The story of our relationship
I've been wanting to write about our relationship for the purpose of keeping record of how things progress.
T (wife) and D (husband) have been together (married) for 5 years. They have always been interested in Poly, but have never practiced it. I am very interested in Poly as well and have a little experience where it is concerned. I have been in a polyfidelity triad with two women. The relationship lasted for about a year and a half.
I met T and D at a local Poly Meetup group meeting. They seemed great and I had an instant attraction to T. She's gorgeous and honestly, I thought she was out of my league.
We met up at the next Poly meet up and decided to go out as a group to a local club and have a few drinks and talk. I really hit it off with them both. (I am straight, D is straight) We had a great time and by the end of the night I had asked D if it was OK to pursue something more with T. D gave me his blessing and I was so happy. T and I talked and discussed the possibility of going out on a date in the near future.
Before we went on our first date, T and D invited me to their house to talk about where we all stood on things. (See other post here to get a feel for what took place at that visit to their house)
One of the things I found out after this meeting is that because T and I spent some time alone in a room at their house (door was shut/locked for privacy -- nothing was going on) that T's daughter felt very awkward about the situation as she had just learned a few hours before my arrival of her parents' decision to live Poly and that her mom was going to start dating me. It really upset her (which was SOOO not the intention).
T and I both made a bad choice by staying in the house to have a little bit of alone time. In hindsight, we should have gone out of the house and had some coffee or something so that things weren't overwhelming for her daughter.
This situation really upset D (as well as T and myself), so D asked me to meet him alone for a few drinks so we could discuss a few issues that he had concerning my relationship with T.
We met at a local pub and had a very intense conversation. I felt as though he was sill trying to strongly discourage my relationship with T and using the mistake of making their daughter feel uncomfortable as a prime example. Things got very heated and unfriendly. We ended the evening and I felt like I had been attacked. I was very worried about the future of the relationship with T.
D told me that T was using poor judgment since beginning to see me, I was using poor judgment, that T wasn't "as into me" as I was into her, that he thought that I was not a "good candidate" for a relationship with T in their Poly lifestyle, etc. (But at the end of the night, D invited me to go out with him and some other people to have some fun on another night later the same week)
T and I still went on our first date and had an amazing time. T told me that she was really enjoying spending time with me and that D had been acting very out of character from what the "norm" was in their relationship. T & D have a "no veto power" rule in their relationship and I was told that I need not worry about it. T expressed to me that she thought it was best that D and myself stay separate for a while until things smooth over.
I agreed with T that I probably should not be around D for the time being and that I was still very interested in pursuing a relationship with her (she was scared that D would push me away with his passive/aggressive hostility).
A few days after the meeting, D was very remorseful regarding the way things had ended the night that we met for drinks. He sent T an e-mail apology that he wanted her to give me. I feel his apology is very sincere and I believe that things are beginning to smooth out. D had been going though a lot of other stresses (outside of my relationship with T) and that he believed that his behavior was more related to that than it was about our situation. I truly appreciated this gesture by D and I'm glad things are moving back in the right direction. Even T & D's daughter is beginning to come around to the concept and has stated that she would like to give me another chance to meet her, which is great! D again asked me to go out with him and some others socially, which I passed up on mainly due to work issues, but there was still a part of me that was stuck on the interaction we had previously. My hope is that given a little more time, D and I would become good friends. I never wanted to be an issue for T & D, nor do I want to be "tolerated" as a partner. I want to be appreciated and respected.
My daughter is 17 and I have a very close, honest relationship with her. She knows my decision to live life poly and while that would not be a choice she makes for herself, she is respectful of my decision and knows that T is married. She met T and loves her to death. She still hasn't quite wrapped her mind around the entire situation as of yet, but it's progressing. (Which is a huge relief for me to hear)
I want T and D's daughter to have that same opportunity. I think that I could have a great relationship with her as well and I hope that chance comes in the future.
T came over to my house the other day to spend the day just talking and hanging out with me. We had an amazing time together, and we talked about what we would want out of this relationship. T, D and I all believe in not "labeling" things such as Primary/Secondary relationships. In our (T & my own) opinion, labeling a relationship as secondary comes with a connotation that the relationship is less important than a primary, which is soooo not always the case. Sometimes, in a poly relationship, you can be emotionally closer to the secondary or at least equally as close as the primary relationship.
We all agree to practice polyfidelity in our lives. While I have no other partners and D has no other partners, we are open to the addition of 1 partner for D and 1 for myself. Ultimately, it would be absolutely AMAZING if we found a single woman who was interested in being with D, T and I all emotionally (and physically) intimately. But, reality states that it is PROBABLY not going to happen that way. We do believe that we should always be open about finding another partner and that any potential partner should at least meet with the others to make sure it's a good fit for all of us. (Kind of committee type dating) -- BUT, the ultimate decision is that of the person that is wanting to add the partner. There are no veto powers.
T believes that at some point down the road (as long as things continue to progress as amazingly as they have) that she would like to view me as an "additional husband". I envision this as well. I think that once we are settled into a very solid and healthy relationship that involves everyone in our lives that there is a possibility of a commitment ceremony to celebrate our relationship. (This is still quite a ways away, but I do think it is possible)
I'm still looking for another partner, but don't feel like I have to rush things. T is eager for me to find someone that I connect with romantically and that she can connect with (at least on a friendship level). D also states that he is open to meeting someone, but is not actively looking because he doesn't feel the "need" to find someone.
Anyhow, this is just the beginning. I hope to share more of the inner workings of this relationship as it progresses and I hope that by the end of it, it would be an amazing success story of how we made things work. I think that the number one thing we have to always do is keep the lines of communication open in a healthy, adult-like manner. As long as we are capable of that, it could/should work out great!
Thanks for being a sounding board (especially Galagirl, who always has amazing advice)! I'm certainly open to any questions/comments about our situation and I will write more as we grow in our relationship and experience levels with poly.