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  #11  
Old 01-31-2014, 04:55 AM
starlight1 starlight1 is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: London
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I am wide awake and restless tonight. I really miss cuddles.
I've realised that I really need more intimate time, touches, days with Adasan that I am just not getting. Right now this month we have seen each other twice i believe. Maybe 3 times. Certainly not more than that.

That's just not enough.

So I sent him an email to address the problems. UGH. I understand his life is busy and i'm fourth priority on his list, and he on mine, but i think we need to try a little harder or it's going to end up being friends with benefits and not a real relationship. How can i relate emotionally/mentally with someone who barely calls/texts once or twice a week, and most the time i'm instigating. i have no problem chasing, i mean i make the effort for equal communication, but i do want responses and i want him, more of him, bleh.

I have tried really hard in this relationship to balance my own neediness, but now i feel its perfectly rational as his girlfriend to want to talk once a day, on the phone, not texts! (or skype or something!) I just miss seeing his face, seeing him laugh, seeing him PERIOD. And I really get reassurance from a physical presence and communication that things are ok, that we're ok, and that we're heading in the same direction.

I've been up all night and not able to sleep. Doesn't help I've been under the weather the past few days.(Cold sore throat) At this rate no point in sleeping at all as girls have to be up for school soon. I may as well start breakfast early!


I'm just really confused by this relationship as it's very different from any other relationship i've ever had. What has been normal in the past is men who wanted to push themselves on me hard and fast, and i had to take my time deciding what i want and go at a slower pace, this is the first time dating someone at the same pace as me, who takes his time and goes with the flow like me. so if we both go with the flow, who initiates? lol.
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Starlight1- 28 divoriced bi-sexual female- poly curious
shooting star and rosebud - children of Starlight1

"Ships in harbour are safe, but that's not what ships are built for." - John Shedd

"The best way out is always through." - Helen Keller

"When you give from a place of love, rather than expectation more usually comes back to us than we could ever have imagined."- unknown
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  #12  
Old 02-04-2014, 03:08 AM
starlight1 starlight1 is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: London
Posts: 35
Unhappy Shifting Sands

Sigh.

A lot has happened since my last post. Relationships are so hard to maintain when the other person doesnt want to. I was in a really good relationship for december with Adasan, and then january, no communication.
Then out of the blue he says he wants to end it.
I mean. I sort of see it coming but not really.

All I wanted was for him to open up to me and include him in his life and he didnt want to. He didnt want to invite me to meet his family. He didnt want me to meet his friends. He closed off and backed away.

I am glad I saw this sooner rather than later because, clearly he wasnt that into me.

So, now i'm left feeling sad. I mean I know it was the right thing to do, but I still cared a great deal for him and my heart hurts. I have learned a lot of lessons from this relationship...and now its time to move on. Maybe take some time out from starting realtionships, and focus on me and what poly is and making friends.

My heart just hurts. We had amazing experiences together and now we won't anymore.

I have talked to other people about the positives and spent all day talking about postives. But here in te middle of the night, I know that I wanted a normal healthy relationship and I chose another dud. Real relationships work on a steady foundation not just sex. I was his FWB not a girlfriend. And I am worth more than that. I know I am. I just hurt because now I've lost all that hope I invested in.

And time and energy. I just don't know if I can keep doing this. I think I need time to process this to grieve. So, I will. I'll just be with my emotions and grieve.

Being solo is HARD sometimes.
__________________
Starlight1- 28 divoriced bi-sexual female- poly curious
shooting star and rosebud - children of Starlight1

"Ships in harbour are safe, but that's not what ships are built for." - John Shedd

"The best way out is always through." - Helen Keller

"When you give from a place of love, rather than expectation more usually comes back to us than we could ever have imagined."- unknown
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  #13  
Old 02-08-2014, 11:00 AM
starlight1 starlight1 is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: London
Posts: 35
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I'm trying to figure out what is lacking in my life, that I feel i NEED a relationship, rather than just want one.
I've been single before, and didn't feel this intense NEED i feel right now.

It's a new concept for me.
I have been dating, and trying dating different people for awhile now, november I think, before that I had about 8 months hiatus, after again, dating a lot of different people and nothing working out.

I find it exhausting to try and push this issue as clearly with kids and my self employment business it's probably not the best time. Maybe taking a break from pursuing relationships is a good idea. Some break ups were mutual, some were me, some where them, so i dont feel particularly needy..though perhaps I come across that way just because i'm super determined and when i want something i go at it 100%. Also i am in major transition this summer with a move to another country with my girls, so i think relationships will have to take a back burner for awhile.

I also ran myself too thin lately, between education, work, and kids, i had precious little time to date anyway. And this week my youngest got sick with tonsilitis, canceled on future date plans, as she had a temp of 104. It was craziness. So yeah I'm thinking now's not the time to do this poly thing.

I am feeling at peace with this decision and hope that I can continue forward positively from here. I will keep you all informed on how it goes, and if i ever figure out if i'm poly or not.

__________________
Starlight1- 28 divoriced bi-sexual female- poly curious
shooting star and rosebud - children of Starlight1

"Ships in harbour are safe, but that's not what ships are built for." - John Shedd

"The best way out is always through." - Helen Keller

"When you give from a place of love, rather than expectation more usually comes back to us than we could ever have imagined."- unknown
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