Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 01-21-2014, 02:07 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,139

You do not have to share sex with anyone you do not feel like sharing sex with.

She could deal with her disappointment in more appropriate ways than lashing out and you or hinge.

In your case? Seems simplest to just not be around her. Decline invitations to hang out in trio and if asked for a reason -- state her lashing out behavior has made it uncomfortable for you and you would rather just skip it. You are done. You could ask your hinge to not bring his OSO problems to your door -- you are DONE here. If he presses you, you could consider being done with him.

Should you bump into each other on the street, if she does lash out? Speak up.

"No. You may not lash out at me. You may find appropriate ways to handle your disappointment that I will not share sex with you." Then remove yourself from the space she is in.

Play the broken record -- you do not have to be silent.

Since she lashes out at hinge? Hinge himself could evaluate if he wants to keep this relationship or let it go.

You are doing nothing wrong in maintaining your boundaries. Again, you do NOT have to share sex with anyone you do not want to.

Reply With Quote
Old 01-21-2014, 04:05 PM
Tigergirl Tigergirl is offline
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 32

Thanks to all for your feedback. I appreciate it!

@MsChristy: I have politely told her to her face that I'm not interested. She acted like that was how she felt as well...but was apparently lying.

@Dagferi and Inyourendo: once he started seeing it for himself, he has done a good job of at least trying to keep her negative behaviors directed at him instead of me. He also respects my desire to not be around her and knows why.

@london: that's a thought. I've told her, I've told him- but we honestly don't communicate as a group. Mostly when asked to communicate, she lies about her feelings. I've tried to make the group communication thing happen, but every time, she just has a meltdown before we can even get to talking.

@nycindie: I think you hit the nail on the head a bit- I think she DID see herself as his primary initially, although it was always discussed as us being co-primaries. What it has evolved to is my more filling a "girlfriend" role while she has a more intense, more structured D/s relationship with him- she doesn't even refer to him as her boyfriend, and has told me that she is uncomfortable using that term. (There is a power exchange in my relationship with him as well with him as the Dominant partner, but our relationship is more relaxed, playful, and affectionate than theirs is. She denies that she wants that for her own situation, but becomes upset and territorial when she sees us being affectionate.). I do know a major part of her appeal to him is that she is a hardcore masochist. (I'm not at all.) For the BDSM part of their relationship, this works well. I also think that he feels responsible for her, and I do appreciate that he is committed enough in his relationships that he has been trying to give her time to work through this (as long as he is doing his best to protect me and our relationship from her behavior, which he is). I genuinely don't think he realized how unstable she was initially- she is VERY good at her manipulative and passive aggressive behaviors PLUS he tends towards a slight case of White Knight syndrome. I have told him pretty much what you suggested- that he is in charge of handling his own relationships, but that means he can't let her stress our relationship because of her issues. I know she has complained to him about my lack of contact with her, but too bad for her!

@Magdlyn and Scarletzinnia: there is no OPP in place. She identifies as polyamorous and bicurious, but has not chosen to pursue any other potential partners. I do agree that her looking for a female partner for herself might alleviate some of the issue. I identify as mono romantic and poly sexual (and pan sexual)- I learned from past experience that I can only really be in love with one person at a time, although I can have other sexual partners who I love but am not in love with. I told him of this prior to us starting our relationship. He has chosen not to have any other partners currently, as he has more than enough commitments already. We have recently begun talking about co-topping together for BDSM play on a very casual level to see how that goes- we are still in the just talking about it stages to make sure we are completely on the same page. Either my metamour or myself are welcome to date or have other BDSM partners, provided we handle it respectfully and honestly. He does admit he doesn't love the idea of his partners having other partners, particularly male partners, but he also doesn't want to restrict us based on his own insecurities. He prefers being fair about things and dealing with his own feelings as they pop up, should one of his partners choose to date others.
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 07:27 AM.