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  #41  
Old 04-07-2010, 04:55 PM
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dagypsy - I felt the same way you did when this started with me and my husband. I do understand your hurt and anger - I've experienced it. It has taken me a really long time to understand and accept this. I have told my husband again and again how selfish he was being and how much his selfishness was hurting me. I am not just sitting back and playing the victim. I love my husband, his love for me is stronger than ever, and I have no concerns (anymore) that he will leave me. If I gave up (which I have wanted to do again again) my life would be much, much worse. What would I gain by getting divorced? Nothing. It would be emotionally unbearable and it would hurt our children. He is my best friend and I don't want to lose him. I made the decision to stay in my marriage, to work towards acceptance and understanding and to give my husband the freedom to explore this other relationship. I am in no way being forced. And should his relationship with his girlfriend end - then there will be no others. He does not feel like he NEEDS to have other relationships to be happy. What happened was that he fell in love with someone he has known for 5 years. He didn't go searching for her. It happened and I love him enough to let him be who he is at this point in our marriage. We are not the same people we were when we met 19 years ago. People evolve and change. Marriages evolve and change.

My husband still loves me, is still committed to me and our children. He comes home everynight. He helps around the house (more than a lot of men I know.). He takes the time to let me know that I am loved. He NEVER misses a family event, our sons games, our daughters recitals. He is doing the best he can to keep our marriage and our homelife unchanged. He is typically with her when either: I'm at work, when he should be at work (he'll occaisonally take a day off here and there to see her,) or after work when I am home sleeping. He does his best to make sure he is not choosing time with her over time with me and our kids. Also - he needs her AND I to be happy. If I left him - his relationship with her would probably end. If they split up - then he will be hurt and it will have an impact on our marriage that we would work on together.

He wants me to be happy. If I wanted to sleep with someone else or wanted a boyfriend - he is ok with that. This isn't all about him. I simply choose not to at this time.

dagypsy - you have to make this decision for yourself. I think it is great that you are trying to understand this lifestyle. A lot of women wouldn't even bother. You have to decide if you would be happier staying in your relationship and learning acceptance or ending your relationship. The hurt and pain this has caused me is nothing compared to how I would feel if I lost him.

I wish you luck - I know it's not easy.

Kat
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  #42  
Old 04-07-2010, 05:05 PM
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And when he gets tired of that woman, woman number three can't be far behind.
This statement brings to light the difference I feel towards being in a stable multi-partner relationship and an "open one". Being in a relationship with a person who also has other partners has proven to be healthy and possible for me. The concept of being in an open relationship where people come and go does not.

This is a question that has to be asked for someone who is monogamous in a relationship with a person who is non-monogamous. If you can handle the introduction of a new partner, does that imply you will be able and healthy if there is a of cycle or expection of adding others?
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Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 04-07-2010 at 07:04 PM.
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  #43  
Old 04-07-2010, 05:25 PM
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I think one of the things that got to me the most in the beginning is that they do stuff now that my husband and I use to do but kind of fell out of practice.
I use to play around and call him "sir" and things like that. But he said he didn't like that so I stopped. I use to wear cute thongs and garters under my clothes. But as time went by I stopped doing it because it became such a hassle for me. He use to call me his Angel and that eventually stopped over the years as well.
Then J comes along and she is his Kitten. She wears the cute clothes now and he loves when she calls him sir. And I feel now if I start doing those things again I come across as a copycat or desparate to take away from her.
I have noticed he has started calling me Angel again and I really love the effort he puts into making me feel special by doing that.

Dag- it is easy to feel the way you do. We have all been there. I know for me it came down to the fact that I have a baby with this man. That is something that has brought an even stronger connection than just being in love. We have a bond that cannot be broken. I have been with him since high school so that makes about 15 years now. We have seen each other through times that would have torn most couples apart before this. We have seen so much. I have seen him cry at movies and held his hand while his mother went through surgery and then more surgeries.
He has held me while I watched my own parents marriage fall apart. He has sided with me in arguments with other people when he knows I have been in the wrong. He rushed to my side if I was sick during pregnancy and supported me when I wanted to change jobs.
We are best friends in the deepest sense of the word. That is how this is more than him just running around getting laid. It is so much deeper than that because I know him better than anyone else out there. I know when it comes to his happiness i am willing to sacrifice a little and work around something that is important to him. He comes home to me, not her. He goes and spends a few hours with her and I get the benefit of him coming home and showing me his smile. And that smile isn't because he has had sex with his girlfriend. It is because our bond has been strengthened because we are being open and honest in a way that most couple crave desparately.
If I met someone else I know he would want my same happiness. He would go through the same pain and anguish. But he would not stand in my way. I am not saying this is what I want. But I know he respects my needs and in return I show the same respect.
When he comes home from being with her he talks to me. We haven't really talked in years. But we do now. We talk about his night with her and how he feels towards her verses me. He repeats every time that he loves me more and that that will never change. He loves her in a different way than he could ever love me. I am not afraid of loosing him as much anymore. I still have the fears of not being enough and wishing there was more I can do. But it is a one day at a time process. And it is something you have to sit down and talk to him about. And as much as you don't want to, you need to talk to her as well. J and I have come this far because I talk to her and make her talk to me. The imagination can be very deadly in these circumstances. Truth is the only way to get through it.
I hope this helps some. Good Luck.
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  #44  
Old 04-07-2010, 09:50 PM
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Default Harder days

For you veterans out there,
Does it make sense to have days where there really isn't a trigger. It is just a normal day. But you just can't seem to get it together. If my husband were not at work he would put his arms around me and we would just lay in bed watching king of the hill all day. I would feel fine as long as I had him near me. I don't really have a trigger today. It just feels harder than yesterday. Tomorrow might be easier. It is just a day I feel at a low and I am not sure why. He was home early last night and we were great. I think I have come so dependent on him through this it is hard to be happy when he is at work. and I know it isn't because he works with her. I just feel a sense of lonliness today.
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  #45  
Old 04-08-2010, 03:38 AM
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There are moments and even days where I just live in it, without thinking of the possibilities and what I see as inevitabilities. Even the moments I'm triggered the amount of love I have carries me through.
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  #46  
Old 04-08-2010, 04:11 AM
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
This is a question that has to be asked for someone who is monogamous in a relationship with a person who is non-monogamous. If you can handle the introduction of a new partner, does that imply you will be able and healthy if there is a of cycle or expection of adding others?
Hell Mon,

This is a question that has to be asked if you are poly-fi by nature too.
I say this because I can handle the introduction of a new partner, but I can NOT handle a "revolving door". Nope, no way.
Also-I don't WANT a revolving door for myself. I have the two men I am in love with. If one of them left, I would not go seeking another. (ok maybe if it were you Mon hahahaha).
No-seriously, I don't want to experience every opportunity available, I just want to be with the two men I'm in love with, for life.
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Old 04-08-2010, 04:35 AM
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[QUOTE=KatTails;25602]
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I cannot and will not give up my marriage, my husband, my best friend, my lover, my childrens father, my life, my everything! He means the world to me and my world would be nothing without him. So I have to learn this new way of thinking. I grew up with the societal expectations and definitions of marriage. Its hard to think any other way. But I'm trying.
I think that it's awesome that you can see the importance of learning. Not just about "poly" just LEARNING. Regardless of how things end up with the girlfriend, if you two go back to being mono or the poly stays-you will be more equipped to be there for other people who experience this, because you took the time to learn. ALSO you will be more able to really connect with your husband EVEN MORE because you are learning about yourself, about him, about "US" (your us) and that's AWESOME!
Quote:
I think a lot of my negative emotions come from the fact that I sometimes feel like she is trying to take him from me. That the 19 years of ups and downs, good times, bad times and horrible times now mean nothing..................... I hate that she thinks she knows him as well as I do - like the 19 years are insignificant.............. That is what hurts me more than anything. Those are the things I am trying to work through on the way to my goal of compersion. It's been extremely difficult though!
I think Maca struggled with this also. Ironically I have 17 years with GG and only 12 with Maca (Maca is my husband). But the feeling was the same. I felt that he was minimizing the 5 extra years of deep friendship I had shared with GG.
Now that he's opened up to allowing me to REALLY talk to him (Maca) about my relationship with GG, he's learning that there ARE intimacies, secrets, experiences I have with him that I don't share with GG. There are also some with GG that I don't share with Maca. One relationship isn't less because the other expands-they are each fully individual relationships. The special moments I share with one does not in anyway take away the importance to me of the special moments I share with the other.

I
Quote:
think it would be one thing if when I meet my husband 18 years ago that he told me he was poly. Because then I would have had the opportunity to make the decision myself if this is something I can learn to understand and accept........... Obviously I have chosen the latter - but it's a process of ups and downs.
Yes-I think even for me (the one who came out poly) it would have been much easier had I known what was "wrong" with me BEFORE we married and could have started out on clear footing. In trying to find myself I hurt him, but I also hurt me AND I also hurt GG. Thankfully we were ALL willing to "stick it out" through hell (been there) and high water (nearly drowned) until we figured out how to make it work (getting there).
All of life is a process of ups and downs. Don't be down on yourself that this detail of your life is as well. It's to be expected.
Quote:
Until he brought up that the girlfriend wants more of a committment from him. She wants to start meeting his family and friends.
See, more of a commitment I could *maybe* see. At least I can see expressing that she wants it-doesn't mean he does, or that he will, but it's good to express your desires.
As for meeting the family-I have to say-I REALLY strongly feel that until YOU AND SHE have a relationship that is TRULY functional and comfortable AND your husband and her husband do as well AND preferably you and her husband do as well-it would be "jumping the gun" for her to be meeting anyone else in the extended family....

Now-before someone flames me, GG did know my whole family. BUT GG was my best friend BEFORE Maca and I started dating. I didn't go around telling them "hey GG is my boyfriend" until Maca was comfortable with that being known. HE (Maca) told his own dad, he told his brother, but not the rest of his family-one of them works at the local grocery store, I know this-so I don't do anything.... suggestive.... of the depth of my relationship with GG when I go to that store. My family does know now, except my sil. So we're comfortable cuddling on the couch (me between the two of them) if my family is visiting. BUT-I would never invite GG to an extended family get together and NOT invite Maca.
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  #48  
Old 04-08-2010, 05:05 AM
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ak - my husband has a nickname for his girlfriend too and it pisses me off. Why does she get one and I don't? We were young when we met and he was just a typical guy - he didn't believe in cutesy things like nicknames which is why we never gave them to each other. Now, he is much more loving, tender and romantic - he's just a different man now. He also uses other cutesy terms for her - but I am going to assume that's due to the NRE that he is feeling for her. He said he would give me one - but that just feels forced and I don't really need one to know I'm cherished - but it does piss me off that she has one. I hate when I hear it or see the word. But I'll get over it eventually.
Kat-
let him come up with one that he FEELS for you.
When Maca accepted me being poly (and it was hell for him too), I fell in love with him ALL over again. I wanted to call him by something special to show that. I do have a special name for GG and have for a long time, but I have one for Maca too.

It is hard to not compare/contrast. It's not even bad to do so sometimes.
But don't compare your selfworth to the standard of another woman ladies.

As the poly-person in my relationship, I can speak to the fact that there is no comparison.

Maca is sexy in his own right.
GG is sexy in his own right.
I love them both.

You are mothers, THAT makes you beautiful. Have you ever really considered how MIRACULOUS it is that you can create life? THAT is beautiful.

The worst thing that society has done to us women is set us up to compete against one another for our own self-esteem and worse we compete against imaginary air-brushed women.

Right now I have black and blue breasts. No, I'm not kidding. I had a breast reduction for health issues (neck damage). I was an F cup. I had finally lost all of the baby weight (from 216 lbs down to 155 lbs and I'm 5 ft 8). I had that "very curvy" body that we always get taught men like.
Now I have B cups that are black and blue, been wrapped in bandages for 2 weeks. At the 1 week mark with black stitches all over my "pointy sideways football shaped" boobs (used descriptions that were given, no I didn't make that up), Maca took pictures of them. He's in love with ME for ME. He doesn't love me less because I was a busty woman when he fell for me and now I'm not.

Most men don't see the same things we think that they do ladies.

GG made that clear to me when we were talking and he was describing me. I was like, "hey dumbass, I haven't looked like you are describing since 2 babies and 10 years ago!" He stared at me like I was stupid. To him I DO look JUST LIKE THAT.

Look at yourselves in the mirror, every day we woman do that and we pinpoint all the bad spots, yeah yeah yeah, those exist. BUT THIS TIME look for the good parts. REALLY LOOK, no matter how "minor" you think they are, what ARE your good points?
Is it your eyes? Are they captivating? Do you have gorgeous greens?
beautiful browns?
blazing blues?
hottie hazels?
Do you have amazing lips?
Is your skin awesomely clear?
Is it your hair (Maca LOVED my hair and then I chopped it all off)?
Is it your legs?
Ass?
Feet?

what is it?
What is it about YOU that is beautiful?

You all three talk about feeling like the "boring wife at home".
I have 4 kids and regularly care for another 4-6. I'm a sahm. I did own my own business for a few years but due to medical stuff that had to stop.
I COULD be the "boring wife at home", I choose not to.

What do YOU like to do that is exciting?
DO IT.
It's GOOD for your kids to see that making yourself a priority is OK as an adult. You want them to be happy adults, you don't want them to feel like they are "boring" or "unsatisfied" or "not good enough" when they grow up, so set the example of what a happy, satisfied, exciting woman does!

I wanted to learn to ballroom dance. I joined a class, with my then 9 year old son. It was AWESOME! He and I had a GREAT time with each other AND I got to dance with the other adults and he with the other kids in between dancing with each other. We both got to know other people and had a blast. Month two my hubby came as well (once a week class) and we did 4 months or so before I had to stop due to health issues.
It was AWESOME and Maca still enjoys grabbing me and practing a few steps which is fun for us!

I love walking and want to do the ironman (not in ANY shape for that right now) so I started doing it. Now Maca goes with me some of the time and so does GG. Because they see how great it makes ME feel and they want to participate in time with me.

What do you ladies enjoy doing?

Go shopping. Take a girlfriend you trust-go to a lingerie store or even JCPenneys or Sears. Have them help you pick out every imaginable nightie. Take your butt in the dressing room, try them on one at a time, get your friends opinion on which one looks BEST. Which one makes YOU FEEL sexy-then buy it.

Yes I know-money is tight with families with kids-but you're only talking ONE nightie. Even if you only save $5 per paycheck-a couple months you can afford it.

Then-light a candle in your room, put on the sexy nightie, make the bed with clean sheets, toss the blankets off the bed out of the way and wait for him after the kids are in bed.
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  #49  
Old 04-08-2010, 05:13 AM
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It seems to me that in many cases, woman number one settles for what she gets. The man is off being in love and using cutesy names and spending more and more time with number two and meantime, the cherished woman number 1 sits at home, is jealous, fights back tears, and is hurt. This doesn't sound like a lifestyle. It's a man doing what he damned well pleases while trying to justify it to his wife. I just don't get it. I am leaning more toward giving up than working as part of a three man team. Woman number one does a lot of compromising and settling with what she gets. I don't get the feeling that these are balanced relationships. Many of these poor women are just holding on to a thread and it seems cruel to me that these husbands believe this a satisfactory arrangement for everyone. Reading these discussion boards is depressing me even more. I know he loves me but I am not enough anymore. It takes woman number two to make him feel masculine now. And when he gets tired of that woman, woman number three can't be far behind.
Wow honey-as you describe it, it's NOT a lifestyle. It's a mess.
But it isn't that way for all of us on the board. And it's not all men...
I'm definately all woman-and I'm poly. My husband-bless his soul found a way to give me 6 months of him trying to figure out how to live with me being poly-and my BF already lived with us as a roommate. It's been 6 months-and hubby's not leaving, we've learned so much about each other and are so happy together.

But even at that-it takes gentleness on all sides.

I haven't yet gone out overnight with BF, I don't know if I ever will. And when i say that-I don't sleep in his bedroom at night either. If Maca (hubby) is home, I'm in bed with him. He does occassionally work out of town and I have slept with my bf those nights-but that's not common.

I don't have sex with BF if Maca is home and NEVER EVER in our bed or our bathroom. That would be cruel. Most of the time I don't even kiss him in front of Maca and if I cuddle with him, it's generally both of them, one on each side.

But as I said-there are others who are mono on this board-who aren't the women, but are men. Mono is one for sure, and his girlfriend is poly, as is her husband.

YOUR situation very well may be...... unreasonable. But please-for the sake of those of us who do treat our spouses with love, commitment, understanding and care, please read through some of the posts that are on the general board so you can see that it's not a "guy taking advantage of girl" thing here. Some guys may use this as a way to take advantage, but there are a lot of men and women like myself who are not.
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  #50  
Old 04-08-2010, 05:41 AM
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LR suggested that I might be able to respond to this thread from" a been there done" that point of view.

Im really not in a good enough place to write right now so I will take some time to formulate my thoughts and Ill respond in the morrow.I can tell you that there is a rainbow on the other side.



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