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Old 02-05-2014, 06:43 AM
LadyLigeia LadyLigeia is offline
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Default My Partner is Jealous of (Potential) Sugar Daddy

Hi, everyone! Please help me with this. Next month, I'll have been with my partner for nine years. We have a very open relationship and I've hooked him up with many women in the past. Honestly, I hook him up quite actively. I enjoy it when others get to enjoy him because there is only one of him!

With that said, I've also been enduring financial hardships due to - PLOT TWIST - student loans. I've been trying to find a good job but as of now, I'm working minimal hours at a job that I hate. What I hate more is everyone telling me, "It's a paycheck! Just deal with it!" I understand where they are coming from, but there's nothing more disheartening than sending out my resume all day and receiving no response. My father has a grueling job that pays the bills very well but it's a lot of stress on his body, mind and soul. He's always talking about how hard it is. I am so traumatized by what I've seen him go through at this high-paying but so grueling, that I have lost all interest in having kids and cultivated a very hedonistic philosophy towards life. Even when the bills were all satisfied, my dad was always very stressed about money and the mere thought of being in debt drives me insane. The loan companies expect me to pay almost 950 a month and although it's gotten better, my dad sometimes guilts me about not being able to pay it and being shitty at the menial jobs I've been getting. (I have skills, but none that match the workplaces I've been getting in.) I'm also worried about my dad's health and don't want the strain or stress to shorten his life. Although he's mostly loving, his job often shortens his temper threshold and he rages. As in, he yells and berates. I'm really grateful to have food/shelter and I love him, but it's so stressful not making money. Sometimes, thinking about my finances makes me feel suicidal. It used to happen more often than it does and it's gotten better since I stopped crucifying myself for not being able to find a job.

I used to work as a Pro-Domme and developed personal relationships with clientele while they were still giving me money. I used to cam, but felt bad doing it under my parents roof. I'm into older men and love to make people happy. If it would make someone happy to help me out in a legal way, then all the better. I used to struggle with financial domination and even asking dates or clients to buy me stuff because I grew up seeing my dad's pain and my mom's reckless spending. It was basically financial abuse. I'm not a golddigger at heart. I rejected one of my best friends, a secret millionare, because I didn't feel that way about him and money honestly doesn't turn me on. I just can't standing feeling helpless or suicidal anymore.

After getting rejecting from one job I really wanted and finding out that another was a scam, I was devastated. Scared for the future, I signed up for SeekingArrangement.com and started my adventure.

The thing is, my boyfriend is upset by it because he doesn't like the idea of someone else financially supporting me. He is not at all controlling and nothing but supportive, but he doesn't like the idea of someone being my "daddy" or whatever. I tried to explain my point of view to him - how my anxiety over finances has been very detrimental to my life, my previous friendships with actual submissive clients I genuinely got along well with, such as the one who wanted to take me on a cruise - but he's still really uncomfortable with it. Now, he's even said that he doesn't want my parents coming to our wedding because of how much he thinks they've screwed up my thinking. (We're not planning on getting married anytime soon - It was hypothetical.) I tried to tell him that sugar daddies usually want genuine intimacy but also want a casual romance where they provide help out of their own volition, but he still disapproves. I don't want to upset him, but I've been chatting with two guys I've met on there who seem really great. One wants to give me 350 on our first date, no sex or anything like that. I'm a total newb but I understand that sugar relationships aren't entirely transactional and totally legal. After all, I('d) go by the intensity of the connection as opposed to getting with any Dick, Tom and Harry who came around.

I would REALLY love your insight. We don't restrict eachother's sexual or emotional autonomy but he also is upset because he knows that financial distress led me to do this, although I've clearly told him the other reasons. I don't truly understand how this is different. He said it's because someone gets to say that they are my "daddy" and he overall disapproved. I told him that it's not like I ever wish that he made more money and it's not a reflection of his inadequacy. I know he desperately wants to get his own place so that I can move in and finally live in true peace. I am just always afraid of getting yelled at in my current situation. I'm always paranoid and walking on eggshells.

Please help! This forum has given me the best relationship advice and insight, help which FAR exceeds the help I've gotten from any other community I've been involved with. You guys are seriously the best and I love how you go to such lengths to extend guidance. You are the only people I know of who would understand.

Last edited by LadyLigeia; 02-05-2014 at 06:46 AM. Reason: Singing the praises of this forum
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  #2  
Old 02-05-2014, 08:45 PM
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alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LadyLigeia View Post
Hi, everyone! Please help me with this. Next month, I'll have been with my partner for nine years. We have a very open relationship and I've hooked him up with many women in the past. Honestly, I hook him up quite actively. I enjoy it when others get to enjoy him because there is only one of him!

With that said, I've also been enduring financial hardships due to - PLOT TWIST - student loans. I've been trying to find a good job but as of now, I'm working minimal hours at a job that I hate. What I hate more is everyone telling me, "It's a paycheck! Just deal with it!" I understand where they are coming from, but there's nothing more disheartening than sending out my resume all day and receiving no response. My father has a grueling job that pays the bills very well but it's a lot of stress on his body, mind and soul. He's always talking about how hard it is. I am so traumatized by what I've seen him go through at this high-paying but so grueling, that I have lost all interest in having kids and cultivated a very hedonistic philosophy towards life. Even when the bills were all satisfied, my dad was always very stressed about money and the mere thought of being in debt drives me insane. The loan companies expect me to pay almost 950 a month and although it's gotten better, my dad sometimes guilts me about not being able to pay it and being shitty at the menial jobs I've been getting. (I have skills, but none that match the workplaces I've been getting in.) I'm also worried about my dad's health and don't want the strain or stress to shorten his life. Although he's mostly loving, his job often shortens his temper threshold and he rages. As in, he yells and berates. I'm really grateful to have food/shelter and I love him, but it's so stressful not making money. Sometimes, thinking about my finances makes me feel suicidal. It used to happen more often than it does and it's gotten better since I stopped crucifying myself for not being able to find a job.
My response is only in regards to your financial student loan situation. Have you applied for a deferment or forebearance? There are financial hardships, unemployment ones (even if you don't receive unemployment as long as you are registered with your state's unemployment department you would get that deferment) or even asking to be put on the ICR (income contingent repayment plan). I am currently on the ICR and my monthly payment is $0 for 12 months. What is nice about the ICR and a zero payment is when you do have extra money you can pay even if no payment is due.

You do have options to get this stress minimized you just need to be proactive and contact your student loan company.
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  #3  
Old 02-05-2014, 09:17 PM
LadyLigeia LadyLigeia is offline
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Originally Posted by alibabe_muse View Post
My response is only in regards to your financial student loan situation. Have you applied for a deferment or forebearance? There are financial hardships, unemployment ones (even if you don't receive unemployment as long as you are registered with your state's unemployment department you would get that deferment) or even asking to be put on the ICR (income contingent repayment plan). I am currently on the ICR and my monthly payment is $0 for 12 months. What is nice about the ICR and a zero payment is when you do have extra money you can pay even if no payment is due.

You do have options to get this stress minimized you just need to be proactive and contact your student loan company.
Yes, I/we did try. They actually kept changing the amounts until they called once and my dad exploded on the phone because, well, they couldn't keep switching it up like that. We tried to get deferment and such, but it didn't work out. That is why this lack of a lucrative income is very problematic.

I think it's because the situation strikes a chord with him. He feels terribly about not yet having the funds to move out and provide me with a consistent "haven." The thought of someone else providing for me probably furthers his shame and guilt about it, even though it's not his responsibility at all.

Last edited by LadyLigeia; 02-05-2014 at 09:24 PM. Reason: *Elaboration
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  #4  
Old 02-06-2014, 01:01 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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I wonder if your partner worries that since lack of adequate income is such a hardship for you that the "daddy" arrangement leaves you vulnerable to coercion and/or manipulation. It is one thing to have autonomy to follow your joy - new loves, for example - but could be quite different where you are playing a role for money. What if the daddy pushes your boundaries a little, and you relent because the reward is so good? What if the daddy then pushes a little further? I think your boyfriend worries because unlike a relationship where both parties have the same thing to gain or lose - the relationship itself - this is an uneven playing field. Will you always be able to tell if you are doing something because you really enjoy it or doing it because the financial reward is too good? This would be a tough question for anybody.

Last edited by bookbug; 02-06-2014 at 01:04 AM. Reason: Typos and clarification
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  #5  
Old 02-06-2014, 01:40 AM
LadyLigeia LadyLigeia is offline
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I'm ashamed to admit that it's always turned me on... I'm not materialistic. With that said, I've noticed that boys didn't treat me well and didn't go the "extra mile" like they did with other girls. I've come to remain aware of normative red flags and conduct. From what I've noticed, when a guy likes a girl, he'll devote energy to her and usually, that involves some kind of material display. I don't require or desire that, whereas I know a lot of other girls who do. With that said, I've noticed that as I age, men tend to appreciate that I am down-to-Earth. I think it has to do with a scarcity mentality kind of thing - People want what they can't have. I'm not like that. If I want something or someone, not being able to have or be with it just upsets me and dispirits me from wanting it/them further. I liked the aspect of lavish attention and casual fun as opposed to d0ll@ d0ll@ billz.

My boyfriend spends more than enough on me. I feel bad when he does. Like I said, I grew up seeing a lot of financial abuse and it really has messed up my perceptions of money. And yes, he is worried about potential coercion. I'm not saying I'm coercion-proof, but previous experiences have taught me not to compromise or let down my boundaries. Major one: No more sex on first dates. It's incapable of negotiation. Period.

Aaahhh, so conflicted...
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Old 02-06-2014, 05:10 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LadyLigeia View Post
I'm ashamed to admit that it's always turned me on... I'm not materialistic. With that said, I've noticed that boys didn't treat me well and didn't go the "extra mile" like they did with other girls. I've come to remain aware of normative red flags and conduct. From what I've noticed, when a guy likes a girl, he'll devote energy to her and usually, that involves some kind of material display. I don't require or desire that, whereas I know a lot of other girls who do. With that said, I've noticed that as I age, men tend to appreciate that I am down-to-Earth. I think it has to do with a scarcity mentality kind of thing - People want what they can't have. I'm not like that. If I want something or someone, not being able to have or be with it just upsets me and dispirits me from wanting it/them further. I liked the aspect of lavish attention and casual fun as opposed to d0ll@ d0ll@ billz.

My boyfriend spends more than enough on me. I feel bad when he does. Like I said, I grew up seeing a lot of financial abuse and it really has messed up my perceptions of money. And yes, he is worried about potential coercion. I'm not saying I'm coercion-proof, but previous experiences have taught me not to compromise or let down my boundaries. Major one: No more sex on first dates. It's incapable of negotiation. Period.

Aaahhh, so conflicted...
No need to be ashamed! Actually, this statement shows you are intrigued for more reasons than the money, and despite it sounding ass-backward, if you have an emotional reason for doing this in addition to the money, you are probably more likely to be able to judge when a situation doesn't feel right.

While I am a believer in utilizing every bit of logic, often it is ones' emotions that know that something is wrong before it fully registers logically. If it was just a simple logical weighing of "how much I am willing to ignore my own boundaries based on reward," that can be the path to the hell.
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Old 02-06-2014, 01:39 PM
scarletzinnia scarletzinnia is offline
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I wonder why no one has pointed out one simple thing, LadyLigeia. If you have a sexual relationship with someone you would not otherwise have chosen for such, who compensates you financially, you are a prostitute. Maybe this doesn't bother you. I can sure understand why it would bother your boyfriend though. You may have found a "sugar daddy" who doesn't expect you to put out on the first or second date, but I assure you, he will expect it in time. That is the whole point of such arrangements.

I get that it is tough out there. I retrained for a different kind of work fairly late in life and now I work a physically demanding and sometimes physically painful job, for significantly less money than I used to make sitting in an office. I am lucky that I like what I am doing now even though the money is shit, and that I can afford to work a low-paying job (since Mr. ScarletZinnia makes tons more than I do). But still, it's given me a window into how the other half lives. I work with a few people who speak little English and have no skills to speak of, who pull in ten bucks an hour or so doing some very physically demanding work. One of them has a wife and daughter and has been saving money for years to buy a house. He's looking in a town that is very depressed and a long way from anywhere, because houses are cheap there. I hope he gets it.

Anyway, my point is, I don't think you have to prostitute yourself to pay back your student loans. If you are living in an area that has a pool of wealthy men who are willing to pay you for sex, I imagine that area also has some jobs. Maybe not what your schooling suited you for, but jobs. What about waitressing? Waitresses can make some pretty good money in the more expensive restaurants. Reception work, babysitting, home health care aide? Good old retail?

You say your father criticizes you for "being shitty at the menial jobs you have been getting." Well, try taking those jobs more seriously. It's better than being a prostitute, or watching your father continue to kill himself to pay off your student loans.
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Last edited by scarletzinnia; 02-06-2014 at 01:50 PM.
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Old 02-06-2014, 03:25 PM
london london is offline
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Originally Posted by scarletzinnia View Post
I wonder why no one has pointed out one simple thing, LadyLigeia. If you have a sexual relationship with someone you would not otherwise have chosen for such, who compensates you financially, you are a prostitute. Maybe this doesn't bother you. I can sure understand why it would bother your boyfriend though. You may have found a "sugar daddy" who doesn't expect you to put out on the first or second date, but I assure you, he will expect it in time. That is the whole point of such arrangements.

I get that it is tough out there. I retrained for a different kind of work fairly late in life and now I work a physically demanding and sometimes physically painful job, for significantly less money than I used to make sitting in an office. I am lucky that I like what I am doing now even though the money is shit, and that I can afford to work a low-paying job (since Mr. ScarletZinnia makes tons more than I do). But still, it's given me a window into how the other half lives. I work with a few people who speak little English and have no skills to speak of, who pull in ten bucks an hour or so doing some very physically demanding work. One of them has a wife and daughter and has been saving money for years to buy a house. He's looking in a town that is very depressed and a long way from anywhere, because houses are cheap there. I hope he gets it.

Anyway, my point is, I don't think you have to prostitute yourself to pay back your student loans. If you are living in an area that has a pool of wealthy men who are willing to pay you for sex, I imagine that area also has some jobs. Maybe not what your schooling suited you for, but jobs. What about waitressing? Waitresses can make some pretty good money in the more expensive restaurants. Reception work, babysitting, home health care aide? Good old retail?

You say your father criticizes you for "being shitty at the menial jobs you have been getting." Well, try taking those jobs more seriously. It's better than being a prostitute, or watching your father continue to kill himself to pay off your student loans.
Only relevant if you are sex negative and against sex workers. Anyway, if you want a consensual relationship with transactional elements, go for it. Anyone who knows you should believe what you tell them about your motivation. People who don't are irrelevant.
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Old 02-06-2014, 06:51 PM
CrowRaven7889 CrowRaven7889 is offline
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I agree with London. If this is what you want - go for it. The opinions of people that don't care about you are irrelevant.

It sounds like there is much more on the line here than just the money aspect. I can't tell based on your posts - have you told your boyfriend about the emotional/kink aspect? Do you think that would make him less uncomfortable if he knew that it was going to fulfill you in addition to provide some needed income? Does he know about your past of professional domme-ing? I'm not sure if this would make things better or worse but it's probably in your best interest to be completely honest with him about this if you haven't been.
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Old 02-06-2014, 07:41 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Only relevant if you are sex negative and against sex workers. Anyway, if you want a consensual relationship with transactional elements, go for it. Anyone who knows you should believe what you tell them about your motivation. People who don't are irrelevant.
I agree with London. If all parties are consenting, then there is no issue.

I lived in a county in Nevada that had legalized prostitution in a brothel setting. We didn't have street walkers, under-aged kids, and the host of other negatives that accompany illegal prostitution. The women were paid well, and interviews with some revealed that it wasn't all about the money; they enjoyed fulfilling a man's fantasy.
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