A simple question...Or is it?

[ourquad]

Our quad has been together a little over three years now.

We make it day by day I guess. Like most relationships of any kind.

I can be the glue at times in suppose...simply because I insist in more communication that a couple of them like and are used to. Well, that would be Tech and Kitten. Gator is long used to having to talk with me about things. I don't like leaving things unresolved and swept under a rug.

[saudade]

My longest poly relationship was a two-year-old vee. My current primary vee has been going on just over a year... and I've been with my secondary girlfriend off and on for three years.

@Ruby, wow! That's so beautiful...

[redpepper]

wow, what a great question!

Nerdist and I met as a result of my girlfriend and I becoming non-monogamous 12 years ago. We thought we would find another girlfriend, but I found a man and she had a hard time with being poly... strangely enough not that he is a man. Even though we were die hard lesbians at the time.

We have been married for about 10 years and have always been polyamorous. Mono has been the longest at 16 months though. Others have come and gone. I see them as a means to be ready for Mono... we were so ready for someone who wanted to commit to us for the long haul. Even though he is my lover, it has really worked better that he has become part of our family and not just a lover of mine. I think that should sustain us longer than any other lovers that have come and gone. We shall see

[geminigirl]

My husband and I were monogamous for 15 years before deciding to actively live as poly. We are now separated, but we were poly together for three years (and are still friends). I was with one partner for just over three years, and my four current relationships range from 14 months to 2 months.

That said, I wonder if time is always the best indicator of a successful relationship? Isn't success also measured by how you feel about, relate to, and communicate with someone, regardless of how long you spend as their partner?

[redpepper]

I would agree geminigirl. I think that there are many indications of a good relationship and length of time isn't necessarily one of them, there is also how much time one has spent with a person too, just as much as quality of time. If someone has a long distant relationship with someone does it qualify that that relationship is some how more successful because it has been several years as opposed to a relationship where the people live together? Even that is hard to measure, because some people who live together don't spend as much time together as others do...

[Lemondrop]

I asked this question in a different way once...the consensus seemed to be that "successful" does not necessarily equate with "long-lived".

My primary and I have been married 20 years this summer. (...wow...) We were monogamous, I never wanted to be anything else. Had poly friends who gave me a very bad impression of poly.

My secondaries have been friends for years. Three years? Four? They gradually became closer and closer. A couple of years ago we started hanging out together as a family every weekend. About a year ago we made the decision the be a quad. I think that means we've been romantically involved for a year, but there was a lot of lead-up before we committed. (For example, just how romantically involved is strip poker? Does it count if Sunday groped me when he was drunk? Does it count if Sunday and I were "married" on weekends when Asha and Easy were working, and proudly showed off our combined brood of children? Does it count if I'm absolutely certain that Asha and Easy were romantically but not sexually involved with each other before we decided to become a quad? Hmmm...and I specifically remember proposing marriage to Asha two years ago...)

I know what you're asking, and I don't think there's any easy answer to it. (I wish there were.) Poly relationships break up, just like mono relationships do, and there's no way to know if you're going to work in either format. All you can do is give the relationship your best effort and hope.

Are we successful? I don't know. We're always working on some kind of issue.

[idealist]

Great question and good responses !!

I don't have a "primary lover" since I am a single female and I live alone, but I have 4 male lovers.

I had monogamous relationships with 3 of them that lasted 4 years, 3 years and 1 year.

I consider these three to be "long term" relationships since I have known them 10 years, 8 years, and 6 years.

I consider myself to be living a successful poly lifestyle because my lifestyle is a manifestation of my philosophy about relationships which has nothing to do with the "length" of a certain connection or configuration- in fact it's just the opposite!!

[korindino]

Sadly, never had a poly relationship last much more than 6 months in the past. I'm hoping to break that record now.

[TL4everu2]

VERY interesting responses thus far guys and girls. I love it. This is all so awesome.

What I have found is that there is no "hard" deffinition of "poly". So when one asks a question like this, it is hard to be inclusive of all involved. LOL But I think we are hitting it right on now.

See, the reasoning behind me asking is this; I don't know that a "poly" relationship between more than two people can last the test of time. I mean, to me, a "successful relationship", is gauged by time and happiness. You need both to be successful. One without the other is not a successful relationship IMO. My wife and I have been married to eachother for over half our lives now. We have had ups, and downs. However, when we involve others in our relationship, we are way happier with eachother. Unfortunatly, we can't seem to make our secondary relationships last longer than 2 years. This saddens us greatly, and we are beginning to think it is us...and not the others.

[CielDuMatin]

Originally Posted by TL4everu2

See, the reasoning behind me asking is this; I don't know that a "poly" relationship between more than two people can last the test of time.

And how long should it go before it has reached that critical point, in your opinion?

I, too, like things to last - I enjoy being with people I love and having them as a part of my life. I am not an NRE junkie at all, in fact I don't really enjoy it much. I enjoy things after the NRE has quietened down.

I know poly configurations that have stayed together for years quite happily, and have lasted longer than most monogamous marriages.