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Old 01-17-2014, 09:23 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Default getting back together (sort of) with ex-bf - experiences?

My bf C and I broke up last summer. The full story is in my blog, the short version is this: I was his only partner for over a year, then he met someone who slowly became his primary, I felt neglected (and I was), the dynamic of our relationship changed so much that it finallly became too hard for me and I broke up with him.

We had no contact for a month, then some (tense) emails were exchanged. Then silence for a while. Then more emails, more relaxed and 'softer'. We met for coffee in December and he told me he would like me back in his life - and that anything would be possible. I told him I had to think about it, and then after some time, wrote him a letter and told him I would also liketo have him in my life, that I can see an intimate friendship where we would spend time together, talk and hang out, cuddle, sleep in the same bed, no sex.

He agreed and I'm spending a weekend with him next month.

Part of me thinks I'm nuts to even try this. My frustration about him not being sexually attracted to me anymore (while I was very much attracted to him) was one of the reasons for the break up. Can I REALLY be his intimate friend and accept that sex is off the table? Will I be secretly hoping for more intimacy than just cuddling? Is it stupid to want to get something back that was good - the friendship part of the relationship?

I was thinking that this is one of the beautiful things of poly, that you don't have to choose between 'all or nothing'. I guess my fear is that my feelings for him are still so strong, that the 'not everything' will not be enough.

Does anyone have experience with a situation like this?
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early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
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  #2  
Old 01-17-2014, 05:47 PM
westVan westVan is offline
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Default IMHO - Your not ready

If you don't know if your ready to accept a relationship without secretly wanting more and hoping that in the future it will be more, you are setting your self up for great heartache down the road.
Time and distance makes us see things in a softer light the reality of why you broke up is now looking different in this light, but if you go into a friendship not being honest with yourself then your not ready for this.
(FYI -been there, done that, have a couple of T-shirts because to it. 5 months later still trying to heal )
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  #3  
Old 01-17-2014, 08:06 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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If you are not sure? That's a "working no" to me. Could call it "I am not ready, because it is not a "joyful yes" here. " So one way to handle it could be to skip the whole thing entirely.

Another way? You could think it out by each behavior individually. You seem solid on "no sex" behavior at this time, so that one is sorted. As his friend you will not have sex behavior. There.

Could figure out the rest one at a time. As his friend...
  • Does thinking about (spending time together as friends) crank up your desire to be his lover or cause confusion for you?
  • Does thinking about (talking and hanging) out crank up your desire to be his lover or cause confusion for you?
  • Does thinking about (cuddling) crank up your desire to be his lover or cause confusion for you?
  • Does thinking about (sleeping in the same bed) crank up your desire to be his lover or cause confusion for you?

Once you sort it out for yourself, you could engage in a new friendship with him but do only the behaviors that don't crank you up and don't cause confusion. Skip the ones that do. Maintain clean boundaries.

Really it is up to you how you want to handle it. It's also up to you to look after your best emotional/mental healths.

You are the one who makes the call for what you are willing to participate in and what you are not.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-18-2014 at 02:49 AM.
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  #4  
Old 01-18-2014, 12:39 AM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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I think you won't know for sure until you try it. I think it's a good idea to spend a weekend with him and see how you feel.

But you may want to keep in mind that C communicated with you very poorly for a very long time, that he seemed very un-self-aware, and that you were riddled with anxiety while seeing him.
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Old 01-20-2014, 02:08 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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I wouldnt sleep in a bed with someone I was attracted to, but they aren't attracted to me. It would be way too frustrating. Cuddling also makes me horny.

YMMV, but being honest with yourself is key.
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Old 01-29-2014, 06:35 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Sorry for disappearing from this thread.

I've been thinking so much about this. MeeraReed, you are right - he did treat me poorly. And it is easy to forget about that, and only remember the good stuff. But - there was a lot of good stuff.

We've been exchanging - sporadic - emails. His tone has changed. He's apologized - for the very first time - for pain he's caused me. It's like his defensiveness is gone.

I don't know if I can do a truly platonic friendship. If I am really honest with myself - I would want a friendship that includes a lot of cuddling, the expression of desire - even if not acted upon. Kissing, maybe.

I cannot imagine being in one bed with him and not feeling desire. But I have no idea what will happen when we do this. I don't know if he does or does not feel desire. I just know that there is no way of knowing in advance, and the only way to find out is to do it.

So... being honest: yes I want more than a platonic friendship. I'm curious about the new situation. He has a primary, I would be his secondary. Whereas before, it felt like I was his primary at first, and the pain came from him shifting 'primariness' to another person.

Date is in 2 weeks! I'll report back
__________________
early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
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  #7  
Old 02-01-2014, 08:53 PM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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Let us know how it goes!
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  #8  
Old 02-03-2014, 10:13 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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I got back together with an ex. We were apart for 8 or 9 years. And he remained in the 'friendship' circle that whole time. When I was with him, he became friends with a guy; and the three of us spent lots of time together. When I broke up with him, after some time, I started going with the other guy. And ended up living with him. But they were still very close, and I very much wanted the three of us to be friends and we were. Eventually, I broke it off with second guy. got back with him; then got with first guy too - poly!

So, my story is a lot different, but you asked. One of the reasons I broke up with second guy (again, for the umpteenth (and final) time) is that it was far too painful to have him talk the talk but not walk the walk of wanting me.
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with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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