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  #11  
Old 01-24-2014, 03:36 AM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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How much information is shared depends o your partner's comfort level. They get to choose what info you share about them.
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  #12  
Old 01-24-2014, 05:29 AM
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Originally Posted by WCoaster View Post
When do your other partners find out about each other? Birthdays? Christmas? Vacation time?
What do you mean by "find out about each other"? To me that sounds as if they have no knowledge of the others' existence until a special occasion comes up, but that doesn't make sense so I think I've misunderstood.
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  #13  
Old 01-24-2014, 05:39 AM
WCoaster WCoaster is offline
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What do you mean by "find out about each other"? To me that sounds as if they have no knowledge of the others' existence until a special occasion comes up, but that doesn't make sense so I think I've misunderstood.
Well, I guess that is sort of the gist of my question.

What I have gleaned is it is good to let someone I date know that I see other people. I have a better understanding now that I could discuss with my current partners what I am OK with them sharing about me to others and what I am not OK with. Then it is up to them to manage their other relationships as they see fit.

Upon reflection that seems to be the only rational way to proceed. I suppose if certain relationships blossom as we all hope then other discussions could happen. IE time sharing, special events, etc.

Comments?
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  #14  
Old 01-24-2014, 07:45 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by WCoaster View Post
What I have gleaned is it is good to let someone I date know that I see other people. I have a better understanding now that I could discuss with my current partners what I am OK with them sharing about me to others and what I am not OK with. Then it is up to them to manage their other relationships as they see fit.
There is another side to the equation you are missing - and that is the amount of information any of your partners wants to hear. You might start dating someone who just doesn't want to know anything about anyone else, other than that you see other people. Or you could find someone who asks a zillion questions and wants to meet your partner. See, it's not just about what you and your current girlfriend want to share - it's also about what each and every person either of you get involved with wants to share and hear.

I mention that because there was a passage in your initial post that stood out to me:
Quote:
Originally Posted by WCoaster View Post
We both identify as polyamorous and have begun to refer to each other as "primary" as we are both looking for a very special solid relationship foundation to explore from.

We are currently communicating about anything we can think of that we feel needs to be dissected to help our mutual journey's thrive to the best of our abilities.
The fact that you mention being each other's primaries, along with the parts I bolded, seem to indicate that you might be looking at this as a Couple Plus Extras. Yes, it's great that you want a strong foundation, which is absolutely necessary, but what about anyone else either of you "explore" - like a project? And you mention wanting you and your current girlfriend's "journeys" in poly to thrive, but what about the other people? They will need to thrive on their journeys with you, too. So, I encourage you to not look at this so much through a lens of "Us Plus" but just remember that you are both two individuals in a relationship who also want to have other relationships, and realize that the people you meet and develop relationships with are just as important and deserve just as much respect and consideration as you have for each other. Recognize that each relationship will develop and grow in its own way and have its own dynamic unique to the people in it.

So, there really can't be any one blanket statement about how much or what to share with anyone, because it will depend on what they want as well as what you want.
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Last edited by nycindie; 01-24-2014 at 08:49 AM.
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  #15  
Old 01-24-2014, 01:34 PM
WCoaster WCoaster is offline
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Thank You nycindie,

These are thoughts that have begun to develop on my mind as I process these things. I often take things, as I like to say, "to there logical conclusion", and when I scroll forward that is exactly where I come to.

Thanks to everyone for taking some time to fill in the gaps for me and hopefully some others who may be following along.
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  #16  
Old 01-24-2014, 03:53 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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What I have gleaned is it is good to let someone I date know that I see other people. I have a better understanding now that I could discuss with my current partners what I am OK with them sharing about me to others and what I am not OK with. Then it is up to them to manage their other relationships as they see fit.
Correct. And same for you. It is up to YOU to manage YOUR relationships how YOU see fit.

It is in the word -- "relationship." It implies some back and forth exchange thing going on. Best to ask all participants their preferences for relating, and share relevant information up front so everyone can know where things stand and assess where they might want to go together.

See if things line up or what and not be shy about just putting it out there.
  • Person A would like X best. Is ok with Y.
  • Person B would like Y best, hates Z that is a total dealbreaker, could consider H.
  • Person C loves X, Y, and Z. Never heard of H.

Well, what could line up for all these 3 people is Y then. If they all want to participate in that, great! If not, don't then. Thank each other for their time and consideration and move on.

To sort yourselves out to see where compatibilities lie -- part of the purpose of dating, right? To find the compatible people that want similar to you at this time and if you like it, you make another date. If not, you don't.

Disappointment that things don't line could happen. But it is sorted -- not actually compatible here. Thanks. Then people move on. Not the end of the world.

Quote:
Upon reflection that seems to be the only rational way to proceed. I suppose if certain relationships blossom as we all hope then other discussions could happen. IE time sharing, special events, etc.
Yes, more conversations could happen in a continuing relationship. You don't just relate once and that's it. It isn't a severed relationship -- it's a continuing relationship, right?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-24-2014 at 04:51 PM.
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