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Old 04-07-2010, 04:19 PM
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tinylove tinylove is offline
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 39


Yes I am actually seeing a therapist for my past traumas.I have been seeing one for years. I do realize that a forum such as this is not a place to come and vent about my past.

We spoke last night and realized that right now is not a good time for me to start any romantic relationships until things open up for me.

So me and my husband have agreed that right now we will only have friendships and see what happens.

We have also decided to try and spend more time with each other other than just with the kids.
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Old 04-07-2010, 04:31 PM
kamala kamala is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Deepest Darkest
Posts: 51

Everyone seems to have really sensible advice. We don't know what happened in your past, but intuitively I would say that you be careful with yourself and maybe try resolve that before moving into dynamics with other people...

In my case at least, I found that willingly putting myself in a situation with others, and opening myself up to that risk etc., brought up a lot of weaknesses, amplified them and made me look at them THEN AND THERE.

Polyamory has a way of poking a finger right into the things that hurt the most. In that sense I think it's an amazing way to grow and change as a person, but if you're not feeling grounded to begin with, maybe make that your priority...?

I think in time, this stuff gets easier, but with my SO's now ex-girlfriend, it never got easier, because it was never something she fundamentally wanted. And so it wasn't a constructive struggle towards something, but just her hurting herself.

I think you're wise to take it slow

Perhaps this could be an opportunity for you to heal some of those past hurts?
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Old 04-07-2010, 07:05 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
Posts: 1,467

In our case there was an inordinate amount of talking to start with - lasted quite a few years, too. Things that hadn't been said needed to be said, and it was vitally important that things were understood, not just spoken. Lots of crises, lots of misinterpreted actions, often using a monogamous paradigm. Some talk was just to repair the damage that had been done by years of NOT talking.

But after a while things did calm down, and things got back to a more regular routine. There is still more talking about issues and trying to understand than there used to be, but I think that we see this as a positive, rather than a negative. We actually invest the time to make sure that the person we care about really gets what's going on, and that we get where they are.

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
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Old 04-07-2010, 08:32 PM
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idealist idealist is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Deep South
Posts: 545

I encourage you to continue with your therapy and maybe do some group work if you haven't done that. See if your therapist can suggest a weekend intensive if that would be appropriate for you. Even a week-long retreat where you can just focus on yourself.

I really feel for you.....I know about the intense and heart wrenching fear of losing your lover....your only lover; and how it seems that you will actually lose yourself in the process. And you would lose part of yourself if you lost him.....so the thing I would suggest is to spend time developing, and nurturing a part of yourself which is just for you.....a part of yourself which doesn't depend on anyone else. I have a part of myself that is just for me and that's where I go for comfort when I'm scared.
The key to life is in being fully engaged and peacefully detached simultaneously and authentically in each moment.
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Old 04-08-2010, 12:44 PM
EugenePoet EugenePoet is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 145

Interesting, Idealist...my GF told me once that only her father and her husband have been able to make her feel like everything is OK in her world, and that she would really like to be able to generate that feeling for herself. It's something we work on sometimes.

tinylove, I'm really happy to hear that you've been working with a therapist. I have someone I see every few years when I get blocked and can't understand why.
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