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  #181  
Old 01-06-2014, 12:52 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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I let him come over to watch the game. There didn't end up being ice on the roads. He brought me "flowers," that is, branches of berries and dried grasses he collected on his land.

He didn't say happy anniversary... but later I asked him if he knew what tomorrow was, and he said, "X Museum commemoration day." Our first date was at a museum. So, he remembered. He said, "Why do you think I brought you flowers?"

We cuddled and watched the game. Attempted sex during halftime and afterwards, but it didn't work out great, since his back was acting up from repair work he'd done to his cabin earlier in the day.

We also didn't talk more about "Buddhist," as he went home pretty much right after the game, tired.

shrug

frustrating

I retreated to the comfort of miss pixi's arms. She's been great supporting me through this.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
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  #182  
Old 01-07-2014, 04:47 PM
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Wasn't looking forward to having the hard talk with Ginger about all this. I didn't make the talk happen in person 2 nights ago though, so I did it online in chat yesterday morning, and more in the late afternoon.

I felt very depressed all day. Talking things over with him is hard because of his Asperger's.

I know it's not on him to make me feel better, less threatened, less powerless. I have to do it myself. Get clear about my feelings, learn coping skills for this new challenge of him power-dating, draw some boundaries.

So after a long talk, like 2 hours, in the morning, I said I was done for now, and we stopped. I ran a couple errands outside the house that had to be done, then I laid around the house like a dark storm cloud for 3 1/2 hours. Barely ate, couldn't sleep when I tried, didn't exercise or do housework, didnt talk to miss pixi. Just laid there curled in a ball, mourning, grieving, feeling like shit.

Finally I felt able to talk to miss p, who was willing and eager to help. She was very helpful, and told me some of the coping skills she'd learned when I was power dating.

We talked about Ginger's amazing sexual charisma, which I see when he and I go out, and which these women, Mischa and now Buddhist, are feeling (and of course, that miss p and I feel as well). I have witnessed women, acquaintances of his, or complete strangers such as saleswomen, go all fluttery and shy and looking up from under their eyelashes, and giggling and shuffling their feet and giving him compliments, over and over. Often I can tell he is in his own little world and unaware, other times I see him turn up the power a tad, and I witness the women getting even more twitterpated.

He's very tall, 6'2". Has not gone bald and has shoulder length curls. He looks younger than his 61 years. He has strong handsome facial features (not movie star pretty, kind of craggy), with a nicely trimmed goatee. He dresses in colors and shapes flattering to his figure and coloring (he's an artist, he knows what he is doing). He's also a classic Scorpio and has this intense gaze that makes women weak in the knees. He gives off a relaxed and confident vibe.

sigh...

It's pretty amazing. I call it being a rock star. I came to this realization last summer at a big drum fest we went to. I might've written about it here when it happened.

...That makes me "the rock star's wife." And how does a rock star's wife deal with the legions of wet pantied groupies?

This I asked miss p. I mean, I've felt like a rock star from time to time in my life,. When I was younger I was slender and had long blonde hair, fairly pretty, or cute. I've felt lauded when I've been a successful student, good at English, foreign language, History, art. And for the last 25 years when I am at my volunteer work as a lactation specialist, and new moms are asking my advice, and they and my co-workers compliment me on my encyclopedic knowledge of breastfeeding and parenting. And also, when I was first on okc and power dating, back in 2009-2011.

I also might have had one rock star type bf back before I met my ex h, but I was unaware of how others saw him til after we broke up.

So, these are miss p's coping skills:

First of all, she always felt secure in our relationship, felt loved, felt I took care of her while in NRE so she didnt feel left out. That was the basis of dealing with it.

Second of all, she felt kind of thrilled to be a partner of a "rock star." She's experienced it with others besides me. You watch the others crave your partner and feel flattered to think, "Yeah, I'm regularly hitting that ass you all want, suckers." You bask in reflected glory.

Third, she made a habit of not really "paying attention" to any new people I was chatting with or just starting to date, because so many fizzle out. No use getting upset when that person might just fade away in a week or two.

Fourth, she'd think maybe she would get a new friend out of the deal, if a person stuck around and she'd get to meet them.

So, it was comforting to have this talk. Then we took a break, I managed to eat a little dinner, then I chatted Ginger and told him some of what miss p and I talked about.

HOWEVER! (to be continued)...
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
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  #183  
Old 01-07-2014, 05:05 PM
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Ginger then proceeded to tell me that just then, that woman Mischa wanted to come visit. She lives 30 miles west of us, but works closer a couple days a week, Tuesday and Wednesday. So, she asked to come Tuesday night and was open to spending the night if he wanted.


!!!

Here I thought she'd dumped him soon after he was expressing issues with starting a relationship since she had an active herpes lesion the first time they met.

I barely reacted when he told me this. miss p and I went down to our girl cave to drown our sorrows in a couple hours of Breaking Bad on Netflix.

Meanwhile Ginger posted to me that the GUY he tried to date also IMed him on okc while Ginger wasn't online, but he was signed off by the time Ginger saw the message.

Can you believe this? It's raining, it's pouring, for my bf.

This morning he was all solicitous in our chat... He says he's done with the guy, not interested.

But he invited Mischa to spend the night, and she and he agreed she would IF it was OK with me. I said, "Go ahead, who cares about my feelings? I'm not the boss of you." I hate when I get sarcastic like this, but I feel against the wall here.

He had said "You know where Mischa and I stand--" as far as kissing, oral sex, fucking, because of her herpes. But I said, "Well, you're considering being with Buddhist and she's got herpes too, so that is hypocritical." But apparently Buddhist has only had one lesion in the past 10 years, whereas Mischa has had more even since the last time she and Ginger saw each other.

Turns out he and she have been occasionally messaging on FB since the time I thought she dumped him. He says they have an understanding of "just friends...." but, see above: Rock Star sexual charisma, groupies throwing themselves at him.

I can't imagine something sexual won't go on when she's in his goddam bed tonight.

Meanwhile, no next date set with Buddhist, but she did break up with one of her 2 bfs yesterday and has been telling Ginger all about that! Sounds like she is clearing her plate to be with him more.

*banghead*
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
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  #184  
Old 01-07-2014, 06:22 PM
london london is offline
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How does his aspergers specifically affect the way you have to communicate with him?
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  #185  
Old 01-08-2014, 04:30 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
How does his aspergers specifically affect the way you have to communicate with him?
Ach, that would be so hard to describe, london.


I am feeling so much better today after a few days of what felt like chaos in my emotions. Like Gala Girl says, feelings are like weather, they pass on through.

Self care yesterday, I did my walk, was able to do activities and chores and eat, etc. miss p and I had fun in the evening watching Breaking Bad and had excellent sex as well.

Ginger had Mischa over for the night, and he did kiss her, since she didnt have a cold sore... but she wasn't too into it and I guess there wasnt really much sexy time at all.

Now he is on his way over to me. My rock star boyfriend.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
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  #186  
Old 01-10-2014, 11:01 PM
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My emotions are up, then down, then up, then down. Typical poly rollercoaster.

After our visit 2 days ago, Ginger came down with something flu-like. His first worry was, caught herpes from Buddhist. Well, I found that unlikely since she's been asymptomatic for years, but you never know.

He hasn't mentioned any cold sores appearing though.

I feel so silly, not wanting him to date. Very hypocritical, and also, why fight change? Life is all about change.

Doesn't help, however, that our finished basement flooded on Dec 23, put a damper on holiday celebrations, and we have already had to move belongings from the wet side to the dry side, and will have to rejuggle everything when it comes time for the new carpet to go in. Stressful.

But I can not insist that Ginger only date when there are no other stresses in my life. There will always be stress in my life! Meanwhile, he's a grown man and he can do what he wants.

But I'm just like, ugh, I don't want to hear about Her. I don't like when my mind imagines them wrapped up together, liking and in lust together. It grosses me out! I do not know why.

Maybe b/c miss pixi hasn't dated another woman since we met, just a few guys. I guess I feel like, if Buddhist is a 90% match with me, why does he need/want her?

Because of that other 10%, and the excitement of something new. He says he finds she has depth and he wants to see more. Ginger just likes women. I wish I could be happy for him, feel the illusive compersion.

It's so odd I need to spell this all out to myself. Occasionally I can find their connection sexy and a turn on for myself, but generally I feel the opposite, not jealous per se, but actually grossed out! Her... essence all over him. Sometimes I don't want to think about it, or listen to him talk about her, like a DADT feeling. Other times I want him to tell me as much as possible so I don't imagine things that aren't even happening.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
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  #187  
Old 01-17-2014, 01:44 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Ginger and I got to reconnect after him being down for several days with a bad cold. I wasn't ready to get right to the sex as we almost always do, as I needed to talk more about feelings, those darn feelings, around him being with Mischa and Buddhist. He told me he and Buddhist have a date set up for Sunday.

Once we got the talk out of the way, he was very affectionate and things got physical, I gradually was able to enjoy myself. Then cuddles in bed and chit chat about various things, then a second wind, more sex. It was all somewhat reassuring.

Another analogy I came up with around Ginger dating is: Ginger as the hub of a wheel with 5 spokes. He is in some sort of intimate and sexual relationship with 5 women! His wife R, me, miss p, Mischa and now Buddhist.

Five.

Spin the wheel and see whose turn it is today!

It's funny, with all the newbies that come here wanting a hot FMF triad, I am pretty much in one and not really loving it. I've accepted it.

Then add in 2 more new women... I have to force myself not to think about it sometimes, go do something so engrossing there is no space for thoughts.

Dialog with myself:

I feel so unstable.

But it's change, and life is change, and there is no use fighting it.

How can I adjust to this change?

2 options: overanalyze and obsess about it. Or, distract myself and let it take shape as it will, ride the wave on top like a surfer, don't drown in the choppy waters.

Ginger is coming over tonight (Friday) and seeing Buddhist on Sunday. He is driving in to Boston to her place. And this should be their first full on sex. Whooee. That's gonna be a hard day for me.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
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  #188  
Old 01-17-2014, 03:31 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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I ask this in all seriousness and if it is not useful to you, cheerfully ignore it.

I can't figure out why you are upset about Ginger dating more people. I can tell you are certainly upset but I can't figure out why. This is NOT to say you shouldn't be upset or feel what you feel - just I don't have a handle on what the underlying issues are. Of course, you may have chosen not to write about exactly why this disturbs you so.

Are you worried about less time? Less attention? Feel less special? Worried about Ginger's ability to manage all his connections? Something else? All of the above and more?

Maybe Ginger does not fully understand either? Maybe you're kinda confused too?

I *so* understand being upset and angry about changes with partners - been there, done that, still there some days.

Regardless, hugs and support.
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  #189  
Old 01-17-2014, 04:16 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by opalescent View Post

I can't figure out why you are upset about Ginger dating more people. I can tell you are certainly upset but I can't figure out why. This is NOT to say you shouldn't be upset or feel what you feel - just I don't have a handle on what the underlying issues are. Of course, you may have chosen not to write about exactly why this disturbs you so.
Hi, Opal, thanks for asking. I thought I'd been obsessing here about the whys and not just the whats I am feeling, but maybe not.

Quote:
Are you worried about less time? Less attention?
No, I feel like I am getting similar amounts of time and attention.

Quote:
Feel less special?
Yes, definitely. That is why I said, sister-wife, just one more hole to fuck, one more spoke on a wheel.

Quote:
Worried about Ginger's ability to manage all his connections?
Yes, and I think I am a bit triggered, going back to when my ex h and I first opened our marriage in 1999! I hate to say this, but I think it's a gender thing. miss p has only dated men since we met, and generally, if she is attracted to a woman, she goes for skinny young butches. So, I don't feel in competition with that. Ginger seems to go for women more like me, full figured older hippie types.

And, sometimes Ginger doesn't help me feel secure. I think it's partly the Asperger's. Like the other day when he got here and I expressed upset at a tactless thing he'd said. His van has had an issue and he'd been working on it, and he said he'd be happy to drive it over to my place, as a test, since he'd have to be driving it to Boston to see Buddhist on Sunday. I didn't like feeling like a "test" for his later date. First he laughed at me. Then he called me silly. This is just an example of our communication disconnect. I told him, "It's not funny, and please don't call me silly."

Love languages. I am across the board, no one language is more important than another. Ginger thinks its all hogwash, but his love languages are touch (sex and cuddles), and acts of service. He doesn't say I love you, and he is opposed to gift giving. So, I don't get those reassurances.

Also, as I've said, all this comes on top of him being in a sexual relationship with miss pixi. I didn't set out to have a triad. While I do feel compersion for the 2 of them, I still struggle with sharing time and affection. It just complicates things. We JUST had a 3way sex share that I did not feel upset about after the fact. Finally. And then he imm. makes a date with new girl, and bam, complications again.

I mean, I feel he's polysaturated. Even if he doesn't. Kinda like when my ex h had me and his gf. He's having a great time, feeling all studly: "Ladies, ladies! Wait your turn, there's plenty of me to go around!" Um, no, there really isn't, mister. You're feeling so good in the crotch, all the fun oxytocin, you're missing out on the subtle or not so subtle signs all your partners ain't as happy as and content as you are.

Then add in stressors unrelated to poly: new house in a new area of the state, getting used to living with miss p full time (and that is working out very well, but even good changes are stressful), new jobs for both of us, Ginger becoming almost deathly ill with the tick borne disease in the late summer, and most recently, the Xmas basement flood, workmen tromping through the house... Even major snowstorms and near record cold weather.

I just want things to slow down and be peaceful and stable for a while! Maybe I am getting old and it's harder for me to adapt to new things. Also, I guess I thought once miss p and I were here in the next down, Ginger would be happy to have me/us closeby and we'd be a nice tidy unit. No more of those long drives! ( me to see miss p, Ginger driving to see me). Instead, he takes up with women 20-30 miles away almost as soon as we were moved in.

Quote:
I *so* understand being upset and angry about changes with partners - been there, done that, still there some days.

Regardless, hugs and support.
Thanks very much! I am uneasy but not as downright depressed as a week ago. I've been keeping up with work, housework, exercise and other self care. I try to balance obsessing and worrying with doing things that are distracting and pleasant, to give my brain a break.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
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  #190  
Old 01-17-2014, 11:57 PM
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SouthernGal SouthernGal is offline
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I hope you don't mind me posting here, but a few things caught my attention and I wanted to ask about them.

You said the idea of him being with the other women is just "gross" to you. Why is that? Do you think it might in part be because they have one or both strains of Herpes? Or is it a spiritual/emotional type of thing? Sort of "If he spends time with them, it somehow dilutes or poisons what he feels for me" kind of thing? Why? What could you or he do to help dispel that feeling?

What about him having more partners makes you feel less special? Is it because he picks other partners so similar to you? If so, have you thought about asking him "What's special about me? Why did you want me and why do you want to keep me?" With Asperger's, who knows what kind of answers you might get, but it might be worth taking that step. Or do you feel less special because you had the hope of being able to spend more time with him (and Miss Pixi) when you moved and that's turning out not to be true? It sort of sounds like he's taking the extra time saved by you living close and using that to pursue other partners and that worries and perhaps offends you. You're wonderful and he has more of a chance to see you and he's not taking the chance. What the hell is wrong with him?!? Of course, I could be completely wrong, but I could see feeling that way myself.

There's nothing wrong with obsessing on the problem so to speak, as long as you are making some headway. Figure out what the specific issues are so you can make a plan to deal with them in a less icky fashion and when it gets too much, then you should definitely distract yourself. I do that all the time.

I really feel for you. Like, I saw another post and came over here to read what was going on because I was concerned. I really hope you are able to work through this. No one should have to feel that way for very long. I'm rooting for you.
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