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  #31  
Old 01-24-2014, 05:43 PM
hellokitty hellokitty is offline
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This DADT thing is hard to manage, especially living together. And tbh I'm starting to think that was never even truly on the table to begin with. Gf made it very clear she didn't wanna argue about this stuff anymore and told me she knows what I need and that I'm going to do what I want... But just as my therapist warned me it's just a cop out to avoid truly dealing w things. Bc then when I DO go & do what I want there's arguments, accusations, passive aggressiveness. Icky drama that makes me feel bad.

I love her so much and everything else in our relationship is wonderful, happy, perfect. But I want to date other people and I don't think she will ever be able to accept that. I feel so selfish and stupid even considering giving up this amazing love I've found for the freedom to be with other people. But I can't help but feel so strongly about it. Idk what to do. And I know I sound like a god damn broken record going around in circles with this but it's just not easy.

This DADT stuff makes me feel like shit. I feel like a liar and a cheater which I DESPISE. Thats not me. That's not who I am or what I believe in. Wtf??? How did I get here???? What am I doing??? I feel so fucked...!!!! ;(
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  #32  
Old 01-24-2014, 07:32 PM
Spock Spock is offline
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Originally Posted by hellokitty View Post
This DADT thing is hard to manage, especially living together. And tbh I'm starting to think that was never even truly on the table to begin with. Gf made it very clear she didn't wanna argue about this stuff anymore and told me she knows what I need and that I'm going to do what I want... But just as my therapist warned me it's just a cop out to avoid truly dealing w things. Bc then when I DO go & do what I want there's arguments, accusations, passive aggressiveness. Icky drama that makes me feel bad.
She probably isn't being honest because she doesn't want to deal with it.

To be fair to her, if she really is mono then she shouldn't really be dealing with it.

She should be treating you're excursions, I think, as if you were hanging out with friends; technically you are, right?

Quote:
I love her so much and everything else in our relationship is wonderful, happy, perfect. But I want to date other people and I don't think she will ever be able to accept that. I feel so selfish and stupid even considering giving up this amazing love I've found for the freedom to be with other people. But I can't help but feel so strongly about it. Idk what to do. And I know I sound like a god damn broken record going around in circles with this but it's just not easy.

This DADT stuff makes me feel like shit. I feel like a liar and a cheater which I DESPISE. Thats not me. That's not who I am or what I believe in. Wtf??? How did I get here???? What am I doing??? I feel so fucked...!!!! ;(
You have to decide what you need.

I'm pretty mono. I'm not really against poly, but I've never cultivated it so I don't really have that aspect in my life.

The way I handle my wife's intent (she is being very gradual, for which I am grateful) is to think of my wife as having friends she deserves to be with and hang out with. The hard part is to imagine sex as one of those hobbies she does with her friends, given that I've been trained my whole life to be a monogamist.

It doesn't help really that even a couple years ago my wife explicitly said she wouldn't tolerate infidelity, so this is still something we are working out.

So maybe the way to go about this gently is to just have friendships and build up her sense of trust in you. Just hanging out with friends, just having coffee, just whatever that you do with people you love that doesn't require crossing the sex boundary.

Of course the question is, "Why is sex out of bounds?"

The answer is, "Why are you staying with a GF who can't handle your extra-curricular activities?"

There's no real hard and fast rules here other than being compassionate, on both sides.
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  #33  
Old 01-24-2014, 10:47 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Look, you are working yourself up. It's not FUN to feel, but take all evaluations and feelings out of it. Focus on behaviors. Try it on in your head.

HYPOTHETICAL BEHAVIOR: YOU BREAK UP WITH HER.

Test 1:
  • She wants to stop fighting.
  • You want to stop fighting.

Yep, breaking up solves that.

Test 2:
  • She is willing for you to date and deal with it as it comes.
  • You tried that approach, did not like it, are not willing to CONTINUE taking that approach.

Yep, breaking up at this time solves all that.

Test 3:
  • You want to be free of dadt .

Yep. Breaking up at this time solves that.

Test 4:
  • You don't want to give up loving her at this time.

Breaking up does not affect that. You can keep on loving her as her ex. Not in the same way as her GF, but you can love her. Nothing and nobody is stopping you from carrying love in your heart for her.

CONCLUSION:

Hard as it is? So the suckage can END for all of you? Break up. Do what needs doing to free all of you from circles.

Step OFF the merry go round. The price of admission? Emotional courage. Man up and go for it. Be willing to be sad, be willing to heal, and then be willing to feel better.

You will all be ok in the end, honest.


Quote:
This DADT stuff makes me feel like shit. I feel like a liar and a cheater which I DESPISE. Thats not me. That's not who I am or what I believe in. Wtf??? How did I get here???? What am I doing??? I feel so fucked...!!!! ;(
You got here because feelings ensue after behavior. You chose behavior that did not agree with maintaining your spiritual health. Keep choosing it. When people do that, it is hard for them to feel proud of themselves for dinging their own spirit.

You could choose to re-align your behavior with what you do believe in -- so you can return to right relationship with yourself. Then you can feel better in spirit over time.

No judgement here. I mean that kindly.

But I see you continuing this way round and round when you could just... STOP. Even you see it and seem tired of the going in circles.

It really is that easy to not be eroding your spirit. STOP. Surrender, no more effort made. Just... stopping.

Could tell her you love her, you always will, but this is going in circles.... Grinding people down. So let's just STOP. Let's let it go. Let go of all the arguing and fighting and all that. Just.... stop.

Then you both can move on to the business of healing.

That is my suggestion to you. Just... stop. What could you need from you or her to become ok with the idea stopping?

hugs
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-25-2014 at 07:17 AM.
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  #34  
Old 01-24-2014, 10:57 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is online now
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I love her so much and everything else in our relationship is wonderful, happy, perfect. But I want to date other people and I don't think she will ever be able to accept that. I feel so selfish and stupid even considering giving up this amazing love I've found for the freedom to be with other people. But I can't help but feel so strongly about it. Idk what to do. And I know I sound like a god damn broken record going around in circles with this but it's just not easy
Oh, boy, do I relate! My husband and I have been having this battle for a year. My current arrangement with my husband is DADT. If someone comes along in my life for whom I grow strong feelings for, I am to tell him "There's someone I want to spend more time with," and we'll work out some guidelines. If it's another woman, he thinks he'll be able to handle it. If it's a man, he says he can't promise he won't freak. Either way, I'm supposed to be discreet in public (small town,) people I date are not to come around me when he's around (he works a lot so its doable,) and he doesn't want to know who they are, they aren't to interfere in his life in any way.

I have told him that I feel he's setting me up to fail. A casual fling or friends-with-benefits can survive those rules, but how can I expect a loving relationship with someone I have to keep a secret? Of course, my husband wants me to happy, but on the other hand, he doesn't REALLY want me to get serious about anyone else.

So I understand your dilemma. Do you leave this person you love over this one thing? Whose to say you'll be happier dating whoever you want once the person you loved most is gone? So you make compromises, and so do they. But will they ever really be comfortable with this? Will we?

I made the decision recently to stop trying to solve this all at once, otherwise both me and hubby will lose our minds. I'm just going to see how it all evolves, I'm going to be grateful for the love and freedom I've already got, and when the time comes that I need to ask for more, I will. This has stopped the struggle between us, calmed me immensely, and let me stay in touch with my feelings of love for my husband while still leaving me open to any attractions floating around me.

Last edited by LoveBunny; 01-24-2014 at 11:11 PM.
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  #35  
Old 01-24-2014, 11:05 PM
Spock Spock is offline
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I love her so much and everything else in our relationship is wonderful, happy, perfect. But I want to date other people and I don't think she will ever be able to accept that. I feel so selfish and stupid even considering giving up this amazing love I've found for the freedom to be with other people. But I can't help but feel so strongly about it. Idk what to do. And I know I sound like a god damn broken record going around in circles with this but it's just not easy
Oh, boy, do I relate! My husband and I have been having this battle for a year. My current arrangement with my husband is DADT. If someone comes along in my life for whom I grow strong feelings for, I am to tell him "There's someone I want to spend more time with," and we'll work out some guidelines. If it's another woman, he thinks he'll be able to handle it. If it's a man, he says he can't promise he won't freak. Either way, I'm supposed to be discreet in public (small town,) people I are date are not to come around me when he's around (he works a lot so its doable,) and he doesn't want to know who they are, they aren't to interfere in his life in any way.

I have told him that I feel he's setting me up to fail. A casual fling or friends-with-benefits can survive those rules, but how can I expect a loving relationship with someone I have to keep a secret? Of course, my husband wants me to happy, but on the other hand, he doesn't REALLY want me to get serious about anyone else.
It's pretty easy, he wants to monopolize you. I know that's how I feel about my own wife. It's really not easy to go from the assumption that your life is monopolized to one where it isn't.

I'm not judging here, and don't wish to be judged either. Our culture and upbringing assumes monopolization as the norm.

Quote:
So I understand your dilemma. Do you leave this person you love over this one thing? Whose to say you'll be happier dating whoever you want once the person you loved most is gone? So you make compromises, and so do they. But will they ever really be comfortable with this? Will we?

I've decided to stop trying to solve this all at once, otherwise both me and hubby will lose our minds. I'm just going to see how it all evolves, I'm going to be grateful for the love and freedom I've already got, and when the time comes that I need to ask for more, I will.

Serious question, do you have strong, good friendships outside of your husband? People he doesn't normally associate with?

How much time do you dedicate to that? What kind of allowances do you have for that?
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  #36  
Old 01-24-2014, 11:26 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi hellokitty,

It is paramount at this time that you decide whether you are venting, or giving voice to the cry of every part of your heart, body, mind, and soul. If venting, then acknowledge that this is a difficult time for you and your girlfriend, but that it's worth enduring the ick so that the two of you can find some common ground and live in peace on that ground. But if it's more than venting, then it looks like you're preparing to ride this runaway train until it crashes. I'm not sure I'd recommend that.

Re (from hellokitty):
Quote:
"I love her so much and everything else in our relationship is wonderful, happy, perfect."
Is this the truth, and if it is, then why are you focusing so much on the negative? If it's not the truth, then why are you trying to defend an excuse for riding along with the status quo? Either way, I am hearing a cognitive dissonance in the quoted statement.

Perhaps a pro/con sheet would help, describing what you get out of staying with your girlfriend and trying to get along with her, as well as what doing so costs you, and then another pro/con sheet describing what breaking up with her would cost you, what benefits it would make possible, and whether that's worth it?

It seems to me that you're probably still venting and not at all ready to break up with this woman whom you love. But it is hard for me to hear the venting, and know that what you really want me to hear is that, "But this is such a wonderful relationship she and I have; please help me feel better about staying with her!"

The best I can do along those lines is to point out that she does have respect for your autonomy. By the way, does she want to break up?

Honestly? What I'm seeing is that you and she both want to stay together -- but also that each of you also wants (and believes that) the other to/will change. And I kind of doubt either of you is going to change. So what lies in your future? Let's say you two stay together. What will your life together look like in ten years? in fifty? Since you are closer than any of us to the situation, only you can possibly hope to objectively answer that question.
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  #37  
Old 01-24-2014, 11:29 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is online now
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It's pretty easy, he wants to monopolize you. I know that's how I feel about my own wife. It's really not easy to go from the assumption that your life is monopolized to one where it isn't.
Exactly, Spock! So I applaud that's he's come so far out of his comfort zone out of love for and understanding of me. I knew he was a regular joe when I fell in love with me, he knew I was a wild card. We both took our chances.

He works crazy hours, so I have a lot of time where he's out of the picture. Our social life is only sometimes intertwined, but we go out a lot separately too. We aren't one of those couples who are always together, or who only hang with other couples. My good friends know when I'm seeing someone, and they 're discreet. So far, I've mostly managed to keep worlds from colliding (except in the very beginning when it was a bit mess.) But inevitably, at some point, he's going to go from not exactly knowing if I am, to KNOWING I AM. He says he's preparing himself for that inevitability too. I've got to trust him, I have no reason not to.

But I don't want to derail HELLOKITTY's post! But it is a very similar situation. If DADT is do-able for the OP depends on many factors, internal and external.

Last edited by LoveBunny; 01-24-2014 at 11:34 PM.
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  #38  
Old 01-24-2014, 11:42 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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... but I want....
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But I want ....(
Life isn't all about what we want.
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