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  #11  
Old 04-07-2010, 04:21 AM
StitchwitchD StitchwitchD is offline
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Originally Posted by kamala View Post
Do you think that people that have been hurt, or cheated on/betrayed or themselves done the cheating and betraying, are those people more likely to turn to polyamory as a sort of resignation to this less than ideal part of human nature?
Everyone has been hurt. Most adults have cheated, been cheated on, or been the 3rd party, or there's at least been temptation or suspicions. There are a few lucky people who fall in love at a young age and manage to stay together and be monogamous. My parents eloped when Mom was 15, and Dad was 19, they were married for 53 years until Mom died, and since then Dad just complains about missing her and how he's waiting to die. They fought constantly, but they stayed married, and did not cheat on each other (although I know Mom got hit on a lot),

So, I think monogamy can work just fine, if 2 people love each other and are only really interested in each other (well, Dad did his share of really obvious looking, he'd comment on the waitress' ass when we were out to eat, but it's not like a cute 18 yr old was going to be interested in a grumpy old man.) Under the right circumstances, I'd be willing to be monogamous, I just don't find that probable.
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  #12  
Old 04-07-2010, 12:46 PM
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I think a lot of the negative remarks about monogomy come after monogomous people try to ram there view point that what we are doing is wrong down our throut,
i hear it over and over again and sometimes every so often i want to scream at them that they are all wrong and im right, na na na, thats a childish reaction i know...

what i do believe is that polyamory works better for a lot of people, many of who don't even know they have another option, yes there are some monos that have great long lasting relationships, but oddly enough they don't seem to be the ones who complain to me about my lifestyle, its the people who are cheating, who have gone from one marrige to another, those are the people who seem to have the biggest problem with polyamory,

kind of ironic

Jools
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  #13  
Old 04-07-2010, 04:08 PM
kamala kamala is offline
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Wow, thanks for the replies everyone

Over and above how irritating it can be trying to defend and explain polyamory to people who just don't want any of it... the cynicism I was kind of talking about was more a question of: "I want to try this awesome thing, meet new people, learn some new things, experiment etc etc" versus "I already know this person is not going to be enough for me, just by sheer virtue of them being only one person, so I may as well just be honest and not even try being monogamous"

The latter seems cynical because you have already decided that there is this inherent lack...

From my brief experience polyamory has been hard work - hard work that I could have just as easily put into a monogamous relationship, ie spent that effort saying, yes, I think about other people, but no, I won't pursue them...

I mean, how many people here would be happy being monogamous if exactly the 100% right person came along, that fulfilled all your needs etc? And if that's the case, is your choosing to be polyamorous a gesture of bad faith in that being a possibility?

I don't mean to come across cheeky or anything. Sometimes I find the answers I'm looking for by following the line of reasoning that seems least logical to me...

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  #14  
Old 04-07-2010, 04:11 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by kamala View Post
I mean, how many people here would be happy being monogamous if exactly the 100% right person came along, that fulfilled all your needs etc? And if that's the case, is your choosing to be polyamorous a gesture of bad faith in that being a possibility?
I have a wife who 100% fullfill my "needs". My problem is I have more to give. Its the only way I can explain it.

My wife is poly (still debating this actually...lets say she is open) because I can't fullfill her needs, ironically....I am not a woman. She loves and desires women too.

Last edited by Ariakas; 04-07-2010 at 04:29 PM.
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  #15  
Old 04-07-2010, 04:20 PM
kamala kamala is offline
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Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
I have a wife who 100% fullfill my "needs". My problem is I have more to give. Its the only way I can explain it.
You know, I didn't think of that. Of conceptualising the size of the thing not in terms of your needs only, but what you want to give...

That's awesome
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  #16  
Old 04-07-2010, 07:17 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Originally Posted by Quath View Post
The way I see it is that polyamory is a new perspective on relationships. It focuses less on the idea that your partner is your possession and more on the idea that your partner is with you because they want to be with you. It deals with jealousy in a way that treats it as a sympton of a deeper feeling than the problem itself. It focuses much more on honesty and communication.

So I think this can work for multiple partners or just one.
I feel the need to quibble a little...

I think that polyamory is loving multiple people at once (or having the capacity to do so).

In order to do that you need to focus on all the things that you mention, which are totally excellent points.

But all of those things can (and should, in my opinion) be equally applied to a good monogamous relationship.

It's a fine distinction, I know, but when I have talked to some professional counsellors (in both a social and professional capacity) and have talked about what it takes to make poly work well, their reaction has pretty much been "well, this is great stuff, because this is what it takes to make ANY relationship work well".
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  #17  
Old 04-07-2010, 09:49 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kamala View Post

I mean, how many people here would be happy being monogamous if exactly the 100% right person came along, that fulfilled all your needs etc? And if that's the case, is your choosing to be polyamorous a gesture of bad faith in that being a possibility?

I don't mean to come across cheeky or anything. Sometimes I find the answers I'm looking for by following the line of reasoning that seems least logical to me...

For me it isn't about what is enough or who meets all my needs,
you could ask the same question about a couple who choose to have more than one child,
you could say
how many mothers out there would have a second child if the first met all there needs, and does that make any sense? When you realise its just not about that its about being capable of love and not viewing love and something like money that you only have so much off.

Jools
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  #18  
Old 04-08-2010, 04:47 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Originally Posted by kamala View Post
I mean, how many people here would be happy being monogamous if exactly the 100% right person came along, that fulfilled all your needs etc?
I wouldn't be, no matter how good the person was.

The idea of people being poly because their existing partner isn't good enough is a little condescending in my opinion. Yes, there may well be some people out there who are doing it for that reason, but there are a lot who are doing it because that's how they are wired. By the way you're not the first person who has drawn this conclusion that I have heard - I get it a lot when I talk about polyamory to my monogamous friends - I have also seen people try to date poly folk in order to "convert them" thinking that they are "good enough" to not make them want to be poly any more.

To me that shows a fundamental misunderstanding of (or lack of respect for) what is going on in my mind and how I choose to live my life.
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  #19  
Old 04-08-2010, 04:48 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
To me that shows a fundamental misunderstanding of (or lack of respect for) what is going on in my mind and how I choose to live my life.
Agreed
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  #20  
Old 04-08-2010, 05:33 PM
kamala kamala is offline
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Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
To me that shows a fundamental misunderstanding of (or lack of respect for) what is going on in my mind and how I choose to live my life.
Well, then you have both misunderstood me I don't see how there can be any disrespect in a question, I have often found that I learn a lot questioning myself about things that seem fundamental.

Besides, I happen to agree with you. Of course, there are people out there who turn to other people to fill gaps in their relationships.

CielDuMatin, I can't misunderstand or disrespect what you think or how you choose to live your life because I don't know you... I was merely posing a hypothetical question, about polyamory in general. Obviously I'm not attacking anyone's specific relationship choices Rather than condescending to you, my post was intended to uncover your motivations a little. I actually agree with your opinion... I have chosen the same lifestyle as you!...how did you come to know that you were happiest being polyamorous? What led up to the decision to finally identify yourself that way?
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