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  #11  
Old 02-02-2014, 08:00 AM
london london is offline
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I don't see much point in telling him if it is that, though. The vast majority of people cannot have those sorts of entanglements with more than one person. Best she find it with someone else.
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  #12  
Old 02-02-2014, 05:11 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
You don't have to share all those resources like a home, finances, etc., to be considered a co-primary. Many people conduct poly relationships without a hierarchy and view each relationship they have as equally important. That is sometimes called an egalitarian approach. So, what prevents you from believing him when he says you are not secondary?
Well said on both points.

Co-primary is a relative description of importance, regarding how you are treated by the hinge. Does he put you first as much as he does thenother WHEN POSSIBLE?

Sure, the location/resource issue equates to a priority is not eventually addressed to everyone's mutual satisfaction, but thst takes time when money and jobs are involved. Dont see them as immediate indicators of priority.

NYCindie is also asking the surgical question. Dont you believe him? If not, then what would it take and on what timeline?
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  #13  
Old 02-02-2014, 06:29 PM
aharri32 aharri32 is offline
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Originally Posted by london View Post
So he already has entanglements with his other partner which makes them a primary relationship and you don't have them so you're secondary and that makes you unhappy. You do realise you can find another partner simultaneously who is available for primary style entanglements?

Most people will only share primary style entanglements with one partner, especially if they are in a vee like you are and not a triad witheveryone romantically and sexually involved. He already has that with her so more than likely is not able to offer that to other partners. He might be. They might be willing to consider another person sharing their home, finances etc, but probably not. This does not mean you don't matter, he doesn't love you as much or anything like that. It just means those shared assets won't be a part of your relationship. But you can absolutely seek them with someone else.

No, it doesn't. I think you need to do less pressuring him to replicate his relationship with her, with you, and find someone available to share the practical entanglements which make a relationship primary. Forcing, manipulating, blackmailing, begging or guilting him into taking steps with you that he doesn't have the resources to manage isn't a very nice thing to do. Take advantage of polyamory by allowing several people to meet your needs and not lumping them all onto one individual.
Here is probably where I should admit my biggest problem with this relationship. J is not comfortable with the idea of C or I having separate relationships. He and C tried that once and he couldn't handle it, but she is fine with him having another relationship. Again, initially, this wasn't a concern of mine because I, personally, still view myself as loving one person and wanted a relationship with JUST him. Now that we're six months in, I worry about telling him that it's changed for me.

I'm just being a big weenie, huh? I'm not a very confrontational person, so telling him my concerns at all was difficult. I'm not looking for him to actually give me the resources he and C share because I do know that it's not possible or fair of me to ask.
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  #14  
Old 02-02-2014, 07:55 PM
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alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
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Ewe a one penis policy? Completely not fair imo.

Do you want to meet another for yourself? If you did will J throw a tissy fit? You're long distance so why shouldn't you do what's best for you? I wouldn't be able to stay in this relationship where my hinge basically is controlling my choices just because he can't handle it.
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  #15  
Old 02-03-2014, 07:47 AM
london london is offline
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He's an idiot. Unless he can give you both what you need long term, he has no business doing this.
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  #16  
Old 02-03-2014, 01:25 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by aharri32 View Post
Here is probably where I should admit my biggest problem with this relationship. J is not comfortable with the idea of C or I having separate relationships. He and C tried that once and he couldn't handle it, but she is fine with him having another relationship. Again, initially, this wasn't a concern of mine because I, personally, still view myself as loving one person and wanted a relationship with JUST him. Now that we're six months in, I worry about telling him that it's changed for me.

I'm just being a big weenie, huh? I'm not a very confrontational person, so telling him my concerns at all was difficult. I'm not looking for him to actually give me the resources he and C share because I do know that it's not possible or fair of me to ask.
While the whole one penis policy is philosophically problematic at best, unless he is willing and able to give you a full blown co-primary relationship - move you in, give you kids if you want them, share finances - then what he is asking of you is totally unrealistic and selfish.

I am dating my best friend, who I adore, but he is fresh from a divorce, totally immersed in his kids - in a phrase, mostly unavailable - and he encourages me to date because he loves me and doesn't want me to be alone. That's how poly is supposed to work.
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  #17  
Old 02-03-2014, 04:09 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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So this isn't about being "secondary" -- this is about "I want to be in an Open V now rather than in a Closed V."

Seems easiest to just tell them both:
"We are 6 months in. Initially I was good with a Closed V, but my needs have changed. I would like to be in an Open V that allows me to date others. Could you be willing to participate in that?"
They are either willing or not willing to participate... but that answer comes after the asking.

You ASKING is you doing behavior to help meet your own needs. You not asking is you NOT doing behavior to help meet your own needs. Making your partner and meta aware of your changing needs is making them aware. It isn't a "confrontation." They cannot be mind readers.

"Emotional courage/confidence" does not come raining from the sky. It comes from exercising that skill. If you want to grow it stronger -- be willing to exercise it. It only grows by doing.

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Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-03-2014 at 04:16 PM.
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  #18  
Old 02-04-2014, 05:32 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by aharri32 View Post
Here is probably where I should admit my biggest problem with this relationship. J is not comfortable with the idea of C or I having separate relationships.
Ugh. One Penis Policies are so utterly disrespectful. What a load of crap he's handing you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by aharri32 View Post
He and C tried that once and he couldn't handle it . . .
In other words, he simply isn't ready for polyamory. Therefore, he shouldn't be having multiple relationships unless and until he can handle his partners doing the same. Relationships are not supposed to be dictatorships.

Quote:
Originally Posted by aharri32 View Post
Again, initially, this wasn't a concern of mine because I, personally, still view myself as loving one person and wanted a relationship with JUST him. Now that we're six months in, I worry about telling him that it's changed for me.
What kind of relationship can you really expect to have with this man if you can't talk to him?

Go ahead and date whomever you want. It's your life, your body. He is neither your boss, your parent, nor your owner. He is someone you are still just getting to know - six months is not very long.

Keep in mind, you don't need his permission to live your life as you see fit. Don't go to him like a beggar asking if it's okay with him for you to follow your desires and have what you want in life. It isn't his decision to make. Your freedom isn't his to grant.

You can tell him that you want to see other people, too, and that you will start dating and hope he can accept that, but then the onus is on him to deal with his discomfort and any other feelings he has about it. He has a choice of whether or not to stay in the relationship with you, but he doesn't get to tell you that you can't date other people.

Talking to him about this doesn't have to be a confrontation or emotional scene, either. Just figure out what you want and calmly state it to him as a matter of fact.
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Last edited by nycindie; 02-04-2014 at 05:36 AM.
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  #19  
Old 02-04-2014, 01:37 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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What NYCindie and others have said is dead on.

If he cant handle you seeing other people, this relationship is only working for him.
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  #20  
Old 02-04-2014, 07:53 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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honestly, I'd steer clear of one penis policies. usually the guy is insecure and or doesn't really want to be poly (if the wife is allowed to be with women). I met a guy like that and now none of us involved are on speaking terms.

all that being said...I struggle with the "primary" stuff with my boyfriend. You have to figure out what you want and ask for it, also taking his other partner into account
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