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  #11  
Old 02-10-2014, 06:25 PM
seakinganswers seakinganswers is offline
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Thanks for the advice everybody. My wife would probably appreciate if I went out of my way to find a counselor and set something up.
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  #12  
Old 02-10-2014, 09:43 PM
bassman bassman is offline
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Originally Posted by seakinganswers View Post

I get the feeling my wife would want a Christian counselor. I would be opposed to that on multiple levels.
Lol, I'm opposed to anything Christian, but especially their awful advice on how to run your life !
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  #13  
Old 02-10-2014, 09:47 PM
bassman bassman is offline
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Your story sounds much like mine, but you still have something to work with. I asked for an outside relationship and got unceremoniously kicked out the house and divorced immediately. And yep, she's a church goer, believes she gets her reward in the after life.
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  #14  
Old 02-10-2014, 09:49 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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I could go on and on but I will jump to the point of my post. I have been married for 15 years. I love my wife, but we got married far too young and we both really pretended to be people we were not. Especially because we were stanch Christians and any ideas of the poly or swinging(I realize they are different but I would actually want both in a perfect world) lifestyle would have been sinful thoughts I shoved out if my mind. She had secrets of her own and we both had horrible communication skills.
This sounds very familiar . It was my husband that cheated. Your wife's reactions actually sound pretty normal to me, to someone who has not gained her trust back. I remember those feelings, and even years later, something small can bring back all those super intense feelings of betrayal (like being hit by a freight train). Unfortunately, many times the feelings are completely out of proportion to the actual incident. This will take time to heal and I'm talking years, not months and it may not even start until you guys can figure out how to repair the marriage.

When everything came to ahead for us, I was in the middle of my "I don't want anything to do with Christianity" stage, but I did consent to go to a Christian counselor because I knew I could get my husband to agree. We got lucky, because she actually worked on our issues, mainly communication and religion or faith really never came into it. Stay away from counseling by pastors or other church lay-persons, go with those with an actual degree and that are licensed to practice. If it will get her in the door to talk about how to improve your marriage, even someone who is not entirely poly friendly can help with some of the foundations.

Quote:
Thanks for the advice everybody. My wife would probably appreciate if I went out of my way to find a counselor and set something up.
If this is the case, get on the phone and do it! I waited until 20+ years of marriage and I was ready to file for divorce and now I wish I had done it many many years ago. It will NOT get fixed overnight, lets face it you have 15 years of resentments and horrible communication to overcome, it will take time.

There is a lot of good information under the Golden Nuggets section.
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  #15  
Old 02-11-2014, 12:07 AM
seakinganswers seakinganswers is offline
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Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
This sounds very familiar . It was my husband that cheated. Your wife's reactions actually sound pretty normal to me, to someone who has not gained her trust back. I remember those feelings, and even years later, something small can bring back all those super intense feelings of betrayal (like being hit by a freight train). Unfortunately, many times the feelings are completely out of proportion to the actual incident. This will take time to heal and I'm talking years, not months and it may not even start until you guys can figure out how to repair the marriage.

When everything came to ahead for us, I was in the middle of my "I don't want anything to do with Christianity" stage, but I did consent to go to a Christian counselor because I knew I could get my husband to agree. We got lucky, because she actually worked on our issues, mainly communication and religion or faith really never came into it. Stay away from counseling by pastors or other church lay-persons, go with those with an actual degree and that are licensed to practice. If it will get her in the door to talk about how to improve your marriage, even someone who is not entirely poly friendly can help with some of the foundations.



If this is the case, get on the phone and do it! I waited until 20+ years of marriage and I was ready to file for divorce and now I wish I had done it many many years ago. It will NOT get fixed overnight, lets face it you have 15 years of resentments and horrible communication to overcome, it will take time.

There is a lot of good information under the Golden Nuggets section.
I agree. We did actually try counseling 2 other times. Once she stopped going because she thought the counselor didn't understand her at all (even though I thought she was right on) lol The other time we moved and just didn't see a new one. But to be honest, I wasn't as self aware and confident about who i am and who i am not as I am now so it may not have done much good. As a couple we both need to learn to trust each other again. For different reasons. I need to trust that she won't turn into the completely controlling person that nags all day long and constantly tries to control everything around her with unrealistic expectations. And she needs to trust that I'm not going to lie to her again.

We get a little better each year. We have definitely learned how to fight now. We both love each other to death but we are very different people and I'm not just talking about the poly stuff. To be honest I'm not sure I would ever want to be poly with her. In some ways I may rather her just accept that I'm poly inclined and stay monogamous. Because all our differences would be played out to extremes if we both went poly. She would probably try to control every aspect of what was happening until she sucked all of the enjoyment out of it. I definitely have a much more laid back approach to life. I just don't sweat the small stuff.
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Old 02-11-2014, 12:36 AM
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We both love each other to death but we are very different people and I'm not just talking about the poly stuff. To be honest I'm not sure I would ever want to be poly with her. In some ways I may rather her just accept that I'm poly inclined and stay monogamous. Because all our differences would be played out to extremes if we both went poly. She would probably try to control every aspect of what was happening until she sucked all of the enjoyment out of it. I definitely have a much more laid back approach to life. I just don't sweat the small stuff.
LOL, this sounds like me and my husband. I'm more the control freak, he's more laid back. While I'd be ok with poly now, I wouldn't a few years ago, but that took alot of work on my part and changing how I viewed certain things. I know my husband is poly inclined (even if he's not ready to admit something so far removed from his Fundi Christian roots). I'm not sure we could survive the step into poly just yet either, beyond his non-sexual gf (or whatever they call their relationship).

Part of the control thing is fear of the unknown. Amazingly, even small bits of "extra" information helps. Like keeping each other informed to your schedule and texts when your going to be late, or there's a change, etc.
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  #17  
Old 02-11-2014, 05:36 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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As an aside, if money is an obstacle, you can sometimes find grad students who are fulfilling their practicum requirement and get counselling for free. Of course, they won't have the experience of someone who's been working for years and seen it all... but it's better than nothing, if nothing is all you can afford.
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  #18  
Old 02-11-2014, 12:37 PM
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Try reading the blog by bassman in our blog section. He tried for quite a while to be poly, coming from him and his wife being staunch Christians, but him "losing his faith" while his wife didn't.
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  #19  
Old 02-11-2014, 01:40 PM
seakinganswers seakinganswers is offline
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Try reading the blog by bassman in our blog section. He tried for quite a while to be poly, coming from him and his wife being staunch Christians, but him "losing his faith" while his wife didn't.
I personally have dealt with my faith issues. I am still a Christian, but in my opinion most Christians really don't understand their faith and stick to this doctrine that has more to do with societal norms than anything religious in nature. Anyone outside of those norms is a "sinner" and anyone inside them is not. Which causes many people to deny who they are because they think that's what God wants them to do, even though in many cases there is little to no scripture to back it up.

I actually have started a blog myself partially because I enjoy writing and partially because I want to tell my story in the hopes that it will open the minds of some Christians to less oppressive beliefs and such. I was the kid who group up thinking it was wrong to even look at another woman lustfully, so I punished myself over and over again and hid my "deviant" sexual nature from the world. It was not healthy, and it saddens me that other young men are probably being driven down the same paths. This is obviously only one small example of the oppressiveness I am talking about.
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  #20  
Old 02-11-2014, 01:42 PM
seakinganswers seakinganswers is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
As an aside, if money is an obstacle, you can sometimes find grad students who are fulfilling their practicum requirement and get counselling for free. Of course, they won't have the experience of someone who's been working for years and seen it all... but it's better than nothing, if nothing is all you can afford.
I think insurance would cover most of it once the deductible is met. We hit our whole deductible every year because we have an autistic child, so it may not cost that much.
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