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  #11  
Old 02-06-2014, 05:24 AM
CrowRaven7889 CrowRaven7889 is offline
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Thanks everyone. I think JaneQ's assessment most closely matches my own at this point and I agreed with everything that she said. I do have a fear that they might fall into the "relationship is broken; add more people" category.

Additionally, on some of the other points...

I told him when I agreed to do this coffee chat with her that if she said anything odd or anything that I thought he needed to hear, that I would pause it and call him in. Right now, my plan is to focus solely on my intentions and thoughts and not comment on their relationship (which, yes, in my opinion includes some serious jealousy and trust issues - on both sides) and focus on my intent and to see if there is anything that I'm doing wrong. Once again, I think it's a bit of a waste of time (my honest opinion is that nothing is going to change for better or worse as a result) but it means a lot to him so I'm willing to do this.

I do believe that her problem stems from my relationship with him moving too fast for her liking as well as trust issues between the two of them.

Yes, I believe fully that he loves both of us.

Lastly, I'm totally unconcerned about her retaliating or using written stuff as evidence in a divorce. They're very much "out of the poly closet" and are on record using their real names on the internet while talking about being poly. Her other male partner even lives with them.

Last edited by CrowRaven7889; 02-06-2014 at 05:59 AM.
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  #12  
Old 02-06-2014, 06:13 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CrowRaven7889 View Post
I told him when I agreed to do this coffee chat with her that if she said anything odd or anything that I thought he needed to hear, that I would pause it and call him in. Right now, my plan is to focus solely on my intentions and thoughts and not comment on their relationship (which, yes, in my opinion includes some serious jealousy and trust issues - on both sides) and focus on my intent and to see if there is anything that I'm doing wrong.
I am sure you're not doing anything wrong. I think your plan for the chat is a good one.
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  #13  
Old 02-06-2014, 07:17 AM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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So, she has a live-in boyfriend, but is jealous that he has feelings for you. Ugh. So typical, I read a quote, "Polyamory has no place for jealous hypocrites."

Point in case :-p
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  #14  
Old 02-06-2014, 01:26 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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She has a live-in bf as well as a husband, and is jealous of her husband having a gf?

I'd say, go meet with her. Personally I'd want my bf/her husband there. It sounds like you have a heavy agenda though, to somehow "prove" to her that you aren't out to steal her husband (a cowgirl). Are you his first gf? Isn't she sure he is poly? She thinks he is looking to replace her even though she hasn't replaced him with her bf? Odd.

Generally it can help a jealous spouse to meet their new partner. Somehow just meeting them can make them seem less of a threat. But having the agenda of proving you aren't a a cowgirl could definitely make you feel nervous. How do you prove a negative?

I'd try and keep the conversation light, just chit chat and getting to know each other. Might make you seem less demonic.
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  #15  
Old 02-06-2014, 02:56 PM
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I agree with Mags - I'd go meet, but I'd like to have my BF there as well. Then all parties are there for "the big talk" and your BF can address things that you may not be able to (if he's not meeting one of her needs, for example).
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Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
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  #16  
Old 02-06-2014, 02:56 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
She thinks he is looking to replace her even though she hasn't replaced him with her bf? Odd.
No, just very, very ordinary. If I were him, I'd be disappointed to find that out That she is like most people with poly....it's amazing how many people think poly means they can have multiple partners because they have "such a big heart," but see nothing wrong in denying that right to their partner(s). "I want lots of lovers all devoted just to me." Yeah, that's unique.
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  #17  
Old 02-06-2014, 03:28 PM
CrowRaven7889 CrowRaven7889 is offline
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I think the suggestion to just go ahead and have him there for the talk is a good one. I'll suggest that to him.

Honestly, I really don't think I've done anything wrong nor do I believe that I could convince her that I'm not a "cowgirl" (interesting term, never heard that one before). I'm going to state my case and then leave it at that. There is no point in engaging in an argument or getting defensive over things... although I'm worried that is what she will try to do.

He told me that she's nervous about this talk too, and that she told him that she thinks it's going to be a verbal beat-down session on her, which is like the exact opposite of my intent. I don't know what to make of that statement but it doesn't help me feel any better about the upcoming chat.
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  #18  
Old 02-06-2014, 03:33 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
He told me that she's nervous about this talk too, and that she told him that she thinks it's going to be a verbal beat-down session on her, which is like the exact opposite of my intent. I don't know what to make of that statement but it doesn't help me feel any better about the upcoming chat
You don't have to make anything of it.

Your hinge shared that she is afraid. Now you know her current emotional state. She's fearful. And? Was he trying to update you for a reason, or just making your aware?

You have no intent to scare her. Cool.

You could choose to let her know that now or at the chat. Or neither.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-06-2014 at 03:42 PM.
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  #19  
Old 02-06-2014, 03:37 PM
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Not to sound cynical, but this is also a very good reason to have your BF there with you. What she hears through her fear may be very different from what you end up thinking you've said. It'd be good to have all of you there if she feels she needs support, or she thinks you've said something hurtful that you didn't intend to come across in that manner.

Not that your BF should have to be a mediator, but having his own interpretation of the talk (rather than getting a she-said/she-said version) will be a good thing.
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Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 11), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
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  #20  
Old 02-06-2014, 03:54 PM
CrowRaven7889 CrowRaven7889 is offline
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I think he was letting me know that she was nervous about it too because I told him that I wasn't looking forward to it (I'd made some sort of joke about how I was anxious because we were going to have a heavy talk while Mercury was in retrograde, haha).

You guys are making a strong case for having him there too. I'm going to ask him to join.
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