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  #21  
Old 02-06-2014, 10:42 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Originally Posted by alibabe_muse View Post
bassman also thinks that once I'm involved with another this whole anxiety feelings will disappear. I can't say it will or won't and who knows, he may then have "anxiety" of seeing me with another.
Frankly this just sounds a bit insulting. "Your just jealous! Once you have a new toy, you will stop asking me to be considerate of the situation." REALLY? Leaving you alone with the kids so they can have a make out session when it was supposed to be a group family time is just rude. Maybe he thinks that you won't care that he dumps the kids in your lap if someone else is there to help you. Sorry, I'm not impressed.
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  #22  
Old 02-06-2014, 10:50 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Bassman doesn't seem to have respect for your feelings or comfort level.

Everything seems to be based upon his wants and needs. He only makes concessions because he has to to get what he wants.
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40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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  #23  
Old 02-09-2014, 06:09 PM
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alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
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Friday I received a text from the hunter asking if we were still on for today. Seeing that shocked me a bit as I was under the impression bassman had discussed my anxiety with wild orchid and that I was not ready. Again my issue got lost in translation somewhere.

I text'd wild orchid asking if bassman had talked with her on their overnight. He had but did not explain my "triggers" PDA. She stated that would be hard for her to do as she does most of her management through touch & always hugs friends. In response I stated hugs there hugs leaving are not a big deal for me, that since no PDA for bassman and I in front of kids then there should not be PDA between them in front of kids & in this family environment, no sneaking off for alone time.

Wild orchid respects this so by Friday night I visualized tonight and zero anxiety thus I finally replied to the hunter we'd be there without beauty (16 yo is playing soccer in Western WA this weekend).

Although I see bassman as the one my comfort level should be discussed with directly & it is his place to either agree or disagree to help me through this and he always says we need to move at the pace of the slowest on acceptance, as the hinge in this V, he needs work on communicating. Wild orchid asked from now on when I get anxiety etc to discuss directly with her.

One cool aspect of wild orchid is she has been in my shoes but needs reminding of these feelings I get and then does have empathy. Bassman I do think is trying to be a good hinge but appears to worry too much on either of our feelings to really get to the point or successfully figure out a healthy resolution. I'm thinking for his birthday I'll be buying him some books to read, any suggestions that are out there on communicating paramour needs to all involved?

I worked a few hours yesterday and realized I will need to work today. Discussed with bassman that if he still wants to go with pnutt & princess I'm fine just he needs to be home by 9 for when beauty gets home. No idea if that's my family's plan today or not. Just waiting for bassman to get off work so I can go into work. Actually I think its a good idea he goes with the youngest two. Right now there's supposed to be a shift in responsibility levels while I'm working extra for tax season and maybe today's a good one...
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  #24  
Old 02-09-2014, 06:25 PM
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alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
Bassman doesn't seem to have respect for your feelings or comfort level.

Everything seems to be based upon his wants and needs. He only makes concessions because he has to to get what he wants.
This is true but it appears to be from my lack of empathy when we discussed poly half a year ago. He struggled badly and in a way, although he doesn't agree but his words do, payback from not changing my mind on poly. He struggled every morning but by afternoon was ok with the idea. Also, even though we had an open sexual relationship before poly he considers my encounters cheating. This is the funny part, he's the one who brought up me loving more than one (boyfriend PR when I first started posting here). Now he truly considers himself poly but isn't willing to let go of the past & brings up how I "forced poly on him". Honestly, even though he's in a relationship with wild orchid and does love her he's still insecure about me with another, fearing I'll leave him one day. Thinking about this insecurity of his makes me realize communication from me about my love for him will alleviate some of this and he needs more "touch" from me to truly feel it.

So yes, at this time, it is based in his wants & needs.
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