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Old 02-05-2014, 10:47 PM
CrowRaven7889 CrowRaven7889 is offline
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Default Partner has asked me to have a talk with metamour...

My boyfriend of about six months has asked me to have a "serious chat" about intentions and whatnot with his wife. Apparently she is having some serious jealousy issues and is accusing him of trying to replace her with me. He seems to think that if I talk to her and reassure her that I'm not trying to replace her that it will help. I don't know why but his reassurances don't seem to be enough for her.

Without going into a long drawn out story about the drama that the two of them have created for each other over the last six months, let's just say that I have my doubts about how helpful this is going to be. I think this is a relationship problem between the two of them and the presence of a girlfriend (could be any woman that he fell in love with, in my opinion, and that it's not really about "me") has aggravated whatever baggage that they have in their past.

Nonetheless, I've agreed to meet her for coffee to have a "serious chat." I'm pretty nervous about this conversation. My current plan of action is to tell her that I have no intent of replacing her (or any intent of using her husband as a replacement for my own long-term partner), that I don't see us as rivals or competition, and that I was curious if there was anything that I could do to help.

My fear is that she's going to say "yes, you can stop seeing him." She's already told me one that she was "thinking about" asking him to put our (mine and his) relationship on hold because she thought it was moving too fast. She then turned around and asked me to not tell him this! So I did the only reasonable thing that I could think to do and just placed it in the "red flag - do nothing" folder in my brain.

I'm very much in love with my boyfriend, and while I don't want her to feel bad, I'm not going to end my relationship with him because she's uncomfortable. If he decides to end it with me for that reason, that's a different story altogether and his choice. However, I'm not making a decision about our relationship that he wasn't a part in.

Anyways, I'm not looking forward to this coffee chat at all and was wondering if anyone had any advice to share on this.
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Old 02-05-2014, 10:50 PM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Honestly a nice email should suffice. I personally wouldn't do a coffee date if I didn't want to.
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Old 02-05-2014, 10:54 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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First, I'd be careful about putting ANYTHING in writing. You never know how she'll use it against you.

Secondly, I will discuss this matter with you, privately, if you would like some help. I've been in a similar situation
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Old 02-05-2014, 10:55 PM
CrowRaven7889 CrowRaven7889 is offline
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Haha, I've tried the email/text route before. For some reason, no matter what I say or what she says, we don't seem to understand each other without the tone of voice and other non-verbal cues. Besides, it clearly means a lot to my boyfriend so I don't want to say no...
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Old 02-06-2014, 12:02 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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So have him come too? So there's no triangulation?

Everyone read poly hell together?

Maybe it is easier to look at something one line at a time and ask "Any of that happening here for anyone?" rather than ask someone to articulate something they cannot articulate on their own and then they go all "deer in the headlights."

And is it that (him+you) is going too fast or that (him + her) is going untended? Don't pay too much attention to the words -- look for the feeling behind the words. Sometimes people in emotional funk don't articulate well. Just repeat back what you hear to her in your own way and ask for clarification.

"When you say ____, do you mean that _____?"

I don't know if either of those could help.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-06-2014 at 12:07 AM.
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Old 02-06-2014, 12:24 AM
LoveBirds LoveBirds is offline
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Sounds like he's in love with both of them. Which is fine, but if the wife has a problem I think it's up to her and her husband. Depends on how bad you want be with her husband again.
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Old 02-06-2014, 12:24 AM
Cohagen Cohagen is offline
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Sounds like what I've warned people about, it only works for a little while till one partner feels less worthy than the other.

Best thing to do is put a stop to your relationship lest the wife seriously retaliates. She already feels threatened by you so nothing you or your bf/ her husband can say or do will ease her feelings about you and your place in his heart.
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Old 02-06-2014, 12:46 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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She doesn't trust her husband to do the right thing.

So how is your meeting with her going to fix her mistrust in her husband.
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Old 02-06-2014, 01:51 AM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
She doesn't trust her husband to do the right thing.

So how is your meeting with her going to fix her mistrust in her husband.
Thata what in thinking if emailing/text didnt woek idk what a face to face will make. Could make her insecurity even worse
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Old 02-06-2014, 02:58 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cohagen View Post
Sounds like what I've warned people about, it only works for a little while till one partner feels less worthy than the other.

Best thing to do is put a stop to your relationship lest the wife seriously retaliates. She already feels threatened by you so nothing you or your bf/ her husband can say or do will ease her feelings about you and your place in his heart.
Ermm...What?!

Certainly, insecurities about "worthiness" can come to to fore-front as people explore poly relationships. This is why it is often stressed that existing relationships need to be rock-solid and good communication established before embarking on poly practice (as opposed to poly theory). "Relationship broken, add more people." is a recipe for disaster.

******

To the OP:

I agree with the posters who say that any problems in their relationship really need to be addressed by the people IN that relationship. I also agree with your decision to NOT end the relationship preemptively.

Personally, I would go to the coffee chat, even if I thought it was likely to do no real good. I think it would be unlikely to do any more harm and many people seem to find that meeting/talking to/getting to know their metamour helps flesh them out as a "real person" and not an amorphous/fantasy threat. Your boyfriend, at least, seems to think that it might help and I tend to view an uncomfortable hour or two as a "small price" for trying to help someone I care about.

Of course, I am also leery of putting (possibly incriminating) words in writing (if they could be used against me or someone I care about - say, in divorce proceedings) so I prefer FTF or phone conversations for sensitive topics (plus the benefit of clearer communication with the addition of non-verbal cues).

JaneQ
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Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
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