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  #21  
Old 01-16-2014, 03:28 PM
Indygirl78 Indygirl78 is offline
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I agree with others in that the capacity to love more than one is largely innate. Acting on it is more of a choice.
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  #22  
Old 01-16-2014, 04:56 PM
northhome northhome is offline
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Originally Posted by BillNIndy View Post
So, what do you think, are you born poly or do you choose to be poly?
From what I've seen of babies (both my own and others) I'd say we're all born with the capacity to love many people. How we then choose to express our love is simply a matter of socialisation and personal choice. Some do it one way, some do it another, some (sadly) don't do it at all....
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  #23  
Old 01-16-2014, 06:58 PM
Spock Spock is offline
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Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
That one confuses me too...I do NOT develop "feelings" for people easily (it's happened twice in my life - once with MrS, and again with Dude) but still considered myself poly even when I was with MrS (and various FWBs ). (To be perfectly honest, however, I can definitely experience "sexual attraction" for people that I don't have "feelings" for - which is not universal.)

Why is it confusing, though?

They just don't identify as poly and use the fact that they don't love often/easily as the justification.

What if 'feelings' includes 'sexual attraction'?

So that if you don't develop sexual nor emotional attraction to many people, you self identify as mono, and if you do then you are poly.
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  #24  
Old 01-16-2014, 07:18 PM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
That one confuses me too...I do NOT develop "feelings" for people easily (it's happened twice in my life - once with MrS, and again with Dude) but still considered myself poly even when I was with MrS (and various FWBs ). (To be perfectly honest, however, I can definitely experience "sexual attraction" for people that I don't have "feelings" for - which is not universal.)
It confuses me too. I don't at all understand why falling in love easily or not makes a difference to what relationship structure a person chooses to adopt.

I develop feelings for people very easily. I have crushes regularly and there are others who I just love.

I choose not to have poly relationships because I have doubts about my ability to fit that relationship structure into my life as it is now without having to compromise on my ethics.

Unless/until my life changes in a way that leads me to feel differently, I will continue to have monogamous romantic relationships and fall in love regularly.
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  #25  
Old 01-16-2014, 07:35 PM
Spock Spock is offline
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Is this a semantic definition of poly vs mono?

Where poly means multiple relationships vs single relationships?

Why not switch to saying 'best friends' instead?

So the original point would be:
Quote:
...I've heard some mono people say they're mono because it's rare for them to have a best friend, let alone more than one at the same time. That reason doesn't make sense to me at all...
I can want as many best friends as I can imagine, a best friend on every floor of my building and every aisle of my floor and I would happily be poly.

However, the effort needed to cultivate said friendships is so high that I cannot really have more than one or two best friends.

So even if I can imagine how wonderful poly is, I can't envision accomplishing it; ergo, it is rare for me 'develop feelings', and therefore best friends, let alone loves or lovers.

Imagine something that is difficult and time consuming and hard to do, and now imagine doing it multiple times; that is poly to a mono person, or at least me.

I know! College degrees; most people think of it as a huge investment in time, resources, effort, and energy.

Could you say that you would try to have two or three college degrees simultaneously?
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  #26  
Old 01-16-2014, 07:56 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Originally Posted by Spock View Post
Could you say that you would try to have two or three college degrees simultaneously?
That would be awesome! I would love to be a professional student.

I know, not the point.
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  #27  
Old 01-16-2014, 08:01 PM
northhome northhome is offline
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Originally Posted by Spock View Post
However, the effort needed to cultivate said friendships is so high that I cannot really have more than one or two best friends.
If having a good friend is an effort for you, then I totally understand that you need to make sure you don't have too many of them. If you do, you'll run out of energy.

There are people who find that having friends is no effort at all, that it in fact it gives them energy. So the problem is not about running out of energy, it's more about managing time and resources.

It probably all comes down to how you relate to other people.
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  #28  
Old 01-16-2014, 09:28 PM
Spock Spock is offline
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Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
That would be awesome! I would love to be a professional student.

I know, not the point.
But it is

Some people can do it, others can't. I can probably pull off a dual degree.

Another example is having kids. I've seen teachers apparently effortlessly direct 10s of students and get them all acting compliantly for hours with nary a meltdown or a screaming fit, and I struggle to manage my two kids without exploding.

So those people who can't imagine being mono, imagine having to manage 10 kids at once, or 3 college degrees at once, or cooking three separate meals at once; whatever it is that taxes you that you can't do it without frustration and disappointment, and imagine a relationship being like that.
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  #29  
Old 01-16-2014, 10:01 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I can totally imagine being mono. I've had enough people tell me about how when they love someone, it "turns off" their ability to be attracted to new people in a romantic way. I get that part.

What people are talking about finding weirder is those who say they can be in love with more than one person, but because it's not often, they identify as mono.

I think a better analogy would be sexual orientation. (In my opinion polyamory is a relationship orientation, while polygamy is a relationship practice. So you can be polyamorous in a monogamous relationship or the other way around).
Anyway, my analogy would be, say, a female who can be attracted to another female physically and romantically, but very rarely. They're more likely to be attracted to males. They might identify as straight despite having some same-sex attraction, because it's so rare, she might feel like lying if she said "I'm bi" but then never met a woman she's attracted to in 10 years, and her friends could accuse her of pretending to be bi just for the attention.

Or someone who rarely experiences sexual attraction at all could identify as asexual even though they're actually demisexual or grey-a.

So I find it useful to think of it in terms of "rounding up". They might have some small poly tendencies, but they're unlikely to ever affect their lifestyle, and so it might feel counterproductive to identify as poly, since it reduces their prospects with mono partners, and probably will never come up (and if it does they might prefer not to act on it anyways).
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  #30  
Old 01-17-2014, 02:25 AM
Eponine Eponine is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Spock View Post
I can want as many best friends as I can imagine, a best friend on every floor of my building and every aisle of my floor and I would happily be poly.

However, the effort needed to cultivate said friendships is so high that I cannot really have more than one or two best friends.

So even if I can imagine how wonderful poly is, I can't envision accomplishing it; ergo, it is rare for me 'develop feelings', and therefore best friends, let alone loves or lovers.

Imagine something that is difficult and time consuming and hard to do, and now imagine doing it multiple times; that is poly to a mono person, or at least me.
To me, "I rarely develop feelings" doesn't necessarily equal "it's difficult and time-consuming for me to maintain relationships". I don't develop feelings as often as most people, but once I connect with a right person, maintaining a relationship is almost effortless because we're highly compatible (I don't develop feelings for people who don't share my core values and relationship views). So I can understand being mono because it takes too much effort to cultivate and maintain relationships, but I don't understand being mono because you rarely develop feelings. I guess it's probably not the only reason those people choose mono though.
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Last edited by Eponine; 01-17-2014 at 02:28 AM.
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