Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #441  
Old 01-13-2014, 04:53 PM
Mya's Avatar
Mya Mya is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 341
Default

I've had a lot of conversations recently with both rory and Hank about rory moving in with us. I'm generally really excited about it, but we do want to talk about possible pitfalls beforehand and I think there are a few things I/we need to work on. Most of them so far have nothing to do with how rory and Hank will relate to each other, but more with me relating to both of them individually.

One issue that I have with both of them is that I want a lot of company and rory and Hank need alone time. It's not just concrete time management, it's also my attitude towards time. I realise I have a problem when it comes to feeling entitled to their time. Like they would have to be there for me whenever I need them. Unfortunately that's not how it works. If I'm alone, I can deal with whatever I need to deal with because there's no choice. But if there is a person I love in the next room, alone, and I can't talk to them when I need to, it feels different. I feel more lonely when I know I could in theory have company but I don't because that person doesn't want to be with me at that moment. If they can't, if they're not home, it's easier to accept. As an extrovert living with an introvert and soon with two introverts, it's about time I learn this. They need their alone time, but not just that. Hank and rory both have expressed that they need to feel free to spend time alone, free of guilt. That it should be okay to say 'no' to me when I ask them to spend time with me. And of course it is okay to say that, but Hank especially starts feeling guilty about his alone time if he sees that I'm upset about him not wanting to hang out with me. I can understand that. But we're in a bit of a standstill with it. In order for that feeling chain reaction to not occur I would have to not be upset when my loved ones don't want to hang out with me - or just not ask them to do that at all. Let them come to me when they want to. Not express my feelings of wanting to spend time together, they already know that in general that would be my preference most of the time. So this is what I am going to try to do with Hank. If I learn this now, everything will be applicable to rory as well when they move in. I will try to give Hank more space and let him come to me more. I will try to be less needy. Meaning I will try to deal with my stuff more by myself or by writing instead of needing other people to do it with. Or at least try to talk to my friends more, so that my partners don't have to be burdened by everything I'm thinking. It's awesome if they are there for me but I can't expect that. Their time and attention is a gift they give to me, not something I can just take whenever I want.

It is a journey. I will try my best. We'll see how it goes.
__________________
Living with Hank (partner) and rory (ex-partner/friend), also dating Ray
Reply With Quote
  #442  
Old 01-16-2014, 01:30 PM
rory's Avatar
rory rory is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 497
Default

fuchka, thank you! What you write about Alec is true. I am proud of us both how far we've come with communication, both individually and together. It's even more now that we're breaking up: for a long time we've both avoided focusing on our incompatibilities, and now they're all surfacing a lot more. We've of course had to manage them as relationship issues before, but now that we've accepted the fact that we just won't work as partners, we're both expressing the things that bother us more honestly. The negotiation around his gender-related jealousy is something we've had to do, and we've managed so far... But also it hasn't been a concrete issue all that many times. But, just yesterday we had a talk around it which made me kind of glad that we're breaking up. There's the fundamental difference between how we approach jealousy. He is willing to work on his feelings to some extent, and he's had to do it with poly. But when he feels bad enough, he feels it's something I should care about and change my behaviour based on that. I can understand that, and I have also conceded to that in some specific instances and will continue for a little while to do so. But I also resent it. It makes me angry, I feel restricted and unfree and that's just not what I want.

I think for me, regarding whom I feel comfortable having sex with, there are aspects which have to do with their gender and orientation (and mine respectively - how well we fit together) and then there's stuff that isn't covered by it. I think it works best when our genders and orientations match reasonably well (some common ground) and when their mindset about these things and sex in general is quite queer. I guess, the more queer the other person, the more leeway there is in the other aspect. I think there are a lot more not-men than men in the pool of comfortable sexual partners, but I'm sure there are situations and people where I could find men as well.

I think about this quite a bit, since now that the break-up is coming up, I will no longer have a male sexual partner, and I would rather like to. Not super-high on my priority list, and there are complications with it, but I'd like to. I'm also processing the fact that I should make stronger personal boundaries with it - not really against other people, but with myself. That is, I do sometimes have sex even without feeling very comfortable with it, because I'm trans and feel body discomfort but I bloody well want to have a sex life regardless. But I'm not sure it's all that good for me to compromise it to the extent I'm used to doing so. Thanks for writing your comments and how you feel as well! I enjoyed reading it.

Last edited by rory; 01-16-2014 at 02:41 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #443  
Old 01-16-2014, 02:01 PM
rory's Avatar
rory rory is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 497
Default

I want to write about living together, too! I and Mya and Hank living together, that is.

At first we were thinking that I'll stay at their place for a few months and then I'll move out, but the more all of us think about it and talk about it, it seems more and more likely that it'll be a more long-term arrangement. There are just so many things which could work really well. In terms of decisions, we'll of course have a good opportunity to see how it works, because I'll be staying for a while in any case. But yeah, I'm pretty excited regardless. And yeah, I want to feel excited without adding the disclaimers that it may not work out. That kind of thing is just to avoid disappointment, and it's pretty useless in the end.

When it comes to partnerships, where there's a deep level of involvement (time, energy, life sharing), I feel that being a leg of V, rather than a hinge, is more suited to my personality. I am able to be a hinge, and it's worked fine with Alec and Mya, for the past years. But it requires a lot more time and energy management from me, and it requires expectations-management from my partners. Whereas being a leg of a V... Yeah, as long as I feel secure in the relationship and confident that I'm loved and appreciated by my partner (as I do with Mya), I'm happy as a clam and never have any difficulties with sharing. Helps also when I have an awesome metamour, and there's mutual caring and compersion all that fluff going on.

Between us three, Mya is maybe more naturally suited to being a hinge, and I and Hank are both more naturally suited to being legs. (The terminology is so weird but hell, got to express it in some way.)

With this combination, there are a lot of potential poly issues which just are unlikely to come up (at least more than occasionally). It's to do with personalities (inclinations) but also to how people approach their own and other people's feelings.

I'm not worried about jealousy. It's not likely that there would be very much to start with, but also I have trust and confidence in all involved that it'll be dealt with. Same goes for any emotional work related to sharing a partner - feeling like a third wheel; feeling like getting less consideration/time/etc. from the shared partner; anything like that. There's a lot that could intensify in a co-habitation situation, but I don't anticipate much of that at all with who we are.

Rather, it's likely that this could actually enhance things for all of us: both in getting our needs met and in getting what we want. I'm going to continue this to another post.
Reply With Quote
  #444  
Old 01-16-2014, 02:32 PM
rory's Avatar
rory rory is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 497
Default

Living together with Mya has been, for such a long time, something that could happen at some point, but because it hasn't been a real possibility, I've focused on all the great aspects of our relationship as it is. We do get our relationship needs met, and there's so much that she brings into my life with her presence even when we don't live together.

However, I'm now allowing myself to think beyond that. And there's just so much potential! It makes me excited.

Right now we talk. A lot. That's the preference, for both of us. We need each other and want each other for talking. For sharing things that are going on in our lives, for getting and giving support, for processing and analysing things. As long as we get to talk, our relationship is doing great, that's why it worked really well even in long-distance.

But yeah, if we had more time, we could do other stuff, too! Sure, we do sometimes go to places and events and have sex and experience things together and watch movies and all that stuff that goes into a relationship. It's just, meeting twice a week, 70% of awake-time spent together is needed for talking, and another 20% may not be needed but we want to talk, anyway, rather than do something else.

So, now I'm thinking that, actually, I'd really like it if I'd have her in a bigger part of my everyday life. I'd love to talk to her about stuff that's going on with me as it's happening, rather than catching up when we meet (don't get me wrong - I like catching up! But it might be even better, etc.). I'd love to be there for her for support etc., a lot more of the time, and same goes the other way around. We could spread out the analysis/emotional support: right now it can sometimes be rather emotionally intense when we do see each other, particularly if both of us have difficult stuff to deal with. If more time, could balance that out with relaxing together and doing stuff and building things between us, in other aspects of our relationship. I suppose Mya and I have the communication covered, just, could do something else too.

Plus, besides the stuff that we already do but could do more often, there's also stuff that we could do together which just hasn't been a realistic option. We have our own, separate projects/hobbies in life, own creative/artistic interests. So far we've shared some aspects (e.g. she reads my stories), but we haven't had an opportunity to create something together. The separate things are needed, but with more time, more opportunity - who knows what we could come up with together, too?
Reply With Quote
  #445  
Old 01-16-2014, 03:17 PM
rory's Avatar
rory rory is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 497
Default

So, that's something cool about the possibility of living together: living with Mya, and all that brings for us and our relationship. That's definitely something I'm looking forward to.

I'd also quite like to get to know Hank more, and living together would present opportunities for that.

I feel quite self-conscious when writing about the things I'm excited about relating to the upcoming change, particularly having to do with relationship things. I feel like I should make a note that just because I'm currently breaking up with Alec and we're starting separate lives doesn't mean that I haven't been happy and satisfied living with him. In many ways I have been. Just, less so, now. But yeah, he's excited about his future alone, so why shouldn't I be? It just feels different when I am talking about the things that I've shared with him and soon will share with other people, whereas he's planning to live alone, at least for some time into the future.

So, anyway.

I'm kind of excited about the everyday life aspects of living with Mya and Hank; relating to the people but also to the space and the fact that we'd have a three-adult household.

Like, boardgames and people to play them with! And other games, too, which can be shared. And whatever comes with combining resources: our household will have more of the fun things (like games) and also more of the practical things (I'll get to use the electric laundry dryer and dishwasher and I'm contributing towels and kitchenware).

And then there's the whole three people contributing to shared living costs and chores and all that. Which, I suppose, could be a potential risk - these are the things co-habiting people most often fight about - but with the people involved, I think it much more likely that it'll be mostly beneficial to everybody.

To be frank, we already have a bit of experience with some aspects of living together. With other aspects, not so much, but based on what I've seen so far... Yeah, excited about the possibility.
Reply With Quote
  #446  
Old 01-20-2014, 11:41 AM
Mya's Avatar
Mya Mya is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 341
Default

I need to write about something that I feel really bad about writing. But I need to work through this. Recently rory said to me (this is told with rory's permission) that she has a crush on Hank. First I thought it was just cute, rory was blushing and giggling around him. But later I started to think about what it would mean if Hank returns those feelings and they actually want to start a relationship. I freaked out. Those of you who have followed this blog for a longer time might remember me saying that I wouldn't want my partner to date one of my closest friends. Well this is kinda like that except a hundred times worse.

I've been talking about this with rory and she knows how I feel. It's just so damn irrational. Yesterday I talked about it with Hank as well and even though at the moment he is not returning those feelings, he wanted to know why it would be such a hard thing for me. I started thinking about it again and almost had a panic attack and I said I don't think I can talk about it now. He said I looked really shocked. I can't even explain it, it's such an overreaction. But I think I need a place to work through those feelings without actually talking about it directly to rory and Hank because they're the ones that are involved in it.

- I'm already the one wanting company more than them. If they started dating, I'd be left alone more than I do now. Now if they're seeing someone else outside the three of us, most of the time I can still hang out with the other one.
- I'd have to witness both of them being in NRE with each other but not with me.
- I'm already sometimes struggling with some things with Hank, like time. If he would not give more time to me, but instead was giving it to rory, I fear I'd start resenting both of them for it.
- I value one-on-one time, I don't want us to hang out as a group all the time. I mean I enjoy that as well, but one-on-one is more important. I fear that if they were also in a relationship with each other, they would want to be together all three of us when they used to spend time with just me.
- I fear in general that I'd be left out and they'd pay less attention to me, especially with NRE glasses on.
- If there are three relationships, the chances of one of them breaking up are bigger. Especially now that we're planning on living together, that would just make things more complicated.
- I really really don't want a triad. I know it's a dream for many people but I've never wanted it. Never. And I still don't. Do I have to be a part of a triad if I don't want to? If my two partners decide it for me? Well I guess I'll always have the choice to leave if it feels too bad. But it just feels weird to me that they could make a decision to start a relationship that would influence me a lot more than any other relationship they would start outside this group, and they could just do that without asking me if I want to be a part of this arrangement. Things don't exist in a vacuum. I fear I would resent them both for dragging me into a triad I never wanted.
- Most important of all: I fear I would resent the whole situation so much that I ended up leaving it, and as a result would lose the two people that are the most precious to me, the people I love and want to share my life with. I'm crying as I'm typing right now. That's it, that's the ultimate fear.

Man, that's a lot of work.
__________________
Living with Hank (partner) and rory (ex-partner/friend), also dating Ray
Reply With Quote
  #447  
Old 01-20-2014, 01:56 PM
Mya's Avatar
Mya Mya is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 341
Default

I'm really trying to get to a peaceful place where I don't care what happens. Take everything as it comes. Trust that everything will turn out like it should in the end. Where it's not the end of the world if things change. Where I will adapt to all new situations. Where feelings are just weather that will pass.

It's fucking hard, you guys. I feel like my head is trying to convince my heart and my heart is just yelling "NO!". I don't want to be this person. I loathe myself right now for having these strong feelings that I can't seem to change, at least quickly enough. Who do I think I am thinking I could tell other people what to do with their love lives? I have no right, and I'm not going to.

I am having trouble breathing calmly right now.
__________________
Living with Hank (partner) and rory (ex-partner/friend), also dating Ray
Reply With Quote
  #448  
Old 01-20-2014, 04:35 PM
BrigidsDaughter's Avatar
BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 822
Default

If you have talked to Hank and he isn't interested in Rory like that, why do you feel pressured to change your mind?
Reply With Quote
  #449  
Old 01-20-2014, 04:52 PM
rory's Avatar
rory rory is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 497
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mya View Post
I'm really trying to get to a peaceful place where I don't care what happens. Take everything as it comes. Trust that everything will turn out like it should in the end. Where it's not the end of the world if things change. Where I will adapt to all new situations. Where feelings are just weather that will pass.
This is a good goal, whenever dealing with difficult emotions. However, I think it won't happen at once. These kind of intermediary steps are probably vital, where you let yourself feel the ugly without beating yourself up about it.

I think it's definitely good that you're processing these emotions even though nothing is happening between me and Hank. I really admire and value your determination to face it and grow, that is awesome about you.

And sure, there's also the selfish reasons why it's good, in case this kind of situation does some day actually come up concretely. However, I think there might be benefits to the fact that since nothing's going on now (either between Hank and I or between any other people this would be applicable to), you have the space to think about this without any additional pressure/complications that might be there otherwise, where you might feel like you need to get over it really quickly and panic and all that, which might not actually be very helpful for processing it all. And also, it's probably easier for your partners to support you with this, too, when it's not relating to an actual situation. At least I know it is for me, since I'm not fighting my own triggers (relating to feeling like I have to defend my personal freedom/autonomy). So, I'll try to be there for you better, too, now that I'm getting the picture of how difficult this is for you (not that I haven't believed you before, but it helps for me to understand to read such honest, uncensored text about your feelings).

*hugs*
Reply With Quote
  #450  
Old 01-20-2014, 05:01 PM
Mya's Avatar
Mya Mya is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 341
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by BrigidsDaughter View Post
If you have talked to Hank and he isn't interested in Rory like that, why do you feel pressured to change your mind?
Because that can change. Because I want to grow and be the best person I can be. Because I don't want to have these hang-ups. Because I don't want to stand in the way of my loved ones in case they do want something in the future.
__________________
Living with Hank (partner) and rory (ex-partner/friend), also dating Ray
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
bisexual, boundaries, communication, foundations, ldr, long distance, nre

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:15 AM.