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  #11  
Old 04-07-2010, 08:19 PM
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Default Idealist Poly Blog Part 10- focusing on the quad

I had a nice conversation with Richard this week. He stayed out of town last weekend because of his work. I sent him a video of Charles dancing and cutting up on Thursday night. He replied “F*ck…..I miss you guys!!!” The four of us (me, Richard, Charles and Holland) do have really good compatibility as a foursome.

Early on, Charles and I encouraged Holland and Richard to spend some time alone together so they could establish a connection and they did. They became sexual much to our delight. So, now when we all get together, she feels comfortable with both guys; as do I. I’m not really seeing me and Holland becoming sexual, but it’s possible.

But, now that I think about it, we have never had an evening with just us four. It’s really my fault because I tend to get into the idea that “the more the better” when getting people together, but we all know….that’s not always true. It’s hard to find a nice intimacy with large groups. So, I promised Richard that we would plan some good quality time together…..just us four…..really soon!! And I sent a message to Charles and Holland about it.

Anyway- as I expected, Richard did have a woman (Cherie) over for several days during the weekend. She relaxed and watched TV during the day while he was at work. He likes having someone to come home to because he gets lonely. He has known her for a while and has seen her casually, but this was the most amount of time they have spent together. I don’t mind if he wants to keep her isolated from all of us. He did send me a photo of her. He has not shared with her about his lifestyle over here. And, although I know this lifestyle is based on complete and total honesty, it doesn’t bother me if he wants to have a lover out of town that doesn’t know about all of us.

So, I told him that I posted a note on my blog about how he would probably get into a monogamous relationship and then our connection would become platonic. He said, “I don’t see that happening any time soon, so you can go write that.” He suffered a great deal the last time he “fell in love” with a woman and it didn’t work out. He’s soooo emotional…….

I had to tell him that I have a trip planned for this weekend with John, Charles and Holland and that I really wish he was going with me instead of John. I can’t imagine having Richard and John together since John is just now meeting Charles and Holland. It’s just too many unknowns. But anyway- he said “I’m sure you guys will have fun and I’ll work part of the weekend again since you guys won’t even be in town”

I had introduced him to a woman named Susan about 4 months ago and they had liked one another. They had been trying to find time to get together again and couldn’t seem to coordinate their schedules, so I suggested that he might go out with her on Saturday night while we’re out of town. We all know her too and she may be open to joining the group. The only way to know is to get to know her better. He agreed. To be honest, if he goes out with Susan, it will help him to not hyper focus on Cherie. I don’t mind if he decides to get into a monogamous relationship, but to be honest, I don’t think it’s the best thing for him right now and it’s a selfish thing too. I enjoy having access to him and am looking forward to some intimate time with our foursome!

I know it seems like "too much" at times, but people come and go from our lives and I'm trying to develop a few Vs, quads, and whatevers so there will be options for me and for them. As people drop out, new people are coming in. It takes time to establish trusting relationships and you can't tell where things are going...... it's all good
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Last edited by idealist; 04-09-2010 at 04:50 AM.
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  #12  
Old 04-09-2010, 05:10 AM
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Default Idealist Poly Blog Part 11- Erotica

I went out tonight with Charles and Holland. They are primary lovers, but have only been together about 6 to 8 months. They are talking about getting married and I think it might be a good match. I've known Charles longer than she has and she's been feeling insecure about our past....without her. I have a hobby that I enjoy and Holland knows about it. I like to set up my tripod and my camera with a timer to capture erotic moments. I've done a lot of things by myself, but Charles was willing to participate, so that is one of the things that we like to do together occassionally and I have quite a collection of photos that I like. Holland accidentally ran across one of them last night on Charles computer and it bothered her. Having the image in her mind was difficult for her. Tonight, she asked me if she could see more of the photos of me and Charles. I resisted it for over two hours to see if she would just let it go, but she said, "I need this"

I have to admit, that part of me didn't want to share with her this intimacy that he and I have which is personal between the two of us.

But, I know the poly lifestyle is more of a struggle for her. She didn't choose it, but she is having to try it out if she wants to be with Charles and she does. So, I agreed.

I chose 5 photos. They start out where we are standing, kissing and fully clothed, I'm in leather and he is in jeans and T Shirt. And they end up with us naked (except my stilettos) and I'm standing, bent over with him entering me from behind.

She actually seemed relieved, but we'll see what happens next as she processes this.

I think she is really brave. And it makes me love her.
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Last edited by idealist; 04-09-2010 at 05:13 AM.
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Old 04-09-2010, 05:59 AM
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Wow she is brave! I can't imagine asking to see those types of pictures with Redpepper in them unless she was with Polynerdist. Other than that I have zero interest in that level of detail LOL! Basically I just want to know that she is intimate with her partners. I only need to hear it once and then I have no need to hear about it LOL! That's between her and them.

Good for her, I hope she does well with it all. Take care and thanks for your continued sharing
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Old 04-09-2010, 02:02 PM
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Wow she is brave! I can't imagine asking to see those types of pictures with Redpepper in them unless she was with Polynerdist.
Thanks for the feedback Mono! I know, her bravery brought tears to my eyes. But on the other hand, you have to realize that I didn't want to share them with her. I wanted to keep that from her. But, she and I are trying to develop that type of trusting relatationship (that you have with Polyderdist) and she asked me to show them to her. I think she is trying to get to an acceptance of he and I together and because her level of trust in me has increased, she felt ready to face my relationship with Charles on another level. I think she had been working herself up to it for quite a while and was finally ready. It was like jumping off the cliff for her. She was at the edge and had to jump last night. She was so desperate to see the photos and after two hours of trying to avoid it, it almost seemed to me that I was being cruel to her. I can actually really relate to where she was. Anyway, I think it was a relief for her because she is starting to feel compersion......
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Last edited by ImaginaryIllusion; 04-09-2010 at 02:10 PM. Reason: Tags
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Old 04-09-2010, 06:25 PM
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Anyway, I think it was a relief for her because she is starting to feel compersion......
Cool
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  #16  
Old 04-13-2010, 03:25 AM
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Default Idealist Poly Blog Part 12- Laughter is miraculous

The weekend went great with me, John, Charles and Holland. I was worried about whether or not John and Charles would be compatible- (only as friends, John is completely heterosexual) because they are total opposites.

John is a Construction/Engineer Project Manager who has financially raised two sons alone and now they are young adults pursuing being a lawyer and a trauma nurse. Now that they are on their way to adulthood, John has the freedom to take a position out of state- which he has done and is making the highest salary of his career which says a lot considering he is about 55. He will be financially independent in 3 to 5 years.

Charles, on the other hand has lost everything 3 times. He’s in a phase of his life now where he has nothing. He hasn’t contributed to the raising of his adult daughter except to pay her cell phone bill for the last year. He’s one of those highly charismatic people and everyone likes him. He is incredibly compassionate and generous. Sometimes I feel inadequate when I observe how caring he is. And……There is something really compelling about a person who has nothing, since they are not attached to physical things and they have a type of freedom. But I don't respect the fact that he hasn't contributed to the financial welfare of his daughter. Respect is something I need to feel for a person that I am intimately involved with for a long term relationship. So- I guess I don't see him as long term.......

I have allowed myself to love Charles, but it’s with the realization that I will eventually have to suffer as I will miss him greatly when he has to “move on” to another place like he does, drifter that he is. I have realized in my life that following great love, is usually great suffering. This is what I anticipate to happen with me in relation to Charles. But I am not a person who has regrets. I enter each relationship with full awareness and consciousness. I manage my expectations accordingly. It has definitely been worth the amount of emotional energy I have invested so far.

I had my first glimmer of what a V could be like in general. It happened to be with Charles and Holland last week and it was thrilling, but now I do not think I will pursue that with them. They are too co-dependent on one another and individually they do not have the self awareness that I need to feel safe. Although the four of us had the greatest time the weekend! There was no sexual energy about the weekend since it was John’s first time to be around Charles and Holland, we kept everything on a social/friendship level. Except when I got up to go to the bathroom…..I had just taken off my earplugs and the light was filtering in….the two of them with the covers up to their necks, looked at me and smiled these Cheshire cat grins……I had caught them and they were trying to be quiet etc. because of Johnny. But apparently he heard them anyway!!

So, the whole weekend was more fun than I expected. And guess what created a bridge which allowed these two dudes to enjoy one another……….humor. They had an appreciation for each other’s sense of humor and were trying to outdo one another all weekend which kept us laughing the entire time!!!…….aaahhh….laughter, it’s such good medicine for the mind and soul…… Anyway, we talked about another/longer out of town trip in the summer to the beach.

Despite all of that however, I know better than trying to develop a deeper more intimate V or Quad with Charles and Holland. It would be destined for crazy emotional rollercoaster ride which I’m not in the mood for taking right now.

I’ll just let them swirl around in their little comedy/tragedy drama and continue to be completely entertained by them. It’s so much better than a movie!! Life is incredible when you understand your own personal boundaries!! And what also helps is; understanding what you can expect from someone based on what they have shown they are capable of giving and what they are willing to give!!

I know I’m repeating myself, but…….There is a lot to be said for simply adjusting your expectations to something realistic based on the other person or persons capabilities and/or willingness. It eliminates a lot of disappointment.

Maybe I’ll do a future blog on my philosophy on “Eliminating Disappointment from your Life”….it’s all about expectations and adjusting them based on the reality that you can observe.

I know people are reading my blog…..I’ve had 396 hits and I just started it less than a month ago. I’m definitely open to comments public or private!!
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Last edited by idealist; 04-13-2010 at 04:18 AM.
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Old 04-13-2010, 08:24 AM
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Many individuals have developed a manner of living that relies heavily on deception and manipulation as a means of self-preservation. It can become a habit and even unconscious. I was shocked when I became fully conscious of how capable I am of manipulation and deception. My experiences with therapy, 12 step recovery groups and interaction with a spiritual teacher brought me to a point where I wanted to be more honest….that was the first step for me. I found that there is great freedom in honesty.

The next step, for me, was honesty with myself. How I have avoided that! It’s not easy to be honest with yourself, especially when your thoughts, feelings, beliefs and/or desires are not in line with what is considered “normal” in the society where you live. Being an extrovert (not that introverts don’t struggle with this) I have struggled with the need and desire to be accepted. So- one of the things I spend a lot of time and energy on is developing and nurturing a peer group of individuals who have similar lifestyles or similar values, and who are operating from a similar level of consciousness with the desire to live an honest life. I believe this forum is an example of that, for me, and that is why I am sharing my story here.
Very cathartic reflections. Thank you for this Idealist! My experiences in poly are very new. My lover has opened me up to it and is helping me become a more honest, open and most importantly TRUSTING person. My husband while accepting isn't quite open about his feelings. I am hoping curiosity helps him discover something better, and to an alternative to the "half-empty glass of life"
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Old 04-16-2010, 01:01 AM
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Default Idealist Poly Blog Part 13- Response to Midnightsun's post about diversity

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Ok, here's my two cents... I became open to the idea of poly because I have a multi-faceted personality to an extent that makes it unlikely (if even possible) for one person to fulfill all of those facets.
This made me think and, for me, it's also true !!!

I am a business owner and own real estate; I’m naturally administrative, so I’ve written a policies and procedures manual and oversee a staff. I sell about 1,500,000 of Home Furnishings per year. I am Creative and I design expensive elaborate custom window treatments from high end fabrics.

I have been a Retreat Facilitator for self awareness and personal growth workshops.

I have a Guru who lives in India. I have been there and plan taking another trip eventually. I am fluent in chanting many of the Sanskrit prayers and often enjoy singing and chanting into the microphone to lead the crowd which has been as many as several thousand people at one time.

I go on an 8 day Silent retreat every year wearing modest cotton clothing and taking long silent walks.

I go to an Island every year and participate in a 10 day Yoga and Juice Fast where we drink fresh juiced fruits and vegetables the entire time as a cleansing and perform 4 hours of yoga a day.

I enjoy attending Festivals and Fairs in shorts and sandals….and sitting on the ground drinking frozen adult beverages etc.

Living in the South, I enjoy boating and spending the day on a Party Barge with a group of people in our bathing suits, eating and drinking.

I like attending costume parties and will wear wigs, leather, lace, garters, and boots or stilettos and any type of erotic garb I can find.

During Mardi Gras, I enjoy wearing elaborate jeweled costumes and formal gowns and attending Balls and riding on floats throwing beads and stuffed animals etc.

I enjoy taking Erotic photography of myself and others using a tripod and camera with a timer.

I have been a Keyboard player and singer in classic rock band.

I love going to Night clubs- at least 2 to 3 times a month and especially enjoy dancing wildly to current hip hop dance tunes.

I have yet to find one person who is even mildly interested in even 50% of the things I enjoy since my interests are so varied.
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Last edited by idealist; 04-16-2010 at 01:09 AM.
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Old 04-21-2010, 02:07 AM
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Default Idealist Poly Blog Part 14- Good Weekend

Life is feeling pretty stable right now!! I had a great weekend since I was able to spend time with Edward, John, Richard and Katherine.

On Friday evening, I met Edward downtown. There was a lot going on, so we had dinner at an outdoor restaurant and did a lot of people watching. Edward and I have been spending more time together lately and he’s really interested in the poly lifestyle. He retired at the age of 42 and now he’s 62, so he’s lived a life of leisure for 20 years. We have not been sexual since we dated for 6 months about 11 years ago, but it could happen. He certainly seems interested in it, but we’ll see. I also invited John to join us. He works out of state and drives in on Friday evenings. The two of them seemed to get along fine. They had never met, but they knew about one another. When Ed and I broke up years ago, I met John right away and dated him for almost 3 years.

Several of my female friends joined us and we moved to a club to dance a bit and listen to some live music. Both guys left early, but I wasn’t ready to leave, so I talked to this biker dude that I met. I was really attracted to his smile which literally lit up his face when he smiled. I finally headed home, alone….with the top down…..ahhhh the spring weather in the south!!! …gotta love it !!!!

On Saturday afternoon, I went with Richard to a party that some of his old friends were having. It had been three weeks since we had seen each other…..he works out of town and had to work through two weekends. He is seeing someone in the town he works in. They haven’t even discussed his lifestyle. She hasn’t asked if he is seeing anyone else and he hasn’t mentioned it. She knows about me because we’ve talked on the phone when she’s there, but I guess she doesn’t really want to know who I am, so he’s not really getting into it and I’m okay with that. We met up with some of his old friends at the party and they played some good classic rock music together!! He plays lead guitar and was playing an old Stratocaster! He spent the night that night and it was sweet! In the morning, I woke up to find him working in my yard. That was really nice!! I’m not much of a yard person, but there were a few things that needed to be done and it was awesome for him to do that for me! We spent a few hours together talking and sharing affection with one another. It was really nice to be with him!

On Sunday, I picked up Katherine before noon and we went out to a Festival for the day. We stayed into the evening. We talked about finding a guy that we can have a relationship with. We realize that it may be really hard to find someone that we both like, but we are open to it. I shared with her about how I have been feeling with Charles and Holland. With them, I have gotten a glimpse of what it’s like to be in an emotionally intimate V. It’s very stimulating for me and just the little taste of it that I’ve had has convinced me that I really want to pursue this experience and Katherine is the perfect woman for me to experience it with. I am attracted to her and she’s attracted to me. She has the emotional maturity that I desire. I really respect her and I want to get to know her better.

I have realized that I can’t expect the type of emotionally mature V with Charles and Holland that I really desire. I love them a lot and think about them all the time, but I’m trying to step back from them emotionally. They are going out of state for a wedding, so that will give us some time apart. I have and will allow myself to love them completely, but I continue to adjust my expectations so that I won’t be disappointed by the actual emotional and spiritual level of our connection. There is no way that they will satisfy my true desire. The disappointment itself enables me to realize that my expectations and desires are not being met and that allows me to turn my attention elsewhere to a place where my expectations and desires may be more likely to be met.
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Last edited by idealist; 04-23-2010 at 10:11 PM.
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Old 04-23-2010, 10:10 PM
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Default Idealist Poly Blog Part 15- thoughts about healthy and dysfunctional relationships

This has been a pretty good week!
Charles and Holland have been out of state for a wedding and it’s been good because I need some space from them. They are not at the emotional level which I desire. They are really quite dysfunctional and pretty codependent etc. But….now that they are gone, I realize how much I really do love them. Love is just a really strange and funny thing. You can’t predict it. But, no matter how much I love them, it just makes more sense for me to get some emotional distance from them.

It’s interesting how when I was younger, I participated in dramatic relationships based on impulsive reactions to emotional and sexual chemistry. I never considered whether or not these relationships were “healthy” or “good for me” etc. As a result, I ended up suffering a great deal. Then- after years of therapy etc. I began to avoid making impulsive decisions about relationships and started being more discerning about whom I got involved with. That has resulted in some very rewarding connections. But, I think I miss the impulsiveness. And that is why I fell in love with Charles. Because he is pure impulse. Now- his life is totally f*cked because of it. So, when I met him, I realized that he was not someone I should get involved with, but I made a conscious decision to do it anyway…. with some established boundaries. One of the boundaries was that he would need to find a primary lover. I was on his first date with Holland and I told him “yep….she’s your match”…..and she is!!!! Now, when he f*cks up, she bails him out. I’m on the periphery just observing those aspect of his life. But anyway.....apparently, when it has to do with Charles and Holland, the game for me apparently has become a game of playing with fire without being burned.

So……about tonight.....I am on several dating sites but I am so picky that I only occasionally actually meet anyone in person. But….tonight I have a date with a guy I have been talking with this week. He has really planed this date to be something special and that’s nice. He has chosen a really nice restaurant and has reserved a special booth near the piano. We plan on going dancing after we eat! From his photo, he looks pretty attractive and we seem to be pretty emotionally compatible. He is just out of a 12 year relationship, and just starting to date again. I think I’m his first date since the breakup and they were together for 12 years. I have explained my lifestyle to him. He knows I have 3 local male lovers and one that lives out of state. I have told him about Katherine and how we have talked about finding a guy that we can have a relationship with. He says he’s never been the jealous type, so I guess he feels like he’s up for considering the poly lifestyle.

I may be spending the day on Sunday with Katherine. She is on the emotional level that I desire and as a result, our relationship is moving very slowly. I introduced her to a guy last Sunday while we were at the Festival and they are going out tonight! I had gone out with him before, but didn’t really feel compatible with him, but she likes him, so…..you never know!!!! I like him well enough to date the two of them if they approach me about it. If I hit it off with this guy I’m seeing tonight, I will consider introducing him to Katherine also!!
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Last edited by idealist; 04-23-2010 at 10:12 PM.
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