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  #31  
Old 04-07-2010, 02:00 AM
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KatTails KatTails is offline
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ak - you are saying so many of the things that I have said. It's scary and comforting. I have said many times that I feel like the boring wife and she is the fun, sexy girlfriend. I worry that he has more fun with her than with me - but then I accept that because they do not have a history, they do not have responsibilities together - - - he comes home to me every night, he is in my bed, holding me, every night, he is the father of my children, we have a mortgage, we are looking together for a new house, I am going to be the one sitting next to him on the porch in our rocking chairs when we are 80 years old - - - all things that she will NEVER have. I take comfort in that. He knows that my love is tried and true and that he can always rely on me to support him and to love him no matter what.

I understand about the hurt and anger boiling to the surface. I felt that way for a long time. I had to make a conscious decision to let that go because it wasn't doing me any good. Have you read "The Secret?" I am about half way through the book and have downloaded, but not watched the movie. The whole premise is that what you think about, will come true. Kind of like the self-fulfilling prophecy. I can be angry, resentful, jealous - but all that is going to bring me is anger, resentment and jealousy. No good comes of it. I want my husband to be happy, so I have to put happy out there in order to attract it. It sounds a little corny - but it does make sense. Try reading it and see what you think.

How are you doing tonight with him out with J? How were you able to become friends with her? I have tried again and again with my husbands girlfriend and we are good for a little bit, we talk, I feel like we agree on things - then things fall apart, mainly on my end. I do like her. I think she is a nice person who genuinely loves my husband - but then there is a part of me that still resents her for coming on to him in the first place, for thinking she knows him so well and for knowingly hurting me. We take one step forward and about 10 steps back. We are actually going to go out this weekend just her and I to try to get to know each other better and to hopefully talk some things through. I am nervous though. She really intimidates me and makes me feel insecure. Like she has some kind of power that I don't. How do you do it?
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  #32  
Old 04-07-2010, 02:01 AM
dagypsy dagypsy is offline
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What I don't get is how you are OK with your man loving someone else? He doesn't want this to be the end of us, but how can he justify putting me in this position? I have to make a choice. He gets loved no matter what I decide. Can I settle for this, can I compromise my life, can I understand this and be more than OK with it? I have to be better with it than just 'OK'. The thought of walking away is sickening (literally). The thought of gutsing it through the weekend, the long nights...it is also sickening (literally). I keep thinking, if he really loved me he wouldn't hurt me this way. I want to understand and try to accept before I condemn it. But I don't get it yet and my acceptance level is non-existent at the moment. Is being poly something you are born with like blue eyes or being gay or straight? Is it learned behavior? Is it an aversion to commitment?
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  #33  
Old 04-07-2010, 02:26 AM
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KatTails KatTails is offline
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dagypsy - you sound exactly like I did many months ago. I was ok with my husband and this woman having sex, because I can seperate sex and love. However, the night he told me that he was in love with her and that he said those words to her - was literally the worst night of my life. I have never cried so hard! Being ok with him loving someone else is not easy, and it doesn't happen right away. It has taken me many, many months. I have to compartmentalize their relationship. I don't deny it's here, but I have to look at it as something completely seperate from me. It is not a reflection of who I am or that there was something wrong in our marriage. I just try to be open minded and understand that he has the ability to love two people. Do you have children? We have two and I do not love one more than the other. When I got pregant with my second child - I was worried that I didn't have enough love in my heart for two. I worried that I would either not love him as much as my first or that I would love him more. Neither of those things happened. When he was born, my heart expanded and there was an overflowing amount of love. I love them equally, but differently. The same goes for polyamory.

I also wondered, and still do sometimes, how he could do this to me, how he could do something that so obviously hurt me. Then one night, a few days after he realized he was in love with her, he broke up with her because of the pain it was causing me. I can count on one hand the number of times I have seen my husband cry in 19 years - this was one. My husband is a manly man - but he cried all night long while I held him. He was physically heartbroken about losing her. It was then that I realized that he needed her in his life. That he would not be happy without her. And I would not be happy without him. It really wasn't a choice. It was reality. As long as I feel loved, needed, wanted, cherished, valued, respected and as long as I have his undying committment - then I am ok with him loving another woman. Not to say it doesn't still hurt sometimes, but those times are becoming less and less. I want him to be happy - and he needs BOTH her and I to be so. She is not and can not replace me. I have to let him be who he is, feel what he feels - knowing, he will always come back to me.

I don't know if I have answered your question. We all go through this in different ways and find different things to help us cope. I hope you can take a little something from each person on here. You are not alone - and knowing that is the first step in this process. If you haven't read any books on polyamory, I highly suggest it. The one I am reading now is Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino and Open by Jenny Block. I highly suggest reading them.

Hang in there!
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  #34  
Old 04-07-2010, 03:09 AM
ak2381 ak2381 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KatTails View Post
How are you doing tonight with him out with J? How were you able to become friends with her? I have tried again and again with my husbands girlfriend and we are good for a little bit, we talk, I feel like we agree on things - then things fall apart, mainly on my end. I do like her. I think she is a nice person who genuinely loves my husband - but then there is a part of me that still resents her for coming on to him in the first place, for thinking she knows him so well and for knowingly hurting me. We take one step forward and about 10 steps back. We are actually going to go out this weekend just her and I to try to get to know each other better and to hopefully talk some things through. I am nervous though. She really intimidates me and makes me feel insecure. Like she has some kind of power that I don't. How do you do it?
We started talking a little before I found out they were in love. We had many one on one chats by msn and texts. Two of our threesomes haappened before I knew the truth to it all. That really hurt. They had broken a very important rule about leaving me out. But the week I found I shut her out of my life completely. I erased her from all friends lists and took out her phone number. It was like she never existed to me. I did the whole demanding he never see her again. They work together so I insisted thhey never be alone at work. That of course never worked. It only encouraged him lying to me and me watching his every move. I did purposely read his phone when he wasn't looking and found he asked her for time and they would hopefully be together again soon. He even has a pet name for J. It is kitten. I hate that she haas a pet name. Reading those texts after I said he was to never contact her again was like the ice cold water waashing over me. It stung and I shook violently but I saw the light more clearly. I reapproached him and offered himan open relationship. He never really asked me for one or suggested it. But he often talked about how J and her husband were openand how great that was. I knew through those talks he needed this.
I threw her a nasty email. About how she betrayed my trust about the threesomes after everything we discussed. She never defended herself, just took it. After anothher week of anger and tears even after giving him the open relationship things were getting worse. It finally hit me one morning as I was curled ina ball in my bed dying from the pain the only way to make things easier was to be her friend for him, at least pretend. So J and I talked and talked and talked and talked. We met up in person and talked some more. She is back in my phone and friends lists. After each night with him she checks on me.it took sso much time to rebuild trust with her. I still have my issues. But we are all three very open now and hold nothing back.
Meeting with her is really a great idea. It will get everything outon the table. Don't be afraid to tell her she is moving too fast and needs to back off a little. She needs to know her place with u as well as with him.
I am off to bed now KT. Goodnight and good luck.
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  #35  
Old 04-07-2010, 01:00 PM
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KatTails KatTails is offline
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[QUOTE=GroundedSpirit;25739]
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Originally Posted by KatTails View Post

But in regards to the "competition" and how you "stop feeling like that" it might help if you viewed the conflict from a perspective of being a mindless puppet ! Because that's how modern society and the media treat us. As mindless drones ready for programming !
And most of this pain, competition etc is a testament to their success !

So how do you break it ? Maybe get fed up with being their mindless puppet and make a conscious choice that you will think (and react) to situations based on the TRUE facts in front of you as opposed to the lies and half truths you've been fed. It's a quest for independence and self definition.

The only way I know...........
But it IS a leap !
GS
Thank you GS - I do agree with you but it is hard to do. I am working on opening my mind up to new ways of thinking. I am trying to not react so quickly to my emotions but to look at things as they truly are, to look at the facts. It's a process but one that is worth every effort.
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  #36  
Old 04-07-2010, 01:34 PM
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KatTails KatTails is offline
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ak - my husband has a nickname for his girlfriend too and it pisses me off. Why does she get one and I don't? We were young when we met and he was just a typical guy - he didn't believe in cutesy things like nicknames which is why we never gave them to each other. Now, he is much more loving, tender and romantic - he's just a different man now. He also uses other cutesy terms for her - but I am going to assume that's due to the NRE that he is feeling for her. He said he would give me one - but that just feels forced and I don't really need one to know I'm cherished - but it does piss me off that she has one. I hate when I hear it or see the word. But I'll get over it eventually.

I'm at work and just talked to him - and he is meeting her for lunch. A little bit of jealousy has surfaced and I'm trying to talk myself out of it. The jealousy is not just that they are having lunch - but it's because they had Thursday and Friday together, they were out Monday night until 3:00am and now lunch today - she is seeing him more than I am. That's what bothers me. I'm not mad - because obviously I am at work and can't complain about what he does if it's not taking time from me - but it just bothers me when my husband sees his girlfriend more than me. The jealousy is slight and will go away quickly. Months ago - this would have sent me into a fit of jealousy, anger and a lot of crying. I'm seeing emotional progress and that feels good!

Have a great day - Kat
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  #37  
Old 04-07-2010, 03:46 PM
dagypsy dagypsy is offline
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Default jealousy...

It seems to me that in many cases, woman number one settles for what she gets. The man is off being in love and using cutesy names and spending more and more time with number two and meantime, the cherished woman number 1 sits at home, is jealous, fights back tears, and is hurt. This doesn't sound like a lifestyle. It's a man doing what he damned well pleases while trying to justify it to his wife. I just don't get it. I am leaning more toward giving up than working as part of a three man team. Woman number one does a lot of compromising and settling with what she gets. I don't get the feeling that these are balanced relationships. Many of these poor women are just holding on to a thread and it seems cruel to me that these husbands believe this a satisfactory arrangement for everyone. Reading these discussion boards is depressing me even more. I know he loves me but I am not enough anymore. It takes woman number two to make him feel masculine now. And when he gets tired of that woman, woman number three can't be far behind.
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  #38  
Old 04-07-2010, 04:05 PM
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vandalin vandalin is offline
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I know you are very upset and hutring dagypsy. I am not sure how I would feel if I was in the same situation. But our situation is quite the opposite. I am the one who has the poly tendency, not my husband. He is not interested in a threesome (well maybe if it was 2 gals, but I'm not interested in that) and he doesn't get off being cuckolded. So what does he get out of "letting" me explore this part of me? He hadn't seen me this happy in a long time. Did he accept it right away, hell no. But he was open minded enough to at least look at it and see it through my perspective.

I don't mean to hijack this thread so I will post a reply to your situation on your thread dagypsy.

To the original discussion...Being jealous has basically been bred into us as a species. We are taught that there is never enough to go around and that breeds jealousy. We want what someone else is getting, we don't want them to have it because then we can't have it. In a way, feeling jealous is natural, but it is also combatable.

OP: It sounds like you have figured out the root of your jealousy, time. Time, unfortunately, is one of the few things that is limited. Talk to him about it, not just yourself (or here). Tell him how you feel. Communication really is the key to making this or ANY relationship work.
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  #39  
Old 04-07-2010, 04:08 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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ok I will play devils advocate here. Why not look at the cutesy name as a positive on YOUR behalf. You have been with him longer, developed a relationship and he has opened up becoming more loving and caring.

Partner two comes along, do you want him to revert backwards? Or be the kind caring person your shared relationship made?

Ideally in a relationship people grow and mature...regardless of the other stuff that happened, maybe this is one thing you shouldn't be worried about.

Quote:
It seems to me that in many cases, woman number one settles for what she gets. The man is off being in love and using cutesy names and spending more and more time with number two and meantime, the cherished woman number 1 sits at home, is jealous, fights back tears, and is hurt. This doesn't sound like a lifestyle. It's a man doing what he damned well pleases while trying to justify it to his wife. I just don't get it. I am leaning more toward giving up than working as part of a three man team. Woman number one does a lot of compromising and settling with what she gets. I don't get the feeling that these are balanced relationships. Many of these poor women are just holding on to a thread and it seems cruel to me that these husbands believe this a satisfactory arrangement for everyone. Reading these discussion boards is depressing me even more. I know he loves me but I am not enough anymore. It takes woman number two to make him feel masculine now. And when he gets tired of that woman, woman number three can't be far behind.
Ok I will ignore the initial comments. For some reason they really bug me...I hate generalizing comments.

Onto the last subsection of the paragraph. "I know he loves me but I am not enough anymore"...I assume you write this to mean you don't believe you are fullfilling him. Why can't it be the other way around. In my case, and I explained this to my wife. It has nothing to do with her not fullfilling me, it is me having more to give and no direction to put it. Feeling lost with too much "extra". Heck *HE* may not even know why he is looking for someone else. It took me a few months to figure out what the hell happened.

I didn't get a chance to read the entire thread, just read the last page. Hopefully I didn't get anything out of place with the rest of the story. I will go back and read some more
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  #40  
Old 04-07-2010, 04:37 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Thanks to both of you for sharing, gave me some insight into some of the things my wife went through, and will likely continue going through until everything is resolved. Out story is similar yet different.

you both mentioned chatting. If you are using firefox you can install a plugin called gabbly, point it to this site and it creates a chat room based on this site for you to use (keeping in mind it is not private)

https://addons.mozilla.org/en-US/firefox/addon/2488
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