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  #1  
Old 02-07-2014, 08:45 AM
M7J8Y M7J8Y is offline
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Default Advice? Mutual interest but possible 3rd is keeping me at a distance.

Thanks everyone. Especially Bookbug. I think I already knew the answer but needed to hear... er... read it from someone else.

Last edited by M7J8Y; 02-07-2014 at 01:47 PM. Reason: Resolved
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  #2  
Old 02-07-2014, 10:25 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by M7J8Y View Post

So my question is this: Does anyone have any experience with this kind of situation? How can I expect this to pan out? I'm a really firm believer in letting go of the people you love and letting them stay with or leave you as makes them happy, but I also want to let her know how I feel (which is that she's worrying too much and that we could be good together without threatening her relationship with her boyfriend) without jeapordizing our friendship. Does anyone have any tips on this?

Thanks!
MJY
While I appreciate your assertion that she may be worrying too much, how can YOU be sure how a relationship with you is going to affect HER emotionally? Just because you may be able to deal with it, doesn't mean she can. Absolutely, you should talk to her about it, but if your hypothesis is correct, and she says she is afraid to get too involved because she knows eventually it will mean a choice and losing someone she has become attached to, if you really do care for her, you will respect her boundaries.
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  #3  
Old 02-07-2014, 10:39 AM
Octopus Octopus is offline
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It sounds like she's made it pretty clear she is not interested in anything but friendship with you at this point. I suggest you respect that. Second-guessing her motivations or thoughts probably won't get you anywhere.
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Old 02-07-2014, 10:40 AM
M7J8Y M7J8Y is offline
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I do care for her and I certainly respect her boundaries. Thus far I've been avoiding bringing up the subject because I don't want to talk her into something she is uncomfortable with, or have her think that I am trying to do so. But I think it's fair for me to be able to express how I feel too, and to at the very least ask for more information in order to get some closure.

To be completely honest, if my hypothesis is correct then we've had a role reversal: earlier on I was the one worrying too much about whether I would get too attached and get hurt later on. While she was patient in waiting for me to sort that out, she also pointed out that I was worrying about it more than I should.

My question was not "How do I get her to do what I want?". It was "Does anyone have any tips for how to talk about the topic that will help us both express ourselves without hurting each other or threatening our friendship?."

I do thank you for looking out for her.
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Old 02-07-2014, 01:09 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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I still am not sure what you want. She has changed her mind, she has expressed it, so why do you still need to communicate more on that topic? She seems to be self aware enough to know that pursuing a relationship with you might cause her some emotional difficulties.

You need to be emotionally honest, she is in no position, nor is it fair, to expect her to help you process your feelings about it. Talk to your partner or blog about it but leave her alone.
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Old 02-07-2014, 02:00 PM
M7J8Y M7J8Y is offline
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Natja, to answer your question, I have had wonderful experiences talking to friends in the poly community before and getting excellent communication tools. Unfortunately none of those really apply to going from more-than-friends back to friends and I was hoping someone had some suggestions (other than "give her space", which in my experience doesn't work).

I am not looking to ask her to help me process through it beyond giving me a complete picture from her side of things and possibly listening to my side of things (something that we weren't able to do when she told me she had changed her mind). Blogging or talking to my partner don't fill in the information gaps... they are only speculation, which, if anything, will make it harder to stay friends (something we both want very much). In my experience, politely exchanging viewpoints is a good way of resolving this kind of issue. I was hoping for tools to help smooth that process out.
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Old 02-07-2014, 02:56 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Are you saying that because your feelings are hurt and you don't have closure you are unable to be a friend to her?

I really am not sure you can say anything to her which might not feel like pressure and you disrespecting her boundaries. The only thing I can suggest is to write her an email and ask for a complete picture and make sure you don't use it as an excuse to reply back with "But, but, but, but..that won't happen..." Remember desperation is the biggest turn off out there so it won't help your cause, it would just validate her reasons for pulling back.
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Old 02-07-2014, 03:38 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Default Dirty delete

Note: I'm not a mod, just my opinion.

I hate it when the OP deletes their original message. If you are that concerned about privacy don't post at all. Other people might be in similar situations and could learn from your thread. That possibility is now gone without the original context. Plus it's just rude.
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Old 02-07-2014, 04:06 PM
M7J8Y M7J8Y is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Natja View Post
Are you saying that because your feelings are hurt and you don't have closure you are unable to be a friend to her?

I really am not sure you can say anything to her which might not feel like pressure and you disrespecting her boundaries. The only thing I can suggest is to write her an email and ask for a complete picture and make sure you don't use it as an excuse to reply back with "But, but, but, but..that won't happen..." Remember desperation is the biggest turn off out there so it won't help your cause, it would just validate her reasons for pulling back.
No, that's not what I'm saying at all. What I'm saying is that being a friend to her would be easier with closure. It would help me understand her boundaries better and evaluate whether or not I need to set up boundaries of my own.

I appreciate your suggestion, although I know I have the tools (it never hurts to ask for more) to have this conversation in person. You're right, desperation never helps the cause (part of why I prefer in-person to email) for getting back together or for staying friends. I'll keep that in mind. Thank you.

Opalescent: I'm sorry, I deleted the original post because I felt that it was being taken out of context anyway and that it wouldn't be of much help to myself or anyone else. If you or someone you know (or anyone else reading this) might be in a similar situation based on the title, feel free to PM me and I'll do what I can to explain the context.
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