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  #201  
Old 01-24-2014, 12:14 AM
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Opal, I am so touched you took the time to write all those caring, smart things. I will be pondering your insights and advice!

I know a lot of this is made worse b/c of our flooded basement family room and laundry room. A POD is in our driveway and we have to spend all weekend taking every stick of furniture and every decorative element we just installed, out again, to get ready for asbestos removal and new flooring! It's like 5 degrees out and our yard is buried in snow and we have to carry things up 5 old cement stairs from the basement, up 4 stairs to the deck, down 4 stairs and then to the storage pod.

The flood happened Dec 23 and this trial has been hanging over us for a month.

Ginger has offered to come over and help move stuff all day tomorrow. We were going to have a sexy date tonight, but I am coming down with the bad cold that just laid miss p up for a week! So now I get to move our shit with a fever and a cough!

Bad luck Chez Mags these days...
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #202  
Old 01-28-2014, 06:50 PM
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I'm on day 6 of this "cold," flu, really. Still taking cold meds! Weak, stuffy, stomach upset. At least the cough isn't as wracking as it was there.

Asbestos removal in basement family room and laundry room? Still no idea on a date.

Ginger saw how sick I am and came over 3 days in a row to help miss p move furniture to the pod, and glassware collection to the basement storage room, which is cement floored and can be sealed off during asbestos removal. Here is a love language he speaks, though he denies it's love, "helping is its own reward," he says.

Well, I will take it as I can get it.

His date with Tamara is today. I guess her herpes isn't active at the moment. He is going there at 4, all the way into Boston, which drive he hates. I am almost too sick to care. But I still do not feel great about it. I feel betrayed and abandoned. Maybe I will get used to the concept/situation once he is done with the date and comes back to me to reconnect. Maybe it will take a few more dates with her. Maybe it will take meeting her. I don't fucking know.

Bleh. The winter of my discontent.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #203  
Old 01-28-2014, 09:44 PM
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Opal, I agree and so does miss pixi, that Ginger needs to have my expectations and needs spelt out. Also, he is a doer. Men are "fixers." Hey, I like having a big guy with broad shoulders and long arms and legs to hang a chandelier or move a couch. Awesome. Great.

I know I can't change him. I can change how I do things. If I want more kink, I see I need to make that happen. He enjoys it when it happens, he just won't initiate it. OK, I can deal. Even if I want to be in a sub position during the kink, I have to PUT a flogger in his hand. You know? So, I am not really a sub, but I still get my jollies.

So, these are 2 good things that happened recently to make me feel safer and more valued and "special." But.

So, a little while ago, 2PM, I said hi to him on chat. I knew he'd been to the grocery store because we'd chatted earlier. He didn't say hi when he got back so I did.

Did I already mention that this past Monday (today being Friday), Buddhist had 2 dates in one day with two new okc guys?

A day or so after Monday, being in the throes of hellish flu, I asked Ginger how that went. He said, he knows she went on the dates and that is all he knows. So, today, his date with her imminent, I asked him if she had sex with these guys. And if she'd had The Talk, and used condoms if there was sex.

He replies, as far as he knows, he was pretty sure she had sex with both and probably had the safer sex talked and that she insists on condoms.

BUT, I had a typo and wrote safe sex instead of safER sex. So, he felt a need to correct me and tell me there is no such thing as safe sex, yada yada. I said, it was a typo, I meant safer. The only "safe" sex is masturbation and cyber/phone. Then he derails it more by saying he recently injured himself masturbating. (har de har har).

Getting back on track, I attempted to ascertain if she'd had the SAFER sex talk with them! He tells me she was just tested and came back clean for everything except the HSV1. Well, she just had sex with 2 new guys so, so much for those test results! She could've gotten chalmydia from oral or a case of HSV2, who knows?

But he was all, I thought you weren't going to think about all this. I had told him I was too sick with the flu to have energy to think about Buddhist's sexual choices, but that didnt mean I now want a DADT thing going on! Sheesh! I am still interested to know the status of the vagina and throat in which my fluid bonded partner is about to stick his dick!

tl;dr: My partner's new partner is maybe at this moment having sex with someone who had sex on two first dates in one day with 2 different guys. And she was ready to have sex with Ginger on their second date without having a safer sex talk.

So.

Back to our phone convo. He said, yesterday or tomorrow would've been a better day to "freak out" on him than right now. (I didnt think I was freaking out, I was just trying to determine Buddhist's sexually transmitted disease status, but whatever.) He then said he needed to pee. I said go ahead.

Then before I saw he came back online he said, I think I should go now. xoxoxoxoooo. And signed off.

Not good.

What can I do? Go back to condoms, for one thing. If Buddhist is having sex with 3 new partners in one week and Ginger is bringing up the rear, bye bye fluid bonding.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37

Last edited by Magdlyn; 01-28-2014 at 11:39 PM.
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  #204  
Old 01-28-2014, 09:53 PM
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The other thing that I feel bad about is this. A couple weeks ago, when he was going to have a date with Buddhist, he told me he was "unattached" to the outcome, implying I should be as well. Then at some point after that, he asked me if I'd ever "meditated on mudira," which I guess is Buddhist-speak for compassion. Instead of talking about "compersion," and how I can get there, he is asking me to do something Buddhist, like his new GF??

Oh, wow. That is very reassuring. Not.

Reminds me of when my ex h got his new gf and all of a sudden topics and ideas I'd been trying to get him to see, and he was wary of, or rejecting utright, were now great super cool b/c his new gf was into them.

Ack. Bad move, guys.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #205  
Old 01-29-2014, 07:12 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Then at some point after that, he asked me if I'd ever "meditated on mudira," which I guess is Buddhist-speak for compassion. Instead of talking about "compersion," and how I can get there, he is asking me to do something Buddhist, like his new GF??
Did you call him on this and let him know how it makes you feel?
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  #206  
Old 01-29-2014, 07:42 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Reminds me of when my ex h got his new gf and all of a sudden topics and ideas I'd been trying to get him to see, and he was wary of, or rejecting utright, were now great super cool b/c his new gf was into them.

Ack. Bad move, guys.
Ding ding ding! Possible trigger alert!

Could the memories of your ex and how you were treated be a trigger for you? Is something Ginger is doing (or not doing) shunting your mind to those hurt places left by your ex?

I'm not saying that you should not be upset or hurt with the situation with Ginger. But maybe the intensity and pain are not entirely related to the present with Ginger. That last two sentences 'Ack. Bad move, guys' does not read as fully being in the present. If it were more present in the here and now, it would be something like 'Ack. Bad move, guy.' Or 'Bad move, Ginger.' (Or I could be overly analyzing text.)

I know for myself that I feel much more anger and rage when something is pushing at my triggers than when I am experiencing unpleasantness that does not trip anything in my pysche. I often recognize I've hit a trigger by the disportionate reaction itself.

<<Hugs>>
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  #207  
Old 01-29-2014, 09:54 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
Did you call him on this and let him know how it makes you feel?
Yes, I had him come over this morning and we discussed this and many other issues that badly needed sorting out. He said the Buddhist terms he's been throwing around lately do not come from her, but from things he's studied himself in the past.

Quote:
Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
Ding ding ding! Possible trigger alert!

Could the memories of your ex and how you were treated be a trigger for you? Is something Ginger is doing (or not doing) shunting your mind to those hurt places left by your ex?
Yes, I said this on 1-17: "I think I am a bit triggered, going back to when my ex h and I first opened our marriage in 1999."

So, update. Ginger's date was last night. miss pixi and I had just got done marathoning Breaking Bad (late to the party) and come upstairs around 11 and Ginger had just signed on to chat. He msged me a *kissie face* and I said, I see you're home safe. Good.

I purposely didn't ask how his date went because I have now resolved not to discuss sensitive topics in chat. So, he asked how I was feeling, I told him, better, he was glad, I said we'd just got done with BB yada yada, he told me his stomach was gassy, he thought because of the tea she gave him. Then he started trying to talk about the Celtics game he missed, and the State of the Union, but I was in no mood for chit chat, and told him so.

I said, Please come over tomorrow, we need to talk and work things out. We set on a time and said good night.

Today he came over and I didn't kiss him when he tried... well, he'd just spent the last night kissing a woman with herpes (even though she did not have an active lesion... I was still not feeling like kissing). Then we talked for a good 2-3 hours. I asked him about his date, he told me the details. Sexy time happened but they never did get around to intercourse. So, I told him how I was thinking about going back to condoms with him because of Buddhist.

We determined she has 5 partners she is actively sexual with, including him. And here was the shocker! Those 2 guys she had date with on Monday are NOT brand new first dates from okc, but both men she's been seeing every few weeks for months now! He acted like he knew this already, but he sure didn't tell me yesterday when I was specifically asking him just before his date if she'd had safER sex talks with them! Oy.

He said she'd forgotten he was glucose intolerant and had bought bread for them to share. He seemed concerned about her being absent minded about this and a couple other things. We both agreed she could be poly saturated. I know when I date more than 3 people at once, I tend to forget who I told what story to, who knows what about me, get mixed up.

Then I told him I think he is overly poly saturated because he also has 5 people he is more or less sexually/emotionally intimate with. And he may not FEEL poly saturated, but I do feel less than well tended to, and that is evidence he is.

I told him about my expectations about seeing MORE of him when I moved her, and instead I am seeing him less hours per week.

I pretty much put it all out there. All my complaints about his dating practices, and how they are adding to the plethora of stresses I am already under. I won't bore y'all with details, but it was a good productive talk. A couple times he started to scoff, or interrupt with minutiae or what not and I reminded him about how I would like to use responsive listening in these kinds of talks: I vent, he listens til I am done. He then tells me what he heard me say, and only after I find he has an accurate understanding, is it his turn to talk, when I will then let him have his say and tell him what I heard.

We also discussed how he never sleeps here anymore and how I miss it and he said he'd arrange to do that more often now that his gut is healed. I told him that also helps me feel more secure and taken care of.


I also told him about opal's thread here about communication between neurotypicals and Aspie partners, and that I had been reading websites about it as well. He finally said he appreciated all the work and care I am putting into all this, how some people would just avoid this kind of work.

So, I feel good about this and I hope it helps me finally get some compersion going. I also read some writings Buddhist posted on Fetlife and thought she sounded intelligent and on a similar life quest as I am, sexually adventurous but wanting "sacred sex," emotional connection. She called herself a slut at one point, but in a fun way. I am not sure she has her ETHICAL slut ducks all in a row yet, but I think she's on that path. So maybe she is worthy of my bf.

Meanwhile miss p is seeming to have a relapse of her flu. She worked too hard on moving shit in the basement, and taking care of me, too soon and now she's sick again and has been sleeping almost all day. I still have a slight fever, but managed to walk the dog and do a lot of dishes and take out trash!
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #208  
Old 01-29-2014, 10:40 PM
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I haven't been commenting (trying not to blab all over your blog thread), but I'm glad you had that talk - it seems like it really worked out well. Here's hoping you all get past the illnesses that have been going around like wildfire, and that the stressors start dropping off... And maybe the warming trend over the next few days will help, who knows.

Be well! And good luck with the asbestos removal! Do you have a date yet?
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Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 11), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
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  #209  
Old 01-31-2014, 04:22 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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I continue to heal. The day after The Talk with Ginger, yesterday, he came over because I felt like my fever is gone and we had great sex. I also had great sex with miss p last night, including kinky stuff. Yay. So great to be feeling something approaching normal again.

Ginger also stayed to walk the dog with me, and then I sent him home even though he offered to stay longer. I was hungry and needed a nap. I am sleeping better now that we've cleared the air. It was kinda funny in our talk, how he resisted the idea that he has 5 sexual/emotional relationships, and so does Buddhist. I think once I finally pinned him down about the actual number of her lovers, and his, and did the math, it gave him pause. He likes being fluid bonded with me, of course...

We are making weekend plans. I finally heard from my landlord. Asbestos removal date is finally set--Monday! So, I had been discussing a sleepover with Ginger and we've made this plan: he comes over Saturday and we move out the rest of the stuff downstairs except for the couch and TV. Then we all 3 watch a sexy movie (I am thinking the D/s classic, Secretary). Next day, move out TV and couch.

Our long national nightmare is coming to an end! I hope! We still then need to have new carpet put in, plus some hopefully attractive vinyl in the half bath down there. Be great to have that done the very next day.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37

Last edited by Magdlyn; 01-31-2014 at 04:25 PM.
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  #210  
Old 01-31-2014, 04:32 PM
london london is offline
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The idea of someone being worthy of my partner is something I struggle with.
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