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  #91  
Old 01-02-2014, 09:03 PM
wildflowers wildflowers is offline
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Some larger context for Mag's comment (from an approach that I've been reading about lately):

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...itment-therapy

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Accepta...itment_therapy

I find this approach a bit formulaic and jargony at times, but the underlying ideas seem useful.
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  #92  
Old 01-03-2014, 03:59 AM
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Thanks, Wildflowers - interesting links.

Admission: My first response was, "Well, if I need something labeled 'therapy' to deal with it, then why am I putting myself in this situation in the first place?"

Then I went off and researched kitchens for my 1930s house for a while and forgot about it. Came back to it later, while shoveling.

What good does the anger and blame do me? None. So why the anger? What does my brain think it's going to do?

I suppose anger can spur us on to change a bad situation, or to right a wrong.
Aha.

In these moments, I feel that things are unjust somehow. That I'm on the losing end, and my anger is righteous anger somehow - I deserve better. I deserve more.

And the voice of my friends who ostracized P from their lives, who said the EXACT SAME THING, comes to mind, and I stopped.

Nope. Nothing unjust here. My own choices.

Why did I buy a house, rather than get a condo where someone would maintain it for me? Other than wanting my own property, and not a condo? It was a HUGE symbol of my independence. Sometimes, I find that independence difficult, but I can't have it both ways. If I'd rented, or gotten a condo, or even a different house, I may not have some of these issues. My choice. My independence, the good and the bad.

My choice to be P's partner. I knew he was Poly. Didn't quite grok it all at the time, but still. And I continue to make that choice (to stay), because when we're together, it's wonderful.

Again. My choice. I made it. Who's there to be mad at?

So I shoveled.
Well, pushed the snow around. It's bitterly cold, so the snow really doesn't weigh much. And that was that. No negativity, other than cussing those little humps in the driveway that catch the shovel every single time. Puuuuush*CLUNK* Damn.

So, it'll be interesting to try this out (and see if I can get it to work, and stick).

Anyway, just got back inside about 20 min. ago, and now it's snowing like mad. Parked in front of the woodstove with a chai (which is too hot for my chilled throat) and I'm not shoveling again until tomorrow morning. Done.

And I think Patches is on the hunt for another mouse. Hopefully, the one she lost a week and a half ago.

Maybe I'll go research some more 1930s bungalow kitchen colors and materials. It won't be a 2014 project, but maybe 2015, fingers crossed.
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Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 11), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
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  #93  
Old 01-03-2014, 01:01 PM
wildflowers wildflowers is offline
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These days, I think of therapy as training in life skills. We generally manage to live, but most of us could do it "better" - get more satisfaction from it, create fewer obstacles for ourselves, experience less conflict. And one path towards that is being as aware as possible of what we're thinking and feeling, and what our underlying assumptions are.

I sense that I could head off on a long tangent here, without a clear sense of direction, so I'll stop. Anyway, glad you found it worth thinking about.
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  #94  
Old 01-03-2014, 04:44 PM
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Originally Posted by wildflowers View Post
These days, I think of therapy as training in life skills. We generally manage to live, but most of us could do it "better" - get more satisfaction from it, create fewer obstacles for ourselves, experience less conflict. And one path towards that is being as aware as possible of what we're thinking and feeling, and what our underlying assumptions are.
And I think you're right. Too often, it's the day-to-day that's difficult to manage well - stress from a job, relationship stress, finances. After my initial reaction passed (which really didn't take too long - I guess you could call it more of a flare-up), I thought more like the above. Anything that can help be in a better frame of mind over the things that do and will happen is a good thing. Thanks again.

As for today, I think we're just going to leave the care with the mechanic (he still hasn't received the part), P's going to come up here, and we'll just leave tomorrow morning for NYC instead of leaving from his place, which is a bit closer.

I *was* hoping to go to Olneyville NY System tonight (best "weenahs" in RI), but hey. Getting the car fixed and then getting the heck out beats gorging myself on food that's bad for me, regardless of how enjoyable it is.
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 11), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
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  #95  
Old 01-16-2014, 04:06 AM
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Well, it's been a while. Finally put "blog post" on my list of things to do (and finally remembered to look at my list when I got home), so here I am with a glass of Prosecco and the laptop after paying the bills. Yay, the glamorous life!

Let's see... the car is fixed (yay!), although the mechanic forgot what the car was there for and finally called me up the morning of the day I was going to pick it up and asked, "What's this car here for again?" <facepalm>

Still, he did a great job welding a new muffler strap on, charged only $40 for it, and I went back and got my inspection sticker for free, with one minor hiccup (had to wait til the next day, since they had to have the same guy inspect it, or it *wouldn't* have been for free).

NYC was nice. We found a place over AirBnB, which was tiny, probably the ugliest building in the neighborhood, but still a pretty nice neighborhood, so no complaints. We were happy to find it was within walking distance of the Trailer Park Lounge, and we gorged ourselves on horrible comfort food and drinks, then gave ourselves indigestion. Hello, New York! Overall, it was a nice trip (P found us a Burlesque show to see, and we had a great time), even with all the slush puddles everywhere. One hiccup - when we were walking back from the Burly show (intending to wander about and then hit White Castle, because, you know, White Castle), and P launched into this conversation about how M1's been doing great about the Facebook stuff and how we should all get together and talk about it again and blablablablabla...

And it just pulled me right out of the nice walk we were having, pulled me out of the "P and me" trip, and... boo. Yes, it's a good idea, but I was enjoying our "just us" weekend. The whole "let's talk about Facebook" thing felt like an intrusion. He noticed that I clammed up, I said it was probably best to leave the conversation until AFTER the trip, he thought I was pissed at him, I said no, and then we found things to take pictures of ("Hey, isn't that the Flatiron Building?! How'd we get HERE?") and forgot about it all. Groovy.

Lots of food, beer (Heartland Brewery was serving their Bavarian Black Lager, which I ADORE - and the logo is kinda fun too - so we picked up a growler of it... omnomnom), and just fun. Until Monday, when we decided to head into the Bryant Park area (holds some special meaning for us) and get breakfast. Came out to a pretty hard rain, so no walking around the park, but... wait... IS THAT A BOOT ON YOUR CAR?

Okay, there was an f-bomb in there somewhere. At least one.

*Sigh*

A not-so-happy hike to the impound lot to pay the boot fine, then a slightly-better-mood hike back to get the car. Boot fine plus ticket = $300 for parking that day. Oh, and the $15 I paid for the meter, not realizing it was COMMERCIAL METERED parking. Hooray for vague signs. Not.

Eff you, New York. From now on, we're taking the bus.

So the trip was good. P and I had some good conversations about the "partner" thing and other stuff. No real epiphanies or resolutions, but it's good to talk about where we are in our own head spaces.



In other news...

P has a protective streak, which is kinda sweet, but annoying. I don't like to be protected unless there's a bear or an axe murderer coming after me. I will appreciate the protective streak in those cases. When my kids demand my time after a weekend I was away? No. I don't appreciate it then. I get downright pissy. Apparently, so does P when my kids get all "Mom? Mom? Mommy? Mommy? Mommy come here! The cat farted! Come see!" and I go in to see.

And then I think that maybe this is how a hinge feels, trying to balance time with multiple partners (where my issue is balancing time with the kids versus time with P). I'd like to integrate them more, but my oldest daughter is still pretty standoffish with P, and he likes to separate himself and not interrupt their time with me when he's here.

It gives me a new perspective on where he's coming from, in a way.
Interesting to think about, and to find myself in that position.



In other other news...
I seem to be back in high school.

I blogged a while ago about a party for a friend's husband that went horribly wrong. This was back when P, M1, and I were still new at this, and I had no idea how things would go at a nighttime, adults-only party where we all attended together. I said, "Let's see how it goes."

BAD. IDEA.

I felt snubbed, felt that P gave M1 much more attention, and I lost it. So did he. The resulting fight (not near the main party, thankfully) was a horrible mess, not helped by the alcohol consumed before the late-arriving food. Oops.

Lots of communication mishaps (I texted P, "Can we talk?" - he got up, walked right past me without looking, and went into the house. I was FURIOUS. Come to find out, M1 had his phone. He hadn't seen the text at all, and went inside to pee. THAT was the level of miscommunication that was happening that night), leading to a fight, and a very awkward scene for my friend R, as she fielded questions from her friends ("He's with her AND her? Nuh-UH! Why does she let that happen? She deserves SO much better!").

Basically, P and M1 were both villainized that night. R felt overwhelmed by it all and asked P that if he is coming to an event at her house, that he not be there with the both of us. She didn't want to exclude anyone, but she didn't want EVERYONE.

P was upset. M1 was upset. I wasn't - R had been in my life since 6th grade and was practically a sister to me. I understood where she was coming from (she was put on the spot with no idea what to do, and I don't think it was right of us to put her in that position) and just let it be for a while. P is now rekindling a friendship with her. M1 hasn't spoken to her since, I don't believe.

So, now that the backstory is complete...
A mutual friend is having a girls' night out. Without me and R. Our friend LB unwittingly asked us if we were going, assuming we were invited, and we went, "What?" LB asked the organizer why we weren't on the list, and the "bad blood" thing came out, along with "well, I don't get invited to their events anyway".

Okay...
Personally? I don't care. Organizer is close to M1 and she's a grownup. She can pick her friends and hang out with whomever she wants.

R is worried that she's the cause of my not being invited, and was worried I'd be upset with her (nope - don't care).

And we haven't HAD events, so at the same time, I'm feeling sad for Organizer, because she's getting hurt about being excluded from events that aren't happening.

And then P gets wound up and in in his protective mode, and yells at me that M1 had better not get blamed for all this.

For all WHAT? I don't care. R doesn't care (just doesn't want me to be pissed at HER), and LB is all like "What?" In fact, a good thing came out of all this, since R and I realized we hadn't seen LB in a while and made dinner plans with her.

Jeesh.

Seriously, though - if this is the only crap I'm dealing with right now, then life is good. Bring on the Prosecco.

Time to see if I annihilated that character limit... hope everyone is doing well! Later!
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 11), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
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  #96  
Old 01-16-2014, 11:46 AM
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So last post was the rambling catch-up to where we are now. This post? The where-do-I-want-to-go-from-here. I'm not huge on New Year's Resolutions, but a list is a pretty good visual representation of changes I'd like to make, or continue. Where I can, I want to have a nice, discrete measurement rather than just saying "do this less" or "do that more".

So here goes:
  1. Start running regularly again. I'd like to be able to run another half marathon this year (and hopefully get P to the point where he can run it with me). Probably later in the year, so we're not training in the evil humid months. Oh, and use the damn treadmill when it's too gross outside!
  2. More water/tea, less soda. Maybe just move to two glasses/cans of soda a day at the most. It's usually workable during the week, but the weekends are what get me.
  3. Less booze. It's easy to lay off the soda and then pop a beer. Or a glass of wine. Wine is especially yum, so I drink more of it. Probably not the best. Aiming to fall within the "moderate drinking" guidelines of an average of one drink per day. It'll also make the grocery bills cheaper and will help me get up to run in the morning if I haven't ended the previous night with a couple glasses of wine (or the bottle, if I'm having one of THOSE days).
  4. Ease off the Facebook and the online stuff - hard to quantify, so I'll have to think about this a bit. I just find myself relaxing at night with the laptop and then doing absolutely nothing. I have plenty to do, and I'd like to actually do it.
  5. Read more - maybe a book a month would be a good start. I hate not reading anymore, except for here and there.
  6. More veggies, less starch - combine this with the next one:
  7. More home-made lunches and dinners. I've been improving on this, but once in a while, I end up buying lunch at the caf for a streak of days. And the caf food sucks. Take the time to use more veggies when I cook. Cut veggies up as snacks. That sort of thing. The easy stuff isn't the healthy stuff.
  8. Quit winding myself up about situations with P or M1 or whatever - I can roll scenarios over in my head repeatedly, to the point where I'm doing myself more harm than good. Time to work on embracing that "feel the emotions and then move on" philosophy discussed a few posts ago. Once I finally realize I'm chewing a bit too hard on something, and actually apply this, it seems to work. Saw a good "inspirational quote" on Facebook this morning (yeah, I usually don't care for them all that much ) that said, "Sometimes the best way to solve a problem is to stop participating in the problem." I need to stop participating in my own emotional roller coaster.
  9. Get back into learning the keyboard/piano. At least three days a week for 20 min to a half hour each. We'll see where it goes from there.
  10. Quit dawdling in the morning, before work (again, less surfing online) - get out of the house by 7:30, not futz around until I get to the point where I have to get my ass in gear and hurry the hell up.

Okay, THAT should be enough. I distracted myself and the wood stove went out. D'oh. Off to heat the house!
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 11), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk

Last edited by YouAreHere; 01-16-2014 at 12:01 PM. Reason: Ow. Splinter under my fingernail. Ow. Ow. OW.
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  #97  
Old 02-03-2014, 05:32 PM
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Hurt my lower back a couple weeks ago, making it nigh-impossible to get to some of the things on my "resolution list" or even to get to some of the normal day-to-day stuff that needs to get done at home. Ugh. It's improving, but not there yet, and now the one form of regular physical activity I get (spinning classes) are now on hiatus until I can get back on a bike for 45 minutes without hurting my back even more.

Boo.

Time to become one with my treadmill and start walkin' (cue Nancy Sinatra music).

Getting out of my holiday funk (had way too much "together time" with everyone) and finally being a bit more friendly on Facebook with M1. When I've hit my limit of together time, I tend to just back off from her in person/correspondence after a while, especially since she's always all over Facebook and I don't really have any other way to get a "break" (*). At that point, it's time to curl up with P and look inward - to our "little us" rather than the "big us" - for a while, until that need to reconnect diminishes a bit.

It's what she hated when she was trying to be closer friends (repeated emotional push/pull), but now that there's no pressure to be besties, I'm not feeling as awful about it. Coming back of my own accord feels better than coming back because I feel badly about hurting her feelings. I'm trying to get out of the habit of acting out of guilt as opposed to acting out of my own reasons. Hooray for baby steps, I guess.

In other news, P is dating someone else again. She seems pretty nice, and someone I'd actually be friends with OUTSIDE of her relationship with P, so that's a plus. She's an old-school anime fan, so that gives her a bunch of bonus points with me. Her husband is dating M1 (and she is also dating M1) as well, so it ends up diagramming out like a square with a diagonal line between AnimeGal (henceforth known as AG (**)) and M1 (with the little spur between me and P hanging off one of the vertices). I'm actually looking forward to meeting her in person (so far, we've friended each other on FB), and think that when we do, it won't have that "meet the parents" feel that it kind of did when I met M2. Fingers crossed.

So... looking at more snow (some models are saying 15") for Wednesday, and P's arranging the schedule so that he can be here with me (as the reigning Lady of the Bad Back) when the majority of the snow hits, which I appreciate much, even though we now have a working snowblower. If you think scheduling a poly relationship with two differently-located co-primaries sounds hard, try adding two sets of kids and their activities AND snowstorms into the mix. GAH! Between the kids' calendar I share with my ex, my own personal calendar, and the shared calendar between P, M1, and myself, my poor Google Calendar looks like it exploded. As the one who suggested the calendar in the first place, I feel such a love-hate relationship with it at times, it's scary.

Such is life, I guess. It's better than having the same obligations, but not knowing what or when they are!

Okay... Back to work for me. And time to get up and walk around and loosen up the back some. Sheesh...

~~

(*) For a long time, I've felt perplexed by M1's behavior on FB versus real-life. She's an introvert in person and quiet (very quiet) in group social settings. On FB, she seems very extraverted - posting, sharing, commenting, etc. in very demonstrative, "big" ways. Back in the early days of our relationship, I used the words "over the top" and triggered P's protective anger for a bit. I still feel that way from time to time, and that doesn't really help my being able to relate to her. I know introverts sometimes feel protected online, in a way, like it's a social safe zone, but I don't "get" it, and it's just one of those things that makes it so tough to relate to her. Not that she's doing anything wrong... just that my perception is of two different people sometimes, and it's very hard to reconcile.

(**) I started to go with "AnimeLady" but hated the fact that it abbreviated to AL and would sound like a guy.

~~

Edited to add:
Writing down the above about M1 (the introverted IRL / extraverted online) made me think about it a bit more. I don't like feeling like she's being duplicitious (I'm pretty sure she's not), and figured I'd poke around a bit to see if the whole "introverts on social media" had been looked into before.

Of course it has. This is the age of the Internet, after all.

Found this link and a few others: http://introvertretreat.com/195/is-s...rted-activity/

Nothing all that amazingly special or scientific about it, but this quote made sense to me:
Quote:
In my opinion, social networking is the middle ground between introverted activities and extraverted activities. It gives introverts a chance to network with others, on a business or personal level, while remaining in our own comfortable world, and it allows extraverts to stay connected with the outside world at times they would otherwise be alone.
If I'm alone (snowstorm, for example) with little to do, I go stir crazy. If I can't get out, I'm online. I *need* to connect with people. So I didn't understand how someone who gets their "recharge" from being alone would want to be all over FB as well. For me, it's a (lackluster) replacement for in-person social activity. For her, I'm guessing, it's a very different animal.

We all see things through our own filters. It's interesting to read articles written from someone else's POV. Much like why I'm on Poly boards.
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 11), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk

Last edited by YouAreHere; 02-03-2014 at 10:33 PM. Reason: Added the Social Media / Introversion link...
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  #98  
Old 02-07-2014, 08:07 PM
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alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
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Originally Posted by YouAreHere View Post
If I'm alone (snowstorm, for example) with little to do, I go stir crazy. If I can't get out, I'm online. I *need* to connect with people. So I didn't understand how someone who gets their "recharge" from being alone would want to be all over FB as well. For me, it's a (lackluster) replacement for in-person social activity. For her, I'm guessing, it's a very different animal.

We all see things through our own filters. It's interesting to read articles written from someone else's POV. Much like why I'm on Poly boards.
I empathize with this. I think I'm 50/50 intro and extroverted. I have phases where all my communication was online and just happy, content being stuck in a bubble. Then at times, I get the stir crazy, gonna climb the walls feeling that I'm going to go crazy if I'm stuck at home (Fridays always does this to me).

When I'm in my introvert mode, I recall I was all over fb. Now when I'm in this mode, I just don't have the time to post but am still lurking around.

With strangers, I'm a huge extrovert. My kids get embarrassed that I'll just start a conversation with any one.

Sorry I'm rambling...just wanted to point out some people do have split personality tendencies with this virtual medium called the internet even if in person they only have one personality.
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Old 02-07-2014, 09:57 PM
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Originally Posted by alibabe_muse View Post
I empathize with this. I think I'm 50/50 intro and extroverted. I have phases where all my communication was online and just happy, content being stuck in a bubble. Then at times, I get the stir crazy, gonna climb the walls feeling that I'm going to go crazy if I'm stuck at home (Fridays always does this to me).

When I'm in my introvert mode, I recall I was all over fb. Now when I'm in this mode, I just don't have the time to post but am still lurking around.

With strangers, I'm a huge extrovert. My kids get embarrassed that I'll just start a conversation with any one.

Sorry I'm rambling...just wanted to point out some people do have split personality tendencies with this virtual medium called the internet even if in person they only have one personality.
I appreciate you sharing your POV, since it really threw me for a loop when seeing it in M1, especially when she's so quiet in group social situations (even with strangers).

I tend to be a little territorial too (I'd say "Yeah, duh, I'm Mono" but I don't think it's just being mono - I think it's just being ME ), so when I see M1 all over Facebook, especially all over P's stuff on Facebook, I tend to see it as marking her territory, which makes me both feel like I need to do the same, but aggravated because I don't want to do the same and it would feel unnatural to do it, so I end up bent out of shape feeling like she's planted her flag on Planet P, and I'm sitting off to the side, invisible.

I know from talking with her that she's NOT territorial, and not actively doing this, so I do keep just dealing with the emotions and moving on, but it's funny how different world views and different social interaction styles can cause conflict without ever meaning to.

The part of me that geeks out over psychology is fascinated with this stuff, though, even when it causes me grief. It's actually fun when I can put the emotional, personal side down and look at this as an outside observer.

Always an adventure...
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 11), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
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  #100  
Old 02-07-2014, 10:40 PM
SnowCrystal SnowCrystal is offline
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It is so refreshing to see I am not alone. I am almost feeling forced into a polygamous relationship that I do not want to be in. I am straight monogamous, and he is poly... it is hard. He wants a partner with us other that just us. The other problem is the other girl, him and myself all live together, and I just do not know what to do.
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