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  #11  
Old 01-31-2014, 04:55 AM
starlight1 starlight1 is offline
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I am wide awake and restless tonight. I really miss cuddles.
I've realised that I really need more intimate time, touches, days with Adasan that I am just not getting. Right now this month we have seen each other twice i believe. Maybe 3 times. Certainly not more than that.

That's just not enough.

So I sent him an email to address the problems. UGH. I understand his life is busy and i'm fourth priority on his list, and he on mine, but i think we need to try a little harder or it's going to end up being friends with benefits and not a real relationship. How can i relate emotionally/mentally with someone who barely calls/texts once or twice a week, and most the time i'm instigating. i have no problem chasing, i mean i make the effort for equal communication, but i do want responses and i want him, more of him, bleh.

I have tried really hard in this relationship to balance my own neediness, but now i feel its perfectly rational as his girlfriend to want to talk once a day, on the phone, not texts! (or skype or something!) I just miss seeing his face, seeing him laugh, seeing him PERIOD. And I really get reassurance from a physical presence and communication that things are ok, that we're ok, and that we're heading in the same direction.

I've been up all night and not able to sleep. Doesn't help I've been under the weather the past few days.(Cold sore throat) At this rate no point in sleeping at all as girls have to be up for school soon. I may as well start breakfast early!


I'm just really confused by this relationship as it's very different from any other relationship i've ever had. What has been normal in the past is men who wanted to push themselves on me hard and fast, and i had to take my time deciding what i want and go at a slower pace, this is the first time dating someone at the same pace as me, who takes his time and goes with the flow like me. so if we both go with the flow, who initiates? lol.
__________________
Starlight1- 29f/bi/poly
shooting star and rosebud - children of Starlight1
Trip- 29m/heteroflex/poly 3 month dating
Ivy- 33f/heteroflex/poly friend
Grayson- 35m/heteroflex/poly - Ivy's partner
Siren- 40f/str/poly curious - BFF + Wife of Gale
Gale- 40m/hetroflex/mono - BFF + Husband of Siren
Irishcoffee - 29m/hetroflex/poly - FWB
Peti- 39f/bi/poly - partner of Trip

Previous lovers: Lily, Adasan, ex husband, Rocky
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  #12  
Old 02-04-2014, 03:08 AM
starlight1 starlight1 is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: London
Posts: 211
Unhappy Shifting Sands

Sigh.

A lot has happened since my last post. Relationships are so hard to maintain when the other person doesnt want to. I was in a really good relationship for december with Adasan, and then january, no communication.
Then out of the blue he says he wants to end it.
I mean. I sort of see it coming but not really.

All I wanted was for him to open up to me and include him in his life and he didnt want to. He didnt want to invite me to meet his family. He didnt want me to meet his friends. He closed off and backed away.

I am glad I saw this sooner rather than later because, clearly he wasnt that into me.

So, now i'm left feeling sad. I mean I know it was the right thing to do, but I still cared a great deal for him and my heart hurts. I have learned a lot of lessons from this relationship...and now its time to move on. Maybe take some time out from starting realtionships, and focus on me and what poly is and making friends.

My heart just hurts. We had amazing experiences together and now we won't anymore.

I have talked to other people about the positives and spent all day talking about postives. But here in te middle of the night, I know that I wanted a normal healthy relationship and I chose another dud. Real relationships work on a steady foundation not just sex. I was his FWB not a girlfriend. And I am worth more than that. I know I am. I just hurt because now I've lost all that hope I invested in.

And time and energy. I just don't know if I can keep doing this. I think I need time to process this to grieve. So, I will. I'll just be with my emotions and grieve.

Being solo is HARD sometimes.
__________________
Starlight1- 29f/bi/poly
shooting star and rosebud - children of Starlight1
Trip- 29m/heteroflex/poly 3 month dating
Ivy- 33f/heteroflex/poly friend
Grayson- 35m/heteroflex/poly - Ivy's partner
Siren- 40f/str/poly curious - BFF + Wife of Gale
Gale- 40m/hetroflex/mono - BFF + Husband of Siren
Irishcoffee - 29m/hetroflex/poly - FWB
Peti- 39f/bi/poly - partner of Trip

Previous lovers: Lily, Adasan, ex husband, Rocky
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  #13  
Old 02-08-2014, 11:00 AM
starlight1 starlight1 is offline
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Location: London
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I'm trying to figure out what is lacking in my life, that I feel i NEED a relationship, rather than just want one.
I've been single before, and didn't feel this intense NEED i feel right now.

It's a new concept for me.
I have been dating, and trying dating different people for awhile now, november I think, before that I had about 8 months hiatus, after again, dating a lot of different people and nothing working out.

I find it exhausting to try and push this issue as clearly with kids and my self employment business it's probably not the best time. Maybe taking a break from pursuing relationships is a good idea. Some break ups were mutual, some were me, some where them, so i dont feel particularly needy..though perhaps I come across that way just because i'm super determined and when i want something i go at it 100%. Also i am in major transition this summer with a move to another country with my girls, so i think relationships will have to take a back burner for awhile.

I also ran myself too thin lately, between education, work, and kids, i had precious little time to date anyway. And this week my youngest got sick with tonsilitis, canceled on future date plans, as she had a temp of 104. It was craziness. So yeah I'm thinking now's not the time to do this poly thing.

I am feeling at peace with this decision and hope that I can continue forward positively from here. I will keep you all informed on how it goes, and if i ever figure out if i'm poly or not.

__________________
Starlight1- 29f/bi/poly
shooting star and rosebud - children of Starlight1
Trip- 29m/heteroflex/poly 3 month dating
Ivy- 33f/heteroflex/poly friend
Grayson- 35m/heteroflex/poly - Ivy's partner
Siren- 40f/str/poly curious - BFF + Wife of Gale
Gale- 40m/hetroflex/mono - BFF + Husband of Siren
Irishcoffee - 29m/hetroflex/poly - FWB
Peti- 39f/bi/poly - partner of Trip

Previous lovers: Lily, Adasan, ex husband, Rocky
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  #14  
Old 04-05-2015, 03:53 PM
starlight1 starlight1 is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: London
Posts: 211
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Well, reading these last posts from myself have derailed my origin thoughts. So much has happened this last year since that post. I have healed on many levels that allows for true intimacy and relationships and not superficial or needy ones.

I am successfully dating in the poly world and with the loss of labels and expectations comes a maturity and clarity towards life and myself, as well as what healthy relationships look like. For the first time in my life I now have multiple layers of friendships, relationships, families and lovers and I feel expansive and wonderful. It is a much healthier place to be.

And people I truly know have my back for many years, and aren't just passing through, and if I meet someone who is that's ok too.

I finally explored my bisexual side with women properly, and was amazing and intimate. I also opened up and redefined, or undefined, my relationship with a man who we were together monogamously for 8 months. Then he broke up with me and now he asked me back. However between the breakup and now, I started actually going to poly meetups and dating a woman who is bi and poly too, and we are going out again this week. So I approached the ex with this news telling him if he wanted me back in his life he would have to accept my poly curiosity and exploration and how did he feel about it? He told me he was relieved for me to see other people and I feel better for speaking my truth and him voicing his. We decided to leave the relationship ambiguous until after my trip to America. I was originally going to move back but instead stayed in uk. Now my business has taken off and I am a busy bee, and I have a strong network of friends, and friends who are like family. As well as extended family in the West Country. Life is extremely good now I must say. Very peaceful and productive.

I am very happy with the relationship(s) so far and life is good. I am also thrilled at the new level of openness and honesty with Rocky. I think life is a roller coaster and I enjoy the journey right now.
__________________
Starlight1- 29f/bi/poly
shooting star and rosebud - children of Starlight1
Trip- 29m/heteroflex/poly 3 month dating
Ivy- 33f/heteroflex/poly friend
Grayson- 35m/heteroflex/poly - Ivy's partner
Siren- 40f/str/poly curious - BFF + Wife of Gale
Gale- 40m/hetroflex/mono - BFF + Husband of Siren
Irishcoffee - 29m/hetroflex/poly - FWB
Peti- 39f/bi/poly - partner of Trip

Previous lovers: Lily, Adasan, ex husband, Rocky
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  #15  
Old 05-02-2015, 04:24 AM
starlight1 starlight1 is offline
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Location: London
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It's been a month of open ethical polyamory, with Rocky, and Lily being the two main people I am seeing at the moment.

I have to say the journey now stripped of fear and with a lot of honesty, towards myself and others has been very amazing. I wouldn't trade it for the world. This last week I also went on a date with a man named Redford, and another man named Achilles.

I chose Redford because the first older man reminds me of a British rugged version of Robert Redford, and the second because he is Greek originally, and if I were to paint my version of Achilles, it would look like this man lol.

Both are incredibly gorgeous inside and out and both openly non monogamous. Oh the lovely ok Cupid and poly meet ups. So many fascinating people.

The things with Rock right now are amazing, we talked very freely using a lot of ethical slut guidelines as I am reading through the book, and shared bits and pieces with him. The risk of allowing him back in my life, and of us renegotiating and reestablishing trust, was world altering for us both. Our level of love and trust has deepened exponentially and he is very OK with me being poly even going to one of the meeting this next week. He is not sure he actually is that way but he's very happy I am happy.

It was interesting talking about jealousy, estsblishing boundaries, what works, what doesn't and how to help him feel reassured.
His list of things he feels reassured by is:
1) cuddles / physical touch
2) watching GOT with just him (it's been our thing for a year now)
3) forehead massage
4) telling him I love him
5) walks in the Heath / park
6) particular set of underwear that is just for me and him
7) taking a shower before I see him / change clothes so I don't nessecarily smell like other men's pheromones.
8) open dialogue about everything going on
9) safe word for meet ups and discussions that allow us to calm down if emotionally upset in anyway

These all seem very sensible to me, and I am enjoying learning about him more, his boundaries and level of trust and confidence...we bring out such good in each other and it was extremely hard for both of us to not talk for the month in a half when we both had no contact. I have never been in such an amazing relationship before, and even though we are putting no pressure on it, it keeps evolving naturally on its own with the kindness respect love and decency it deserves. He's such a laid back and kind caring person.

He adoringly teases me that I am still a bit much for him, (one of the reasons we broke up), but it's more of a term of endearment now as he is more comfortable with how I function and I time conversations and situations better. But I also think secretly he enjoys the stimulation. His family is very predictable and routine, and I bring out his adventure and fun, I also challenge his beliefs culture and social assumptions about all things...and vice versa.

We went out to dinner last night and it was such a good time. I think I am going to take him on the London eye next time we go out. The last two weeks have all been in either his bed or mine due to kids and also catch up for the month and half break lol. It was good times! But it's also equally nice to go out on a proper date now that we have restablished our new paradigm relationship.
Last night was particularly endearing because Rocky told me he loved me again, I knew he had been wounded deeply with trust before, and now being reassured I never meant to hurt him in the past, he and I have almost completely repaired our trust, in a way I would say we are stronger now than we have ever been and have moved from NRE and honeymoon phase into commitment to keep each other in our lives one way or another. Which is so amazing and wonderful for both of us.

On Lily's front, we continue to get to know each other, seeing each other about once a week. Often we hang out at mine or hers making dinner for each other, chilling, laughing, cuddling, sometimes other things....

She is kind, genuine, hard work, beautiful, generous, sweet, adorable...she feels a need is side me that makes me feel mor authentic and alive than ever before. And it's so very peaceful as she is just such a good hearted kind person.
I don't know what I have done to deserve such amazing people in my life but I am so glad for them. And the best part is for thee first time ever I feel like I have met people who are going to be life long connections of some sort, not just passing through sexually / emotionally etc. I just have grown so much in the last year, and feel like the stronger sexier happier woman I always wanted to be.

The also bonus side of effect of all this happiness and fun times is that I have stablised into my prepregnancy and highschool weight. I just feel so healthy and full of life and energy. I am so freaking blessed right now.
__________________
Starlight1- 29f/bi/poly
shooting star and rosebud - children of Starlight1
Trip- 29m/heteroflex/poly 3 month dating
Ivy- 33f/heteroflex/poly friend
Grayson- 35m/heteroflex/poly - Ivy's partner
Siren- 40f/str/poly curious - BFF + Wife of Gale
Gale- 40m/hetroflex/mono - BFF + Husband of Siren
Irishcoffee - 29m/hetroflex/poly - FWB
Peti- 39f/bi/poly - partner of Trip

Previous lovers: Lily, Adasan, ex husband, Rocky
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  #16  
Old 05-03-2015, 02:02 PM
starlight1 starlight1 is offline
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I had a really long chat last night with IrishCoffee about his version of poly. Ever since poly has been an actuality in my life, I have been asking a lot of questions and researching a lot into what works for other people and then trying it out and seeing if it works for me.

So I have realised I am not a BDSM or kinky person because of my past history in sexual abuse. It's kind of disappointing because the curious adventurous part of me loves the idea of it. However, It makes me trigger, so I will now gently have to let IrishCoffee down in the casual sexual front, because although I am somewhat attracted to him physically, and deeply respectful of him emotionally/intellectually , I can't be dealing with those triggers. Especially since for the most part I don't have those triggers in my daily life right now or with any other sexual partner.... I think not stirring the pot of my inner peace and sanity is the healthiest and simplist choice for me right now. I really was curious about kink , I did try some rope play with Irish, which was interesting but even that small amount triggered me, and I want my relationships to work on a different paradigm to my past ones, ie, to be a safe haven and a place I do not have to worry that need to diffuse or desensitise a situation. Perhaps much down the road I can revisit this, which the past has been laid to rest and when I am not dealing with so much at once.

I also had a lovely long phone chat with Lily last night. She was in freak out mode because I asked since we were seeing each other once a week anyway if she'd like to schedule a day to do that regularly. From what I understand is she's having a hard time with this new journey is figuring out what she wants and the types of love out there. She is happy and calm and content with me, but neither of us have NRE for each other, we are more evolving into best friends who occasionally sexy each other up. But at the same time we aren't just friends, so it's a big strange one...not sure where it's going but I think we'll be in each other's life for quite some time. Also she is struggling with overwhelming NRE for a man who is poly but not quite sure if she is herself, although she is dating around and trying out a lot of different types of relationships at once. I think perhaps burnout is happening, and. I just want to cuddle her and reassure her she is ok, and if she wants sex or not it's ok.

Another huge and left for last because I am still processing...is Rocky's uncle died last night suddenly when admitted for a kidney infection, the. His kidneys shut down and he died. I know not only is Rocky dealing with the loss of a family member but that right now he is going to be extremely emotionally triggered after the shock wears off. The only other death he has had is his grandfather and it was hugely traumatic for him, and sent him tail spinning at the time. Also, this may subconsciously make him fear for me, as last year when we were dating about four months into I suddenly had an unexplained problem with my liver when it stopped functioning and was hospitalised for ten days where I seriously almost died, I was losing blood from every or afire, and puking every thirty seconds, to the point when I went to hospital I had lost a stone in a week, and was dangerously dehydrated and couldn't keep even water down. So this is going to be very hard on him. And everyone in his family ..is for lack of a better word, emotionally stunted. They don't know how to connect with what they are feeling in the moment and then express it...the opposite of mine, who never stop to think how their words or actions affect others lol.

So I can see this being something that becomes a burden on him to get his family to express how they feel about this. To the exclusion of his own feelings. Right now as he is my most devoted loving man in the world, I will be his oasis, his refuge away from that, the place he can be vulnerable and allow me to help share his burden. This is why I want poly, this is what I want. I want deep emotional and physical connections with people truly able to be honest with themselves and honest with others. Doing so helps me be a better person, it highlights my faults and helps me work on them and in that way give back and help others through my own weaknesses and strengths. I am so enjoying authentically being me, and I hope he does come over tomorrow or the day after to receive unconditional love freely.

As for everything else in my poly life, life is good. It s chaotic...went out with girls yesterday to an art May Day event that I am involved loosely with through an arts network. It was fabulous and everyone did a great job, I wasn't able to get a sitter because of extenuinatig circumstances where planning wasn't confirmed in advance to know if he or I was having the girls. When I do have them on weekends I prefer to be with them and present, not with a sitter.
__________________
Starlight1- 29f/bi/poly
shooting star and rosebud - children of Starlight1
Trip- 29m/heteroflex/poly 3 month dating
Ivy- 33f/heteroflex/poly friend
Grayson- 35m/heteroflex/poly - Ivy's partner
Siren- 40f/str/poly curious - BFF + Wife of Gale
Gale- 40m/hetroflex/mono - BFF + Husband of Siren
Irishcoffee - 29m/hetroflex/poly - FWB
Peti- 39f/bi/poly - partner of Trip

Previous lovers: Lily, Adasan, ex husband, Rocky
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  #17  
Old 05-04-2015, 10:40 PM
starlight1 starlight1 is offline
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Location: London
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I had a platonic friend from the arts network over tonight. Really sweet guy I have zero interest in other than mates. It's a bank holiday weekend here so everything was shut today, so I took the advantage of a day off from work.
I spent four lazy hours in the bath reading poly books and forums on here, gleaning insight and understanding. I am learning a lot about my own communication style.

The chapter in. More than two on boundaries was so poignant for me. I realised that I have never had clear boundaries and even when I thought I did I caved to pressure from people closest to me, BecauseI didn't want to disappoint/ hurt them.

I feel I really need to read that chapter a few more times then put my list of boundaries physical and mental on here. I have never done that before.
It might be helpful to do this with Rocky at some point to and learn what his boundaries are. We seem to have a lot of fuzzy unclear ideas about things. For example I think one of my boundaries would be i want a few days notice before a planned event/ date etc.

Hmm as a preliminary I have been thinking what are my boundaries with rocky and instead I keep coming up with subversive controlling things rather than my own boundaries. How alarming but how very glad I am I am realising this about myself, it means I can change it. And it puts to bed that subconscious niggling feeling I was being like my mother. I know this is how she operates with communication, so I know where I learned it from. But knowing where it comes from doesn't help one fix it, so I am eternally grateful for these lovely books, they give more practical advice on healing from destructive relationships and navigating new ones in a better positive place than any self hel books I ever read on the subject.

I have been in text conversation with rocky today just giving him love and support. This week will be hard for him to schedule anything beforehand with me, and this is generally the case with him right now because he works shift work. Four days on to days off. Which is mostly fine by me (opportunity to learn a boundary about myself and to explore later!) he has been adorable with sending lots of kisses, and really reaching out, I am going to see him on the weekend at his with leaving it open for him to come down my way sooner. He also texted me saying I was welcome at his anytime, and offered me to stay over on Saturday Sunday Monday Tuesday if I wanted!! I was kind of mind blown and haven't yet responded because we have never spent this much time together since Christmas, on our week long trip to Budapest.

I haven't spent the time with him because..I wasn't emotionally ready to do that many days in a row yet, and each time we have was on my period and I get very strange emotionally and triggery around that time. I am however acknowledging my own deficiencies in being kind and decent regardless of time of month, and working on not taking those out on rocky. I think this time around with no pressure or worry about moving in with him yet, or marriage yet, I can do this. And truthfully I have grown so much as a person with him, he is such a pleasure to be I his company I just wasn't able to appreciate it before, I just was chafing at the monogamy bit. I feel much more at ease being myself authentically. I am not sure why I keep trying to do monogamy when it is such a disaster for Me. You think 'd learn, but hope and living in fantasy can die slow deaths I think lol. This blog I am using to keep myself accountable and real. There will be the unapologetic truth, I have spent too many years saying sorry for me being me.

No more.
I will post more later, as I have a poly meetup tomorrow and a date(coffee) with a potential local man from okc.

I am also walking with Lily and her metamour Zara fromtrainstation to meetup. Woo hoo. it will be great chatting and laughing and having fun. I will also be seeing IrishCoffee and Redford there hopefully ! Good times!
__________________
Starlight1- 29f/bi/poly
shooting star and rosebud - children of Starlight1
Trip- 29m/heteroflex/poly 3 month dating
Ivy- 33f/heteroflex/poly friend
Grayson- 35m/heteroflex/poly - Ivy's partner
Siren- 40f/str/poly curious - BFF + Wife of Gale
Gale- 40m/hetroflex/mono - BFF + Husband of Siren
Irishcoffee - 29m/hetroflex/poly - FWB
Peti- 39f/bi/poly - partner of Trip

Previous lovers: Lily, Adasan, ex husband, Rocky

Last edited by starlight1; 05-04-2015 at 10:44 PM.
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  #18  
Old 05-05-2015, 01:55 AM
starlight1 starlight1 is offline
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Location: London
Posts: 211
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So I thought I might fill in the gaps in my life from March 2014 to this year. And yes it's been a year of amazing adventures.

It was a year of my highest and lowest points in my life all at the same time. Back in 2013 my family member Honour left to go back to America, by this time I thought I might try dating again after The short lived relationship with Adasan.

About five frustrating first dates later and just about ready to give up on dating at all, I went out with Rocky for the first time. At the time my daughter ShootingStar had slammed the front door in my living room in a girly hissy fit with my boundary setting of her bed time. After this display of anger the top door, which is an old Victorian home, with original pieces came off the top hinge. So instead of planning my first date out and cancelling I asked if Rocky would come by and help me out the door back together. I learned so much about this man on that first date and already was falling for his willingness to get stuck in, his good sense of humour and just all around easy nature. There was a naturalness from the start that made being around him as easy as breathing.

I was completely and utterly smitten with him physically and intellectually, and we were both nervous but excited and enjoying ourselves.
The relationship over time progressed along a monogamous route simply because I had not thought about poly much, I put it in the closet for awhile after Adasan and the ex husband setting me up with things I wasn't happy with. However I now see this as them being not cool, and me not having boundaries rather than poly itself being the problem.

So anyway, we went on regular dates, he took me out, I took him out we explored in England , out of England and elsewhere. I got to teach him the ins and outs of a lot of things relating to sex and life and he taught me a lot about making love, giving love, receiving love, and good communication skills. We compliment each other very well!

Rocky is lean muscles, broad shoulders tapering into a perfect shape. A lovely but and gorgeous legs. He has gentle brown eyes, with small specks of gold. He has a strong jaw with metrosexual looking face. He has dark thick eybrows and pronounced forehead that makes him look intense and broody at times.
One of myfavourite things is his long dark curls that remind me of Jon snow on GOT, with a beautiful hooked regal nose, set on the most adorable smile known to man. He flashes that smile his whole face lights up and I melt inside.

But even more than all that incredible hotness, underneath is a man of integrity, kindness, gentleness and strength. More strength than he knows. He gives so unselfishly and with his whole heart. I very quickly allowed him into my life. He is the first romantic person since 2011 who met my kids. And it was so natural. So easy...

However as time went on I started to itch with monogamy. I could feel it. Every time he wanted to progress with me, like take me to his best friends wedding, and talk about kids and marriage and living together...I just wasn't ready, I wasn't ready because I wasn't authentically being me about being poly. So I tentatively put the idea out there. But I became snappish and outbursts at small things when all this went on. I was also under huge strain because of illness I mentioned before, the local authority swooped in and took my kids off me placing them with their dad when I fainted at the kids school. I didn't know what to do at this time (before Xmas 2014), and went in a huge negative self pity loathing spiral of pain and anguish.

Because of this spiral Rocky broke up with me. That was the thing ironically that snapped me out of it and got me focusing on what I could make better or change. I am in a real horrible legal battle spanning four years because of my health and kids and UK government involvement in my life. Thankfully, besides that blip in January when he couldn't deal, he has been utterly supportive. Everyone is human, and I was in a pretty destructive place.

We spent 4/6weeks apart before I texted him letting him know my dad had been told he had cancer. It was like one bad thing happened after another from November to March and I am not really sure how I kept my sanity.
All I know is when we saw each other we lept into each other's arms like two people dying for water in a desert.
We had mind blowing amazing sex, that connected so deeply and emotionally.

We talked, laughed, I cried a little. It was just so overwhelming. Then we redefined. I broke down and explained why I had been hiding poly (court /kids)
And I explained how badly I needed to be 100% honest with him about all things. He appologised for abandoning me explaining that it was his MO that when someone got like I did to walk away for self preservation and he felt like a total dick to me.
I forgave him and we put it behind us and redefined the relationship as ambitious.
A month into ambiguity and me dating other people including women. I told him I still love him, and I consider him my primary partner and want to have him in my life forever in some capacity even if in ends up friends only, that I just couldn't see my life without him in it.
That was hugely vulnerable for me. At this time he opened up about his own vulnerable things in his life...we connected intellectually and emotionally during this time so intensely we both felt and said we thought we were having sex with our minds. I just can't get over the depth of my feelings for this man. It's crazy.

Now we are into one year of amazing sex with the best relationship I have ever had, and he is just so amazing to me. When I look at home so much love comes out from my heart. We agreed together to fight together for the girls to be back with me. We are united in purpose and drive and life, and life is good. He came to court with me, and since then has never let me down. I have also changed my snarky angry habit, and am very conscious of what I say and do that could inflict harm in a passive aggressive way or controlling way.

So that's a basis of where we are now. Freaking awesome relationship. Le sigh. So happy. Can't wait to see him again!!
__________________
Starlight1- 29f/bi/poly
shooting star and rosebud - children of Starlight1
Trip- 29m/heteroflex/poly 3 month dating
Ivy- 33f/heteroflex/poly friend
Grayson- 35m/heteroflex/poly - Ivy's partner
Siren- 40f/str/poly curious - BFF + Wife of Gale
Gale- 40m/hetroflex/mono - BFF + Husband of Siren
Irishcoffee - 29m/hetroflex/poly - FWB
Peti- 39f/bi/poly - partner of Trip

Previous lovers: Lily, Adasan, ex husband, Rocky
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  #19  
Old 05-06-2015, 03:54 PM
starlight1 starlight1 is offline
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Location: London
Posts: 211
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Yesterday was a really awesome day!

I managed to push through a block with my health! For awhile now, I've been walking halfway to a local village from my village, but not all the way there and back. (Around 2 miles total.) This time I walked all the way there and back on my own. Needs must as I didn't have my bus card, and I was going on a date lol. My bus card was at my friends Siren and Gale's house.

Yesterday, in the windy-yet-warm spring air, I went on a date with a random OKC person..lol it was horrendous. It was one of my top 5 worst dates EVER. I was sitting across from this man in a pub in the nearby village, feeling elated that today I was going to walk all the way down there and back today!

Let's call him R for this post. We were meeting midday, having drinks.

In the first ten minutes of conversation R starts ranting to me about a woman who he went on a date recently (Not a good start already!) and by 15 minutes he tells me he hates kids. I can understand this, (which is fine sort-of...I mean the opinion is fine) but I was bothered by the fact R thought that it was the woman's fault if she has kids, and how aweful that is.

So I asked clarifying questions: "So you dislike this particular woman because she has kids?"

"Or do you dislike this particular person because you think her choice to have kids were wrong?"

He said he disliked the way she had treated him, AND that he "looked less on her for choosing kids".

I said: "You do realise I have kids right?" And he goes "No" his eyes wide and innoccent. I'm like, "It was on my profile."

So that was a lunch fail, the conversation was very stilted and awkward, and I told him very gently but very plainly I wasn't interested in a relationship with him, but would be happy to be his friend. That didn't go down so well, he tried the passive agressive route saying I was his first date on OKC, and I said,

"well theres plenty of other people in London, I might be first but I don't have to be the last and I'm sure you can find someone."

He said I was quick to judge,

My reply was: "It's ok to know what you like and know what works for you, and what doesn't work for you. I am just being honest in that for me I don't think this is a right fit."

Then on the site when I checked later there was a passive agressive message that mentioned something trivial about me that he didn't like, and turning it around like he rejected me. I just shrugged. I was really glad I am learning clear boundaries. I need to keep doing these dates and communicating clearly with a lot of people. Stating my boundaries in a kind, consistent, and firm way, that allows for open dialogue, but also creates a space of knowing where I stand.

I also spent my bank holiday reading all the lovely blogs here, some I haven't finished yet, some I am still working on (12+ pages some!! lol) and I want to digest them individually, as I don't want to confuse different stories. I relate a lot of to Reverie's blog simply because every time I read about Rider I smile internally as I relate quite a bit to his thinking and boundary quandries.

When do you disclose and or ask if its ok to include someone in a blog? I am considering deleting some of my entries about Rocky until I get his OK, as it just didn't occur to me to ask him if he was ok with me mentioning him. I am thinking while dealing with personal crisis not such a good idea.

I am not intentionally inconsiderate, I just have a BIG thing to work through with past conditioning, and also I am a total flake on what I have said / did, (Think Dory sometimes, adorable but a total spaz sometimes!)...I blame being an artist and using my right side of brain too much LOL.

So now that I'm done excusing bad behaviour :eyeroll: I will say that for me a lot of time the most obvious solution doesn't come to me easily, and neither does thinking about the potetial situation before hand. It frustrates me a lot because I will say / do something that then others point out was totally the wrong timing or not thinking before I leap.

I can't tell you the amount of times I have almost accidently walked in front of a moving vehicle. LOL. oh my...

So moving back to my day yesterday:

After the fail date, I hung out with the bartender at the pub, a new person in the area named Stu for this blog post. He mentioned looking for an assistant manager - we had such a great easy going conversation. I really enjoyed talking to him! It was so natural and easy-flowing. I told him about being an aritst and he offered me the job as the assistant manager, so I will be picking up a CV in a few days to give to him. This is really cool for me, it's only part time and I can totally see it feeding into a positive loop with my business as I learn how to manage other people situations, books etc. I am feeling very good about this move, and looking forward to learning and growing in all areas of life. If I get this for sure, then I can transfer down the road into almost any management job! It would be absolutely vital skills. So how is that for turning lemons into lemonaide??

After that on my way back I thought since I can't get ahold of Siren and Gale on the phone, them being so random with their schedules and lives, that I would just stop by their house and visit. I also wanted to share my day and different things.

So I stopped by their places, ok so total-truth here: I am totally into both of them, but as I am learning my boundaries there are some relationships I just don't want to cross into sexual, this is one of them! Some people I could do this with and some not, because, basically they used to be poly in the past and it didn't work out so well...it's complicated. They never looked for it actively- it just happened. So I don't want to stir up awkward things for them. Plus it was Siren who had two guys, not Siren sharing Gale, which could be a totally different situation all together! However they do a lot of gigs and stuff too, so I will definitely do some more jamming with them. I play the flute so I adore hanging out being creative with them. We all are into visual art (painting) and musical art (guitar/baseguitar/drums/flute).

I also enjoy writing/blogging, and Gale writing music, and Siren is into Acting. We're all a part of the same arts group that I hang out once a month...which has a lot of really great people!

Anyway I stayed there from 1pm to 6pm, having just a wonderful time. Ever since having kids I secluded myself away from everyone. I didn't open my world and life up - and it was REALLY difficult for me to find anyone to be inclusive in my area that is realllly conservative and I couldn't find anyone at the kids school I gelled with. I was feeling quite isolated.

Now if court goes my way and I get them back either full time or half/half, I am definitely keeping my life more open and inclusive. I am done cloistering myself away.
__________________
Starlight1- 29f/bi/poly
shooting star and rosebud - children of Starlight1
Trip- 29m/heteroflex/poly 3 month dating
Ivy- 33f/heteroflex/poly friend
Grayson- 35m/heteroflex/poly - Ivy's partner
Siren- 40f/str/poly curious - BFF + Wife of Gale
Gale- 40m/hetroflex/mono - BFF + Husband of Siren
Irishcoffee - 29m/hetroflex/poly - FWB
Peti- 39f/bi/poly - partner of Trip

Previous lovers: Lily, Adasan, ex husband, Rocky

Last edited by starlight1; 05-06-2015 at 04:11 PM.
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Old 05-06-2015, 04:00 PM
starlight1 starlight1 is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: London
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Continued from previous post:

So that brings me to today! Today I had an on-going issue I have been dealing with, with the X husband, that just feels like it keeps recycling back in my life. So I can't talk a lot about it, but it did mean that I am now openly poly with the police (Yeah I know, I know, weird!). Thank god it's London, because well, i'm sure they have heard it all. lol. And thankfully its none of the Children's social services business. I am not harming anyone with it, (certainly not the kids!) and if anything the only one harming me is the X, and I am drawing my line of boundary in the sand. So, I just asked a lot of clarifying questions on what the info would be used in this case and where it would go etc, I felt ok with owning this new identity. I mean, I have been thinking about this path for quite a few years, now it just feels more and more right, and it's making me so happy! Also I had prepped yesterday with the poly forums here on this question- Less is more! I didn't come out and say "hey i'm openly poly", I just said, I am open-minded, and I believe in consensual honest open communication between myself and whomever I choose to be with. So I think I handled myself with confidence, grace, and courage today.

Tonight I skype with my girls (YAY!) and phone date with Lily, (another yay!) Plus I am finally painting again after a month of not being able to do ANY art. I finally feel well enough emotionally to dig back into it. I can do it. I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, court or not, police or not, drama outside of my control or not, work is work and it provides a solace and a place of peace in my life that makes me clearer and in control of my own life.

Lily and I are making plans to go to a movie next week, I can see an endearing long term friendship blossoming, and it's beautiful. I am very happy with this current set up!

I also have another potential date from OKC (It's a numbers game right???!) and this guy is soooo sweet and I am so excited about him, that I actually added him as a name on here: Daniel. We both felt like we instantly recognised each others pictures on OKC, and we have spent a lot of time communicating with each other in the last week or so. We both almost automatically said to each other like we felt we knew each other before, and it was so easy to talk to each other. He's taking me out to go somewhere in London either Sunday or later, it will depend on what I am doing Sunday, (I think I have a Photography session planned with a Platonic Poly friend). And since I promised Saturday night with Rocky, it might be a full weekend haha. I will see the girls on Saturday and it makes sense to spend the night with Rocky because how close to each other they are location wise. I am keeping Sunday open for Daniel though, outside of the photography.

I put the name Daniel because he reminds me physically of how I imagined Daniel and the lions den- I remember seeing a drawing of that in a book once as a child and that was the picture that came to mind when I thought of a name now.

Also the nice thing about Daniel is on the phone he asked me a LOT about poly as he had never come across it, he said he was looking for his soul mate but believed that there was more than one soul mate in the world (Aw! already squee there!), and that his best friend was a soulmate to him too. I could really see Rocky and Daniel getting on like a house on fire. They have many similar aspects, laid back, same age, family businesses, big families, oldest sibling.....hard working, funny, interesting, musical, etc. Anyway as I said super-excited to meet up with Daniel. I will definitely keep you in the loop on that one.

He and I have a lot of things in common too, Ice skating, geeky FF7 obsession, music (We're going to jam doing piano and flute sometime!), I am thinking Thanksgiving in London 2015 is going to be FREAKING AWESOME! I am making an intentional family, and I will have the love and give the love I have never had in my past before Rocky. Rocky is and was and always will be one of those raise-the-bar relationships, he's a huge game changer for me, and I am honoured to know everyone I know so far, they are so awesome and cool and make me so happy!!

Surely if I were still religious it would be a sin to be this happy hehehe.
__________________
Starlight1- 29f/bi/poly
shooting star and rosebud - children of Starlight1
Trip- 29m/heteroflex/poly 3 month dating
Ivy- 33f/heteroflex/poly friend
Grayson- 35m/heteroflex/poly - Ivy's partner
Siren- 40f/str/poly curious - BFF + Wife of Gale
Gale- 40m/hetroflex/mono - BFF + Husband of Siren
Irishcoffee - 29m/hetroflex/poly - FWB
Peti- 39f/bi/poly - partner of Trip

Previous lovers: Lily, Adasan, ex husband, Rocky
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