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  #1871  
Old 01-12-2014, 11:30 PM
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I just had a fantastic lunch with Ken. Remember him? He pointed out it's been almost two years since he and I spent time alone together. Back then it was because he began dating my monogamous co-worker who I thought would struggle with our connection. Now it's because he started dating someone else monogamous and wasn't sure she'd have the same response.

Two years and we just had lunch together. Wow. What a journey it's been and yet we are still friends and still able to talk each others ear off about many things. I let go of my fear of showing love and affection and told him I was really glad we could spend some time together. I thanked him for his confidence in me and my decision to stay with Mono and work on our relationship. It means a lot to me that people don't judge my choices but let me be and simply listen, challenge me with questions but in the end just witness what I struggle with. To me this is a sign of good friendship.

Now I have my dear friend and a new friend in his girlfriend. I've been working hard to let her know I am no threat and that I want their relationship to work out. I am giving to him what he gave to me. He was confident and respectful of my journey and choices and I am with his. I listen to his challenges and help sort out his feelings and in the end have no judgement or attachment to the outcome. Feels good. I'm glad to be there for him and am so glad to be given chances to give to people who gave so much to me.

(Waves to LR. Thanks for your message )
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Last edited by redpepper; 01-12-2014 at 11:34 PM.
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  #1872  
Old 01-13-2014, 12:22 AM
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Hey RP, you sound like you're doing pretty well. Just wondering - how is Polynerdist doing?
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  #1873  
Old 01-14-2014, 08:10 PM
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Hey RP, you sound like you're doing pretty well. Just wondering - how is Polynerdist doing?
hi! Great to hear from you. Hope you are well?

PN is well enough. It's been interest in that sex and intimacy has been off the table but life went on similarly. Sometimes he and I struggle with moving on as my stuff is in his room and we share everything still. It will be awhile until we can "separate." He has his life and I have mine. We talk often. Fight just as much. He and I get resentful that we are not together yet still have the same issues with each other. It is what it is and we both do our best to let go of stuff. We also continue to work on doing things together as a family; everything from eating dinner together every night to planning next summers camping trips. We are becoming more and more interested in different things but we support each other with what we want to accomplish and work around our responsibilities to our child, joint finances and extended family obligations. Neither of our families know we are together as we used to be.

I am finding it works better to just not talk about labels actually. With any of my relationships. They just are what they are and it's between me and the other person. As soon as I call it something people come up with long lists of assumptions that mostly don't fit. I have opted to silence at this point about PN. I don't know what he says about us. No one has asked and only one of his friends has approached me and expressed any feelings about our not being together. Mostly that they were surprised and hoped I was okay after the year I just had. It was kind and caring and I appreciated it.
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  #1874  
Old 01-18-2014, 12:36 AM
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I'm deriving much comfort from this blog again. I attempted to save it all on my computer as I was going to delete it. Then I had a crisis about it disappearing and now I think I'm at a place where I don't care. I just keep thinking of stuff to write and stuff to let go by doing so.

I miss Brad. He's gone on holiday. Its made me realize how much he is part of my life. Brad has always meant a lot to me from day one. Now more than ever since our break up. Our relationship is more dedicated and solid than it ever was before when our relationship was complicated with terms like boyfriend/girlfriend. We know we will be close for a long time and that is all that matters to either of us.

How did we get there? A lot of fighting it out. At first we were silently awkward with each other and then, over time and his persistence, he became my number one support with my Mono struggles. Every moment I cried, ranted, broke down, pulled my hair out, he was there loving me and holding me up. There was more than one time he carried me through by standing by in calm, unjudgemental yet honest patience. He has seen me at my very worst and is still around.

We fought out our new relationship dynamic and came to new agreements of boundaries and discussed at length our values and ultimate goals in life and poly. Over the summer we decided that no one would come between what we have regardless of their description or what happens in our lives. I intend to hold that agreement. I think he does too.

Over the space of the last 8 months it became obvious that it was his turn to need support.

Our huge similarities in our emotional selves made it easy to relate to each other when we talked. My experience over the last six years or so helped I think. His take on my experience was just as helpful to me as we compared our lives and situations. Agreeing to disagree and bonding over agreeing at the same time has made him become a close relationship.

The time between summer and winter has been my time to give back. It continues to be. I have found that its my time to hold him up sometimes. To be the quiet, unjudgemental, solid rock he needs.

I miss him. I realize how I have neglected other relationships because of his constant existence in my life and value this time to do my own thing.... find my friends. Find others who I have common understanding with. He said once that I am complex but not complicated. He has taken the time to unravel who I am and I am forever bound to him for that. So rare in my life. I am grateful and blessed.

Poly to me seems fraught with over layering of glee and then despair. In my experience it tore me apart as a person and partner who is willing to create depth and closeness with anyone as a result. The complication is absolutely not for someone who has deep emotions such as myself in my opinion. Its allure is tempting because it offers extreme heights of positive emotion... at first. After a time I have noticed with myself and others that a "little devil" comes out from somewhere and systematically breaks down everything that has been built up. The choices seem to be to let that happen or to continue on half in and half out of all relationships. Including the self.

For whatever reason I had no choice, in my mind, than to let the "little devil" create the biggest change in my life... Half relationships were not an option.

I am not everyone and I know people do what they are going to do so I'm not attempting to preach, but if I were to do it all again I would not be so cocky, arrogant and smug to think that having a bunch of partners is the most love I could ever have. It isn't. THE MOST LOVE IS SELF LOVE and I found that reflected in the eyes of someone willing to take my pain, fear and extensive misplaced love and mirrors it back to me by being real, honest to the point of bluntness and still risking my walking out on him. Brad did this for me. He did it for him. We are forever changed.
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  #1875  
Old 01-18-2014, 09:01 PM
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I just popped in to post about a great movie that Mike saw last night and saw that you're back. Yay!!! I find this the best thread on the whole site and so appreciate your honesty and willingness to be so open with your journey. Thankyou

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  #1876  
Old 01-18-2014, 09:37 PM
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I just popped in to post about a great movie that Mike saw last night and saw that you're back. Yay!!! I find this the best thread on the whole site and so appreciate your honesty and willingness to be so open with your journey. Thankyou

Sage
hi sage *hugs to you and yours.
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  #1877  
Old 01-18-2014, 10:41 PM
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I think I'm on in a similar place to you except that I'm still very much in my nesting relationship with Mike. I explored poly for myself but it didn't feel good for me.
I have retained one male friend however and it's a very interesting and challenging experience. We have been intimate and we do have romantic feelings for each other but we are trying to retain an equilibrium of relatedness
By focusing on our very special friendship. It's a level of friendship I've never experienced before other than inside a primary relationship. It's challenging at times but I think it's a very expanding relationship.
Hope that makes sense.
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  #1878  
Old 01-19-2014, 12:26 AM
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Originally Posted by sage View Post
I think I'm on in a similar place to you except that I'm still very much in my nesting relationship with Mike. I explored poly for myself but it didn't feel good for me.
I have retained one male friend however and it's a very interesting and challenging experience. We have been intimate and we do have romantic feelings for each other but we are trying to retain an equilibrium of relatedness
By focusing on our very special friendship. It's a level of friendship I've never experienced before other than inside a primary relationship. It's challenging at times but I think it's a very expanding relationship.
Hope that makes sense.
Sage
yes it does sage.
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  #1879  
Old 02-03-2014, 05:47 AM
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Over the holiday season LB and PN had an accident in the family car. It was tototalled. They were okay but the car was a write off. We got some insurance money for it and spent the holidays looking for a car. Mono and I were home with LB most of the season as PN didn't get time off work so we were the ones who did all the car hunting and buying.

The experience was bonding for Mono and I as we have never made decisions like that before. PN had a hard time letting go and trusting our judgement so we had to go with an option that I was not entirely satisfied with but was the closest I could get to being satisfied.

It turned out that the car we bought was on it's last legs and over the course of a month the transmission and other things went so the car had to go. PN and I took time off work to buy a new car and also bonded over the experience. A part from getting a car I wanted all along I also had a chance to bond with the two men I call home. We all bonded. Even LB.

In the face of adversity our family connected in ways we hadn't before and are a stronger unit than ever as a result. Our family is stronger for it. My marriage and my partnership with my boyfriend are strong. My marriage has become a marriage of two of us putting our heads together as a team to include everyone we want to include.

This week my ex wife moved back to my city. We've spent a good deal of time together doing every day stuff and family stuff. From sitting falling asleep in front of the tv to attending LB's piano recital we have worked her into our everyday life. It's early days yet but we have plans to spend more time together and I foresee much reconnecting as a result. I'm so pleased. LB gets his auntie J around! It's fulfilled as wish of mine that has been in my head for years.

I have decided to put effort into relationships that I believe will last. My brother, my parents, my in-laws are all part of that plan. Historically, during my years of having four partners, I have not concentrated on these relationships believing them to just be there without effort. Four partners made it impossible to find the time. I know I was missed by many people now. I intend to make up for lost time. As my parents and in-laws get older I can see that it's important to establish a more solid foundation so I know them better and they know me better. Family is everything and I have not believed this so much until this time in my life.

I started looking for a middle school (junior high) for LB. How strange is that?! I think when I started writing on this site he was just starting school! How time flies. He has successfully been raised in a three parents family for many years now and is doing as well as I could possibly hope. He's stable, happy, has a good balance of adult characters to identify with in order to figure out who he is, is respected and educated in many areas of life that he wouldn't be if he were not close to his parents and four grand parents.

What worries me now is a new school. There is a chance that he faces new challenges in the form of acceptance by others. I think my fear is bigger than the threat however and I have kept perspective so far.

I haven't been doing any burlesque for nine monthes now. I didn't think I was missed so I haven't even bothered going to events. This week Mono had a computer client that knew me from the burlesque world. I didn't know her but she knew me enough to notice I hadn't been around. Burlesque has come up several times in the last month and I think about it often.

I don't know where to go with my burlesque thoughts. I have been trying to think of reasons to go back and reasons not to. The whole of it is based on fear for me now and I am hoping to use my skills of removing fear from my life to gain perspective on the pros and cons.

The last show I did I looked out over the audience and saw that I had taken a turn in my life that had lead to a result I wasn't comfortable with and that I didn't want. It had lead to decisions being made by those in my life that I was not comfortable with and looking out off the stage in the direction of my loved ones I suddenly got smacked in the face with it all. Everything changed from that night on. My distractions in life had caused me to go down a path and suddenly the path was clear and unwanted. It's hard to explain that but now that I am on a path that works for me and those in my life I find it hard to figure out if I would be going back for good reasons. Yet I think about it often.

I am tending towards simplifying my life more and more. My days are long and unfilled which means that I am free to make plans as they come up. I am working on my loneliness and boredom by going into my body and mind and reminding myself that everything I need comes from inside, not from outside. I have lots to entertain myself with just on my own. Fear is not my friend and I am not alone. I have not been abandoned.

I am saving money now that I don't do burlesque. Don't think that burlesquers make money by doing what they do. It costs more to get a routine together than the cost to see a show usually. I have time and some money now. All I want to do is make travel plans, and have a good time with family.

Last week Mono and I went to a neighboring big American city just over the boarder. It was a trip for my birthday. My birthday was before Christmas but timing and money before Christmas is tight so it waited. We had such a good time. We went to a British pub and enjoyed that it didn't close at 2am as they do here. We met people, talked, drank, ate and played pool (not so British, they had a pool table) for hours. It was just what we like.

The next day was lots of walking and people watching. It was so relaxing and we were so content. At night we lay in bed from 4pm until morning holding hands, watching shows, ordering Chinese food, and snoozing in each others arms. Sex was off the table due to my period but we made up for it all this week. always do. A few days away from sex means a week of fucking like rabbits afterwards.

We can't get enough of each other now that our lives have settled and we are content with just us. I'm really not missing a thing so why change it. They say no one can fulfill all your needs but sexually and touch wise I am fulfilled and so is he. What I am not fulfilled in is being reassured and hearing affirmations from Mono but I am noticing that he has begun to start telling me what he thinks and details about his life that he didn't before. It's helped me feel confident that we will be and are okay together. I feel as if I am his confident and that he loves me as a result. I need that to heal and slowly it is coming. Communication is getting better now that fear is put aside. I have paranoid moments often still and likely always will but by addressing it right away and hearing him tell me his thoughts, it will definitely lesson in time. Chosing to divide what is my problem and what is his, trusting him and letting go all helps.
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  #1880  
Old 02-08-2014, 07:03 PM
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Saturday morning;

Mono and PN are out picking up wood to make raised beds in the vegetable garden. LB and I are preparing for his friend to come over for the night. I sit in the sun with the coffee Mono brought me and think about Brad coming home from his holidays today, AJ (my ex wife) coming skating with the young boys and I later, an evening of playing Settlers and eating pizza with family and friends and how damned happy I am I made the choices I did in getting my life back on line.

PN has gone through some really hard stuff lately and I have had the chance to prove to him that I, all of us, are here for him as we are his family. I spent time with Ken this week and we are bonding again. I have had a chance to support and give to Derby of late too and that makes me happy. I am loving getting the chance to give back to those who have given to me.

Here's to life and going with the doors that open, the honest, truthful to me route, and walking through fear regardless of the outcome.
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