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  #11  
Old 04-30-2013, 02:55 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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That's an interesting point BG.
I guess I tend to think that because it is my issue, I need to fix it. But it is very possible that there will come a point that despite the fact that I love him, I no longer like the person I'm becoming in the relationship.
It hasn't gotten there yet, but I hope I'll have the clarity to see that coming when it does.
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  #12  
Old 04-30-2013, 03:02 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Exactly. It's been said many times on here that you can love someone and be in love with each other and want to make it work but you're just not a good match and it's nobody's fault. It's when you start ruining one or both of your well-being that it becomes a really big problem. Just keep checking in with yourself and asking if it feels healthy. Listen to your gut, don't dismiss your intuition because "logic" says you should be ok with something.
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  #13  
Old 04-30-2013, 03:25 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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something interesting just happened.

he texted me and said he loves me, and that he is trying to find a way to fit both me and her into his life, where he can be open to communication with both of us.

my first gut reaction was that I did not like that he mentioned me and her in one sentence in a message that also declared his love for me. Then I realized that this gut reaction made me glance over the part where he says he loves me and what I mean to him.

And then I looked further and realized how happy it makes me that he trusts me enough to be honest with me and tell me that he is struggling a bit.

And I also realized that the only way to stop the cycle of asking for reassurance, is not asking for reassurance.

I wrote back: hey, I know from experience that it's not always easy to have more than 1 important relationship in your life. I am confident you will find a balance that will work for you, for her and for me.
and oh... don't forget to enjoy the fact that you now have 2 awesome women who really like you.

I haven't sent the message yet.. just saved it. But it already has seemed to relieve some of the tension and anxiety. I think maybe because I managed to not make it all about me? and to even introduce a little lightheartedness..

This seems like a good path to continue on.
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  #14  
Old 04-30-2013, 04:00 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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That's so great to hear! I knew it was your own demons and not his bad behaviour.

It reminds me of how i feel when my Other partner (the non-spouse) tells me about someone they are attracted to or had a relationship with... Doesn't matter if it's past or current or never meant to be... I feel a sinking feeling like "why are you telling me this? I don't need to know this. Do you talk about ME with other people this way?"

Then, i realize that they probably do talk about me with others... and it is probably equally flattering and positive as well as honest. We really have nothing bad to say about each other. Also, telling me about these people/relationships/feelings means that they trust me and are secure in our friendship (forgot to mention that it helps to be friends/buddies with your partner(s) - not friends-with-benefits, but buddies in the sense that you can have fun spending time together without ever getting sexy or lovey-dovey) that they feel able to confide these things in me.

Another blurb about myself you might like - my Spouse went through a period of adjustment that (long story short) culminated in a miscommunication which was fixed by sending us both (myself and spouse's other partner) the same text message that ended with "love you both".

tl;dr It is ok to tell one partner you love them within earshot or view of the other partner.
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  #15  
Old 01-29-2014, 06:47 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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revisiting this thread because it looks like I'm in the same situation - well not quite - but with a different guy.

Brig and I have been dating for a little more than 3 months now. He has no experience with poly. He seems perfectly fine with the fact that I'm married and have other (not very defined and somewhat complicated) relationships.

Last week he told me he's thinking about dating a woman he connected with on OKC, they knew each other years ago and always had a crush on each other. He wanted to ask me how I felt about it? I got the feeling he was being really considerate. That I am important to him and that he does not want to hurt me. BUT. It was like I was thrown into a time warp. Am I really going to go down this road again? Guy meets other girl, she's single, he has mono tendencies, wants her to be his primary? Is it my stupidity that has landed me in the same situation? Or is the situation actually not the same at all and am I just triggered by similarities?

Ugh so confusing. I'm obsessing about him starting to date and slowly ( like what happened with previous BF) falling for her. I don't think I can do that again. But how to separate the things that are actually happening from the things that I think will happen? I don't want to make the mistakes I made with C - constantly asking for reassurance etc. I need to trust. Have faith. Why is it so hard...
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  #16  
Old 01-29-2014, 07:05 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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He's perfectly fine with you being married. You need to be fine with him wanting to date, as well. She may very likely want a primary relationship with him, and he with her. It sounds like you and he have a secondary relationship; he deserves a primary relationship of his own. It will likely mean you having less time with him; but, after all, do you not enjoy spending time with your other partners, yourself, or friends? If you can't handle this, don't be poly.
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  #17  
Old 01-29-2014, 07:24 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
He's perfectly fine with you being married. You need to be fine with him wanting to date, as well.
Whoooah! While yes, it is true that she needs to come to terms with his wanting to date, she is trying to deal with her feelings over it and find a solution. She admits to being confused and surprised by her own reaction. To say she just needs to "be fine with it" is a bit flippant, don't you think? Maybe it's just how it reads on print, but to me that statement disregards the process she's going through now.

Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
She may very likely want a primary relationship with him, and he with her. It sounds like you and he have a secondary relationship; he deserves a primary relationship of his own.
In addition, not everyone practices polyamory within a hierarchical set-up. I don't think that's really how Cleo views her relationships.

Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
If you can't handle this, don't be poly.
Cleo posted this to express what is going on with her and to find support on how to handle it. Saying "don't be poly" is not very compassionate and comes across as finger-wagging, IMO. Everyone has their own path and feelings can pop up unexpectedly and take us by surprise.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 01-29-2014 at 09:08 PM.
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  #18  
Old 01-29-2014, 08:08 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cleo View Post
Last week he told me he's thinking about dating a woman he connected with on OKC, they knew each other years ago and always had a crush on each other. He wanted to ask me how I felt about it? I got the feeling he was being really considerate. That I am important to him and that he does not want to hurt me. BUT. It was like I was thrown into a time warp. Am I really going to go down this road again? Guy meets other girl, she's single, he has mono tendencies, wants her to be his primary? Is it my stupidity that has landed me in the same situation? Or is the situation actually not the same at all and am I just triggered by similarities?
Did you talk with him about all the above or just the "feeling he was being considerate" part? Just asking, because it's unclear to me from the above. If you did, then that's all you can really do right now is to try to work on trusting him to be someone different than C was.

I've had issues with that in different ways - at one point, I white-lied/obscured the truth about something stupid with P (told him a vagary about a plan I had with a friend) because I didn't want to be judged for it like I would have been by my ex-husband. It was an avoidance behavior, based on my ex's behavior, and I never gave P a chance to react in his own way. I got called out for it, which helped me recognize it, thankfully.

C's behavior still stings, so you may need to continue to talk with Brig and get reassurance that he's not C. If he's asking how you feel, it seems that he's already amenable to doing that, which is a great sign.
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Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
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  #19  
Old 01-29-2014, 08:26 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Quote:
Did you talk with him about all the above or just the "feeling he was being considerate" part? Just asking, because it's unclear to me from the above. If you did, then that's all you can really do right now is to try to work on trusting him to be someone different than C was.
He asked me 'what the rules where'. He's very very new to poly. I told him there are no rules, as far as I'm concerned, except honesty - and a preference, that I like major things to be discussed in person and not over email. He agreed and told me he felt the same.

I don't know! He IS another person. yet I am freaking out. My husband can go out on a ton of dates and I never feel like this. I guess because I feel more secure about his love? The combo of new love + insecurities = killing.

I know I have to trust him. He is a very different person. It's my own issues that make the trust thing hard.
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  #20  
Old 01-29-2014, 08:38 PM
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I hear you - I do the same thing. Trust takes time and experience (especially when you've had bad experiences), and getting the experience may require a little more reassurance until you actually realize you, at some point down the road, now HAVE the experience.

You have all that with your husband. It's developing with Brig, and you've been stung by C. You may just want to give yourself a break and see if Brig is okay with being supportive for a bit while that trust develops. It sounds like he wants to be...
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Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 14; and PokéGirl, 11), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
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