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  #21  
Old 02-08-2014, 10:33 PM
JacksonCage JacksonCage is offline
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Originally Posted by WhatNow View Post
I am sorry you are in this situation. I understand you are open to your wife being poly because you care very much for her and want her to be happy. That is awesome. Just because she is poly and you are not, that's okay. Just noticed a lot of people criticizing your relationship, that's not helpful at all. Have you and your wife had a direct talk about whether she wants to have sex with him even with the herpes? It only sounded like an assumption.
THANK YOU! Since my post was not about the relationship side of it, I left out details and many jumped to assumptions. It's ok. It didn't bother me.

Now, I got clearer as to the exact infections.

We're talking HSV-1 and HPV (from genital warts, removed a few years back)

We decided on NO oral or penetration and NO rubbing of parts "down there."

I am getting tested for HSV-1 just because I hear it's so common. If I have it, then "great" I guess? No worrying for me. However, the guy is on drugs for cold sore outbreaks. I am "ok" with kissing( if no open sores or soon to be sores or shortly after sores...) cuddling... and manual stimulations. I think that's plenty enough anyways... you can have loads of fun with just that.

So, yeah... being HSV-1infection is way less of a chance (though not 100%) if there are no sores, I think we can take that risk. Especially since there will be no oral involved.

And with the HPV, we are totally trying to prevent that one too. She doesn't want genital warts either.

I guess this whole things has left me really amazed at the Poly community.

It seems as if he, his lovers... and people in many posts I've read here sort of just consider HPV and HSV as "part of the poly thing" that you'll get eventually. Which is why he failed to mention this until asked.

He just considered it all "manageable.".... (this is NOT everyone's opinion I have read, but it is a common way of looking at it I've noticed)

I mean, did he really think we'd want a case of genital warts? Really dude?

So... what about the potential sex partners who DO NOT want these STI's?

Folks, be transparent with your new lovers. Their husbands (or wives) would appreciate it.

How does this work at Poly meet ups and camps? Do people ask each other if they get cold sores or ever had genital warts before they engage in physical activity? Or again, is it just assumed we "probably all got it anyways, so what's the big deal?"

I wonder if this guy will reveal this to other potential partners since his chance of sex with my wife has vanished?
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  #22  
Old 02-08-2014, 10:44 PM
london london is offline
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It's part of the sex thing, not the poly thing.
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  #23  
Old 02-08-2014, 10:48 PM
london london is offline
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I ask. A positive status isn't a deal breaker. It's a case by case thing.
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  #24  
Old 02-08-2014, 10:55 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Originally Posted by london View Post
It's part of the sex thing, not the poly thing.
Exactly..

Herpes and HPV are just as present in the monogamous world as the poly one. Actually poly people tend to know there status where are monogamous folks do not. Especially the single ones.
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  #25  
Old 02-08-2014, 11:48 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JacksonCage View Post
It seems as if he, his lovers... and people in many posts I've read here sort of just consider HPV and HSV as "part of the poly thing" that you'll get eventually. Which is why he failed to mention this until asked.
Worse than that, many people just see it as "part of the sexually active thing." They figure that because people with STI's get stigmatized, it somehow gives them the right to hide this fact because it means they might not get laid, and that would disappoint them.

Well boo-fucking-hoo. Your disappointment does not outweigh my right to make autonomous choices about my sexual health.

That said, it's every person's responsibility to ASK about STI status. Take nothing for granted. Many people follow the "I won't disclose voluntarily, but I'll confess if asked" rule. I personally think that's shady, but to each their own I guess.
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  #26  
Old 02-09-2014, 09:17 AM
london london is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JacksonCage View Post
THANK YOU! Since my post was not about the relationship side of it, I left out details and many jumped to assumptions. It's ok. It didn't bother me.

Now, I got clearer as to the exact infections.

We're talking HSV-1 and HPV (from genital warts, removed a few years back)

We decided on NO oral or penetration and NO rubbing of parts "down there."

I am getting tested for HSV-1 just because I hear it's so common. If I have it, then "great" I guess? No worrying for me. However, the guy is on drugs for cold sore outbreaks. I am "ok" with kissing( if no open sores or soon to be sores or shortly after sores...) cuddling... and manual stimulations. I think that's plenty enough anyways... you can have loads of fun with just that.

So, yeah... being HSV-1infection is way less of a chance (though not 100%) if there are no sores, I think we can take that risk. Especially since there will be no oral involved.

And with the HPV, we are totally trying to prevent that one too. She doesn't want genital warts either.

I guess this whole things has left me really amazed at the Poly community.

It seems as if he, his lovers... and people in many posts I've read here sort of just consider HPV and HSV as "part of the poly thing" that you'll get eventually. Which is why he failed to mention this until asked.

He just considered it all "manageable.".... (this is NOT everyone's opinion I have read, but it is a common way of looking at it I've noticed)

I mean, did he really think we'd want a case of genital warts? Really dude?

So... what about the potential sex partners who DO NOT want these STI's?

Folks, be transparent with your new lovers. Their husbands (or wives) would appreciate it.

How does this work at Poly meet ups and camps? Do people ask each other if they get cold sores or ever had genital warts before they engage in physical activity? Or again, is it just assumed we "probably all got it anyways, so what's the big deal?"

I wonder if this guy will reveal this to other potential partners since his chance of sex with my wife has vanished?
You could have HPV and not know. Men cannot be tested. Your wife could be fluid bonding with a carrier. If getting it is a hard limit, PIA or PIV sex with any man should be off limits and gloves and barriers for manual and oral sex. Picking and choosing when the science matters is just perpetuating stigma.
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  #27  
Old 02-09-2014, 07:57 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
You could have HPV and not know. Men cannot be tested. Your wife could be fluid bonding with a carrier. If getting it is a hard limit, PIA or PIV sex with any man should be off limits and gloves and barriers for manual and oral sex. Picking and choosing when the science matters is just perpetuating stigma.
There is also the option of getting vaccinated against the high-risk and common strains of HPV. Generally insurance doesn't pay for it if you are over 26 but you do have the option to pay for it out of pocket.
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  #28  
Old 02-10-2014, 01:51 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JacksonCage View Post

It seems as if he, his lovers... and people in many posts I've read here sort of just consider HPV and HSV as "part of the poly thing" that you'll get eventually. Which is why he failed to mention this until asked.
Maybe-but that's only a small part of the issue. Dr's don't automatically test for herpes.
What I mean is-LITERALLY-and yes you can feel free to do your own research-but many of us HAVE done it-
You go in and ask to be tested for all std's. They run tests and give you a "clean bill of health" but htey don't tell you-THEY DID NOT TEST YOU FOR ALL STD's AND THEY WON'T
unless you name them one by one and even then-it's often a battle.

Quite literally-the dr's here do not test for ANYTHING except clamydia, gonnereah (can't spell it sorry) and one other std-regardless of what you say. They will test for HIV IF YOU ASK SPECIFICALLY.
But they FLAT REFUSED to test for anything else "because it wasn't worth the cost". :/

Fortunately we found one who will-but even he acknowledged it's "Not normal practice".

SO our local poly community (and swinger community and BDSM community and general community) is FULL OF PEOPLE who think they are being responsible, go in for testing regularly and can show you a "clean bill of health" stating that they have been tested for STI's and tested negative..
BUT they weren't tested for herpes, or genital warts or HIV or....
um yeah.
Special.

So- while I think it's critical information-and I ensure to tell people upfront and immediately-MANY PEOPLE who also feel that way-DO NOT KNOW THAT THEY HAVE IT. So they will tell you they do not, they will show you a clean bill of health from the dr and if YOU don't know how to read it and check for EACH STI-you won't know either.
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  #29  
Old 02-10-2014, 04:46 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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It's worth mentioning that medical practices vary by state, province, and country.

Also, when you get a "clean bill of health" it's not like they hand you a certificate saying "You have no diseases!" They hand you a copy of your tests results, which just says what they tested for and whether the results were positive or negative. If someone hands that to you and says "I'm clean" and you don't bother looking at it to see what they actually tested for, you're accepting some of the responsibility for whatever happens.

Aside, every time I walk into the street, I know there's some probability that I'll be hit by a car. That doesn't stop me from crossing streets. But when I look down the road and see cars coming, I infer that the risk of getting hit is higher, so I stop and wait. If I have information that I know increases the risk of contracting an infection, then I would use that information to protect myself.
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The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."

Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 02-10-2014 at 04:49 AM.
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  #30  
Old 02-10-2014, 06:19 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Schroeding-they should. But quite often here they mail you a post card that says "your STI testing is negative". With a contact number and nothing more except being addressed to you on the back.

But yes-it absolutely varies depe ding on location.

Absolutely important to be aware of the limitations in your given area, so you don't assume misinformation about what it means.

I have been SHOCKED by the amount of pissing and moaning and flat refusal by women in the poly community here, to go get tested at all because of cost. Flat refusal. But having sex with a variety of men and women in the community. :/
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