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Old 02-08-2014, 12:31 PM
seakinganswers seakinganswers is offline
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 68
Default I am poly, spouse is not

I'm sure you get this statement a lot. I have always known that jealousy was never an issue for me. I regularly encourage my wife to flirt, have fun, explore her feelings. Pretty much whatever makes her happy. Of course this has never been tested because my wife believes like most people that marriage is between only 2 people. I readily admit, we could try it and I find I actually am more jealous than I thought. But I have this fantasy in my head of my wife and I being both lovers and best friends who both want to experience everything life has to offer in total honesty and complete transparency. I imagine myself sitting at home, waiting for my wife to come home with a big grin on her face because the guy she liked finally kissed her. And being so happy for her! And if course vice versa as well.

I could go on and on but I will jump to the point of my post. I have been married for 15 years. I love my wife, but we got married far too young and we both really pretended to be people we were not. Especially because we were stanch Christians and any ideas of the poly or swinging(I realize they are different but I would actually want both in a perfect world) lifestyle would have been sinful thoughts I shoved out if my mind. She had secrets of her own and we both had horrible communication skills.

We had a moment in our marriage when were at our lowest point and I began to question my marriage, religion, and who I really was. In some ways, I lost who I was entirely. I ended up cheating on her a few times and even had online relationships without her knowledge. I'm sort of a go big or go home kind of guy. I love big and I mess up big.

It took us a few years and to be honest we are still trying to recover from it. In the meantime, I feel like I have a stronger feeling of who I am than I ever have before. I'm on a new kick. I want total honesty between us. No more standard American white picket fence marriage. Over the past year I have opened up to her about my BDSM desires and fantasies, the fact that I fantasize and think about other women, I watch porn on occasion, and more importantly I no longer see those things as wrong. I'm comfortable with who I am. She has taken it all in stride until I finally dropped the bombshell. "I want an open relationship"

I've steered clear of using the words swinger or poly to stay away from all the preconceived notions involved. Besides, I wouldn't even go about trying to define what it would look like without her initial approval of the idea and discussing her comfort levels. My problem is even though I tell her in no uncertain terms that I am committed to her no matter what and ill stay monogamous for the rest of my life if it means staying with her. She still can't seem to get over the fact that I would have relationships and sleep with other women if she let me.

Since I have told her she has asked a lot if questions and I don't have all the answers but I try. But I feel like her jealousy has grown. She has gone back to watching my cell phone and Facebook and getting upset if I talk about a girl at work too much. I get the feeling that most of it is just her lack of understanding of the lifestyle. How can I convince her that she should trust me more now than she ever has before? That this honestly should make her trust me more not less. That by telling her these things we are creating an intimacy far superior to what most couples have.

Is there a good book or website for someone like her who comes from a very straight and narrow religious background to better understand the lifestyle? Or would it be a good idea to have her join a forum like this? I feel I'm not eloquent enough with my words to really explain it to her. I'm not trying to get her to let us explore the lifestyle. If that happens then fantastic! But more than anything I want her to better understand me so she can accept me and not see it as a major flaw in me, because I don't. I want her to see the beauty in this type of relationship even if she is never comfortable enough to try it. I want her to know she can trust me even more now than ever.
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