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Old 02-06-2014, 08:30 PM
BillNIndy BillNIndy is offline
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Question Concern over new poly relationship....

Ok, so I've found a woman that I'm really excited to say that I am now dating seriously. She (T) is married and her husband (D) is a great guy.

My concern is that while T and I are building a great foundation for a deep, loving relationship, D appears to be uncomfortable. D & T invited me to their house and we discussed in depth how everyone feels about the relationship with D doing most of the talking. I got the impression that D was trying to mark his territory or discourage from the development of a deep connection between myself and T.

In D's defense, he is a very cerebral individual and tends to process things very well. He is very articulate in his expressions and says exactly what is on his mind in a very clear and concise manner. He even went as far as to say that he IS NOT trying to discourage my relationship with T. At the same time, T wants D to be involved with a partner of his own, and he has no "desire" to do so. He's not OPPOSED to a relationship outside of their marriage, but he believes it would need to be an exceptional partner and the standards he has for this may be prohibitive to him finding one anytime soon.

T and I are continuing to move forward with our relationship (slowly, but still moving forward). T has expressed a desire to do so and I most certainly am enjoying the relationship as well and would like to explore it. T strongly believes as I do that there are not any reasons to label the relationship as "secondary" and her marriage as "primary" because it would feel as a limitation to T as to "how deep" she can go with me.

We're taking things slow and have not gotten sexual at this point. She has expressed interest in becoming sexual and has even expressed that she really wanted to spend the night at my house with me VERY soon. (even in a non-sexual context)

My concern is:
I feel like D is submitting to the desire of T to be polyamorous. T & D are a GREAT couple and I would never try to replace D in their relationship. I can see T and I becoming deeply connected fairly rapidly. D's concerns are that T is acting out of character since she started seeing me. I think this is partially related to NRE, which T agrees.

D believes that I need a "primary" partner to have my needs met and that if I do not, I may turn to T and depend on her too much to meet my needs. I know what I'm getting into as a single dating 1/2 of a married couple and I don't feel that this would be the case. However, I can understand D's concern on this.

I don't want D to get to a point where he gives T an ultimatum/demand that she stops seeing me and causes us to both be hurt by the loss of a great connection. D&T say that neither partner has any "veto" power, but I am not naive and know that when push comes to shove, their relationship IS priority (as it should be).

Also, T's daughter has expressed interest in meeting me and my daughter has expressed an interest in meeting T. (they're both teenagers, not younger children and are aware that this is a polyamorous dynamic)

Not sure how to proceed. I recognize that I am experiencing NRE pretty hard. I want to continue to nurture this relationship and go deeper with T, but I am scared that D will force the relationship to end. I've made an offer to D for him and I to spend some time together grabbing a beer and talking or doing something else socially to help build trust and communication between us.

One of the things that D said that really kind of struck me as disturbing was "I don't care about you or what you get out of this relationship, I'm only concerned that my wife get out of this relationship what she wants." As a secondary, I would almost expect that type of reaction, but I also believe this could be problematic. I should not be "tolerated" just for T. I would think that in an ideal situation, I would be desired by both T and D and viewed as an added value to their relationship. T has expressed that D and her have been more intimate physically since I started seeing T than they have been in the past several months. (Which I think is great)

Thoughts? Opinions? Should I continue to allow myself to go deeper in the relationship with T? Should I continue to engage D in a "friendship" type of manner to help him see that I'm not out to steal the show, so to speak? Should I allow the relationship to become sexual (which I know we both want)? Should I put the brakes on meeting her children or her meeting my children?

Has anyone else had a similar situation and if so, how did you handle it?
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  #2  
Old 02-06-2014, 09:37 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
He even went as far as to say that he IS NOT trying to discourage my relationship with T
What makes you not believe him?

Quote:
At the same time, T wants D to be involved with a partner of his own, and he has no "desire" to do so.
He's said he's not opposed, but hasn't come across anyone who stirs his fancy. What does him dating at this time at random do for her? He has to have a date to "prove" how ok he is to be in polyship? Baffling.

Quote:
I feel like (think) D is submitting to the desire of T to be (in a) polyamorous (relationship).
Blue edits mine. I think that is what you mean. I could be wrong, so correct if you like.

What makes you think he is not participating here for himself and from a place of "joyful yes?" And more like he's being taken along for the ride? You said before he speaks his mind straight up. See?

Quote:
he is a very cerebral individual and tends to process things very well. He is very articulate in his expressions and says exactly what is on his mind in a very clear and concise manner.
Could it be possible that you listening to T's anxiety or NRE la-la's and her expressing her want for him to date that is cranking you up?

Could ask him for clarification.

"Are you participating in this polyship because there is enjoyment in it for you? Or mainly you do it for T? How do you and I relating? As friends, or as polite metamours, but not esp friends?"

Quote:
"I don't care about you or what you get out of this relationship, I'm only concerned that my wife get out of this relationship what she wants."
Could ask him for clarification.
"When you say (the above) do you mean... That at this time you know her better than me. So your main concern at this time is her well being? Over time, could you see yourself caring about my well being as well as one of the participants in this polyship? Do you care about your well being as a participant in this polyship? Do you expect all polyship participants to be interested in the well being of the other participants? To what extent? "
Could not get more involved here til your get all the clarification you need to feel safe in continuing deeper. (ex: get sexual, let the kids interact, etc)

Y'all are still sniffing each other out. T is not a poly-single. She's a poly-married and comes as part of a package. Before you make serious commitment here you could check out the rest of the package that's on offer here. If it does not suit, could negotiate or bow out.

You are in a transitional time here. It's appropriate to feel a little weird right now until "the new normal" BECOMES normal.

You are there. You are the best one to determine if this is normal turbulence or something else.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-06-2014 at 09:57 PM.
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  #3  
Old 02-06-2014, 09:49 PM
BillNIndy BillNIndy is offline
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Quote:
What makes you not believe him?
I want to believe him, but what he says and how he "presents" it are very conflicting. He tells me in one sentence that he thinks this will end badly for me and I should be aware of this, but in the next sentence he said he wasn't trying to discourage me. I'm not saying that I don't believe him, but his statements paired with the "vibe" he gives off is concerning.

D has come out and said that his main curiosity or interest in poly was mainly for T's benefit. It's something she grew UP around and it is something she has a strong interest/belief in. She identifies as poly. I think he would not under normal circumstances. While he is very open minded and non judgmental, I just don't see it being a life choice for him. I think he'd be more inclined to be an "occasional" sexual partner in a non-mono friendship/relationship but not deep on the emotional connection. (Just my impression of his personality type from the BRIEF interaction I've had with him, I could be WAY off base)

I will continue to ask for clarification as things go forward. I want to be able to get clear answers regarding these questions. Thank you for the suggestions on how to ask these questions.

I would still love to hear others' experiences if they have ever had such an arrangement and how they worked through it (if they were able to).
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Old 02-06-2014, 10:07 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Thanks for more details.

Quote:
He tells me in one sentence that he thinks this will end badly for me and I should be aware of this
Sounds like he is AFRAID it will end badly. Could respond with
"Thank you. I appreciate your concern for my well being.
  • T could break up with me.
  • I could break up with her.
  • She could break up with you.
  • You could break up with her.
  • She could break up with BOTH of us.
  • Both of us could break up with her.

I am aware of these risks. I am prepared to deal with any of them. They are part of the price of admission here to polyship together. The polyship could end in various ways.

Did you want to talk about all this with T? Figure out what is the break up preferences are? So if the polyship has to end it can end WELL rather than badly? "
Quote:
in the next sentence he said he wasn't trying to discourage me.
Could say "Ok. Thanks."

To me he sounds like he wants to get the lay of the land so he can know what to expect. Can't predict every little thing, but figuring out how the preferred break up scene (if it has to happen) could happen WELL rather than horrible chaos sounds fine to me.

If you can't talk about it before you start the trip when you are still kicking the tires checking it all out... you prefer to be talking about after you bought the car, started the journey, and the fit hits the shan and you come to find there's no jack in the trunk?

I can't see how that is preferable. I actually don't mind talking about breaking up early on (nutty as it might sound) because if the potential has a freak out over just TALK?

I might not want to date them further and experience them in an actual break up having an even bigger freak out.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-06-2014 at 10:25 PM.
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  #5  
Old 02-07-2014, 09:50 PM
BillNIndy BillNIndy is offline
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Gala,

I have to give you credit, you're always so helpful with your advice! I really appreciate your responses and they have given me a lot to process!

Quote:
Sounds like he is AFRAID it will end badly.
After looking at the situation, that is something I can agree with. I think that he is concerned that IF it ends badly, it could be a detriment to their marriage. The truth is the loss of any deep relationship would be painful, even if there is another partner(s) to fall back on for support. I think there is also the possibility that the pain from the breakup could bleed over into their marriage and cause turmoil. I can see why this is an issue for D.

Quote:
Did you want to talk about all this with T? Figure out what is the break up preferences are? So if the polyship has to end it can end WELL rather than badly?
We have talked about the breakup preferences (briefly, but it has been discussed). We both (T & myself) believe that if a breakup was to happen that we would prefer that we remain close friends. I do, however, believe this is something we need to discuss more before going too far to work out how this would be accomplished without being uncomfortable or creating undue stress on anyone involved.

Quote:
If you can't talk about it before you start the trip when you are still kicking the tires checking it all out... you prefer to be talking about after you bought the car, started the journey, and the fit hits the shan and you come to find there's no jack in the trunk?
Very true. I completely agree that everyone must be able to have the "tough conversations". No one in the throws of NRE really wants to think about the possibility of the end of the relationship. It is hard to do when you are going through a period of your relationship that you just want to spend time with the new partner in loving/caring/flirting situations. (Not disagreeing with you, just easier said than done sometimes, but still necessary)

Again, Galagirl, I appreciate your insight into the situation! I've read many of your responses to people on this site and I really think that you do a lot of good in helping others wade through the difficulties/concerns of poly.

It seems as though you've experienced a vast majority of the situations that you discuss. If you don't mind me asking.... How long have you been poly and what form does your poly relationship(s) look like? (Again, not trying to be too personal and do not feel obligated to answer. It's just curiosity as to how you became so knowledgeable on the subject.)
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  #6  
Old 02-08-2014, 03:09 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Thank you. You are welcome.

Short version? Poly before I ever knew the word, enjoyed dating many when I was younger. Currently Closed through parenting and eldercare so it is just me and spouse right now. Maybe again one day but not at this time.

GG
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  #7  
Old 02-10-2014, 08:52 PM
JacksonCage JacksonCage is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BillNIndy View Post
"I don't care about you or what you get out of this relationship, I'm only concerned that my wife get out of this relationship what she wants."
Wow. This really helps me personally. I have a lot of respect for D for facing you. I need to do that same. I feel exactly like D does in relation to my wife's bf. I have no interest in even exchanging a text with the guy. However, if he could just "get" where I am coming from without my wife's filter, I think that would help he and I. Cool. Thanks man!
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  #8  
Old 02-13-2014, 04:25 AM
BillNIndy BillNIndy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JacksonCage View Post
Wow. This really helps me personally. I have a lot of respect for D for facing you. I need to do that same. I feel exactly like D does in relation to my wife's bf. I have no interest in even exchanging a text with the guy. However, if he could just "get" where I am coming from without my wife's filter, I think that would help he and I. Cool. Thanks man!
Hey Jackson,

I'm glad it helped you, but I think that in my situation that this was a very negative thing for me. (As it may be for your wife's BF)

No one wants to feel like they are simply tolerated. As a secondary partner, you want to feel valued by all metamours. It's not a good feeling to be told that someone "doesn't care" about your feelings or happiness. Just because you are separating the relationships doesn't mean it should be done in this manner.

If I was in D's spot and felt the way he did at this time, I think I would have handled the situation differently. I believe that I could have respectfully said, "I'm glad that you are really enjoying this relationship and so is my wife. I just wanted to let you know, however, that my main focus is on my wife's happiness. It's not that I don't care about your feelings, but ultimately, my relationship is with her and not you."

I feel that this would come off as being much less disrespectful as what was said to me. I think it is all in how the message is conveyed. (But, I'm still glad it helped you and I hope things work out well in your situation)
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Old 02-13-2014, 07:21 AM
JacksonCage JacksonCage is offline
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Well, I see your point. I can do my best to make him feel respected, as everyone wants to feel respected. However, the reality is that I really could care less about a guy who is messing with my wife. I do appreciate the words, and I will try to create an illusion of respect. Good point.
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  #10  
Old 02-14-2014, 12:16 AM
BillNIndy BillNIndy is offline
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Cool, wasn't trying to sway you one way or another, but in reality, if the relationship is something that your wife wants/enjoys it may even make it easier on her to relax and not feel the tension between you two.

And if the wife is happier..... you'll be happier, right?
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