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  #11  
Old 02-06-2014, 01:12 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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I think it's really important to realize as people that what we think are boundaries and what are actually boundaries are important. My brain doesn't always work well so I'll clarify.

Okay, so both hubby and boyfriend are stating they are uncomfortable with share time, living together or anything THAT close. Yet both say the closest they would be comfortable with is say, sharing a duplex. Hubby, me and kids on one side, boyfriend on the other. So in their minds, this would be comfortable for them. Yet, I don't get super excited and start looking for duplexes. Why? Because the reality might be different. Things need to go in stages.

Hubby calls it emotional yoga. He hears the phone and knows it's boyfriend. At first, uncomfortable and leaves the room, not sure if I need privacy or if he wants to hear anything. The next time the phone rings, less uncomfortable. Like stretching, he know doesn't care and sometimes won't even ask if it's boyfriend or a work friend because he just honestly doesnt' care!

So, you are uncomfortable now with this level of interaction. So don't do it! If you do want to try and build up to it, that's fine, that's your choice. Just try to remember uncomfortable is not a no, it might just be emotional yoga, if it's TOO uncomfortable or painful, yes, pull back, don't want to pull an emotional muscle.

Maybe it's a level of interaction you will NEVER want, and that's fine too. It's awesome that you are willing to entertain the idea. So discuss it, discuss what level of interaction you are willing to start with, I like the signal idea as well, kind of like tapping out when your energy is spent. If afterwards you relax and can look back and say, "Okay, well I could probably give that another go at another time and do better." Then great! You are stretching! If you look back and go, "Okay I never ever ever ever want to do that again!" Then fine, that's the point where stretching can be dangerous and hurtful and you stop.

Everyone is flexible to a different degree.
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  #12  
Old 02-06-2014, 05:11 PM
LoveBirds LoveBirds is offline
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Originally Posted by alibabe_muse View Post
I understand my metamour and her husband would like our families to be super close and they are very wonderful people but all of a sudden my anxiety is up and I realize I'm not ready for in person love share (being okay with watching my partner be all kissy with my metamour). I know some love this but for me personally I am just not there,yet. Maybe I will be and maybe I will never be.
The only reason my GF and I have ever considered being with other people was specfically to watch each other do it. It's a turn on as far as we are concerned. The anxiety is natural, it's a new stange thing. You gotta learn how to grab that energy and push forward. There is nothing to stop you and nothing wrong with any of it. If your relationship is strong nothing can destroy it. You can always watch some porn relating to the situations to kind of prep yourself. I hope this helps.
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  #13  
Old 02-06-2014, 05:14 PM
LoveBirds LoveBirds is offline
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Originally Posted by Vixtoria View Post
I think it's really important to realize as people that what we think are boundaries and what are actually boundaries are important. My brain doesn't always work well so I'll clarify.

Okay, so both hubby and boyfriend are stating they are uncomfortable with share time, living together or anything THAT close. Yet both say the closest they would be comfortable with is say, sharing a duplex. Hubby, me and kids on one side, boyfriend on the other. So in their minds, this would be comfortable for them. Yet, I don't get super excited and start looking for duplexes. Why? Because the reality might be different. Things need to go in stages.

Hubby calls it emotional yoga. He hears the phone and knows it's boyfriend. At first, uncomfortable and leaves the room, not sure if I need privacy or if he wants to hear anything. The next time the phone rings, less uncomfortable. Like stretching, he know doesn't care and sometimes won't even ask if it's boyfriend or a work friend because he just honestly doesnt' care!

So, you are uncomfortable now with this level of interaction. So don't do it! If you do want to try and build up to it, that's fine, that's your choice. Just try to remember uncomfortable is not a no, it might just be emotional yoga, if it's TOO uncomfortable or painful, yes, pull back, don't want to pull an emotional muscle.

Maybe it's a level of interaction you will NEVER want, and that's fine too. It's awesome that you are willing to entertain the idea. So discuss it, discuss what level of interaction you are willing to start with, I like the signal idea as well, kind of like tapping out when your energy is spent. If afterwards you relax and can look back and say, "Okay, well I could probably give that another go at another time and do better." Then great! You are stretching! If you look back and go, "Okay I never ever ever ever want to do that again!" Then fine, that's the point where stretching can be dangerous and hurtful and you stop.

Everyone is flexible to a different degree.
This is just my opinion. I think it works better when everyone lives together because it's easier to share emotions. I also think you should be sharing all those emotions with everyone and be comfortable with yourselves and others. For me I am not in this situation but soon to be having a GF that has a GF with any luck and I prefer to live together eventually. Just easier to share things as a family. Just my opinon. I don't mean any harm and I am not a pig. Just new here and we are both here. nice to meet you.
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  #14  
Old 02-06-2014, 05:23 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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Originally Posted by LoveBirds View Post
This is just my opinion. I think it works better when everyone lives together because it's easier to share emotions. I also think you should be sharing all those emotions with everyone and be comfortable with yourselves and others. For me I am not in this situation but soon to be having a GF that has a GF with any luck and I prefer to live together eventually. Just easier to share things as a family. Just my opinon. I don't mean any harm and I am not a pig. Just new here and we are both here. nice to meet you.


Many many people like the idea of living together. Eventually. The thing is, that may not work for everyone. I'm a puppy pile kind of person. I'm good sleeping in a bed or hanging out in a group and cuddling, the more the merrier! Of course, my love language is physical touch, so be a cuddler and I'm in!

I guess for me, I learned that there's what you picture, what you hope for, and there's realistic. Neither of my guys would be comfortable sharing a home with other men. Not because they would always be butting heads about who is the MAN of the house, but the opposite. Finding a way to have their own space and not infringe on the other. It's just the kind of men they are. Since the idea of all of us living together would mean both of them constantly uncomfortable in their own home, heads down, apologizing when they enter a room, I'M more comfortable with us not sharing a home! Really it's just taking into account that what YOU want is not necessarily what everyone else wants! Everyone is different.

Actually, I hear a lot of people unhappy with feeling like they are 'only secondary', yet I have a friend that when she found out we were poly decided to look into it. She's single, career driven, brilliant and in a large city. She met a couple, started dating the man, became friends with the woman and finds that it's the perfect situation! FOR HER. She likes not having to have a primary responsibility in a relationship. So really, totally about the individuals involved, not about what one person wants.
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  #15  
Old 02-06-2014, 05:28 PM
LoveBirds LoveBirds is offline
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Originally Posted by Vixtoria View Post
Many many people like the idea of living together. Eventually. The thing is, that may not work for everyone. I'm a puppy pile kind of person. I'm good sleeping in a bed or hanging out in a group and cuddling, the more the merrier! Of course, my love language is physical touch, so be a cuddler and I'm in!

I guess for me, I learned that there's what you picture, what you hope for, and there's realistic. Neither of my guys would be comfortable sharing a home with other men. Not because they would always be butting heads about who is the MAN of the house, but the opposite. Finding a way to have their own space and not infringe on the other. It's just the kind of men they are. Since the idea of all of us living together would mean both of them constantly uncomfortable in their own home, heads down, apologizing when they enter a room, I'M more comfortable with us not sharing a home! Really it's just taking into account that what YOU want is not necessarily what everyone else wants! Everyone is different.

Actually, I hear a lot of people unhappy with feeling like they are 'only secondary', yet I have a friend that when she found out we were poly decided to look into it. She's single, career driven, brilliant and in a large city. She met a couple, started dating the man, became friends with the woman and finds that it's the perfect situation! FOR HER. She likes not having to have a primary responsibility in a relationship. So really, totally about the individuals involved, not about what one person wants.
Everyone keeps talking about reality with this stuff. I think most people are just so envious of others and full of themselves that they cannot bare the though of happiness. I will def get there. It is a reality It will happen. I remember thinking I would never find a girl to fall in love with. Sigh......I love people. I wish everyone the best all the time.
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  #16  
Old 02-06-2014, 05:30 PM
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Originally Posted by LoveBirds View Post
This is just my opinion. I think it works better when everyone lives together because it's easier to share emotions. I also think you should be sharing all those emotions with everyone and be comfortable with yourselves and others. For me I am not in this situation but soon to be having a GF that has a GF with any luck and I prefer to live together eventually. Just easier to share things as a family. Just my opinon. I don't mean any harm and I am not a pig. Just new here and we are both here. nice to meet you.
I appreciate that your opinion works for you and for your situation, but I've found the word "should" to be extremely damaging when I use it to tell myself that I "shouldn't feel this way" or "should feel this other way." It minimizes what I DO feel until it all comes out in a volcanic eruption of emotion.

For me, this type of relationship wouldn't work. Or, I'd have to REALLY REALLY get along well with my metamour. I have no interest in sharing housing, as I don't want to limit my actions in my own home (walk around nekked if I want? SURE! Let the dishes pile up in the sink for a day when I'm feeling lazy? SURE!). For me, living as a family wouldn't be easier at all.

And if my partner and I are dealing with a problem that doesn't involve my metamour, I have no interest in dragging her into the middle of it (and I'm happy to not be dragged into the middle of their issues). If it's something that impacts all of us? Sure. Let's all get together and talk.

Not to give you grief here - just wanted to state that although your "shoulds" may work for you, they may not work for someone else. See the above "we're all individuals" post by LR.



(Obligatory Monty Python reference: "No we're not!")
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  #17  
Old 02-06-2014, 05:40 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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Originally Posted by LoveBirds View Post
Everyone keeps talking about reality with this stuff. I think most people are just so envious of others and full of themselves that they cannot bare the though of happiness. I will def get there. It is a reality It will happen. I remember thinking I would never find a girl to fall in love with. Sigh......I love people. I wish everyone the best all the time.
Wow, that's really judgmental. People are saying, what works for you and your group works and go for it! Just that it doesn't mean it works for everyone else. Just because you have discovered YOUR ideal doesnt' mean it is THE ideal and to say so is rude and demeaning to others that don't share your opinion. Telling someone they are just jealous or afraid because they dont' want what you want? Is a big red flag for me. It shows a disrespect to others around that may not share your beliefs or goals.
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  #18  
Old 02-06-2014, 06:00 PM
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Originally Posted by LoveBirds View Post
Everyone keeps talking about reality with this stuff. I think most people are just so envious of others and full of themselves that they cannot bare the though of happiness. I will def get there. It is a reality It will happen. I remember thinking I would never find a girl to fall in love with. Sigh......I love people. I wish everyone the best all the time.
The irony is that an overwhelming need for a closed OPP would tell most of us we have serious personal or relationship issues. Not to be envied.

People also suggested the most successful way they know to achieve a closed OPP which was dating separately but it triggered you and you shut down.
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  #19  
Old 02-06-2014, 06:35 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is online now
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Originally Posted by LoveBirds View Post
This is just my opinion. I think it works better when everyone lives together because it's easier to share emotions. I also think you should be sharing all those emotions with everyone and be comfortable with yourselves and others. For me I am not in this situation but soon to be having a GF that has a GF with any luck and I prefer to live together eventually. Just easier to share things as a family. Just my opinon. I don't mean any harm and I am not a pig. Just new here and we are both here. nice to meet you.
Honestly I find this statement offensive.

What works for you doesn't work for me.

I am very happy with my life. My happiness and that of my husbands would not exist with us all living under one roof.

My guys have no urge to share deep emotions with each other.
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  #20  
Old 02-06-2014, 08:48 PM
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alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
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bassman and I discussed this in more detail last night. I started fretting about not being respected as it seemed on Tuesday night when we discussed this he said "i'll compromise and just not be in this environment". Well that's not what I was looking for in a resolution. I really do enjoy their family and do want to be in a group family environment. I asked more questions about did he actually discuss with wild orchid or not (he did). Can they respect no touching, disappearing while we (bassman, our children and I) are there? Yes he said but he's worried that if I see him giving wild orchid some "look" I'll loose it. Looks I am okay with in this family environment just not disappearing, leaving me full of kid duties while they wonder off for a make out session. For now, we've agreed to table it. See how I'm doing in a few weeks. Basically if the thought of interacting causes me physical anxiety (which it did Monday) then we know I'm just not ready, yet.

It felt good to know my fluid boundary is respected at this time and as I'm able to acclimate to more in person interactions, we will try it on. If it doesn't work, then it doesn't work.

bassman also thinks that once I'm involved with another this whole anxiety feelings will disappear. I can't say it will or won't and who knows, he may then have "anxiety" of seeing me with another.

as far as sexually seeing each other with another. we've been there in the past and neither of us felt negative feelings, really enjoyed it, got super turned on; but then again, it was all about sex and not love.
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