say that you cannot share practical entanglements with anyone else.

Keeping relationships separate does mean less time all round.

Stopping a spouse from being poly by preventing them from having the space to form relationships with others is a cunt move.
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  #36  
Old 02-13-2014, 01:33 PM
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You can absolutely say that you cannot share practical entanglements with anyone else.

Keeping relationships separate does mean less time all round.

Stopping a spouse from being poly by preventing them from having the space to form relationships with others is a cunt move.
That would be my ex. Not only did he have a one penis policy but he only wanted a closed triad ( for me, he could have a gf of his own) making it virtually impossible for me to have a relationship at all :/
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  #37  
Old 02-13-2014, 01:54 PM
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Originally Posted by seakinganswers View Post
I'm sorry. In probably being really stone headed at this point and maybe it's because I don't have any experience yet but a few things I just don't understand. If being poly means committing the rest of my life to multiple people than I am NOT poly. The last thing I want is more commitments. I very much separate the terms love and commitment. I can love the hell out of someone without committing the rest of my life to being with someone. I can always happily committ to loving someone forever because I've never loved a person and then stopped. Even if they have really wronged me. But if I'm a married person in a poly relationship and things are not going well with the girlfriend then its got to be easier to break up with a girlfriend than a wife. A girlfriend would likely have an easier time breaking things off with me if she got a great job offer somewhere else and didn't want a long distance relationship. A wife couldn't do that.

So in that sense the commitments would be different would they not? And that doesn't make you love one person any less than the other. It just means one relationship is in a different place than another. I also wouldn't say the girlfriend is nothing more than a casual fling or cheap sex just because there is no long term commitment to each other. I think you can have a very deep love for a person and at the same time be willing to lose that person if circumstances ever changed. In particular if you thought the other person was perusing something else that made him or her even happier.

I think it's awesome how committed you are to everyone involved. I guess I just don't see why it's necessary to consider a relationship poly or to say that you truly love each other.
I am not saying it is impossible to find a woman who would appreciate what you what you want to offer, but it's unlikely. Nobody wants to become emotionally entangled only to have the relationship ripped away because it is no longer convenient. I inadvertently found myself in that situation (I was told one thing, but the rules changed). Quite frankly, it was one of the most painful things I have ever endured.

And while you might tell yourself that if all parties agree going in, it would work. Unfortunately, your feelings may have other plans.
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  #38  
Old 02-13-2014, 02:22 PM
seakinganswers seakinganswers is offline
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I will never admit to being the type of guy who would easily be able to find what I'm looking for in relationships. lol

But I will say if a potential mate talked the way some of y'all do about relationship expectations I'd slowly back away and run for the door. I understand that makes me sound selfish but it could be argued that's its selfish to expect so many commitments from your lover too.

When I love somebody I cherish the time we spend together. I see every moment together as a gift from God, but if I ever thought she would be happier in a different situation then I'd kick her out the door if I had to. Because I love her enough to lose her or risk losing her if it means she is happier. And I would be attracted to someone else who felt the same way. In other words I'd be more attracted to a free spirit who takes life a moment at a time, and realizes that not every relationship has to be leading towards a lifelong commitment to be valuable.

If you're someone that gets completely torn apart and has a hard time getting over losing someone though then this type of relationship would probably not interest you at all.
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  #39  
Old 02-13-2014, 02:31 PM
seakinganswers seakinganswers is offline
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I once told my wife she should leave me. I said, "I can deal with not being happy the rest of my life. But there are two things I can't deal with...

1. Not being myself. I'm gonna be who I am 100% from this point forward.
2. You not being happy.

So if you aren't happy with who I am then I give you full permission to leave me. Think long and hard about whether you can be happy bring married to me. If the answer is no, then I won't hold it against you, no, I want you to leave me, because I won't be the source of your unhappiness."
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  #40  
Old 02-13-2014, 02:35 PM
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Where are you getting your ideas? I don't think you are really comprehending what people are saying here. Have you actually read any of my posts in this thread? Did you read LovingRadiance's post where she explains different kinds of commitments she and her partners have?

There is no rule that poly has to be all about lifetime commitments. There are a myriad number of ways to practice polyamory. Some people like to keep all their relationships separate and remain independent, some like having a poly tribe and live communally; Some have rules, some eschew any form of rule in love relationships; some are relationship anarchists, some try to make their poly situations look as close to the storybook ideal as possible.

Polyamory is the ability, desire, or practice of loving more than one person, with the consent of all involved. That's it. However, love is simply not enough to make any relationship work and be fulfilling, so some love relationships dont last a lifetime - but of course that can be said about monogamy, too.

If you are already in a committed partnership and just want sex with someone else on the side now and then, and not have to worry about hurting anyone's feelings, that's something different. That's called an open relationship, or is often found in swinging. But it isn't poly.

Probably what most people who are living polyamorously have in common is a willingness to look at and challenge societal expectations and to create the right kinds of relationships that work for them.
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 02-13-2014 at 02:37 PM.
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