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  #31  
Old 02-12-2014, 09:27 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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Stress consumes me. It makes me physically ill, short-tempered, and generally unable to function until I have my life under control.

I need a break from thinking about a year from now, five years from now, retirement, etc. I need to figure out the next month, sleep for about a week, then maybe my brain can start thinking about what I want long term again. Maybe.

Boy is asking more of me time-wise which surprises me in a not altogether unwelcome way. He is being so much more open about his feelings than he used to be, and he's been so supportive and a great sounding board for my life lately. Neither of us are ready for a real romantic relationship, and I am hoping that the great connection that we've built doesn't lessen when one (or both) of us starts dating seriously again.
Lady has threatened/discussed not dating Hubby for the time being because of my inability to say exactly what I want my private/family life to be like in a year (or five years or a decade).
Yarn and I feel distant and weird. We haven't seen each other in far too long. I hate it, and I would really like life to settle so I can travel the 50 miles to see the family.
Radio is out of the picture. I thought he was going to be a good friend/potential FWB, but he really is one of the most self-centered people I've ever met.
Still talking to a few people from OKC, so we'll see how that goes. I'm kind of tired of unsolicited sexual comments/innuendo/information and may just become antisocial for a while.

Work sucks. I need to find a new job.
My apartment sucks. I need to find a new place to live.

My hubby is awesome. I think I'll keep him.
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  #32  
Old 02-12-2014, 02:38 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AlwaysGrowing View Post
Stress consumes me. It makes me physically ill, short-tempered, and generally unable to function until I have my life under control.

....

My hubby is awesome. I think I'll keep him.
Hear, hear!
I know this feeling.
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (23+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (4+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi married female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #33  
Old 02-15-2014, 08:08 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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Well, I've checked one thing of the list - Hubby and I found a rental house we both actually like, and we were actually able to submit applications together and get it! Woohoo! Now the packing begins, which I absolutely despise but have been oddly motivated to get done.

I've gone through all my clothes and gotten rid of a mini-mountain of things that didn't fit or just don't get worn often enough to make them worth keeping around. I had a friend come over and try on a few things that she liked, so they already found a good home, but I will need to donate the rest next time I'm out.

I've been baking and cooking up a storm to get rid of some of the random food stuffs we had around. Boy has taken home a pan of brownies, some cookies, and a bunch of leftovers dished into single servings for his lunch all week. I warned him that I'm going to be all cooked out, and he's going to have to cook for me a few times after all this.

No Valentine's plans for me although I did have a guy ask me to go out tonight; I don't really believe in it. If you love someone, show/tell them every single day, not just some random holiday. I thought it was weird that someone wanted to go out on a first date (we've met briefly, but this would have been the first official date) on Valentine's Day. Isn't that kind of weird? Hubby and I ran some errands before he went to work, and Boy stopped by to pick up some things he forgot here the other day. Yarn sent me some ridiculous, pervy V-day cards via text. Cracked me up all day.

I've had Pandora on most of the day while piddling around the house. It amazes me how much music can affect my mood! Something peppy and I'm smiling, dancing, and having a great time then something comes on that reminds me of Doomed or is just generally sad, and I'm bawling. It's fantastic and horrifying at the same time.

Now I think I will take a relaxing shower and be lazy for a bit before going to bed. Sweet dreams, world.
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  #34  
Old 02-18-2014, 07:06 PM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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Well, it's official. Hubby and Lady are "just friends" again. He has been less sad about it than I expected, probably because it was ultimately his choice. She and I both offered up suggestions on how to tweak things to make it more doable with our crazy lives, but he decided it wasn't fair to anyone or anything (meaning his schooling) to continue at this time. They're leaving the door open for a future do-over, but unless I somehow manage to get my dream of the future to match their dream of the future, it probably won't happen. Apparently they don't feel like they are capable of anything less than a fully integrated, life-sharing, potentially baby-making, cohabiting relationship being the "goal."

Work has been insane. People getting fired, injured, or being away for some other reason. I'm working over 50 hours this week. Add in moving and I am exhausted, but I think we'll manage it. At least the big paycheck coming my way in a couple of weeks has helped me justify paying movers to do the big stuff and whatever I can have packed and ready by the weekend.

Hubby has decided he'd like to go to a swing club again. We haven't been since... New year's 2013? I went a couple of times over the year with someone else (no sex with others, just the person I was there with), but he didn't. Boy also wants to go sometime (alone or with me or with someone I set him up with, he doesn't care... lol), and hubby thinks it'd be fun to get him to go on a night we're planning to go, too. We've had a couple of threesomes before, and I think going on a kink night or something like that would be really interesting. Hopefully I can make it happen.

I suppose I should get a little bit done before heading to work later. One of these days I WILL get all the sleep I am missing out on this month!
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  #35  
Old 03-06-2014, 11:17 PM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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Finally feeling rested and relaxed after a month of craziness.

Lady and I are hanging out tonight. I think Hubby has pretty much let go of the idea of being with her in the future (at least in the way he wanted to be), however I know she still has that goal in mind. We'll see if my feelings about it change as I get to know her more without the pressure of my reservations being the only thing holding them back.

I've been talking to someone from OKC for what feels like forever. A couple of months. Every time we make plans to actually meet, one of us ends up working or being sick or something. We're very friendly still, and I think if we ever actually do hang out we could be great friends, but I think I'm tired of neither of us making it a priority. Obviously something is lacking if we can't turn down work and stuff.

Going to my first roller derby bout today! Super excited. That's about all I have going on. haha
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  #36  
Old 03-12-2014, 07:41 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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Roller derby was amazing. It was a bit uneven of a match, so I'm eager to return for some better competition.

I'm sickly and working too much, as usual (well, I'm not usually sickly :P ).

Boy is getting on my nerves. All needy one day then aloof the next. Much the same pattern as when we were in a relationship. He had guests last week and barely spoke to me the entire time, then as soon as they're gone he's texting asking if I have any time for him, that he wants to see me, etc. etc.

The two friends I feel the closest to (Yarn and a friend from childhood who actually knows relatively little about my personal life) talk to me daily. We're in near constant contact with silly little things or the mundane (Hubby and I are as well). It would be way too much for many, but we enjoy it and I have found that that is pretty much what I need to really continue caring about the ins and outs of someone else's life. Boy knows this, yet he continues to push for super closeness at times and then just want to disappear at others. It doesn't work for me, and just makes me irritated at him for the lack of stability in expectation.

Lady and I had a lovely time the other day and have been chatting quite a bit this week about nothing in particular. Probably going to a group thing at which she and her partner-ish people will be this weekend, so it will be interesting to see how she and hubby behave towards each other these days.

Have I mentioned I'm working too much?

As I expected, OKC guy bailed for work. I've given up on ever meeting him. If neither of us can set aside an hour or two and actually commit to it... We're obviously not that excited about whatever friendship or relationship could come of meeting IRL. I'll continue to enjoy our electronic interactions.
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  #37  
Old 03-14-2014, 06:36 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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Still not a day off in sight. Boy is coming over tomorrow when I get off (sushi and cuddles, yay!).

Part of me is really wanting to put myself out there and meet someone(s), but I'm ultimately happy how things are right now. Hubby and I are spending good amounts of intentional, quality time together. I get alone time which I have learned to enjoy and use to relax and just be myself doing whatever silly thing strikes my fancy. I'm kind of limited transportation-wise so... I think I'll just stay the course for another month or so and see where I'm at!
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  #38  
Old 03-26-2014, 07:45 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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Feeling rested and much more optimistic about life these days. Still getting overtime, but not to the extreme.

I went to a poly event last week. Came home feeling glad to have caught up with some familiar people and excited to have exchanged numbers with a new guy. Totally not my relationship-type, but he seemed fun and a good potential friend/FWB. We've been chatting off and on since, but he has made a couple of statements that have really turned me off of the idea of going out with him one-on-one. Assuming that we would have sex being one of those things. Blech.

Hubby and I are having a party this weekend! Something we've never done, and about a dozen of our friends will be here for it. Some coworkers, Lady, Boy, Yarn, and more. It should be interesting when our coworkers realize what kind of friends we have. haha Boy is excited that I told him he doesn't have to watch his behaviour at all. Which means ass grabbing and random kisses will happen if we're truly being ourselves. Yarn will judge me. Hubby will laugh (he things Boy and I are couple-y and just denying our true relationship to one another lol). It'll be a fun night.

Looking forward to a fun week, even though I'm going to have to cancel a date which I HATE doing. Just because I'm poly, am open about the fact that I fuck multiple people, and agreed to go out with you does NOT mean I'm going to fuck you! Why must people assume?!
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  #39  
Old 03-28-2014, 12:15 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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I had a dream about Doomed the other night. I woke up feeling pretty icky because of it, then it fled my mind. It just came back to me.

My coworkers and I were attending a banquet for some reason. I don't recall what it was for. I had initially not been planning to go, but at the last minute I'd decided to attend. Another ex-coworker had RSVP'd then gotten fired so I took her spot. When I walked in, I glanced around for my work's table. I spotted it and started to make my way there (it was on the far side of the room, kind of in the back). As I'm squeezing by people in the front, I passed by a table and BAM! There's Doomed. With her. He stood, said hello, and gave me an awkward hug that I didn't return. She just glared. I am panicked. I said to him "I don't want to see you, I don't want to..." I just trailed off. I felt like I was going to cry, so I walked away. Took my seat with my ex-coworker's name on the place card and move on.

Then the dinner portion and all is over. Some people brought instruments and formed a random band, playing all kinds of music. I went out to listen since a few of my friends were also randomly there and playing. Doomed shows up. Playing the instrument that he played for me on our second date. That he hadn't played in years before I encouraged him to pick it back up. I run out and plan to leave. Then, I heard them playing a song that always cracks me up. From my childhood. A randomly religious rap song that I still love to this day. I went back in to listen to it, and Boy appeared. Hubby was present, but floating around with friends. Boy saw I was upset. He came over and just gave me a huge hug and led me out. Doomed watched as we left together. I cried.

Then I woke up. Or moved on to another dream. Or whatever. It's weird. Having Boy be the rescuer. Having Doomed see us together when his main fear when we were dating was that I would fall back in love with Boy and no longer need/want/care about him.

I've never had this emotional of a time after ending a relationship. Then again, I've only loved 5 people in my life, one I'm still with, one I'm good friends with and no longer feel romantic toward, one that I knew wouldn't work out and accepted and moved on, and one that drifted away amicably. Then Doomed. Another one that I should have just accepted and moved on when I had the chance. Oops.
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  #40  
Old 04-03-2014, 04:56 PM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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Hubby was joking about how he couldn't see the difference between what Boy and I do and dating. Boy apparently agrees. So, we had to have a talk about how it's fine and dandy if he considers us "dating" or "in a relationship" or whatever, as long as he knows I have no expectations or needs of him. Neither of us have been in a space to consider the future, although I think I am getting more and more capable of figuring out what it is that I want from this point forward. I enjoy his company and that's that. Ever since, Boy has been ridiculously sweet, used a spare toothbrush I had then was all "I could just leave it here..." after saying he was going to take it home, and seemed really excited when I said that that is fine. His toothbrush, his choice.

Hubby and Lady are dating again - after I suggested an alternative to what they had been doing/thinking last time they tried it. I think it'll work out okay, for a while at least. Long enough to let us all figure out if it's feasible long-term, when life isn't as hectic. Keeping it casual for now with the intent to re-evaluate how the relationship dynamic will work once hubby is no longer a full-time student and hopefully has a job he is more satisfied in.

I have a first date tomorrow with a guy I've been talking to from OKC. He lives about an hour and a half away, has two girlfriends (doesn't cohabit with either and only has the occasional overnight), and... Yeah, that's about it. We read the same books, find similar things amusing, it could be the beginning of a good friendship and who knows what. We'll see how it goes IRL.

I am going to go clean my house now! It's pretty well clear of the mess made at the part, but it needs scrubbed!
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