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  #11  
Old 01-15-2014, 12:19 PM
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phantazmagoria phantazmagoria is offline
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I just feel like I'm never going to be truly okay/chill with it... like I'm just enduring them being together. I question whether I'm poly at all sometimes. On some level, yes, I'm happy they are spending time together, but for the most part, I'm just trying to "survive" it.

That all sounds terrible.
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  #12  
Old 01-15-2014, 07:13 PM
Spock Spock is offline
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Originally Posted by phantazmagoria View Post
I just feel like I'm never going to be truly okay/chill with it... like I'm just enduring them being together. I question whether I'm poly at all sometimes. On some level, yes, I'm happy they are spending time together, but for the most part, I'm just trying to "survive" it.

That all sounds terrible.
Change the context then.

"Like I'm just enduring my SO having friends."

It's something I'm dealing with too, but really it boils down to this:
1) My wife deserves to have friends and other relationships
2) She gets to decide what that means, be it cuddling and hand holding, or whatnot
3) Her love for me is largely independent of her love for other people
4) She is a different person with different needs than me

The rational component of course is different than the emotional component. The emotional component says:
1) I've been training myself to be monogamous now for over 36 years, so it's hard to let go of that
2) I'm selfish and want all of her time to myself
3) I'm greedy and want to do everything with her and not by myself or with others
4) It's unfair how she can find a date anytime she wants and I can't
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  #13  
Old 01-15-2014, 08:33 PM
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I'm curious about coping mechanisms too. Especially when trying to sleep . . . I usually start tossing and turning trying to fall asleep, obsessing about what they're doing in the other room, feeling left out. I would love coping mechanisms for quieting my mind so I can fall asleep.
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Originally Posted by phantazmagoria View Post
I just feel like I'm never going to be truly okay/chill with it . . .for the most part, I'm just trying to "survive" it.
Why do they have to be fucking around in the very next room? Why can't they go to her place or a motel? It seems a bit disrespectful of them to disregard your discomfort and be so "in your face" with what they're doing that they are keeping you up at night. So, one coping mechanism you can use is to say, "go somewhere else!"
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  #14  
Old 01-18-2014, 02:57 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Originally Posted by Tigergirl View Post
...why not ask your partner to come tuck you in and spend a few minutes snuggling as you settle in to sleeping? That might help keep some insecurity at bay.
I'm a huge fan of this...other partners or no (MrS and I were doing this before Dude was living with us). I ask for a "snuggle-tucking" then 15 minutes of house "quiet time" when I go to bed - I'm the one that has to get up in the morning for work. (I'm also a fan of masturbating myself to sleep if the boys are otherwise occupied )
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  #15  
Old 01-18-2014, 03:48 AM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
I'm a huge fan of this...other partners or no (MrS and ft. I were do i lol bng this before Dude was living with us). I ask for a "snuggle-tucking" then 15 minutes of house "quiet time" when I go to bed - I'm the one that has to get up in the morning for work. (I'm also a fan of masturbating myself to sleep if the boys are otherwise occupied )
Yep, I have n tuck mw in if he stays up later than me. And I usually masturbate at night as well, betterrthan a sleeping pill :P
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  #16  
Old 01-19-2014, 03:29 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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[QUOTE = phantazmagoria]I just feel like I'm never going to be truly okay/chill with it... like I'm just enduring them being together. I question whether I'm poly at all sometimes. On some level, yes, I'm happy they are spending time together, but for the most part, I'm just trying to "survive" it.[/QUOTE]

Ok with what part? Being in a polyship? Or having to listen to other people have sex in the room next door waking you up? Or both?

SHORT TERM

If you want to not be woken up/bothered in your sleep in your home -- could they go to her place?

If you are feeling left out and need to be included - could ask for tucking in / quiet connection time before parting ways to separate rooms for the night. And/or reconnection the next day.

If you are making yourself upset thinking things that put you as "less than" -- could learn to stop doing that thinking behavior.

LONG TERM

Whether or not you want to continue to participate in polyship -- that is something only you can determine. Your willingness to participate and ability to participate is your call.

But if you are merely "surviving" rather than "thriving" -- you could think on it and weigh out the pros and cons for yourself.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-19-2014 at 03:32 AM.
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  #17  
Old 01-19-2014, 03:45 PM
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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post

If you are making yourself upset thinking things that put you as "less than" -- could learn to stop doing that thinking behavior.
how

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if you are merely "surviving" rather than "thriving" -- you could think on it and weigh out the pros and cons for yourself.
what are they?

right now, all I can think of is, I am poly, I want the option to date as many people as I like, and since my bf is also poly, goose/gander.

But yet, my emotions are rebelling so freaking much. I feel hypocritical and childish and that makes me even more down on myself.
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  #18  
Old 01-20-2014, 04:44 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn
But yet, my emotions are rebelling so freaking much. I feel hypocritical and childish and that makes me even more down on myself.
Could start there. Because merely feeling whatever is not causing you to be down on you. You thinking you stink because you feel x is causing you to feel down about you. Then instead of single load of UGH from the situation you get a another load of UGH -- the second one self-serve.

Having feelings? To me that's just another sense. Like my sense of sight, my sense of hearing, my sense of taste. There's my emotional sense and it serves to clue me in on whether or not my behavior is serving me well.

I don't sit around thinking "I stink because I can see roses with my sense of sight. I stink because I can hear dogs bark with my sense of hearing." Why would I go "I stink because feel upset with my sense of emotion?"

I don't always LOVE experiencing the feelings that I feel -- some are fun to feel and some are less fun. But I don't think I'm "less adult" or "childish" merely because I have them and I have a fully operational sense of emotion.

I am not my thoughts or my feelings. I am the person doing the thinking or experiencing the feeling. How I choose to behave in response to my senses giving me feedback is up to me.

I rather take the one dose of UGH than pile on extra UGH with my thinking behavior.

Rather than feel UGH from the situation and then pile on thoughts of "I stink because I feel ____" as extra UGH layer on top?

I go with "Man, I feel UGH. This situation stinks. How do I get me out of this situation so I can stop feeling UGH? Am I thinking crap? Am I doing crap? Is someone else making crap for me?"

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn
I want the option to date as many people as I like, and since my bf is also poly, goose/gander.
Well... on the surface that sounds fine. You date. He dates.

WHAT about it or HOW you each are doing it -- is bothering you? Or is is WHO he dates that bothers you?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-20-2014 at 04:56 AM.
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  #19  
Old 01-20-2014, 06:20 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Things I do:

First, I accept my feelings and we do talk about them-but NOT before, during or immediately after the date. We have a pre-set time for talking about stuff.

I write. In a diary, on my blog here, on my personal blog, sometimes an email to him. However much it takes to really get to the bottom of what I am thinking/feeling etc.

I work out (in the moment). We have a treadmill and a full weight bench/set. I do a heavy workout with loud music blaring.

*I avoid playing lovey dovey or mopey music. I play loud, boisterous, fun-loving music.*

I clean our room. Make the bed, sweep the floors, dust the shelves, make sure all of the laundry is washed, dried and put away.
I often do the same with the bathroom-just scrub it ridiculously clean.
Then it's my turn. I pamper myself. Shave with coconut oil (irritates everyone else cause the shower gets slippery), wash and condition my hair, then lotion, perfume, the works.

Then I write sexy stories for him and leave them on his bedside table. (because he likes that).

I read. I ALWAYS have good books waiting for my attention. One on my bedside table and a stack by the dresser.

Depending on time of day I may do homework (cause God knows that never gets "finished").

Finally; I try to make special plans with the kids and/or grandkids if it's day time. Movies or the park or sledding. Something fun and busy and together.
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  #20  
Old 01-21-2014, 03:13 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post

Well... on the surface that sounds fine. You date. He dates.

WHAT about it or HOW you each are doing it -- is bothering you? Or is is WHO he dates that bothers you?

Galagirl
Yeah, I feel like I've got a lot of hard stuff on my plate now, other things, not poly things. So, it would be SO nice, for me, if Ginger would devote more time and effort to supporting me and miss p while we deal with all of it. But, he won't. He made that clear. This is his way, take it or leave it.

I am not thrilled with the woman he is currently dating, Buddhist. She is power dating after a long marriage and she was ready to fuck Ginger on their 2nd date without having the safer sex talk. Ginger had to put on the brakes. If she was willing to go there with him, no doubt she will with others... Although she's been tested and is clean, except... herpes.

Even if I can dissect why I feel so "ugh," I don't have a good handle on how to move forward. I try talking to him, he just gets defensive. My only plan is to get comfort from the way he can provide it, acts of service, and touching, sex, cuddles. I asked for more service yesterday, and got it. I also have made sure our sex life stays interesting and creative, and since he wont sleep over anymore, I told him we had to at least nap together yesterday after sex, and we did, and it was comforting.

I mean, we do talk a lot, in person and online, about our daily lives and stuff. It's just when the topic moves to my feelings around him dating, it gets kinda ugly.
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