Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 01-22-2014, 03:09 PM
pulliman pulliman is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Eastern US...
Posts: 182

Hi jeb, hope you're doing okay with all the information coming your way. You'll get strong opinions about the order of events, like when you found out about things, but your first reaction to it all seemed positive, so go with that. Go with what you see in yourself, and use what you hear in forums like this as advice, not strict guidelines...

I find the "unicorn" term less than helpful here, unless you find out that there's some weird expectation that you also be hot for the wife. Now, it could turn out you ARE hot for the wife, and she isn't hot for you, which would suck. It could turn out she's totally into you, and you're not into her. It could turn out that you met the wife and she thought you were cool and safe with her husband, and she otherwise leaves the two of you alone so you can date and have fun. It could turn out that you like her more than him, or that you end up having awesome three person make out sessions, or who knows what else. From what you wrote, there's not enough information to say, and it seems like you're not sure what is "supposed" to happen next. My thought is: whatever feels right to you.

Your response of "apparently??!" seemed to be around the expectation that dating a married guy implied dating his wife, but honestly, that's only going to happen if you want it to happen. You own your choices. You own your emotions. You're no unicorn, which is a mythical beast that can't be found when people go looking for it. You're a person, and you get to decide what you do next. If that means dating him, great. If it means dating her, too, great. Whatever makes you happiest...

If you like the guy, and dating him is fun, let things flow to where they flow. Enjoy the time with him. His wife is amazing and gorgeous - that's great! Enjoy that space with them. Become friends. Romp. Relax. There's a lot to learn about, sure, but you have plenty of time, as long as you take the time you need. Enjoy it. Otherwise, what's the point?
Reply With Quote
Old 01-22-2014, 05:32 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 6,445

Originally Posted by jeb View Post
Ok my name is Jacqueline. I am a 23 year old female. I was raised a catholic, i've always been more spiritual then religious though. Anyway I started talking to a guy one night and needless to say we got along and were compatible, Everything was going great, we met and he seemed chill. We ended up getting intimate and afterwards he told me that he had a wife. He also informed me that she knew about me and wanted to meet. I met her and she was amazing and gorgeous and not at all what i expected. I am open to a poly amorous relationship i just don't exactly know what the next step is. I am just looking for other people to talk to who have been in this lifestyle and could just maybe be here to talk to.

Thank You
Hi, welcome to the board. I don't have much to add to what pulliman said. However, are you even bisexual? Did this guy determine you were before having sex with you, so he was thinking, aha, fuck this chick, get her hot for me and then, see if she'll also be willing to have hot 3some sex with me and my wife?

Sounds like trickery to me.

See, this is why I don't fuck on a first date. I like to carefully screen new potentials. First, determine they are probably not an ax murderer. Then find out, ARE they married? Are they dating others, or do they have a serious gf/bf already? Who do they live with? What is their STD status, when were they last tested, have they had multiple partners since their last test, do they have herpes?

Has this guy told you you've got to agree to have 3way sex or he will dump you? Then they are definitely unicorn hunters, and you should run far far away, fast. Nothing turns me off more than being expected to have sex with someone's partner, just because THEY want 3somes.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62)
Pixie (poly, F, 40) together since 2009
My bf Kahlo (single, poly-friendly, M, 45) since August 2017
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixie's bf for 5 years
Reply With Quote
Old 01-22-2014, 06:04 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,070


I don't take kindly to lies or lies of omission. So I suggest you be on guard against that sort of "less than honest behavior" and tread carefully. At best he is clueless UGH, at worst he is creepy dude UGH. UGH for you either way -- so determine how much (if any!) UGH you want to deal in.

But he did come out and tell me and i think that should show something. maybe?
I am not impressed. To suddenly revert to doing basic truths after lying? Just shoes me you ARE capabale of doing it. You choose to do it when serves your purpose rather than choosing to just be doing it consistently.

Could note it is possible he's still here trying to get cookies he wants from you, and just changing his tactics. When "Bait and switch" isn't seeming to work, now he could be going for "look! You inspire me to truthiness! With you at my side, I can become even better!" to keep charming you along.

Beware flattery when you feel uncertain. If it isn't a joyful yes for you, it is not a joyful yes for YOU. Could call it NO.

To me? You do not seem certain about him, so could just skip him. "Thanks for the sex share, no thanks on the "polyshipping" with you and your wife. Bye!" No UGH for you of any flavor.

People are not "diamonds in the rough" that you have to shape. You could choose to be with already well shaped people of character.

If it pleased you to share sex that time, great. No problem there.

At this time...
  • If his company no longer pleases you because you discover he's Mr Less Than Truthy and you are not up for that? You could dump him.
  • If you want to give him another shot --- and reassess later? That's up to you. ( I would not, but I am not you. "Lying" is one of my dealbeakers.)

Ethical polyshipping with honest people can lead to many rewarding experiences. But "polyshipping" in less than honest encounters with less than honest people in less than ethical ways -- just leads to more shenanigans, IMHO, because it does not begin on strong foundation. Build on shaky ground, expect shake ups. I don't like those, I steer clear.

I am sorry he was less than respectful and honest with you. That is very poor behavior on his part and does not inspire confidence in him being a good polypartner. You deserve much better than that -- and could seek it out! You seem to want to so go for it!

If you want to practice polyshipping, you can do it ethically and from a more informed place on your own without that guy. Could branch out on your own and seek better quality partners to practice polyshipping with.

You could expect to be invited to participate in open models up front and honestly. Figure out what models appeal to you. Do your OWN inviting up front and honest.

So good for you in seeking info! You haven't done anything wrong. Get the info you seek. Maybe these hub pages help -- there are others.



Ultimately you are responsible for YOU. You are responsible for your health and well being. You are responsible for your "willing and able" and the things you choose to participate in or not. You are responsible for choosing the company you keep.

At no time do you have to do things you do NOT want to do, are not willing to do, are not able to do or are uncertain about doing. You can withdraw your willingness to participate any time you want. Anyone telling you otherwise is super FRESH! Kick 'em to the curb and lose their company.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-22-2014 at 06:56 PM.
Reply With Quote
Old 01-22-2014, 06:41 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 14,252

Greetings Jacqueline,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It looks like there are a range of opinions about whether you should bother any further with this guy (and his wife). I can't tell if he's acting out of artifice or lack of experience. In any case you might find it helpful to do searches and tag searches here for the following: unicorn, secondary, hot bi babe, couple privilege. In addition I'd read from the following two links:
After that research, I think you'll be in a better position to decide if and how you want to proceed with this man, and you'll be better equipped as well for future situations that might involve one or more of the above factors.

Technically the situation has all the basic hallmarks of a unicorn situation, but it might be worth studying it further and asking this man and his wife some heavy/pointed questions before making a judgment call about it. Like I said, could just be inexperience on their part.

Good luck and I hope you'll find polyamory a positive, enjoyable experience for you.
Kevin T., "official greeter"


There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
Old 01-22-2014, 07:26 PM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Crazytown USA
Posts: 1,885

I wonder how long you would remain in the picture for them if you said you werent interested in team dating and only wanted to be with the man sexually and romantically. if they are truly unicorn hunters then surely they would present and all or nothing approach. although some couples might be willing to be patient thinking that if the wife is cool new girl might come around?
Reply With Quote
Old 01-22-2014, 08:40 PM
Natja's Avatar
Natja Natja is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 838

Tricksy behaviour, you were told he was married after the fact AND they titled you a Unicorn. Sounds like some clueless couple was tired of waiting and decided to try to find their Unicorn by lying.

I don't date liars. Sack them!
Reply With Quote
Old 01-22-2014, 09:30 PM
pulliman pulliman is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Eastern US...
Posts: 182

Before more jumping to conclusions happens, could we clarify something? I think a bunch of people are reading the statement "apparently I'm a unicorn... he told me" to be that the couple called her a unicorn.

My impression was that the READING she was doing was calling her a unicorn, and what he told her was his marital status. Yes, that happened too late in the game, sure. But it wasn't him calling her a unicorn - that word was her own (and was, notably, confusing).

So, jeb, could you clarify who said what and when? Is this the correct order of events?

1. you met and were intimate
2. he told you he was married
3. you met his wife and thought she was awesome and gorgeous
4. you're confused and start reading things
5. you find out there's this confusing term unicorn
6. you come to this forum asking for advice.

Is this the right order?

I think it's worth hearing your reply before more responses come in assuming that you're being asked to date the couple, not just him. There are just too many assumptions floating through people's feedback until

(I'm not ignoring that he told you his marital status until after you were intimate - his truthiness is a separate ethical issue from the use of the word "unicorn" and could be worked out separately...)
Reply With Quote
Old 01-22-2014, 10:18 PM
Natja's Avatar
Natja Natja is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 838

Originally Posted by pulliman View Post

My impression was that the READING she was doing was calling her a unicorn, and what he told her was his marital status. Yes, that happened too late in the game, sure. But it wasn't him calling her a unicorn - that word was her own (and was, notably, confusing).

Oh I see where I got confused now, still she does seem to indicate that she is apparentlyexpected to be intimate with the wife also. It seriously seems like a bait and switch situation to me.
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 03:37 PM.