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Old 02-07-2014, 01:52 PM
ate2007 ate2007 is offline
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Default Am I crazy?

Hi everyone. I'm a lurker and decided to post with my particular problem....So last year or so, the hubby and I decided to slowly open up our relationship to poly. Previously, we had been mono for 7 years. Anyhow, we've made a couple mistakes but we have learned from our mistakes along the way. We've established rules and boundaries and have improved our communication. I do believe we have solid foundation for our poly journey.

Anyhow, I'm bi, by the way. So after searching for almost a year, I found a great young lady and I like her alot. I can totally see falling in love with her some day. What's problem, right? Well, hubby has finally found someone. And....I don't want him with other women. LOL, Crazy right? I'm being hypocritical, I know. I can be with other women but he can't ?! He totally supports me being bi and being with women. I just can't wrap my head around it.

We've come to the agreement that he can pursue her and see what happens. But I'm still not sure about it. Am I crazy? I do believe I'm poly so why am I struggling with the idea of him being and loving another woman? How can I get over this? Can I ever be happy that he's found someone else?

I want him to be happy, of course, which is why I agreed to him pursing this lady. What's my problem?!

I am in contact with the lady as well via FB. I thought maybe getting to know her would help. Is this ok?

Please don't beat me up over this. I am truly looking for advice to help me become more comfortable with the idea.

Thank you!
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  #2  
Old 02-07-2014, 03:27 PM
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SouthernGal SouthernGal is offline
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Trying to get to know her is not bad unless she doesn't want contact. It can actually make things easier. Being jealous is not crazy. It's an indicator that something is "off" about the situation. Maybe you are afraid or insecure. Is your relationship with hubby strong? Are your needs currently being met? If not, what needs to change? Are you worried he might like her better or leave you? That you will not have as much time with him or less sex? Any number of other concerns can play into it. You are not doing it wrong just because you have feelings. Those are natural. Try to track them down, though. Visualize different scenarios, dates, sex, pillow talk, etc. To help you figure out which things bother you and which don't. Then you can start making a plan on how to deal with the triggers or identify problems that need to be corrected to help everyone be happy. You should probably also let your husband know you are dealing with jealousy but assure him you are working on it. Take things slow and give yourself time. Most o f all, give yourself a break. If you're not engaging in psychotic behavior, jealousy does not mean you're crazy or doing anything wrong. It just means you have room to grow or have picked up on a problem you haven't consciously faced yet.
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Me - Mostly mono female, 39 yrs old, married to Leo.
Leo - Poly bi-sexual male, 37 years old. Married to me and looking.
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Old 02-07-2014, 04:35 PM
ate2007 ate2007 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SouthernGal View Post
Trying to get to know her is not bad unless she doesn't want contact. It can actually make things easier. Being jealous is not crazy. It's an indicator that something is "off" about the situation. Maybe you are afraid or insecure. Is your relationship with hubby strong? Are your needs currently being met? If not, what needs to change? Are you worried he might like her better or leave you? That you will not have as much time with him or less sex? Any number of other concerns can play into it. You are not doing it wrong just because you have feelings. Those are natural. Try to track them down, though. Visualize different scenarios, dates, sex, pillow talk, etc. To help you figure out which things bother you and which don't. Then you can start making a plan on how to deal with the triggers or identify problems that need to be corrected to help everyone be happy. You should probably also let your husband know you are dealing with jealousy but assure him you are working on it. Take things slow and give yourself time. Most o f all, give yourself a break. If you're not engaging in psychotic behavior, jealousy does not mean you're crazy or doing anything wrong. It just means you have room to grow or have picked up on a problem you haven't consciously faced yet.
Thank you for responding. I'm not sure of where the jealousy is coming from. But I will search myself and find out why I feel the way I do. The lady and I have been talking via FB and we're getting along great. She's looking forward to getting to know each other. I do feel better after speaking with her.
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Old 02-07-2014, 04:36 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Are you saying you are more comfortable with your hubby dating the same woman you date? And not dating some other woman?

Could it be "fear of the unknown stranger" then?

Because you know the one you are dating and if he dates her too then she's "known."

Don't know if any of this helps you to articulate what it is you feel:

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/im...ed_10-6-10.pdf
http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/p.../jealousy.html

Galagirl
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Old 02-07-2014, 04:41 PM
ate2007 ate2007 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Are you saying you are more comfortable with your hubby dating the same woman you date? And not dating some other woman?

Could it be "fear of the unknown stranger" then?

Because you know the one you are dating and if he dates her too then she's "known."

Galagirl
It can be either way really. I lean towards being more comfortable a lady dating us but it is not necessary either. Does that make sense?
Yes, I think it is the fear of the unknown. I'm perfectly fine with him dating people I/we know and am familiar with. It's just women I don't know that unsettles me.
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