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  #11  
Old 04-08-2010, 03:32 AM
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Originally Posted by Ilove2men View Post

And Also, I think a monos who love polys support group would be grand. Like minded people giving advice on pros and cons of this relationship. A true understanding of what you're going through. It sounds way better than, myeah of course you'd say that, you're poly. LOL In all seriousness though, it warms my heart to think of my fiance having s group of people that get what he's feeling. But thats not really the support group you were talking of. Sorry for getting off topic.
A little tongue in cheek here
We often joke about me forming a mono support group at our monthly poly meetings. My response is 10 monos go to the meeting and instead of answers you end up with 5 couples

In all seriousness though, if intimate connections form at our poly meetings they don't come at the expense of existing relationships. If intimate connections formed at a meeting for monos...well...we only love one at a time...you get the picture
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  #12  
Old 04-08-2010, 03:38 AM
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God Mon!

I ALMOST posted right after Ilove2men with a smart remark about "why don't we ask Mon about starting that". But opted for keeping my mouth shut.

Went to dinner, come home and you say that!

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  #13  
Old 04-08-2010, 03:42 AM
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God Mon!

I ALMOST posted right after Ilove2men with a smart remark about "why don't we ask Mon about starting that". But opted for keeping my mouth shut.

Went to dinner, come home and you say that!

Heeheee...I'm such a brat
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  #14  
Old 04-08-2010, 04:03 AM
CFstasha CFstasha is offline
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When I approached my husband, I was prepared for him to say he wasn't alright with me pursuing this new person in my life. I feel strongly that I have the desire and capacity to love more than one person, but I was, and still am, entirely willing to compromise with my husband if he decides it's not working for him.

I will be heartbroken if he asks me to stop seeing my boyfriend, and it will be hard, but this relationship is not a dealbreaker for me. It's different for each person, I think, but I'm unwilling to sacrifice my marriage, and I know I can be quite happy in a monogamous situation. That's not the case for everyone, but I'm not so poly-wired that I can't remain mono with my husband if that's what he wants again.

I won't, however, give in without a fight. It meant a lot to be able to pursue my new relationship, but if my husband changes his mind, we'll talk about why, and it will be a decision we make together while both hearing each other out.

Your question is valid, but the fact is a lot of poly people cannot be happy in a mono situation. In that case, the right thing to do is often to end the relationship so each partner can seek a better match.

I firmly believe no one should be or feel bullied into being someone they're not on either end. Period. Compromise perhaps, but when one partner feels marginalized or bullied, that's not healthy regardless of the arrangement.
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Old 04-08-2010, 02:28 PM
Ilove2men Ilove2men is offline
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
A little tongue in cheek here
We often joke about me forming a mono support group at our monthly poly meetings. My response is 10 monos go to the meeting and instead of answers you end up with 5 couples

In all seriousness though, if intimate connections form at our poly meetings they don't come at the expense of existing relationships. If intimate connections formed at a meeting for monos...well...we only love one at a time...you get the picture
Cute. I see your point. You should set up a mono play area during your poly meetups and your poly owners can make sure yall are behaving. Maybe kiddie leashes? In case two of you need to be yanked apart? Hehe
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  #16  
Old 04-08-2010, 02:40 PM
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Cute. I see your point. You should set up a mono play area during your poly meetups and your poly owners can make sure yall are behaving. Maybe kiddie leashes? In case two of you need to be yanked apart? Hehe
HAHA!! That would be funny but in a group of up to 50 lately, I am the only person who declares his "mononimity" and am also the only person who has absolutely no interest in the idea of exploring non-monogamy for myself. I could sit in the corner by myself I guess....and I'm used to a leash
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  #17  
Old 04-08-2010, 02:57 PM
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THE BIG QUESTION(S):

Why, in a mono/poly relationship, does the monogamous person have to be the one who changes? Why can't the polyamorous person be the one to confront polyamory within themselves and teach themselves to be happy with the idea of spending their life with only one partner, circular logic included?
Hi Simian,

As for flaming - no problem. It "seems" that most of the flamers have moved on to drier tinder - at least for the time being.

Now I can't be sure about your particular situation/dynamic but I think you would find VERY few poly minded people who expect ANYONE to "change" - except themselves. So I wonder if you are in one of those unique situations or maybe just misinterpreting something ?

I think there should be no debate about poly/mono etc. As other have alluded to, it's about relationships with others in general and what feels right - fit's each persons needs.

If there's any "change" being requested - it might just be that. That someone/everyone have a change in mindset to acknowledge and embrace the fact that what people need/desire in their life varies. And that if we love those people - truly love them, then we stand behind/beside them in their quest for happiness & fulfillment in their own lives.

Does that potentially conflict with "pairing" ? Absolutely.
There are cases where there is such an internal conflict with life views that it makes two people basically incompatible. And like a myriad of other things, if that's the case then the people should not force a togetherness. But no one should change their core beliefs unless they can see that new ones are actually a better replacement. In those cases they just need to acknowledge and respect each other, offer best wishes, and move on with their lives.


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Originally Posted by SimpleSimian View Post
Does this stuff exist? Am I just missing it?
So if it doesn't "exist" - it's probably because it shouldn't. Because if it did, it would be about controlling and manipulating people to live in ways that conflict with their own beliefs and happiness.

And we just don't need more of that in the world.

GS

Last edited by GroundedSpirit; 04-08-2010 at 03:40 PM.
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  #18  
Old 04-08-2010, 04:41 PM
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I will give you another example from my perspective.

For me a loving relationship is accepting the person for who they are. Not who I want them to be, but who they truly are. There are all sorts of articles written about self-knowledge and self-discovery and I fully believe that every human should have the opportunity to learn whatever they want about themselves. Therefore if I love someone I want them to have that freedom, and not dictate to them who they should be in order to be "good enough for me".

So, growing out of that paradigm, if my partner suddenly comes out and says they are poly and want to have "permission" to fall in love with multiple people, the choice is mine as whether this is still a basis for a relationship or not. It doesn't necessarily mean that I have to try to fall in love with multiple people, if that is not what I want, no?

There are some people who feel that because they are poly their partner has to be too - I don't feel that this is the best way to approach this, and I kind of question the motivation to do this, because it says "this is what's right for me, and I need that same to be right for you too".

There are quite a few examples or working mono/poly arrangements - the most famous around here is obviously redpepper and mono, although mono came in to an already-existing relationship. I have one where we were monogamous and I became poly, with my mono partner remaining very monogamous but accepting.

In summary and to your point - I don't think that either partner expecting the other to change for them is a healthy thing. Poly people expecting their mono partners to become poly or mono partners expecting their poly partner to become/stay mono.
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  #19  
Old 04-08-2010, 06:19 PM
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Originally Posted by Ilove2men View Post
Cute. I see your point. You should set up a mono play area during your poly meetups and your poly owners can make sure yall are behaving. Maybe kiddie leashes? In case two of you need to be yanked apart? Hehe
OMG you and Mon are going to make me pee in my chair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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  #20  
Old 04-09-2010, 07:00 PM
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I see all of your point, and I got it. Most poly people who want to stay mono for the sake of their existing relationship will simply choose to do so and make it so. For we mono people in mono/poly relationships, it's more along the lines of us not wanting to oppress our loved ones into something they can't do, so we make the change in ourselves. At least, in my case I had to let go of a lot of notions (and still have lots of work to do), and just be okay with my wife being poly and the attention and time I get being divided. I don't really have to go any further. Although I think I need to if I'll be okay with it. Attention is a huge deal for me, and if I don't get enough, I kind of wither. I'm an extrovert, and I've been spending the last year acting like an introvert. So I'll try and diversify my social bonds and make some new real-life friends, and I'll try and think about how I would deal with having multiple lovers, and see where it goes from there. I will really miss the dynamic of our old mono-style relationship. A LOT. But because I love her, I will change myself.

Besides the fact that the only real difference between the two of us in my situation is that she expects to be able to express her love for a person sexually, and I believe it's possible to love somebody and not need to do that, and be okay with them not necessarily understanding how deep the love goes.

So basically, the reason there's no poly-to-mono help stuff is because poly people tend to be more forgiving of the mono mindset, whereas the other way around, it's not so true. Although when talking with my wife about how I felt about things, the ideas I had about how mono should work disgusted her.

Anyway, I'm on my soap-box. Question answered. Thank you.
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