Concern over new poly relationship....
Ok, so I've found a woman that I'm really excited to say that I am now dating seriously. She (T) is married and her husband (D) is a great guy.
My concern is that while T and I are building a great foundation for a deep, loving relationship, D appears to be uncomfortable. D & T invited me to their house and we discussed in depth how everyone feels about the relationship with D doing most of the talking. I got the impression that D was trying to mark his territory or discourage from the development of a deep connection between myself and T.
In D's defense, he is a very cerebral individual and tends to process things very well. He is very articulate in his expressions and says exactly what is on his mind in a very clear and concise manner. He even went as far as to say that he IS NOT trying to discourage my relationship with T. At the same time, T wants D to be involved with a partner of his own, and he has no "desire" to do so. He's not OPPOSED to a relationship outside of their marriage, but he believes it would need to be an exceptional partner and the standards he has for this may be prohibitive to him finding one anytime soon.
T and I are continuing to move forward with our relationship (slowly, but still moving forward). T has expressed a desire to do so and I most certainly am enjoying the relationship as well and would like to explore it. T strongly believes as I do that there are not any reasons to label the relationship as "secondary" and her marriage as "primary" because it would feel as a limitation to T as to "how deep" she can go with me.
We're taking things slow and have not gotten sexual at this point. She has expressed interest in becoming sexual and has even expressed that she really wanted to spend the night at my house with me VERY soon. (even in a non-sexual context)
My concern is:
I feel like D is submitting to the desire of T to be polyamorous. T & D are a GREAT couple and I would never try to replace D in their relationship. I can see T and I becoming deeply connected fairly rapidly. D's concerns are that T is acting out of character since she started seeing me. I think this is partially related to NRE, which T agrees.
D believes that I need a "primary" partner to have my needs met and that if I do not, I may turn to T and depend on her too much to meet my needs. I know what I'm getting into as a single dating 1/2 of a married couple and I don't feel that this would be the case. However, I can understand D's concern on this.
I don't want D to get to a point where he gives T an ultimatum/demand that she stops seeing me and causes us to both be hurt by the loss of a great connection. D&T say that neither partner has any "veto" power, but I am not naive and know that when push comes to shove, their relationship IS priority (as it should be).
Also, T's daughter has expressed interest in meeting me and my daughter has expressed an interest in meeting T. (they're both teenagers, not younger children and are aware that this is a polyamorous dynamic)
Not sure how to proceed. I recognize that I am experiencing NRE pretty hard. I want to continue to nurture this relationship and go deeper with T, but I am scared that D will force the relationship to end. I've made an offer to D for him and I to spend some time together grabbing a beer and talking or doing something else socially to help build trust and communication between us.
One of the things that D said that really kind of struck me as disturbing was "I don't care about you or what you get out of this relationship, I'm only concerned that my wife get out of this relationship what she wants." As a secondary, I would almost expect that type of reaction, but I also believe this could be problematic. I should not be "tolerated" just for T. I would think that in an ideal situation, I would be desired by both T and D and viewed as an added value to their relationship. T has expressed that D and her have been more intimate physically since I started seeing T than they have been in the past several months. (Which I think is great)
Thoughts? Opinions? Should I continue to allow myself to go deeper in the relationship with T? Should I continue to engage D in a "friendship" type of manner to help him see that I'm not out to steal the show, so to speak? Should I allow the relationship to become sexual (which I know we both want)? Should I put the brakes on meeting her children or her meeting my children?
Has anyone else had a similar situation and if so, how did you handle it?
|advice needed, conflict, secondary, triad|