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Old 04-08-2010, 05:34 PM
noob noob is offline
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 58
Default what if I'm just an asshole?

This is the question echoing in my head all day today.

I think there must be some kind of "coming out to yourself as poly" 5 stage process...and one of the stages is thinking you're just an incredible asshole

All through high school and college, I always, always had extra-relationship "affairs." I simply wasn't, apparently, capable of being "faithful" to one person. Curiosity or circumstance always got the better of me, even if I didn't go out "looking." In my marriage, I have stuck to monogamy, but it's easier when you're living with someone; I have a kid and a career and a house and no time.

The happiest I ever was in high school was when I had two boyfriends, but then I felt horrible when they wouldn't accept each other and I had to choose. I didn't want to choose; I wanted them both, but I had no model for that and truly believed that I had to choose.

Now that I've met someone (and am falling hard for him), I am trying to use a poly model to break out of that "you have to choose" monogamy ideology, which has only ever served to make me miserable, and I'm being as honest as I can with my husband and my OSO...

But in some ways, I feel like I'm back in HS. The self-doubting part of me says I'm just trying to have my cake and eat it too, I'm being selfish, I'm a bad person, etc., etc.

Do you think that my past is somehow "proof" or evidence that I am poly-oriented? Stupid question, right? I don't know...I feel like I am doing something wrong, even though I am happy. Someone more experienced than me, please help
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